To ask why people hate fussy eaters?

[StarlingMurmuration]

I can see why people might find it annoying if they've invited a fussy eater to dinner and he or she won't eat anything that's been prepared, but why does it seem to annoy people otherwise, if they're unaffected? I've often seen it said on MN that being a picky eater is "attention seeking", is that what many people think?

Full disclaimer: I have a lot of issues with the texture or smell of certain foods, and have done since I was a child. I'm a lot better now (e.g. up til my late 20s I couldn't bear things with sauce on them, and I had to separate all my food out, I couldn't take a mixed bite of things like veg AND meat) and now I'm always willing to try something new but there are certain things I can't eat without heaving, so I refuse to attempt them. I still find eating at people's houses quite stressful because I worry they'll serve something I don't like, and even eating in restaurants can be hard work because there's often only one or at the most two things I fancy on the menu. I swear it's not attention-seeking - I hate people noticing when I don't clear my plate, or commenting on my fussiness. I'd love to feel able to eat anything, it would make my life so much easier.

Honestly, I think a lot of people have a problem with 'fussy' eaters because of their own control issues.
Ironically, the more other people struggle with my food issues, the more of an issue they become. If the people I'm eating with don't seem bothered then I'll just get on with quietly not eating most of everything - however, if I know they're bothered by it then I get embarrassed, and I get anxious, and I feel the need to excuse myself and to explain why I can't eat that particular thing. So funnily enough, they're the ones causing the real problem.

"DS1 picks out prawns because he says he doesn't like them.....I know from experience when he was little he throws up if he ever eats one, but it still irrationally annoys me."
He might be allergic to them. That's the reaction I get to prawns/shrimp and shellfish. I don't like them because they make me throw up, not the other way 'round.

I'm pretty fussy with food, but I'm very low key about it. I don't tell people; will eat what I can and dispose of it discreetly (usually, via dustbin DH) if I really can't put it in my mouth (any type of egg, white sauce, cauliflower and tomatoes are my biggest fear). It's a mixture of texture and taste with me, but I can genuinely panic about some foodstuffs.

But my MIL hates it; it really pisses her off. I never bring it up with her, but she's always making digs at me when we're eating. She has a habit of offering me some unidentifiable hors-d'œuvre, (his family are French), and if I, politely, enquire what it is - she will tell me, condescendingly, not to worry about that; just to try it. I don't want to try it, I want to bloody know what's in it! She will tell everyone I'm a fussy eater at a dinner party and point out foods - "can you eat this? what about this?. I had an aubergine pate thing once and she gloatingly informed me that I don't like aubergines. Yes, I know - I was only eating it to be polite - it was revolting! It drives me insane.

Deviating from any societal norm - eat what's on your plate, in this case - seems to infuriate some people.

Greenwichjelly In terms of "sensory issues" my child is autistic. It isn't claptrap. Honest! This is a good explanation of sensory issues. www.autism.org.uk/sensory

Honestly, I think a lot of people have a problem with 'fussy' eaters because of their own control issues.

I disagree. I think it's about their control issues- not mine.
It's fussy eaters who are the control junkies, not us who are trying to cater for them.

While I do have sympathy for those fussy eaters who have severe emotional problems regarding food, I have no time for those who use it as a reason to control others- dictating restaurants, bossing around hosts and waiting staff.

I have an ED which means that over the years at different times, I've excluded foods, whole food groups, and at times existed on courgette, red onion and plain yoghurt.

Despite this, I find fussy eaters incredibly frustrating. I work this through with my therapist as I know how irrational it is.

I find it annoying as: a) I lack the compassion that other people see food differently to me, I have this huge block, and unless it's calorie related I just don't get it and b) the waste of food annoys me. Yup, I get the hypocrisy there too.

Maybe for me it's a jealousy that they COULD eat it, but choose not to, and I feel I'm not allowed it, as I'm so fat and don't deserve it.

What makes you think I was talking about you, goblinhat?

My fussy eating - caused by a combination of allergies, sensory issues and being a supertaster - can't possibly impact other people more than it does me. So why then do they feel the need to act the injured party if I happen to either a) not want to go to a particular restaurant, b) take ages to find something on the menu that I can eat, c) not eat anything, or d) am put off my own meal by either the smell or sight of whatever they're eating (do keep in mind that those senses can be affected by food as well)? As PPs have said there really is no right answer; any deviation from what is considered 'normal' is Wrong, and that can only be about controlling the way another person behaves.

