To not want MIL to have my baby two days a week?

[Writteninscars]

I'm just over four months pregnant and we've been to hell and back to have this baby. I was at the point of giving up and moving on when joyously we discovered I was pregnant.

Unfortunately FIL died recently and obviously MIL and dh and his siblings are very very upset. Dh is worried that MIL will be lonely without FIL, which I'm sure she will particularly at first. She is very healthy with lots of friends and a huge family so she is in a more fortunate position than some people, if fortunate is the correct word.

Dh has three siblings and we all live pretty near to MIL. Since FIL has died dh seems to have taken it on himself to be responsible for MIL. She has 7 grandchildren already but is understandably excited about this latest addition.
Dh would like her to have the baby two days a week once it is born. I'm not planning on going back to work for a year - if I go back at all - so it's not a childcare issue. It's to give mil something to do. Dh actually said it would be better if I don't feed the baby myself as then MIL can have it sooner.

I'm really not confrontational and find it difficult to say what I want at the best of times but especially hard at the moment as dh and his family are grieving their father and husband. However I've waited a bloody long time for this baby, she's had four of her own, and I don't think we are responsible for her happiness. I don't mind taking the baby over but I don't wish to just give it up two days a week once it's here.

Aibu? I don't think I am but dh shuts me down by going on about how unhappy his mother is.

Oh and to add - my baby is 12mo and has never spent a night away from me and won't be for a long time either! The thoughts of being forced to hand over care of my newborn unnecessarily would have just killed me.

The fact that you can't speak to him about it without him losing his temper is worrying. You need to deal with this now though. You cannot let this fester for 5 months. Once the baby is born, you will be tired, emotional and full of love for the most precious little person in your whole life. Being forced to be separated from your baby will be a one way ticket to major PND.

Fuck me. YADDDDNBU.

This seems to me to be a marital problem as the OP is scared of her DH because he "loses his temper quickly" - so it sounds to me like he is controlling and the OP has allowed herself to be controlled because she doesn't like confrontation and is not assertive in any way.

When I read the OP I thought it was a wind up as any sane person would think this was a ridiculous idea, and it was only when it came out about the dynamic of the r/ship that I realised the OP was serious.

So OP I think you really have to stand up to your DH on this one - it's beyond all reason and I worry about his state of mind that he can suggest something so unreasonable. OK it's commendable he's concerned about his mother but to try to "fix her" with this suggestion is ludicrous. I know you're hoping the idea will just get diffused in some way, but as others have said, the tension it can cause is not good in pregnancy. There is evidence that babies in utero are adversely affected when the mother is tension and there is conflict in the r/ship. Getting the HV to talk to him is one idea, but I think you are going to have to learn to stand up to your DH one way or the other, as god only knows what he will suggest next.......

I agree 100% with coconut,

I haven't even had my baby yet and the thought of him/her been prised away from me for even a minute fills me with dread, never mind two days!!

Tell your DH to get his mother a bloody dog if she needs the company. Failing that, just tell him to piss off and grow up.

How bloody dare he make plans for the care of your baby. How bloody dare he arrange for it to be torn from your arms!

There are a million reasons why this idea totally bloody insane. But lucky you, the insanity is rearing its head a decent time before your precious baby has been born. You've got five months to lay the ground-work and make it plain that the answer is an absolute and irrevocable "Hell no. Over my dead body". If that won't work, plan your escape and give birth far, far away from him and his precious mother.

Not breastfeed so MIL can have him/her sooner?!!

No, no, no and no. Stop explaining yourself, your DH is being ridiculous.

I do think you need to make it clear that you consider this behaviour abusive:

*Refusing to discuss your needs, desires and views about what's best for baby without flying off the handle.
*Dictating that the baby be cared for from a very early age, outside the home against your will and for significant amounts of time.
*Making important childcare choices unilaterally on the basis of what's best for his mother despite a body of research clearly pointing in another direction and clearly expressed differing wishes from you.
*Trying to override your wish to breastfeed, against despite a body of research clearly pointing in another direction in terms of what's best for baby.
*Putting you under strain by suggesting he will have his mother remove the baby from you at a time when a decent husband would prioritise your welfare and baby's welfare by supporting you.
*Putting you at risk of post natal depression by warning you that your baby will be taken away against your will at a time when you will be emotionally very vulnerable.
*Failing to prioritise baby's welfare by considering what is in the baby's best interests.
*Failing to prioritise his responsibilities as a husband and father by using you both as pawns to prop his mother up. Does anyone else matter to him at all in all this?

You will sound eminently reasonable by assuring him that you will of course support a relationship between your child and your MIL by ensuring they get to see each other regularly, though not necessarily alone. It is very unreasonable of him however to override your right to have a choice in the matter. You are the one taking the hit in terms of your career by taking maternity leave so as primary carer and it was agreed between you that it would be your role, so you should be deciding what's best for baby during working hours when baby is primarily your responsibility. If your DH wants to give up his weekends - your only family time - to his mother, that's still something that would need to be talked about but would at least be a fairer proposition from him to put forward. I would point this out. I would also be making it clear that you are perfectly free to go back to work or not, as is best for the immediate family and what you choose, without considering what would suit your MIL for a nanosecond. And you will not automatically consider MIL as the default childcare option until you can evaluate what is best for baby at the time. (I think current research suggests that a combination of nursery and wider family care is optimum if mum/dad isn't around).

I would be making it clear that I would re-evaluate the entire relationship unless this regrettable episode disappears pronto.

