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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want MIL to have my baby two days a week?

201 replies

Writteninscars · 28/08/2015 19:17

I'm just over four months pregnant and we've been to hell and back to have this baby. I was at the point of giving up and moving on when joyously we discovered I was pregnant.

Unfortunately FIL died recently and obviously MIL and dh and his siblings are very very upset. Dh is worried that MIL will be lonely without FIL, which I'm sure she will particularly at first. She is very healthy with lots of friends and a huge family so she is in a more fortunate position than some people, if fortunate is the correct word.

Dh has three siblings and we all live pretty near to MIL. Since FIL has died dh seems to have taken it on himself to be responsible for MIL. She has 7 grandchildren already but is understandably excited about this latest addition.
Dh would like her to have the baby two days a week once it is born. I'm not planning on going back to work for a year - if I go back at all - so it's not a childcare issue. It's to give mil something to do. Dh actually said it would be better if I don't feed the baby myself as then MIL can have it sooner.

I'm really not confrontational and find it difficult to say what I want at the best of times but especially hard at the moment as dh and his family are grieving their father and husband. However I've waited a bloody long time for this baby, she's had four of her own, and I don't think we are responsible for her happiness. I don't mind taking the baby over but I don't wish to just give it up two days a week once it's here.

Aibu? I don't think I am but dh shuts me down by going on about how unhappy his mother is.

OP posts:
WhatTheJeffHasGoneOnHere · 28/08/2015 21:16

I find to worrying that you're having to pluck up the courage to say you don't like the sound of this idea to your own husband

^^ This (is what I meant to put).

Original poster
Writteninscars · 28/08/2015 21:17

I'm finding it hard at the moment because dh is not very rational at the moment and loses his temper quickly. I hoped that maybe if I just delayed him saying something to mil then by the time baby arrives dh will have calmed down a little and see it's ridiculous. If not then I suppose I will have to confront it head on...although it's kind of hanging over me at the moment and is spoiling the pregnancy.

OP posts:
Inertia · 28/08/2015 21:21

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

There is no need to phrase anything nicely here - you need to be absolutely firm that you will not allow this to happen.

Your baby will need you to be able to stand up for his or her best interests, not fold under pressure like this. You're not rentawomb.

Redglitter · 28/08/2015 21:21

If your fil has recently died things will be very raw just now. In five months once the baby is here things will probably be very different. Your mil will be starting to do things again herself. She has other grandchildren too who I expect will help.

If you can I'd try and placate your husband for now and hope that by the time the baby is here it'll be a non issue.

His mother might be horrified at the idea of course

Louise43210 · 28/08/2015 21:23

What your husband is proposing is not only cruel to you but cruel to the baby. It will just wonder where on earth his / her lovely mum has gone. Your husband may even realise what an awful thing he has suggested once s/he is born. The fact that he doesn't realise actually shows that your husband hasn't emotionally connected with your baby yet. I know this sounds a daft thing to say but men can and do connect with their baby even before it is born. However your husband's grief has got in the way sadly. He needs to learn that you are now a family and feel protective of his baby, ready to bond with it.

hackmum · 28/08/2015 21:23

OP, is anything else going on? You said it was hard to conceive and you were both overjoyed at finding you were pregnant. Most people in that situation become very precious about their baby (hence PFB) and the last thing they want to do is hand it over to someone else to look after. Is your DH at all ambivalent about your pregnancy?

queenofthishouse · 28/08/2015 21:24
Shock

What planet is your Dh on?? Tell him to fuck off!

You don't hand that baby over to no one you don't want to regardless what your Dh days.

Gob smacked that your Dh is that immature he is willing to give up his own child for two days so his mummy won't get sad.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers! Tell him to move back home for two days a week if he is so concerned Hmm

Original poster
Writteninscars · 28/08/2015 21:25

No he was as thrilled as me.
He has always been very mindful of what his mum wants and keeping her happy even before this. He thinks it will give her something happy to focus on.

OP posts:
rollonthesummer · 28/08/2015 21:25

What your husband is proposing is not only cruel to you but cruel to the baby. It will just wonder where on earth his / her lovely mum has gone.

