To ask why people hate fussy eaters?

[StarlingMurmuration]

I can see why people might find it annoying if they've invited a fussy eater to dinner and he or she won't eat anything that's been prepared, but why does it seem to annoy people otherwise, if they're unaffected? I've often seen it said on MN that being a picky eater is "attention seeking", is that what many people think?

Full disclaimer: I have a lot of issues with the texture or smell of certain foods, and have done since I was a child. I'm a lot better now (e.g. up til my late 20s I couldn't bear things with sauce on them, and I had to separate all my food out, I couldn't take a mixed bite of things like veg AND meat) and now I'm always willing to try something new but there are certain things I can't eat without heaving, so I refuse to attempt them. I still find eating at people's houses quite stressful because I worry they'll serve something I don't like, and even eating in restaurants can be hard work because there's often only one or at the most two things I fancy on the menu. I swear it's not attention-seeking - I hate people noticing when I don't clear my plate, or commenting on my fussiness. I'd love to feel able to eat anything, it would make my life so much easier.

I've always wondered this myself.

Personally I don't care what other people choose to eat.

You sound the same as my ds1. I do wonder about him and how he will cope growing up. He can't eat in other houses, going on holiday is difficult. Clearly I don't hate him, but there is a lot of stress around for in our house as a result. I think it's more an emotional/ control thing plus v sensitive taste buds. He's nearly 10. What do you think Your parents could have done to make it easier for you? And what helped you get better?

Also ime fussy eaters aren't just doing it to be awkward or because they want attention.

Thinking of the picky eaters I know they usually have a reason for it e.g autism or an eating disorder.

Having just spent 2 weeks with 2 fussy eaters I cannot begin to explain the annoyance of spending time with them. They only ate Indian, Chinese or steak, which in turn meant that whenever we went out we were all limited by their choices so as not to exclude them. In the process they excluded everyone else's preferences to eat at nice places with a variety of food. I can't get bothered about it when people are in their own homes but when you hear for the 50th time "we can't go there, there's nothing we like", it starts to boil my piss.

I think many over 16s are attention seeking with their eating, sensory issues aside.

It's really hard to imagine being a fussy eater if you aren't one. I find myself getting frustrated by DD because for me if I don't enjoy something I can usually eat it anyway, but I have to remember it's not the same for her. Fussy eating is a phobia really, and those are always hard to understand for outsiders (like people who tell me that spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them - THAT REALLY DOESN'T HELP!!)

In my experience, which is limited I admit -
People with real food issues tend not to try and draw too much attention to themselves. They say what they can and can't eat and are probably sick of having to explain it over and over. I can imagine how annoying that must be!
What annoys me are people like a relative of mine who has no allergies, intolerances or sensory issues, but does love a good bit of Dr Google self diagnosis. As a result of this they have excluded a lot of things from their diet. So far so not my business but boy does she like to Go On About It. She is what I would consider a proper fussy eater as she always makes sure that it's everyone's business every single meal time. Its very attention seeking and I don't rise to the bait any more.

Oh, and the person's attitude has a big bearing on it too. If they have an entitled air about them, expecting everyone to fit round them (as the poster says above) that's very different to someone who is clearly distressed but is making every effort not to ruin things for everyone else.

Interesting, Merry... My parents forced me to eat things I didn't like while I gagged at the table. I'd be there for hours sometimes, while it went cold. This was only when I was very small though - I was painfully thin and they were concerned I wasn't eating enough. Eventually a specialist dietician a said to them the magic words "She'll eat if she's hungry" and they basically let me eat what I wanted after that. I think I existed off crisp sandwiches when I was your son's age! I can see it must have been stressful for them trying to find something I'd eat if we were out...

I don't think it was control with me - I just hated the texture of certain foods in my mouth. I'd say just don't force the issue, but easier said than done. My 9 month old DS sometimes won't eat and I find that incredibly stressful but I'm working really hard not to show it. I don't want mealtimes to become a battleground like they did when I was little.

I have grown up in a house full of fussy eaters, and now have a partner who has a 'limited' diet. It is frustrating, obviously I don't hate these people, but I love cooking, trying new things, or just cooking using more than tins and oven chips. I'm limited in what I can eat, because ironically I can only make a big batch of home cooked food when I have my wonderfully non-fussy friends over. I live with someone who won't eat pasta ffs (certainly no autism or anxiety issues, just won't eat it). I know for a fact it stems from parents not making him try anything, ever. If he said he didn't like it, even without ever eating it before, he didn't have to have it. I don't think I'm unreasonable in finding that sort of attitude irritating in a grown adult.

Probably because encounters with fussy eaters, even when it's not affecting them, reminds them of when it has affected them.

Also people tend to be impatient with other illogical intolerences. I might roll my eyes (privatey) at someone's fear of fish or whatever but I hope people will be understanding of my fear of flying. However people roll their eyes at my fear of flying and sometimes laugh or tease when they are sat next to me on a flight.

Others foibles can be amusing, but are often irritating to us. Our own foibles are always part of our charm.

I don't hate fussy eaters, I just hate eating with them.

One of my dcs deffo has issues around texture and self- limits. Be interesting to see how he pans out into adulthood. We're cool with it; but SIL is a proper "fussy eater" and does my nut in. So in my example of a whole two peeps, I tolerate in children but not adults. Hmmmmm.