I'm a single parent to a child with sensory processing disorder. He eats a very, very limited diet. While I have every sympathy with him and know it's largely beyond his control, I absolutely loathe going out to eat with him - he sucks the joy out of eating out.

It's better with other people there because I can more easily ignore the fact that his bread tastes funny or the chips are too fat but if he weren't too young to leave at home on his own, I wouldn't take him to restaurants with me. And the moment he's old enough to leave, I will do just that. He'll be pleased because he really doesn't like food.

Other parents don't like having him over and I get fed up with having to cook two meals every single day.

So that's why I don't like it. In his defence, he doesn't make a fuss about it particularly. I have also been extremely clear that making negative comments about the way someone else's dinner looks/smells is very rude indeed and he must never, ever do it.

Sillybillybonker - I know kids with autism have sensory issues, which is why I very specifically said "absent any neurological condition/autism etc" and I also made sure to specify I was talking about issues past childhood.

But all these adults who suddenly have "sensory issues" - no they don't; they can't all be autistic. They're jumping on a bandwagon to explain away "not liking" things. They're faddy eaters, nothing more nothing less, and it's really irritating and childish.

Generally in our house, we all eat a wide variety of things.

However, DS did have issues with the texture of beef for quite a while, mostly, I think, to do with chewing it.

After all, when you think about it, it's not that easy explaining to a child how to chew stuff.

He's much better about it now, and will eat beef sometimes.

I also accept that we all like and don't like different things, and that it's okay.

I don't like people who kick up a loud fuss about "How can you eat x,y,z? Eww, Yuck".

They might not like it, but I do and those are the kind of people who get up my nose. I may have pointedly said to such a person that he could keep his gob shut on one occasion

Due to various medical conditions and allergies most of my family have issues with different foods. However none of us are "fussy eaters".

When we go out (and we eat out often) we just work around these by avoiding dishes which will make us sick or quietly explaining things to the waiter and ordering off menu.

To me, a "fussy eater" is not someone with food issues, a fussy eater is someone who sucks all the fun out of social dining.

It's the unreasonable-ness of some demands. Dh will request spag bol has a tomato sauce that isn't too tomato-y when I cook it.

Wtf?.

No, I dont cook spag bol much.

*It originated from my being raised by Irish gp's who only ate VERY plain food and same stuck with me.
*

Interesting that you think your upbringing had an influence.

I was raised in rural Scotland in poverty. Food was potatoes, cheap meat, corned beef, dripping, potatoes, turnip, carrots, sausages. Very little fruit. Only cheddar cheese, no chicken.
The only snack was bread and margarine.

When I left home, moved to the city, earned money and time moved on I was like a kid is a sweet shop.

Food overwhelmed me- I tasted things I had never heard of- curry, rice that was not out of a tin, blue cheese, garlic, soy sauce, mangoes, shellfish, limes, olive oil, walnut oil, sesame oil, basil, galangal, ras el hanout...

My life was transformed from black and white into colour. I travelled, I ate wherever I was, I found food very exciting- and still do, many years later. I love trying new tastes, new textures,

So rafflesway I feel that my limited diet as a child in the gastronomy wastelands fuelled my love for food, and didn't limit it.

I want to take issue with those who say it's the fault of overindulgent parents.

My parents weren't overindulgent with me. They were worried sick. They did everything to try to get me to eat. You can't actually force a child to eat food if it doesn't want to. My father used to get annoyed with my mother (who he perceived as sometimes pandering to my fussiness) and would say that I ought to be served the same plate of food at every meal until I ate it. I can truthfully say that if he'd done that I would have starved to death. He never put it to the test but my will would have been stronger than his.

Incidentally I had a fussy child (not as fussy now she's older) and found it hard. She wasn't as bad as I was but it was difficult nonetheless. Unless you're a complete sadist you can't force children to eat food they find revolting.

ninja- What makes you think I was talking about you, goblinhat? I didn't. It was a general point.

Similar to goblinhat I was raised on mince and findus crispy pancakes. I couldn't believe it the first time I went out with a friend's family and had Chinese food, it was astounding. I love food now.