Your DH is completely bonkers. Tell him I said so

Your baby and you get to look after him/her!

I would be interested as to whether mil had a similar arrangement with her own mil. I'd bet not.

What do you think OP - obviously everyone is of the same mind about this but I'm worried that you won't be able to stand up to him, or you wouldn't have posted this in the first place.

I think featherandblack has raised some important issues. Do you feel able to assert yourself? if not, I think you are putting yourself at risk as no rational father-to-be would make such a suggestion.

Really hope you can assert yourself and tell your DH that he is being irrational and you are not in agreement with this plan. Can you talk to MIL to see if she knows anything about the plan - does it sound likely that she would want this - if so, she's as irrational as him.

I honestly think you need to take very seriously that there is a big problem in your r/ship if you are afraid to disagree with DH because he has a "quick temper" and that's the crux of the matter really.

It's overwhelmingly obvious from all the posts that your husband's position is completely unreasonable.

I think you hope he will just change his mind with a bit of gentle persuasion and some pussy footing around on your part. I am worried that you can have peace now, but this whole thing will blow up when the baby arrives and you must be worried sick. Believe me, being pregnant is not easy, but it is even more complicated with an infant.

It seems that you really do need to assert yourself and to be clear. I'm concerned that you won't be able to do this because you are afraid (possibly quite rightly) of your husband's temper.

Can you run home to your family? Is it an option? If things go really wrong?

Cross posted with NanaNina, who I completely agree with.

Try not to worry. It won't happen.
If it doesn't make more sense to him when the baby 's here, we'll be here to help you stick up for yourself on this.
Us and your mum.

I hope it's just your husband's grief at the death of his dad, worry about what will happen to his mum, and fear of impending fatherhood, that has made him come up with this idea. I can see that to someone with no experience of parenthood and suffering a bereavement and worry over loved ones, that this looks like a brilliant solution! It isn't, of course.

I hope, op, that he sees how ridiculous this idea is, when he has recovered some equilibrium.

However, losing his temper easily, and not listening to you, are issues you need to think about, unless they too started when his dad died. Do keep a check on that though. As people have said, they are red flags.

Congratulations! I've been in this situation where FIL died and MIL on her own. She was always meddling but became a lot worse after his death. Fast forward a year later I'm pregnant and the trouble started. Husband always sided with her and when baby was 6 months old we decided to separate combination of MIL and tiredness. But after a good chat we didn't split but problems kept coming from MIL, she looked after baby 1 day a week and when baby was 9 months old she done something which resulted in me chucking her out of our house. Wasn't proud but im very mild manner but there is only so much one can take. Things change and once I calmed down, life carried on but damage was done. It seems she can't help herself, always stirring. But I'm now old and ugly enough to defend myself. It took about 4 years for my husband to see what was going on. I tolerate her now for my husband and kids sake but will never forget. Sorry for the rambling but stand firm, it's your baby and your decision.

Your DH is so worried about his mothers feelings but doesn't give a shit about his unborn child A newborn baby in the fourth trimester who needs to be with his/her mummy... he wants to take the baby away from where he/she feels safe and secure, stop you breastfeeding which is the best start and instead hand him/her over like a doll to give his mother a hobby! I really think you need to make it very clear now rather than allow him to carry on thinking this might happen. It'll just end up causing a bigger problem when you have a newborn which will be MUCH worse. I'm sure his MIL will be a lovely granny and will, in time babysit. The same as your mum. How dare he put his mother (one person) above, most importantly, the baby and also you and your mum (everyone else) I agree with others that it's concerning he feels this is ok and you are worried to tell him that you disagree. DH and I have had conversations that go something like "shall I call my mum and ask her to have DS tomorrow for you" "good idea but I'm taking DS to 'insert activity' tomorrow - another time" and that is the end of it. No difficulties anywhere.

It is concerning he isn't considering the needs of his child.

How are you now Written?

Yes I'm wondering if you're coming back Written - you can't be in any doubt about the views of MNetters. But I always worry when OPs don't come back, in case they don't like what they're hearing.

Hope you're ok.

I thought this was going to be a thread about a one year old where you were returning to work and DH wanted MIL to have baby 2 days and you prefer extra nursery / childminder. That's a much more marginal case but with a newborn he must be out of his mind to suggest it. Stick to your guns and do it now so there's no misunderstanding down the line.

We lost our grandad very suddenly a few months ago.

We did offer up various children to my grandmother but ours are older and there are 8 of them to rotate. The ones she didn't want were the younger ones who needed caring for.

She's happy to share her sofa and watch a movie with her 10yo grandson or go window shopping with her 13yo granddaughter and admits they are a welcome distraction, but she's not up to caring for someone else right now and has never asked for/or accepted a night in with the under 8's.

What we've done instead is arrange a kind of visiting schedule between everyone, so she doesn't have too much time alone to wallow.

We're about 3 months in now and she has started going out socially again, not as much as she did before my grandad's passing, she is still wary about meeting people who don't know and having to explain, but she is getting back to her old self slowly.

Ime, the best thing you could do for MIL would be to spend time with her yourself. It's adult companionship she is missing not a baby.

Maybe offer to go round and have dinner with MIL and DH and baby once they arrive once a week. That would be more appreciated than using her as unpaid childcare because her son is assuming she has nothing better to do.

Being afraid of your husband's temper is the root of all this.

When does he get angry? Does he blame you for "making him" be angry?

Hope you're ok OP

OP?