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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask why people hate fussy eaters?

418 replies

StarlingMurmuration · 29/08/2015 15:06

I can see why people might find it annoying if they've invited a fussy eater to dinner and he or she won't eat anything that's been prepared, but why does it seem to annoy people otherwise, if they're unaffected? I've often seen it said on MN that being a picky eater is "attention seeking", is that what many people think?

Full disclaimer: I have a lot of issues with the texture or smell of certain foods, and have done since I was a child. I'm a lot better now (e.g. up til my late 20s I couldn't bear things with sauce on them, and I had to separate all my food out, I couldn't take a mixed bite of things like veg AND meat) and now I'm always willing to try something new but there are certain things I can't eat without heaving, so I refuse to attempt them. I still find eating at people's houses quite stressful because I worry they'll serve something I don't like, and even eating in restaurants can be hard work because there's often only one or at the most two things I fancy on the menu. I swear it's not attention-seeking - I hate people noticing when I don't clear my plate, or commenting on my fussiness. I'd love to feel able to eat anything, it would make my life so much easier.

OP posts:
maddening · 31/08/2015 08:31

mermaid - your dislike of mushrooms may not be so severe as what is experienced by some fussy eaters. I know I fit the caveat as I have ibs and am veggie so my medical condition and 20 year veggie status means there are food I have to avoid and cannot be expected to eat but I also am v sensitive to spice - what others describe as mild spice or pepper leaves my mouth feeling scorched I therefore don't eat it and won't sit there in pain to appease some weird control freak host who serves it which is equally bad manners imo

maddening · 31/08/2015 08:47

Ps Google - not sure if the thing about raw - cooked veg is poppycock - some ibs is triggered more by raw food and this is stated in medical advice about Ibs - I can be triggered if I eat too much salad - particularly lettuce and cucumber or if i am being particularly sensitive a little salad might set me off but I eat tons of cooked veg and veg soups. I love mushrooms and can eat them maybe once a week but if I eat them the next day I am ill. I know it suits you to ignore other people's actual experiences so your intolerance to those with food issues can remain in tact but some of us have to suffer pain and real discomfort if we were to eat as you see fit and some have real food phobias - why would you expect people to go through pain or fear to eat when in this country it is not necessary I really don't know - it seems Unnecessarily mean and rude

MrsTrentReznor · 31/08/2015 09:43

I'm quite good at hiding my fussiness. Most people don't know about my hatred of certain foods.
I can't hide it from the MIL though because all veg is boiled on the highest heat for half a fucking hour before being presented in a disgusting heap for me to gag on.
I love green beans in restaurants.
At MIL's I put on my fussy head to avoid them. Unfortunately that normally means an extra, massive serving spoon of mushy overcooked carrots instead.
As far as they are concerned I'm a fussy pain in the bum. If it saves me from her veg, I don't give a shit.
I've tried asking for it to be cooked for a shorter time, but apparently "undercooked" veg is disgusting... Hmm

itsraininginbaltimore · 31/08/2015 09:45

playnicely I am trying to analyze exactly why it's so irritating too! I think as we are very social animals who have always lived in packs or tribes, on some deep primeval level we need to know that we can work as one, all accept the same conditions even if they are not our personal preference (democracy) and rely on the cooperation of others when under threat. Food is such an important social bonding mechanism for human beings and perhaps We have a subconscious inherent distrust of people who are incapable of pulling together for the greater good and who would appear to put themselves on some sort of pedestal of difference that must be catered for.

It reminds me of the scene in the Royale Family where Nana insisted she needed to have only the breast meat of the turkey because she 'can't' eat the brown meat! Of course she could if she wAs genuinely hungry and in need of protein, she just didn't especially like it in comparison to what she perceived to be the better bits.

If you live in a relatively privileged world where you have never known real hunger and a huge variety of foods are readily obtainable you can easily convince yourself of the narrative that goes 'I can't eat that and it's not my fault.'

