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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to be faced with 'what did you do all day?' every day

327 replies

Iamatotalandutteridiot · 01/09/2015 19:17

just faced it again tonight

He is currently cleaning the glass 'because it is streaky' (Note: no finger prints, so I have obviously cleaned it... just streaky)

I have entertained 3 kids today - on the last week of their holidays. I have sorted uniform, made sure everything is name tagged, I have fed them, I have read to them, I have bathed them.

SOOOO sick of having to justify how I spend each minute when I have kids at home.

OP posts:
noiwontstoptalking · 02/09/2015 20:12

I assume all this behaviour is in private OP - what would happen if you made it a little more public in real life? I'm not suggesting FB but a small comment in front of close friends that you are not allowed to buy a wardrobe.

Would it help show him how far from normal this is, or would it be dangerous?

Original poster
Iamatotalandutteridiot · 02/09/2015 20:16

I have told a couple of friends - or at least showed them the situation.

I don't think anyone really believes what he's like because he's so happy and easy going to other people.

Plus, often he will rant about stuff, I'll sort it out and then he'll act like it was all me that had the problem. That happens a lot and it's something I am really working on.

Like, he'll stress at me, I'll stress at someone else and then he'll act like he never had a problem with it and it was all in my head.

OP posts:
noiwontstoptalking · 02/09/2015 20:20

Male friends? His male friends?

clam · 02/09/2015 20:21

I think this has to be one of the most depressing and upsetting threads I've read on here in a long time.

OP (sorry, I will not call you "utteridiot"), when you were a child and dreaming of the future and being an adult, is this what you imagined? Surely one of the best things about being an adult is having the autonomy to make your own choices and decisions (in consultation with your partner). At what point did you make the choice to remain like a child, with someone else forbidding you to do quite simple things, saying "no" to you "and meaning it," and making you account for every minute of your day?

Rarity08 · 02/09/2015 20:21

Op, with reference to the above post, he's 'gaslighting' you. Classic abussive OM.

WhatTheJeffHasGoneOnHere · 02/09/2015 20:24

Yes op, look up gaslighting, please.

Original poster
Iamatotalandutteridiot · 02/09/2015 20:27

No, my friends. None of his friends talk to me.

That's odd, isn't it?

Even those I know... he'd go mental with me if I spoke to them without his permission.

I know how this sounds. But, I hope you know how nice it is for me to say it outloud.

OP posts:
BubblyChocolate · 02/09/2015 20:31

This is so sad.

You are both equals, you should not be having to ask permission to do anything. The only thing you should be discussing is can we afford it? will it impact on finances? Or with regards to you wanting to go to an exercise class, what time will he be home from work to take over? Would it be easier if we ate before/ after my class? Simple things that keep a family running, that you decide as a pair of equals who are heads of THEIR family.

I get really pissed off when I hear stories on here like this. A 'man' browbeating a woman until she is so utterly worn down and dependant on him. He thinks he's the big guy. I would fucking love him to try pull it on me because he would come off worse.

You say you are not going to leave. That is totally your decision. But do you have any plans going forward? You can't live like this forever.

ScrambledSmegs · 02/09/2015 20:38

Your relationship isn't 'a little odd' OP - it's textbook emotional and financial abuse.

I know you don't want to admit that yet. It's a bit of a shock to realise that's what's happening to you. Abuse like this escalates slowly - like the boiling a frog analogy. You're being boiled alive and you haven't noticed yet.

I see you're gearing up to asserting yourself a little. Please take care.

YouTheCat · 02/09/2015 20:42

He has really done a number on you.

It is his behaviour that is wrong, not yours.

HazleNutt · 02/09/2015 20:49

He has no right to tell you not to do something. He cannot forbid or allow or veto anything. You're an adult, you should be equal partners.

WhoTheFuckIsSimon · 02/09/2015 20:55

total. This thread just gets sadder the more you post.

What do,your friends say?

Have you got family you can talk to?

Verypissedoffwife · 02/09/2015 20:56

He sounds a total psychopath!

Just get the wardrobe. You want and NEED it. Fuck him. What's he gonna do? Or do you think he WILL be violent?

Original poster
Iamatotalandutteridiot · 02/09/2015 21:00

My mum knows.

But divorce is worse than death to her and she is of the absolute belief that I knew what he was like before I married him (I did)

She knows but she would be horrified beyond all belief if I said I was leaving.

OP posts:
WhoTheFuckIsSimon · 02/09/2015 21:02

Ok, so you're not going to get much support from her. Don't let her abnormal opinion influence you.

marriednotdead · 02/09/2015 21:03

Another reading with sadness and horror Flowers

I have ended my marriage very recently after putting up with only a fraction of the kind of thing you've posted here. I didn't think it was that bad at first either, but the drip drip drip of crap behaviour from an angry and unreasonable man becomes exhausting.
As for money, I'm now broker than broke. He earns 4x what I do and won't be giving me a penny. Not bothered. I will be frugal and get by.

I thought I'd be on the floor with grief but it's been 16 days since he moved out and I can honestly say I feel nothing but relief and delight at my newfound freedom.

Never say never OP Wink

Original poster
Iamatotalandutteridiot · 02/09/2015 21:03

that said, she would 'take me home' but there would be very little discussion about me being an independent single mum.

It would be living with DH or living with parents.

Or cutting ties with all of them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iamatotalandutteridiot · 02/09/2015 21:07

But that's the huge problem Married - I don't earn a thing. I can't get a job, because I need to be there for DS / other kids. He earns everything.

I rely on him for everything. And he wouldn't move out.

Not saying I want him to, but it wouldn't happen. I need to change me.. not him.

OP posts:
noiwontstoptalking · 02/09/2015 21:09

Iam it's very easy to say 'leave' to a stranger when you don't have to face the consequences. So I won't say that.

But there are choices. No hope that you are on the first step of a journey to find out what might be for you.

This is not normal. I wish I could invite you and your husband round to my house to show you both how wonderful, happy and fun marriage can be when you have a respectful equal partnership.

Do lots of thinking about this OP.

Flowers
Verypissedoffwife · 02/09/2015 21:10

Ok I understand it would be difficult to leave and find work as I know you said your son had additional needs. So if you stayed what would happen if you stood up to him? Just went out and bought the wardrobe?

Original poster
Iamatotalandutteridiot · 02/09/2015 21:18

umm... verypissed....ummm... he'd go on one and make me get rid of it.

He'd go proper mental at me. To be fair, I've been told no, so why would I go an get one when he's said No?

I really can't imagine how that conversation would go!!!

OP posts:
clam · 02/09/2015 21:18

You knew what he was like when you married him? So, genuine question, what made you go along with it?

pictish · 02/09/2015 21:18

Even if you did know what he was like before you got married...so what? What does that have to do with it? It doesn't mean anything. It's just the unsubstantiated sort of crap people say when they're stubbornly clinging to a viewpoint they think they're supposed to subscribe to, whether it has any basis in logic or not.

clam · 02/09/2015 21:19

"To be fair, I've been told no, so why would I go an get one when he's said No?"

Because in a modern, equal marriage, his word does not trump yours.

LibrariesGaveUsP0wer · 02/09/2015 21:22

OP - tell me to naff off, but are you from a very religious family or a non UK background? I only ask because there can be specific challenges and you may be able to find tailored help and support (or just chat to women on here who 'get it')?