To not want MIL to have my baby two days a week?

[Writteninscars]

I'm just over four months pregnant and we've been to hell and back to have this baby. I was at the point of giving up and moving on when joyously we discovered I was pregnant.

Unfortunately FIL died recently and obviously MIL and dh and his siblings are very very upset. Dh is worried that MIL will be lonely without FIL, which I'm sure she will particularly at first. She is very healthy with lots of friends and a huge family so she is in a more fortunate position than some people, if fortunate is the correct word.

Dh has three siblings and we all live pretty near to MIL. Since FIL has died dh seems to have taken it on himself to be responsible for MIL. She has 7 grandchildren already but is understandably excited about this latest addition.
Dh would like her to have the baby two days a week once it is born. I'm not planning on going back to work for a year - if I go back at all - so it's not a childcare issue. It's to give mil something to do. Dh actually said it would be better if I don't feed the baby myself as then MIL can have it sooner.

I'm really not confrontational and find it difficult to say what I want at the best of times but especially hard at the moment as dh and his family are grieving their father and husband. However I've waited a bloody long time for this baby, she's had four of her own, and I don't think we are responsible for her happiness. I don't mind taking the baby over but I don't wish to just give it up two days a week once it's here.

Aibu? I don't think I am but dh shuts me down by going on about how unhappy his mother is.

I hope this isn't one of these threads where the OP just keeps talking about it all but doesn't do anything about it.

OP you have to do something about it, and I totally agree about getting your mum to help.

If you can't face confrontation, but your mum is livid on your behalf-can you get her to speak to him? Tell him that you must have got the wrong end of the stick and be hormonal or something but you've got this crazy idea he wants MIL to have the baby as a hobby. Then see what he says.

It does sound like you must have a conversation though. It might go like this...

'YOU: I'm not happy about this. It's my long-awaited baby and I'm not handing it over to your mum as a hobby, she needs hobbies of her own and will be BF for months anyway'

'DH:Oh, shite-I had no idea you felt like this; why didn't you say?! You're right, of course...'

OP, you sound a bit like you feel helpless but this IS your choice. And your baby NEEDS you to put your foot down. Baby will only just have entered the world, you're her (or his) security. She doesn't even know she's not part of you - you are beyond doubt the most important thing ever to her.
She needs to be with you.

Your DH can't just take her and place her with his mum 2 days a week. He can't physically rip her from your arms and take her, he can't stop you taking her back. He needs you to agree to this - so just tell him, it isn't happening, you are not discussing it again. Lather, rinse, repeat.

IT's great that your mum knows and it's great that she's furious. Use that if you need to because you need to protect yourself and your tiny future person.

He's being bonkers and unreasonable

I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and say he's clouded by grief

OP, I am concerned that you think it might happen.

You absolutely can and have to (assuming you want to) stop it happening!

Tell him now that it's no. Absolute no!

Your baby is a treasure. I am going back to work tomorrow after a year of mat leave and it's been everything from awful to wonderful but I would not have wanted to be apart from my baby for 2 out of every 7 days!

This is your time to be a parent. And his too.

He's being ridiculous.

If it's not just the grief talking, I would be absolutely furious. I am anyway!

I've told dh I think we shouldn't mention it to mil as the baby isn't even here yet and I've also tried to say that it might be a bit much for her. I thought he might take it better if I phrased it in a way that took her interests into consideration.
I did say I wasn't having this baby just to give it up for a third of my maternity leave. Dh was quite keen for me to be a sahm previously but that has changed now as he's obviously thinking when I go back to work his mother can have the baby even more. I don't know if I want to be a sahm or not yet, I wasn't going to decide just now. However the thought of her having the baby even more makes me inclined to stay at home. My own mum hasn't got any other grandchildren so I expect she'd like to see her too at some point although she has made and will make zero demands.

What absolutely everyone ^^ has said!

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Mil is grieving for her husband. Why would your dh think looking after a baby two days a week is going to fill his place??

If you want to breastfeed tell him that it is completely out of the question for 6 months and you get to choose because you have the breasts and you have the milk.

But then maybe re-visit the idea if mil is indeed keen. Suggest 1 day a week as a compromise? Believe me, you might be extremely grateful for someone to take baby off your hands for a day or two each week. I know I would have been delighted. Sahming with a baby can be extraordinarily boring and restricting.

Actually worried over how controlling your DH is being. Stop saying you don't think it's right for your MIL and start saying it doesn't work for YOU!

This is insane.

Letting your MIL have the baby for one or two hours is one thing - probably quite nice. For two whole days is quite another. And trust me, she won't enjoy having the baby for two full days. Newborns are bloody hard work. Meanwhile you will go mad with worry without your baby around and your baby's stress levels will go through the roof at being separated from its mum.

Also your DH's suggestion that you shouldn't breastfeed your baby so that his mum can look after it is really disturbing.

This is a rare instance of unanimity on MN.

OP you dont have to pussy foot around with reasons and justifications. Just say no and keep saying no in a completly bemused way. He is insane but to be fair he will change his feelings once dd is born.
Please dont even contempleate this any furrher, it is evidently and underastandably upsetting. Trust me there is no way in the world you will agree or be cajoled in to this ridiculous arrangement.

Oh OP, your poor mum. It's her first grandchild and there's the threat of your MIL taking over when she has seven grandchildren already?

If it were my husband spouting this crap I'd be packing my bag and going to stay with my mum.

He is being an utter idiot. Your baby belongs with you until you are ready for her to go to someone else, she's not a toy for someone else to play with.

Dh actually said it would be better if I don't feed the baby myself as then MIL can have it sooner

Whoa :(

OP, I know he's grieving but you're not being clear enough. It doesn't work for you, not her, you.

I was just thinking the same ImperialBlether.

It is disturbing, I agree, that your DH is suggesting not breast feeding to allow his mother to have your baby.

Don't couch things in terms of his mother's convenience OP.

Tell him the truth - that his idea is utterly mad and will not be happening.

Why have you not told him it is totally unreasonable of him to suggest this!?

I find to worrying that you're having to pluck up the courage to say you don't like the sound of this idea to your own husband.

Congratulations on your pregnancy
[shocked] at this post. Grief can make people say and do strange things, hopefully your DH will see sense once your DC arrives and realise that his idea is just crazy.
I have nothing against inlaws having contact including overnight BUT this is a newborn baby he is wanting to basically farm out.
Tell him you will do what's best for your DC, you are not responsible for anyone's happiness but your own family unit.

And I also agree about your poor Mum getting elbowed out by your DHs mad idea.

If he keeps this up you bloody should pack your bags and skedaddle like Imperial posted.

Do you always avoid speaking out to your DH?

So what happens when you give birth and he tells her, because the baby is here now.

It's like a Grimm's fairy tale - he's willing to give up his first born child to his mother to ease her pain, without a thought of a) the immense pain he'll cause his wife, b) the immense distress he'll cause his baby and c) the fact it won't stop his mother grieving for her husband anyway.

I find it worrying that you're having to pluck up the courage to say you don't like the sound of this idea to your own husband

It's a baby. Not a puppy. I had to remind several people of this when DD was first born. Now she's older and has her own stubborn strong will personality, so it's no longer an issue.

That said, people act stupid when they're grieving. Not a free pass to DH, but just something to keep in mind.

I'd say no for now and reserve the right to change your mind once the baby is older. My parents take DD a weekend each month to bond and to give us a break. At 17 months old, trust me, it's a lifesaver far more now than it was when she was a newborn.

I would worry that with every breastfeeding set-back there might be (I had cracked nipples, mastitis etc)-DH would be trying to get you to stop.

He needs to step up and be more supportive of you.