Of course you are rarely required to actually put this to the test, beyond touching the tip of your tongue to the end of a spoon and upon immediAtely tasting something unfamiliar or strongly flavoured your brain goes 'No! Lockdown! Unfamiliar taste/substance/texture! Panic mode!' Because you have already convinced yourself in advance that this substance is not for you and there is no real incentive for you (ie real hunger) to actually chew a few mouthfuls and give it a fair crack of the whip. But what it really happening is that you are saying 'I won't and as I am not yet starving I don't see why I should have to.'

Again, on a primeval level, when you are hunting, gathering, cooking and eating as a group and pulling together to make sure everyone gets their fair share according to their age/size and the physical job they perform, and that much needed nutrition reaches those who need it most; the hunters, the fighters, the protectors, the pregnant, the young, weak, elderly and sick, the last thing you have much tolerance for is someone who insists that their taste preferences are more important than everyone else's collective needs. You can't afford to be fussy, you eat what's there because it's all there bloody well is, and fussiness sees you either starve or be extremely unpopular and considered ungrateful in your social group.

Even though those arguments don't really apply to us in the developed world now, I think perhaps that's why on a deeply subconscious level we still find it deeply irritating to be around an incredibly fussy eater.

Most of us have at least one or two things we might gag at or really struggle with. I wasn't enamoured by the sight of chargrilled goat liver and lungs wrapped around a skewer using lengths of intestines on Rick Stein's travels through Albania the other day. I really think I'd have to be on the verge of passing out through hunger before I'd want to eat that, but if I was served it in Albania by someone who found it totally delicious and was being hospitable I would reluctantly chew my way through a couple of mouthfuls and spit it into my napkin when no one was looking because I know it would be important to them (again on some sort of subconscious primeval level) that I tried. And I might even surprise myself and find that is is surprisingly delicious.

It's normal to feel that way about a small handful of very unfamiliar and challenging foods. When you react that way to 75% of the everyday familiar foods around you it's less easy for people to be understanding.

itsraininginbaltimore · 31/08/2015 09:46

God that was an essay, sorry. Confused

TheDowagerCuntess · 31/08/2015 10:03

baltimore, you are on fire on this thread.

Other people's food fussiness affects me not a jot, and I don't actually know anyone who's particularly fussy - or at least, not so you'd know. But as a behaviour it's so unappealing, especially when it's in a social setting, when generally people are trying to oil the wheels and have fun. Someone putting a downer on the situation is just so unwelcome.

Mermaidhair · 31/08/2015 10:07

So there are different levels of "disliking of texture"? Really? Mine isn't as "severe"? If your mouth is literally burning, I think that is different.

Playnicelyforfiveminutes · 31/08/2015 10:14

baltimore I had to read it twice Blush I think you are right. No it doesn't apply nowadays, but lots of our behaviour is relics of instinct from when we were cavemen.
I have such an extreme emotional reaction to it (grind my teeth and sneer)when I'm mostly a laid back type. Must be something primal.

I saw that episode! (And the rest of the box set:)

itsraininginbaltimore · 31/08/2015 10:15

Thank you Dowager

TelephoneIgnoringMachine · 31/08/2015 10:16

I'm married to a difficult eater. He is often unable to decide what he wants to eat for dinner - despite having vetoed whatever was on the meal plan, having been in the house all morning with a fully stocked kitchen, down to the supermarket, and looked at 3 takeaway menus. I ended up ordering without him last night, again, as DD & I had not eaten lunch - also due to his fussiness. He says he gets too stressed /hungry & then can't think about it. His parents think it's funny. Apparently he was always like this & they did nothing about it.

And breathe.

GoogleBoggle · 31/08/2015 10:27

Maddening having IBS (which I and many others also have) and finding some foods more digestible in different forms is a totally different thing to believing that whatever someone is intolerant to 'cooks out' of a food product, or indeed that warming it creates anything that you can then be intolerant to. It might be more/less digestible in different forms but doesn't actually create or remove a food intolerance. Nor does it explain the 'I'll eat it cooked but if it's raw I just can't bear to put it in my mouth self indulgent nonsense. You can bear to, you just don't want to (not you, the pp). That person will probably claim it will make them sick or gag or faint or whatever but in truth, they'd just have a bit of an unpleasant mouthful and then it would be over. One of the reasons people get annoyed by this type of extreme fussiness is that it's not genuine. There are very few people who are so phobic of food that they will vomit - they just don't like it.

