To ask why people hate fussy eaters?

[StarlingMurmuration]

I can see why people might find it annoying if they've invited a fussy eater to dinner and he or she won't eat anything that's been prepared, but why does it seem to annoy people otherwise, if they're unaffected? I've often seen it said on MN that being a picky eater is "attention seeking", is that what many people think?

Full disclaimer: I have a lot of issues with the texture or smell of certain foods, and have done since I was a child. I'm a lot better now (e.g. up til my late 20s I couldn't bear things with sauce on them, and I had to separate all my food out, I couldn't take a mixed bite of things like veg AND meat) and now I'm always willing to try something new but there are certain things I can't eat without heaving, so I refuse to attempt them. I still find eating at people's houses quite stressful because I worry they'll serve something I don't like, and even eating in restaurants can be hard work because there's often only one or at the most two things I fancy on the menu. I swear it's not attention-seeking - I hate people noticing when I don't clear my plate, or commenting on my fussiness. I'd love to feel able to eat anything, it would make my life so much easier.

Or you could just politely decline the invitation?

Like others I don't really care, though I do wonder why some people bother with the affectation when it so obviously outs people's backs up (bear with me on the some).

BIL is like this... no, to him, is a complete sodding menu!

No herbs, spices, weird beans (baked beans only, can't remember the odd brand that is deemed essential), no pizza, curry, spicy foods of any sort, foods with too much sauce, that are too dry....

But wait until you get to his preferred restaurant. Don't get a Chinese banquet style, order individual dishes or he just hoovers the lot. He picks up, almost fondles, each thing he fancies, loads his plate, complains if you get to a dish first, drinks like a sodding fish, gets totally bladdered, buys drinks for abso-bleeding-lutely everybody, then splits the bill and havers over the tip!

SIL enourages it with that saccharine sweet 'ooh poopsy dahling doesn't like it' type fuckwittery.

So yes, I hates the attention seeking twattery of some.

However, if you are still with me and haven't posted something hysterical about my attitude....

I have a good friend who has a very uncooperative digestive system and she could make eating a nightmare. But she usually finds something edible or asks for a different venue. When visiting she usually gets to see any new recipes in advance and vetoes the lot of them highlights the bits she finds difficult. I usually manage a work round or just tell her to avoid that one dish (I tend to cook mezze/banquet style).

I have known BIL for 30 years, friend for 10, I can cook or her every week of the year, but wouldn't be able to make anything BIL would eat, or SIL would allow to hit a plate.

So, yes, I hate eating with fussy eaters, I hate having to listen to/watch them apply their fussiness to the rest of the world with gay, look at me abandon.

But I will happily accommodate anyone with a real issue, physiological or psychological, as long as they behave like an adult about it.

lastqueenofscotland

how is that even possible? Someone who is vegan and eats gluten free said she would just have a bit of what you were having? Are you sure you didn't get your wires crossed somewhere?

I have little patience with people who like to drone on and on about how certain things make them gag. If there's one thing I really can't stand in other people it's a weak stomach!

I agree OP. Thanks for raising some awareness here. I've lived with it for nearly 10 years and I still have a long way to go, but I do understand it's not about pandering parents, or attention seeking children.

"There's nothing I like there but I'm happy to go if everyone wants to go there."

That's really, really annoying though.

I think it's a psychological issue if it's impacting your life negatively.
I've always had an eating disorder Which makes eating out complicated. It's not simple fussiness I like most food. I won't eat junk food very often or wheat based meals so it's limiting.
I don't think people should hate others or be unkind but it's kind of the fussy persons problem I suppose!

I do think children are a different matter. Parents have a responsibility to give them a wholesome diet, I don't think thy should be allowed to eat what they like

Since developing a couple of food allergies in recent years, I'm annoyed with myself! I can't have my two favourite things in the world - wine and cheese The dairy ban means there may be only one item I can safely eat off a large menu, and Indian food's out altogether because of the ghee

Really, you HAVE to tell people in advance, especially if they're entertaining you. It's soul-destroying to cook for friends only to have your efforts rejected. I can be nice about it, but my heart still sinks.

