To ask why people hate fussy eaters?

[StarlingMurmuration]

I can see why people might find it annoying if they've invited a fussy eater to dinner and he or she won't eat anything that's been prepared, but why does it seem to annoy people otherwise, if they're unaffected? I've often seen it said on MN that being a picky eater is "attention seeking", is that what many people think?

Full disclaimer: I have a lot of issues with the texture or smell of certain foods, and have done since I was a child. I'm a lot better now (e.g. up til my late 20s I couldn't bear things with sauce on them, and I had to separate all my food out, I couldn't take a mixed bite of things like veg AND meat) and now I'm always willing to try something new but there are certain things I can't eat without heaving, so I refuse to attempt them. I still find eating at people's houses quite stressful because I worry they'll serve something I don't like, and even eating in restaurants can be hard work because there's often only one or at the most two things I fancy on the menu. I swear it's not attention-seeking - I hate people noticing when I don't clear my plate, or commenting on my fussiness. I'd love to feel able to eat anything, it would make my life so much easier.

Ah - Fluffycloud - I too have met meat eating veggies, the joy of not knowing what they will eat on any given day... (I also have a SIL who reads any article mentioning something people are allergic too or something that might cause problems for some people and she's then convinced she/the DN's can't have it anymore, yet never tells you in advance of turning up for a meal what this week's requirement is - we currently aren't allowed to have nuts in the house, although no one in the whole family is actually allergic to nuts. Apparently you can't be too careful. We don't invite them over much...)

Mintyy- I don't think wires got crossed I just think she was rude! If the 24 hours of snide comments about my life style were anything to go by... I run to/ from work (rarely both ways but sometimes!)- 10k each way. She went on and on and on about how she'd never go running on roads cause her 72nd cousin 98 times removed got a bad knee from it. That sort of thing. I have a dog - ex racing greyhound she made some snide comment about how cruel it was for working dogs to be pets etc urg

I have to ask, brickoverfence, if your restrictions are that bad why are you accepting dinner invitations? If you don't want to eat what people have cooked but yet accept anyway, that's really rude.

It's definitely textures and smells with me. I like broccoli now, but only if it's lightly steamed. MIL boils hers to within an inch of its life, and so it'll all mushy and just disintegrates as soon as you bite it, which really makes me struggle. Same with most other veg.

Why do you think that, goblinhat? I mean, how can you tell?

If every fussy person on MN posted on this thread to say they hate people noticing their issues, would that change your mind?

Oh yes, the eating of bacon, beef, turkey is ok, as is cooking in goose fat.

Sausage is not ok

Then I've seen her send food back with bacon in it because she's veggy.

I hope all those people who don't get/have no time for fussy eaters realise how lucky they are not to be one! It can be such a miserable existence. I wish I could eat everything, I really really do.

I can relate to your op. My parents certainly didn't pander to me either, I was given the same meals as everyone else. At 9 it was obvious to all I couldn't physically eat certain foods so I learnt to cook and from then on I made my own.

Most people are not aware of my issues around food. I am torn between being polite and physically struggling to force things down when in the presence of others. I have never insisted on avoiding certain restaurants because there's nothing I can eat, I always find something even though it would not be something I would choose if the choice was mine alone. Close family know and to a degree understand it. I never make any demands I always try to find something on offer I can eat or offer to bring something I've prepared myself.

The dramatic attention seeking eaters are a different story all together. I don't think you can judge all fussy eaters as being the same.

brick - it's not that simple though. Food is such an integral part of our social interactions that someone who falls outside the norms does unfortunately draw attention to themselves, especially if they're a guest in someone else's home. If I cook for someone and they don't eat any of it, then I would want to give them something they do want to eat.

I think if you have massive issues, then don't accept invitations to people's houses to eat. Or own your issues and tell them in advance. It's a bit unrealistic to go to dinner at someone's house and not eat anything they've spent hours making and the host to not comment.

hackmum - . Not too late to get a dx you know. I know (from the groups I'm on for DS) that people are being diagnosed at 30/40/50 now :)

I'll eat most things but there are a few things I don't much like and one or two things I really dislike such as egg whites and really game'y meat. My DH also eats almost everything but can detect red peppers at ppm

I presume all the posters who think fussy eaters are just being fussy for the sake of it will literally eat anything? Otherwise it seems a bit hypercritical.

Is it fussy not to eat things such as;
Oysters
Tripe
Anchovies
Blue cheese
Cockles
Liver
Snails
Eel
Sour yak milk

There must be more.

Nuffin wrong with preferring a cheese sandwich Starling.

I don't consider myself a fussy eater, but yeah- you have to go a long way to beat a nice piece of cheddar.

OP, if the ingredients are on the menu, it's a lot more discreet to ask the kitchen to prepare something you can eat than ask the rest of the party to dine elsewhere. You don't have to announce it to the table as some annoying fussy eaters I know (and avoid when possible) do.

Sorry for typos

I have to ask, brickoverfence, if your restrictions are that bad why are you accepting dinner invitations? If you don't want to eat what people have cooked but yet accept anyway, that's really rude.