As it happens, I don't care if guests leave something on their plate that they don't like - I'm not really the 'eat everything including stuff you don't like' type of person but don't make up bullshit about being intolerant to certain foods.

And by the way, I don't expect people to go through 'pain and fear' to eat as you state. I mostly don't believe that they suffer 'pain and fear' just a bit of a dislike, and if they really do feel 'pain and fear' with regards to food then they need to get medical (if pain) or mental (if fear) health help and stop acting like it's totally normal.

maddening · 31/08/2015 10:42

I find being able to digest something without pain a reason to avoid the food - if raw veg does cause pain yet cooked it doesn't then the act of cooking it has made it digestible.

If someone has food phobias - and food having such an emotional response as for example the feel of fat in your mouth alone releases happy hormones as does eating sugar etc along with other hormones triggered through eating so it is possible for this mechanism to be disordered - no phobia is rational - do agoraphobics just need to get out more for example - then it is possible that for some people the response is more extreme than for someone who can just suck it up - yes there will be varying extremes in anything .

maddening · 31/08/2015 10:44

And the medical response to ibs is to avoid the food as it is for coeliac.

RainbowFlutterby · 31/08/2015 10:49

maddening - I think people who have any phobia (not just food) that has a negative impact on their lives should seek proper help. Even more so if their phobia has a negative impact on other people's lives.

I wonder how many of these "fussy" eaters are actively doing that as opposed to expecting everyone else to deal with the problem.

StarlingMurmuration · 31/08/2015 10:58

I'm actually on the waiting list for CBT to help me deal with my anxiety issues, some of which still revolve around food. Does that mean you find my fussiness less annoying?

OP posts:
RainbowFlutterby · 31/08/2015 11:02

Actually Starling, yes it does make it less annoying. A lot less. I would be there encouraging you all the way, and I would have your back if someone "started" on you.

I have a lot of time for people who at least try to help themselves.

LyndaNotLinda · 31/08/2015 11:16

Goggle - my son will either gag or just hold the food in his mouth if he doesn't like the texture. At the age of 2.5, he held some fish and mashed potato (that his CM had insisted he eat) in his mouth for nearly 3 hours until I went to collect him.

That is not self indulgent nonsense. It's a very real phobia. He was very underweight for a long time until I accepted his food issues were very real and started to work with them, rather than against them. I'm really hoping that he expands his diet as he gets older but he's going to have to want to do that and right now he doesn't.

Starling - good on you for getting help. I really hope CBT helps you deal with your food issues. It doesn't sound much fun at all

itsraininginbaltimore · 31/08/2015 11:17

Well yes, actually agarophobics do need to get out more Grin it is a recognized treatment for phobias to take the patient through a process of gradual and controlled introduction to whatever it is they are phobic about so that they can that the world doesn't end after all.

Back to my SIL for a moment, who is a very fussy eater (and indeed a fussy and inflexible person in general) she will actually eat quite a few foods from her narrow list which many otherwise 'good' eaters will find challenging. She claims to be a super taster yet she eats liver, cauliflower, Brussels sprouts and a few other cruciferous veg which many people find unpleasantly sulfurous.

She drinks gallons of tea but cannot abhor even the smell of coffee. There is a key to this I think. She grew up in a house were tea was served but never coffee. She was fed liver and sprouts and cauliflower cheese from an early age and accepted them as 'normal' easy unthreatening comfort foods but she was never given garlic or any kind of spices, shellfish, pasta, etc so by the time she was old enough to choose or prepare her own food, being a very rigid and methodical personality type in general she just never branched out into considering any of these things with anything but deep suspicion.

I think this goes some way to show that it isn't as simple as just not liking strong tastes or certain textures, and the fact that some of us apparently taste things differently to others, it's as much about early social conditioning and personality type as anything else.

