To ask why people hate fussy eaters?

[StarlingMurmuration]

I can see why people might find it annoying if they've invited a fussy eater to dinner and he or she won't eat anything that's been prepared, but why does it seem to annoy people otherwise, if they're unaffected? I've often seen it said on MN that being a picky eater is "attention seeking", is that what many people think?

Full disclaimer: I have a lot of issues with the texture or smell of certain foods, and have done since I was a child. I'm a lot better now (e.g. up til my late 20s I couldn't bear things with sauce on them, and I had to separate all my food out, I couldn't take a mixed bite of things like veg AND meat) and now I'm always willing to try something new but there are certain things I can't eat without heaving, so I refuse to attempt them. I still find eating at people's houses quite stressful because I worry they'll serve something I don't like, and even eating in restaurants can be hard work because there's often only one or at the most two things I fancy on the menu. I swear it's not attention-seeking - I hate people noticing when I don't clear my plate, or commenting on my fussiness. I'd love to feel able to eat anything, it would make my life so much easier.

itsraining you are also pandering to your SIL. In the instance you quote I would have insisted we split up, each couple going where they fancied and then meeting up later. If SIL or BIL are offended, tough, it shows them just how annoying people who insist on controlling other people's eating habits are.

Sounds like he has sensory issues, goblinhat. It's possible to have those and also have a good job, you know.

Because when you say 'oh I can't eat there put I am happy to go' you are already putting people in a awkward situation.

Tbh I manage 99% of the time and there are lots of places I can't eat because of cross contamination.

How often does it happen that you are out and people decide to go a for meal last minute and you had no idea food was on the cards.

You have the right to do whatever you want. Other people have the right to find it a pita.

I do find fussy eaters annoying....just like fussy eaters say they can't help it, I can't help finding it irritating. I used to work with someone who would actually spit food back out if she didn't like it. I used to dread going on work outings as she would always create some sort of a scene with regards to food. I understand it might have been stressful for her but I think she could maybe have stayed home as all she accomplished was a miserable night out for herself AND her work colleagues.

DCs here aren't fussy eaters at all but a couple of their friends are; one is easy enough to please and just gets on with it; I cook what I know he'll like so there's rarely an issue, and if there is he won't make a drama. The other is demented; if there's even food he dislikes on another person's plate at the same table he goes into meltdown mode and can't cope. Which makes mealtimes hard work (and faintly worrying for 4yo DS2 because he isn't used to screaming and fussing children on a regular basis). I don't invite him for tea as often as I do the other fussy eater because I just cannot cope with the drama.

It's only a PITA if it impacts on other people. If you just crack on with it, I see no problem at all.

Goblin your bil sounds like a nightmare! Lucky you only deal with him once a year.
I've noticed this fussy eater issue is so common these days. where did they all come from.

It doesn't happen very often, but it does happen. I'm glad that 99% of the time you manage, but that's not the case for everyone. You also seem to be ignoring the fact that I said I do that sometimes, not every time I eat out with people. It really would depend how well I knew the people I was with. So if I was with close friends who know about my anxiety issues about food I might say it but if I was with a crowd from work, I'd make an excuse to leave or to eat just a salad or similar.

Ironically it happens much less now I'm in my 30s with a family than when I was single and in my 20s and had a lot more food issues. Now chances are good I could eat something in the vast majority of places.

I think it's somewhat annoying at times because it reminds people of something they don't like about themselves. I was fussy as a child, issues with texture, and I really hated being seen as the fussy one, knowing that other people associate it with being precious, or inflexible, or narrow minded, etc etc., so I grew to hate it about myself, and really tried hard to change that aspect of myself and/or hide it, rather than just accept it and avoid those foods. So when I meet fussy eaters now, there's this weird combination of understanding what they feel like, but at the same time, resenting that they can accept it and be fussy and get what they want, whereas I made myself do /try/eat things that I didn't like. Illogical, I know. But that kind of thing happens subconsciously for a lot of people. And generally I think a lot of people have had to learn to like stuff, to try hard to become more open minded and adventurous, and it wasn't automatic. Or even now have some things that are more difficult to eat than others, and are often making compromises at restaurants anyway with things they aren't that keen on - so when one person in the group doesn't compromise at all and just says there's nothing they like, it can seem a bit unfair. And, as someone else said, there often does seem to be a general sense of fussiness, having to have everything just-so, not venturing out of their comfort zone more generally about fussy eaters. Again, I kind of recognise that in myself and hate it, and have tried really hard not to be seen like that, so I probably find it more irritating in others because I know that I probably would stick to my comfort zone too if I could get away with it. Not saying that any of this is rational or right or good, but just trying to explain why it happens, why people find fussiness irritating.