But it isn't fussy eaters that are the problem it's attention seeking eaters! Well I say that but have a nephew who will only eat margarita pizza and bread and chips and asparagus(?). He's late 30 sthg and it is a pain to organise a meal with him as they have to serve pizza or he'll just eat chips and be grumpy.

greenwich - my son has sensory processing disorder and dyspraxia. Not autism. Sensory issues are much wider than autism (although they are certainly linked conditions)

Fluffycloud - you have my sympathies, but I'd have never married someone like that! It's a combination of being fussy, while at the same time, not recognising their requests or requirements are fussy (or not really acknowledging htem enough to try and deal with it). The "annoy fussy person" (as aposed to the "discreet fussy person" or the allergy sufferer) might say "sorry to be difficult but..." but really they aren't sorry, because they believe their way of eating is the correct way, other people are hte weird ones for liking "horrible" "yucky" "hideous textured" foods.

Allergy sufferers on the other hand, tend to be really ok to cater for, as in general, they seem to get that catering for them is hard work, that the way they eat isn't "normal". They tend to genuinely try to make it easy for you.

(My mum is worse case type - she has some genuine allergies, some made up ones for attention that are really just things she's fussy about, she also then loudly finds the idea of eating anything other than the plainest of plain old fashioned british working class foods as "weird" - although she won't admit it as she likes pasta... )

Lynda - I think I probably had both sensory processing disorder and dyspraxia too, though neither of those diagnoses were available when I was a child, so my parents just worried all the time about this child who was hyper-sensitive and exceptionally clumsy and, if I'm honest, a bit weird.

I can't tell you how much I longed to be normal. It's very difficult to explain that to people who think you're being attention-seeking and should pull yourself together.

Oh he's good the rest of the time

I have a cows milk allergy which causes more problems

Sil serves me food she know's I cant eat and pretends to forget I'm allergic. She's a meat eating veggy though. No, I don't see her these days

"I didn't. It was a general point."
Nope, your reply was specifically about you and your reasons. Almost as if my comment had resonated with you in a way you didn't like. I said 'some people' and you jumped to the conclusion that you were being included in the 'some people' grouping.
And yes fussy eating can also be about control but that doesn't cancel out the fact that it also goes the other way. A few other people have said that they recognize it as their issue, so obviously my statement wasn't entirely incorrect.

I wonder how many people with food issues/fussiness do enjoy the attention? One reason I don't ask for something special to be made "off menu" at restaurants where I'm don't see anything I think i will like is that I don't want to draw excessive attention to myself.

I can see that it must be hard work being married to a fussy eater - to be honest, I've made much more effort to be open to new tastes and textures since I got together with DP because I don't want to be a pain in the neck for him. But even now that I'll happily eat Thai green curry or stir fry or whatever, secretly I'd prefer a nice cheese sandwich. Really strong cheddar, good salted butter and fresh crusty bread....

I don't think sensory issues are the same as fussiness. My DD literally heaves at the smell of fried food. This hasn't caused us too many problems so far, except that it used to limit where we could eat out around here (thank goodness for the new Sainsbury's cafe) and she used refuse to eat school lunch on Fridays (they've improved the alternatives to breaded fish/fish fingers and chips). Their school doesn't allow packed lunches except for medical reasons and I would have looked into getting a diagnosis of asd if she wasn't now eating.

Fussiness is our adult friend who eats no vegetables apart from peas.

What I hate is people noticing if I'm not eating much (or everything) and then drawing everyone's attention to it while they ask why, nag, cajole, offer to cook me something different and so on (kind but unnecessary). The offer to cook something else just makes me shrivel up with embarrassment because I don't want to put anyone to any trouble, but ATEOTD I want to be free to choose what I eat and don't eat and how much of it. It feels like emotional blackmail - eat this or I'll insist on going back into the kitchen and making you something else.

I do always try to eat what I'm offered - I think that's the first rule of good manners, if you like - but if for whatever reason I don't want to, then I think that my polite 'no thank you' should be equally politely respected without interrogation or sneering - that should be the second rule.

I don't usually want to explain, because partly it's a (private) medical issue and partly it's related to a phobia. Am I attention seeking because I'm forced to involve other people because they have pushed me for more information? I would honestly be FAR happier eating plain bread or salad, with no attention drawn to me, than I would be eating something more interesting that someone had had to make specially (or that I'd been pressured into ordering in a restaurant to avoid attracting attention). It's usually the company I'm there for, not the menu. But people do make it hard to do that sometime, as they just can't leave it alone, because they feel strangely entitled to push me to eat something different or to know why I don't want to.

Staling I wonder how many people with food issues/fussiness do enjoy the attention? Many I suspect.