She pretty much eats the same half a dozen meals on strict rotation her whole life and although she and BIL like to travel and see the world their holiday plans are very much shaped by whether SIL is confident that she will have access to food that is exactly to her liking.

StarlingMurmuration · 31/08/2015 11:17

Ok, fair enough. I've really struggled with my mental health (depression, anxiety, sensory problems etc) most of my life, and my eating issues are part of that. I guess that's why I think people with eating issues should be treated with the same kind of compassion you'd give a person with depression.

OP posts:
itsraininginbaltimore · 31/08/2015 11:21

In the case of your son lynda if he can hold fish in his mouth for three hours then he either has a fear of swallowing or control issues over being made to eat food not of his choosing. What he clearly doesnt have is an intense dislike of the taste or texture of fish and mashed potato! Unless you are holding your nose the whole time you will taste and feel the food in your mouth for as long as it is there.

RainbowFlutterby · 31/08/2015 11:21

Tbh Starling I do. I'm afraid I also have no patience with people with depression who won't do anything to help themselves.

Been there, done that, had CBT myself, and ADs.

LyndaNotLinda · 31/08/2015 12:09

It was because his CM had told him not to spit it out Baltimore. He has sensory processing disorder (as I said downthread several times so I thought I wouldn't bother repeating it on the assumption people have actually read the thread). He doesn't have control issues, he has sensory issues.

DistanceCall · 31/08/2015 12:17

clicketyclick66: My brother said recently he'd love if I was stuck in a war zone or famine ridden country - then I'd eat all meats out of desperation! I absolutely would not!

Oh yes you would.

RunAwayHome · 31/08/2015 12:25

Treating with tolerance and compassion is a separate issue to them being annoying, though.

People can treat others with tolerance and compassion and accommodate them to various degrees - it doesn't necessarily make the behaviour less of a pain, though, but there are loads of things that we put up with that are irritating or less than ideal, because we see a greater good in doing so.

I think some posters would like the question about why fussy eaters are annoying to be answered with "oh of course you're not a pain", or "oh, I didn't realise what a issue it was for you and now that I know it, it isn't annoying at all", whereas in actual fact, many people have said "yes, it is a pain or annoying. I do understand/I've had issues myself/I've worked on them/I've not worked on them/I agree with the causes/I don't agree with the causes/I will make you special food/I won't make special food/various other responses.. but regardless, it is still a pain and this is why". And it comes down to that. Yeah, it's more of a hassle than if you weren't like that. Sometimes people are happy to deal with that, sometimes they're not, depending on what the cause is, what you're like about it, what they're like, etc. But it doesn't change the basic fact.

So fussy people do have to accept that it is a pain/annoying for others. I've had to accept that. They can try to change if they want, or not, up to them. In my case, I decided that I'm not enough of a person for my company to be enough - why should people want to spend time with me if I'm going to be awkward and difficult and make others uncomfortable? Doesn't matter if it's not my fault, the fact remains - why should they want to be with me if it's not that enjoyable for them? It's not some absolute right that I should have to have people who will spend time with me - I have to work at it and earn it, and one way is to try to be a relatively flexible and easy person to be with. Maybe other fussy people are better company to start with, and so they do have loads of people who are happy to spend time with them and put up with their fussiness or them putting a downer on social occasions. They are obviously funnier and more interesting than I am! I don't think I can afford to annoy people like that, so I have worked very hard to be less fussy. There are still things I really don't like and probably would politely leave behind, but it's only a couple of things. I would be unadventurous about a lot of the weird unusual foods on some of those travel shows, yes, but I think that's within realms of normal. The few things I really find hard to eat now are quite easy to avoid/leave out in usual situations, and I can manage many other things even if they're not really my preference. And I think most people have similar things - nobody expects a meal that is entirely to their liking, all the time. There are often difficult bits. But you do it because of the whole food/eating as social bonding.

I still try to be tolerant and understanding and compassionate with other fussy eaters, though, but I don't deny that it can be a pain.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 31/08/2015 14:00

Googleboggle - according to this article, heating/cooking can change the allergic-reaction-causing properties of some proteins. It may not completely remove their allergenicity, but does in some cases.