Goblin, my ds has started this but has had less time to hone it. I do hope he makes I to project manager one day!! He has to have beans and brocolli in separate bowls, not touching the food. He can't do sauce. He likes the taste of onions but not the texture. I think it's a physiological/ psychological issue and it becomes more of an issue due to people dealing badly with it.

If they keep quiet and don't involve me then I couldn't care less.

I happily cater for allergies or medical reasons, AS spectrum or vegetarians. If they are just fussy I don't want to know- it is very irritating in an adult and they should have grown out of it!

I don't hate fussy eaters. I just get annoyed by the ones who make a fuss. My sister, for example, who once cried into her curry in an Indian restaurant, ruining a family meal out, because she didn't like her food. It's childish.

If you don't like something and don't want to eat it - fine. I don't care. But as others have said, I will care if you start criticising what I'm eating, saying it's repulsive, you can't bear the smell, etc etc.

I like food, I like trying new things, going to new places, etc. For that reason I couldn't have a fussy eater as a partner because, to me, there's something so utterly joyless about turning your nose up at every restaurant you see. Or eating the same plain foods all the time, never trying anything new.

Holidays are a case in point. Going on holiday with a fussy eater would drive me round the bend. So much of the fun is trying the local specials, especially the menu-less places that just bring you their dish of the day, that being with a fussy eater would really ruin it for me.

I know there are lots of people with intolerances, allergies, sensory issues etc. But equally, there are lots of plain fussy people out there who seem to think their diet is interesting or endearing. It's not...

I certainly wouldn't marry a fussy eater!

People hate fussy eaters because food is not just about nutrition. It's about socialising, it's how people connect, how friendships are strengthened, relationships are made and even how business is conducted. It's not just about the food - it's the event, the routines and rituals, it's all the culture around eating and how it is constructed in society.

Recently DH and I met a new member in our social circle but then found out he was both vegan and teetotal (the latter because he said he was getting too old for two day hangovers - well can't he drink in moderation and have no hangover? Anyway). Basically we have decided that it is just more effort than it's worth to try to build a friendship - think about it - you can't get him to pop round for a cup of tea, can't pop out for a beer, can't make him a birthday cake, if he comes for dinner you have to make him a whole separate meal - everything is restricted by what he can eat and drink which is just RIDICULOUS.

And yes I have NCd and put on a tin hat.... Sorry if you don't like what I have to say - but it's the truth!

It's not the case for everyone. But most restaurants can cater for you. Or can make something if you ask?

Imo dealing with severe allergies is harder than dealing with a fussy eater. Especially gluten as you have to ensure people use a separate fryer, for example.

As I said before my issue is with people who expect life to be organised around them. Even though it's a large group, they matter no one else does.

Also you asked why people find it annoying. It's because it can make every event awkard and stressful for everyone else. That may not be the case for you. But as I said I am talking about the situations (many given by other posters) where fussy eaters are making everything about them and ruining other people's events or occasions.

I was a fussy child and have grown into a fussy adult, I don't have any known sensory or behavioural issues but texture and taste is a big thing for me. I have gotten better with age so I can lead a relatively 'normal' life in that respect, there are still some things that most people have no problem with, that I can't handle. I hate it, it's embarrassing. I hate thinking people are inwardly rolling their eyes at me, that people think I'm attention seeking or being childish. The last thing I want is to draw attention to myself. I don't ever mention it and fortunately the kind of places the people I know like to eat at generally have something on the menu that I like so I can hide it most of the time. But really I'd just like to be 'normal'.

Being made to sit and eat something I didn't like as a child didn't make a difference to how I ate. It may work for some children, but not all.

runaway I was the same as you as a child, I couldn't stand to be seen as fussy.

I have problems with meat, there are very fee meat products I can eat because fat/grisle/bones on it make me gag. I remember been served stew at a friends house, her parents were very religious and strict and insisted we ate everything. The beef in the stew had revolting tubes of cartilage all over it... Instead of saying anything I excused myself to go to the toilet and quietly unlocked the front door an escaped!

To this day I still cant bare most meat products, but I try to get on with it quietly because I hate someone showing me up when I'm eating

His veganism is due to wanting to "be healthy" rather than for ethical reasons. I have just looked up the ingredients of vegan substitute food. Ugh. I don't even know what half of them are. Yet my steak, veg and potatoes aren't healthy? Riiight.