Perhaps you missed what I said about how I try always to eat what I'm offered? 95% of the time I eat everything and if I don't it's often not that noticeable because it's buffet type food anyway. My restrictions on food aren't that bad. What they are though is private. What stops me accepting invitations (usually to restaurants) is knowing that I won't be able to make my own food choices without attracting nosy and pushy comments from people who think they are entitled to know why, so if it's a restaurant where I know I can eat hardly anything it's going to be embarrassing.

If I cook food for someone else, that entitles me to offer it to them. No more. If they say no, it doesn't entitle me to push them to eat it, or demand to know why they won't.

Of course I'm also entitled not to invite them again (or perhaps to ask them privately between events what sorts of things they could eat more easily). What I'm not entitled to do is conduct real-time interrogations that make them feel pressured and bullied and embarrassed.

But I'd never ask anyone to eat somewhere else! If I was with a small group of friends who said, "Let' go to x restaurant, can you eat anything there, Starling?", I might say, "Well, no but I don't mind just having a drink if everyone fancies sushi" but otherwise I'd make my excuses and leave, or have a salad or something.

I don't care what you choose or choose not to eat as long as you've given me plenty of notice if I'm to cook for you... Simple. I can't stand preachy people either. I think we spend to much time caring about what other people think, feel and do.

Little DS won't eat any fruit & almost no veg which is bad for his health & makes me feel crap as as parent. So that's something I pretty much hate. Last year in another country I struggled to find food that either of the DSs would eat, that was a PITA. Foods they eat fine in UK tasted wrong over there (argh). No SN, no phobia, maybe a touch of anxiety but mostly PITA.

DH has some relatives who are fussy. It's not a huge problem but we certainly have to plan around their narrow palate.

Disclaimer: not talking about anyone with sensory issues or eating disorders etc etc.

I agree with many pp. Fussy eaters per se aren't a bad thing - it's when they go on about it and make life difficult for others that they become very annoying.

For example - I really don't like (ie, wouldn't cook at home or order in a restaurant) any of the following things: mushrooms, sweet chilli anything, lamb, creamy sauces on pasta, any salad dressings that aren't lemon, olive oil and salt, mustard, horseradish or anything pickled.

However - if I was served any of these items at someone's house, I would either say thank you politely, and eat it - or, leave it if I could leave it discreetly (ie if it was a side dish rather than a main). What I wouldn't do is poke it around my plate, moan about it or be rude.

I find the sight of grown adults (who again do not have sensory issues or EDs) pushing bits of onion off their pasta incredibly irritating. It's rude.

And I don't have a problem with children not eating things they don't like - that's fair enough and parents shouldn't force them. What I have an issue with is (and again I'm not including children with SN) children who won't even try something new, for example, or won't eat anything with 'green bits' on. When parents pander to these kids I don't think it's setting a good example, personally.

Lynda: " Not too late to get a dx you know."

Thank you. The strange thing is that I've grown out of most of the problems I had as a child. The food fussiness has mostly gone. Although I'm a bit clumsy now, I'm not massively clumsy like I was then. I can drive, for example, though it took me five goes to pass my test. I do get lost very easily - I find maps bewildering, but having satnav on my phone helps. The fact that my handwriting is terrible no longer matters as I can type everything, and these days I am never called on, thankfully, to draw pictures or diagrams (a constant source of humiliation when I was in school).

One of the things that makes me fairly sure I was dyspraxic was that I couldn't tie my shoelaces until I was 12. This puts me in a fairly select group that includes Einstein and - if you believe her - Camila Batmanghelidj.

Maple why have you posted the same thing multiple times

starling If every fussy person on MN posted on this thread to say they hate people noticing their issues, would that change your mind?

No it wouldn't. I base my view on real life, not here.

brick - it's not that simple though. Food is such an integral part of our social interactions that someone who falls outside the norms does unfortunately draw attention to themselves, especially if they're a guest in someone else's home. If I cook for someone and they don't eat any of it, then I would want to give them something they do want to eat.

I do understand that you would want to give them something they do want to eat, but would you consider this possibility, that there might be something they want even more than something different to eat? And that that something could be not to have attention drawn further to themselves than necessary? Would you accept them saying (quite truthfully) that a little bit of bread and cheese would be lovely, or would you stand there arguing and insist that they must want something more fancy, while they curl up with embarrassment?

To pick another example - I might equally inadvertently draw attention to myself if I went to the toilet five times in the first hour at a dinner party. Basic tact would still be not to draw attention to that in front of other people, or ask to know the details of why. I'm not saying that's an exact parallel, obviously, as going to the toilet isn't social, but then I think it's possible to eat socially while allowing people to keep the details of what drives their food choices private.

I have a colleague who only eats beige and brown food - claims that she can't eat anything else. So a lot of burgers and chips. It limits where we can eat out as a team as we want to be inclusive - my suggestions of Mexican, tapas, Vietnamese etc were all vetoed in place of a steak house. And I was mortified when at a v exclusive work event where lunch was provided - loads of gorgeous salads, meats and bread etc, she actually asked the serving staff for a burger and chips.