Aye Minters.

My ex-MIL is a fussy eater. I don't care what she eats, but I care very, very, VERY much that she persistently attempts to spoil everybody else's meals by whimpering, flapping and gagging at the sight of such innocuous foods as pizza, pasta or jacket potatoes on other people's plates.

Grow. The. Fuck. Up.

I was a fussy eater as a child and now am fine but still totally respect adults wanting to make their own food choices.

If I am cooking for people I always check that whatever is planned is fine with them - that includes simple "like or dislike". I don't understand why that is so problematic.

As for attention seeking - as a child I hated the fact that it drew attention to me. I don't think adults do it for that either. Best friend doesn't like milk or yogurt and is also a low carber for life. 2 close friends are vegan, 1 is veggie. Parents are Hindu so I have to be sure about my cooking medium and make sure things like sausages are 100% pork.

I don't see any problem in any of these things. Hospitality is about...being hospitable, surely?

My mum hates fish, for example, but if I choose fish when we are eating out or make myself a salmon sandwich when she is having ham or cheese she will ALWAYS make a comment about how she couldn't touch that or how the thought of fish makes her shudder. In her case it definitely is attention-seeking (like so much else ).

YY Mintyy

Agree it's those who have the attitude that meals must be dictated by them.

OP, you're fine. You've got a genuine issue you don't want to draw attention to.

It's the people Saucy Jacks describing that are endlessly annoying.

I know someone who refuses to sit next to people with bread products or cake as she 'can't have them' and she's jealous. She is not gluten intolerant or coeliac. She just likes to act up and say it so loudly.

What Mintyy said.

A lot of the fun of a shared meal is enjoying it together. Watching one person scrape and prod.does take the joy out of it. Or having to pay to eat somewhere you would never choose because it does something they will eat. I'd rather just go for cocktails with the fussy eater.

I don't hate fussy eaters they can choose to be as ridiculous as they like but I refuse to buy into it personally.
All 3 of our dc tried it on as small children, they soon learned to eat what they were given or it went into the fridge for the next meal.
Strange coincidence their fussiness lasted a couple of days. What a surprise
If parents didn't pander there would be no fussy eaters.
Obviously tastes change I realise this and I have no objections to people not liking a particular food.
My dd has never liked peas but eats every other vegetable. My ds2 doesn't like swede but will eat all others.
Dh doesn't like Offal of any type, fair enough.

I think that tbh people find it frustrating because it limits their choices, when inviting someone round for dinner or to stay for the weekend, it isn't about hate it is about annoyance.
When DS2 was little he was SO fussy but because we are evil parents who should be consigned to the past we stuck with it putting food he wouldn't eat in front of him following the premise that the dietician above said, he will eat it when he is hungry enough.
We now have a child who will have lumpy yoghurt without vomiting etc.
It has been hard, but I am convinced that if we hadn't continued he would still feel unable to eat those foods that he refused.
He now goes to anyones house and eats what is offered.

I know if there were deeper sensory processing issues this wouldn't have been possible but for a normal, I don't like it I will make myself sick kind of child it can be changed.

I was like this as a child. There were tastes, textures and even sights that I couldn't bear. (For example, I would be utterly repelled by the sight of a plate of spaghetti or white rice - something about lots of objects being close together or tangled up that I couldn't stand. I still have this a little bit.)

I didn't do it to make other people's lives difficult. But I hated going to people's houses and saying, I don't like this or I can't eat that. I knew it made things hard for the host and I also knew they thought I was an over-sensitive and probably overindulged child.

I grew out of it when I was about 18 and left for university. Now, apart from being vegetarian, which is an ethical choice, I eat a fairly wide range of foods. Sad to say, I do sometimes feel quite irritated with adults who are fussy eaters, which is obviously completely unreasonable of me.

Oh gosh, you are exactly like my son, OP! He has to have his food separate, can't bear sauces on anything, won't eat things with certain textures. It frustrates me sometimes because it does restrict where we can go when we eat out. Not so much of a problem at home as I keep portions of his favourite meals in the freezer and just defrost one of those for him when the rest of us want something he won't eat.

I can't count the number of times people have told me to 'make' him try new foods, that he'll eat whatever I put in front of him if he's hungry enough. He won't, though. He went hungry every day on a school residential trip last year because he won't eat sandwiches and that's all that was on offer for lunch. It certainly wasn't attention-seeking as he didn't even tell the staff.

I take hope from the fact that you are now willing to try new things as an adult. Perhaps he will become more adventurous as he gets older!

It's the loud fussy eaters that are annoying. IF you don't go on about it, people won't notice, but many fussy eaters like to tell everyone about what they won't eat, and how disgusting everything is, and so on. Childish, attention seeking stupidity. But if they weren't boring on about food it would be something else, so they'd be asshats either way.

If you have genuine food problems then just get on with it quietly, it doesn't have to be a thing. I have a child with both allergies and sensory issues with food, but I'm training him how to deal with it without pissing off everybody else in the process.

What Mintyy said. I don't hate fussy eaters, I hate eating with them. Or waiting on them.

I'm fussy with puddings. I don't like cream, or cooked fruit, or meringue, or ice cream etc etc. In short, if it's not cheesecake or a brownie then I'm out. I solve this by not having those foods and letting everyone else get on with whatever they would like.