With the 'having over for dinner scenario it's not a problem if they are very clear in advance what they will and won't eat and you can plan accordingly. If they don't and you spend a lot of time and effort preparing a meal for someone who turns their nose up at all of it then it is rude and frustrating.

I also worked with a woman who supposedly had lots of sensitivities which basically boiled down to her selecting the restaurant every time the department went for a meal. And it couldn't just have one or two things she could eat, she had to have a good choice. This effectively meant every time she chose somewhere expensive so people just stopped going out and the department stopped having meals out which was a shame. If you suggested she could go to waitrose because she could have a steak and salad or a chicken salad she would get in high dudgeon that if she didn't fancy a salad that particular night she 'would have nothing left I can eat!'

So we would have to go somewhere pricey with a lot of options. And she'd have a steak and salad. That ground my gears. It really was attention and control in her case.

When I first met my DH, he was the fussiest eater in the world. At 19, he wouldn't eat: cheese, chicken, fish, eggs, baked beans, meat on the bone, any veg (except carrots and potatoes), most other cuisines (e.g Indian or Chinese). Of course, going out to eat was a nightmare - no pizza, no takeaway, not even most of the components of a roast dinner.

Turns out his mum was/is incredibly fussy and most of the things he didn't like, he'd just never tried. I'm still unsure how you get through childhood without baked beans/spaghetti hoops/fishfingers etc....

Handily at 37 he is now 100% better than he was! He still doesn't eat a lot of veg, but has widened his repertoire to more than fecking carrots!

I'm probably classed as fussier than he is now because I don't eat dairy products or drink alcohol. Honestly, sometimes you'd think that I said I ate small children with the reception I get when I say I don't drink!

But what should they say, Rainbow? If they make it clear that they genuinely don't mind going there anyway, if everyone else wants to go? There's plenty of people who get annoyed if you go to the restaurant then don't eat because there's nothing you can eat on the menu. Even if you leave the group rather than going to the chosen restaurant, that's seen as guilt-tripping! The alternative is just to never get involved in any group activity which may involve food in case it makes someone else uncomfortable - that's pretty isolating for someone with what may in effect be special needs related.

OP so you acknowledge that you end up making everyone feel uncomforatble. Personally I would justs cancel.

I am coeliac so trust me I know how difficult it is. If I get an invite at last minute, I call ahead. If I can't go there I make excuses not related to food. I don't feel it's my friends problem that I can't eat in certain places.

If I am unsure I decline.

I don't feel my illness should effect everyone else.

You don't feel the same way. Just a difference of opinion.

^ what Spartan says.

Fussy eaters can be such bores. I went out to eat with some colleagues last night. One colleague said, "Can we not go to a sushi place, please - I don't like fish". Fair enough. So we went for Italian and she saw someone eating calamari at the next table so she said, "Eurgh, I hate the smell of calamari becuse I really hate fish". Then when I ordered salmon she said, "Well, I would eat the salad, but not the salmon because I don't like fish, you see".

Grrr! No-one cares that you don't like fish! We don't need to keep hearing about it!

Some people seem to think that fussiness is an interesting personality trait.

It is not thd fact that some people don't like/can't eat certain foods. To each their own, no problem. But it is the FUSS making that is so annoying.

The idea that the fussy eater's needs come first. And having to TALK about why Ms. Fussy can't eat wheat and what peppers do to Mr. Fussy's digestive system.

People are so entitled and make a FUSS. That's the bit that is annoying.

My best friend is vegetarian, when we stayed at a French family's house they kept giving us big slabs of fried fish/chicken. She would say "hmmm delicious" and hide it in her napkin or quickly put it on my plate. Me, I worked my way through gristly mouthfuls.

These days (youngsters these days !!) people would probably ssy :" I can't eat this!!! It's disgusting! It makes me heave". Etc etc etc.

So RUDE! And boring too....

Eat what you like, but be a bit flexible and accommodating for the sake of others.

End of sermon

For me it's the total lack of flexibility in fussy eaters that causes endless hassle for everyone else. As an example we recently had a day out with BIL and SIL and SIL is a notoriously fussy eater who will only eat very plain unseasoned nursery food. Frankly she eats like most 5 year olds. Even trying to find a ready made sandwich that meets her requirements is almost impossible.