There is just no flexibility, everything is constrained. Fussy eaters are a real PITA!!

My 16 yo DS is a real veg dodger and he will pick apart a hamburger so that it has nothing but meat and cheese in it and OMG the fuss that is made is some kind of sauce or relish other than the four pints of ketchup which he insists on should accidentally get put on his burger and it all has to be scraped off with lots of huffing and puffing and tutting.

But last night we ate out, he ordered a burger and said 'no tomato or onion, just the lettuce please.' WTF? Why has he suddenly, apropos of nothing, after 16 years of steadfast lettuce refusal, decided that it's now ok to eat the lettuce? When did he even decide to try some lettuce to know that it has suddenly become okay?

It just goes to show that if you give things a try you find they aren't hideous after all.

Fussy eaters are frustrating regardless of the reasons behind it. However, it is not a big deal on the grand scale of things. I have a teenage son with sensory problems around food so I have to be tolerant. I really find it annoying when friends boast about how well their children eat because they "gave them such a wide choice of food and introduced their palettes to different textures from an early age... blah blah". I have to tell them that actually, they are lucky - there are other things that influence food likes and dislikes.

To be fair, this is an inclusivity issue. There are many common food groups that can't be eaten by people with certain health conditions, and sensory problems with foods are emerging as a major cause of "fussy" eating.

Restaurants & cafes should be more aware of these factors and make more effort. It took 30 years to get vegetarian inclusivity, another 10 to accommodate vegans. Maybe you/we need to bring the matter to the front, instead of pussyfooting around other people's expected annoyance.

Most of us would have little tolerance for a group of friends whingeing about one of their number being in a wheelchair or blind - perhaps we ought to be thinking a bit more carefully about 'invisible' needs, as well.

I think quiet fussy people aren't a problem, because you arent' really aware they are fussy.

It's the loud ones, or the ones who expect everything to be changed for them, and if they don't ask, make a thing about not being about join in or do a big martyr act about how obviously they can't join you.

My Mum does this, some real allergies, some made up ones that are fussiness, and she makes every meal about her, even if you make foods she can have (roast dinner is fine, as long as there's only burnt meat, soggy veg and nothing red on her plate), she'll still make a fuss about how lovely it is to have a meal she doens't have to worry about (reminding everyone there are meals she can't have).

And yes, the attitute that foods that others like are 'disgusting' or 'yucky' - it's so fucking childish and irritating to others, insulting to them and their diets.

One my adult DC is a really fussy eater. She knows it's her problem and that her fussiness must be allowed to effect anyone else. Even as child she wouldn't ask other people for special food and would be prepared to go hungry rather than cause any trouble. She would never suggest not going to a particular restaurant. Although she may just choose a simple starter when she gets there.

She hates being a fussy eater. It embarrasses her.

I don't really see why people get so het up about other peoples fussiness if it doesn't impact on them. It seems just as childish as being fussy with food.

I'm not at all fussy about food but I don't drink alcohol and I find it a bit odd that some people try to push me to drink alcohol.

A lot of the examples on this thread have get nothing to do with being fussy with food and everything to do with being rude.

If parents didn't pander there would be no fussy eaters. Yeah, that's a fuck off from me too. I assume your children are perfect in every way and never misbehave at all

Absent any neurological condition/autism etc, all this "sensory issues" claptrap is absolute nonsense, past childhood. This was never an issue in years gone by; it's been made up in recent years to explain away fussiness and now suddenly everyone has "sensory issues". No they don't - they're jumping on a bandwagon. A grown adult really should be able to put on their big boy/girl pants and eat food without gagging like a toddler, for goodness' sake, and if they can't, then they need to decline dinner invitations. It's ridiculous and childish to make everyone else uncomfortable and sit there complaining and picking at food all night or force everyone to go somewhere else to accommodate their fussiness. Can't abide it.

Oh, and the person's attitude has a big bearing on it too. If they have an entitled air about them, expecting everyone to fit round them (as the poster says above) that's very different to someone who is clearly distressed but is making every effort not to ruin things for everyone else

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Sounds like he has sensory issues, goblinhat. It's possible to have those and also have a good job, you know. hmm

Perhaps- but it sounds like he also has rudeness issues, drama queen issues and look at me issues.
I eat most things- on the rare occassion I have been served something I cannot eat, which rarely happens, I make an attempt then leave it or make a polite excuse.
I don't start ordering everone around like R2fucking D2.