This makes it really hard to cater for her when she visits (always have to cook separately for her because the rest of us don't want to eat bland and boring stuff) and really hard to find places to eat out or to buy ready made food.

So on this particular day out when everyone else was starving and tired and would happily have stopped at the first suitable pub/cafe we all had to traipse up and down a busy high street reading every menu in the window looking for somewhere that would suit her needs perfectly, and if the rest of us were not terribly inspired by her final choice of venue then tough. BIL panders to her and the rest of us just go along with it for a quiet life but we do all secretly get very irritated by it.

Yes manalazerou, they think it makes them so bloody special

This is clearly NOT about nice people like OP though!

I.think how I would approach it, and advise my ds to approach it, is to eat first at home then go and have a drink, maybe a nobly starter. Anyone that asks, just say, I have sensory difficulties with food and couldn't eat anything on the menu, but I really wanted to be here. You may be able to get into a good chat about the issues. Don't comment on anyone else's food though.

I like to make people happy with food...so if someone is a fussy eater, then it's going to be difficult to make the happy, and therefor I won't be so happy.

So it's not you, it's me.

I'm quite happy to cook gluten fee, etc....and if you don't eat shellfish etc for religious reasons I'll happily accommodate that, but picking out prawns is really annoying if you just don't like them. DS1 picks out prawns because he says he doesn't like them.....I know from experience when he was little he throws up if he ever eats one, but it still irrationally annoys me.

I just don't understand when people don't like potatoes/bread/rice pasta/vegetables/fruit. I think it has a lot to do with having parents who were brought up during rationing, and coming from a large family where if you didn't eat it someone else would, and there was no alternative food available.

Starling

"Oh I'm really sorry, I can't make it."

If there's one restaurant you don't like your not limiting yourself (and others) much. If there's 48 restaurants you don't like them you are.

I am a fussy eater myself. There are certain things i simply do not like. And i will say that.
When i invite guests for a meal, it is usually bbq type of stuff -- help yourself to what you like. Saves the frustration of preparing a fancy dish only to discover that somebody does not eat a certain ingredient.

And those who declare themselves as non-fussy, i see usually living on tesco sandwitches etc.

Well, I don't want it to affect other people, Spartans, which is why I often pretend not to be hungry or leave rather than saying i don't want to eat somewhere. Which I clearly said. How is that different to you make a non-food related excuse? Sometimes you're already out with a group before they decided to eat out, so no opportunity to call ahead or to decline the invite, except by going home. But that's guilt-tripping, apparently.

The fact is, some people are attention seekers. I honestly don't give two hoots what anyone eats, but if you are in company it is just rude to comment negatively about the food others are eating ("Oh, I hate cauliflower, how could you possibly eat that, the texture makes me vomit, blah blah blah"). If you are fine to eat your chosen items and let others eat theirs, then I can't imagine anyone would have a problem at all. If you try to control what others eat, that is obviously crossing the line.

I think far too many people are obsessed with what they eat/don't eat and never shut up about it. But that habit isn't confined to fussy eaters.

It's just such an annoying first world problem.

I have a BIL like this- a total PITA.
THankfully I only see him once a year.
Last time they came to my house for lunch and he was such a drama queen.
Yes he likes ham, and yes chutney is fine, but they have to be on different plates. He will only eat brown bread, not white or wholemeal, and only if it is sliced. He likes eggs and tomatoes but they can't touch eath other. He must only drink semi-skimmed, not full fat. He will eat onions and sauce, but not onions in a sauce.
He likes some sauce on his steak but only partially covering it, not fully.
( I had to throw a steak away as I had unknowingly covered the whole steak with sauce)
He is the same in restaurants. I have been out for large family meals with 12+ people and he commands the show asking so many questions and putting in multiple requests to the kitchens.

This guy is a fully competent man as much as I can see in the rest of his life. He is a senior project manager, has a beautiful apartment where he lives with his lovely wife.

He needs his face rubbed in a plate of food.