I'm not sure that's true! I left my first baby at 16 weeks to go back to work; I certainly hope that's not what he was thinking!

ImperialBlether · 28/08/2015 21:26

I think if he says something now to your MIL, promising her the baby like that, you should immediately pack a bag and go to your mum's. He will have to tell his mother why you have gone and she will be forced to acknowledge he's in the wrong. Don't go back home until he apologises and tells his mum it's not going to happen.

What was your relationship like before this? Do you normally feel like you're walking on eggshells around him?

Original poster
Writteninscars · 28/08/2015 21:26

I did consider telling him to piss off back home to his mother but decided that wouldn't be helpful given the circumstances. I have thought it though. Frequently.

OP posts:
OTheHugeManatee · 28/08/2015 21:26

Jesus wept. Your baby is not a doll Shock

What absolutely everyone else said. Your DH is being bonkers Confused

MrsHenryCrawford · 28/08/2015 21:26

This is bizarre. Is your Dh normally like this?

ImperialBlether · 28/08/2015 21:27

But did you leave your baby for 36 hours at a time, rollonthesummer?

Sodder · 28/08/2015 21:27

loses his temper quickly.

I don't like the sound of this. Has he always behaved this badly OP because it sounds as if you're on a slippery slope here. Hope I'm wrong.

maddening · 28/08/2015 21:27

Perhaps she can have her own son 2 days a week if Dh is so keen.

IthoughtATMwasacashpoint · 28/08/2015 21:28

May I ask if you think this is all your DH's idea, or do you think it's come from MIL? The breastfeeding comment seems an odd one for him to think of without being primed beforehand.

I agree with everyone else, say no, repeat as necessary. No need to argue about it. Just tell him the once that it's not his decision to make, that it won't be happening and you won't be discussing it again

queenofthishouse · 28/08/2015 21:28

Tbh I had kind of similar when mil assumed she would be present at the birth of dd Grin it hung over me like a black cloud all through the pregnancy because even when I built up the courage to say no, she said she was coming any way. Thankfully DP found his balls and told her to jog on.

HackerFucker22 · 28/08/2015 21:28

Honest answer please OP.

Has DH only been irrational and short tempered since he lost his father ?

rollonthesummer · 28/08/2015 21:28

I think if he says something now to your MIL, promising her the baby like that, you should immediately pack a bag and go to your mum's. He will have to tell his mother why you have gone and she will be forced to acknowledge he's in the wrong. Don't go back home until he apologises and tells his mum it's not going to happen.

I agree actually.

OP-you can't not talk to him about this because he might lose his temper! Presumably he doesn't lose it everytime someone at work talks to him??

PunkrockerGirl · 28/08/2015 21:30

How does the loss of temper manifest itself? He should be looking after you and supporting you first and foremost. Can his siblings not take over for a while? Nobody's suggesting no contact or that she isn't involved with the baby (along with your parents) but this is just bonkers and needs to be nipped in the bud.

queenofthishouse · 28/08/2015 21:31

I agree the not being able to talk to him because he loses his temper is not on.

What has your mum said?

WhatTheJeffHasGoneOnHere · 28/08/2015 21:31

He has always been very mindful of what his mum wants and keeping her happy even before this. He thinks it will give her something happy to focus on

So her happiness goes before you and your baby?

Have you always trodden on eggshells around him? Does he lose his temper normally?

selsigfach · 28/08/2015 21:31

Tell your midwife, she'll soon put him right. I'm concerned that you're pregnant and living in fear of your husband. No amount of grief can justify his behaviour.

rollonthesummer · 28/08/2015 21:33

But did you leave your baby for 36 hours at a time, rollonthesummer?

I didn't. I was out of the house from 7am-6pm for two days a week. My colleague, however,-who had a baby at the same time as me- left her daughter (from 5 months) with grandparents in a different county from 7am one morning until 7pm the next day though so she could work.

It happens for childcare reasons sometimes-I just don't think saying it's cruel on the baby is helpful.

I think the OP's husband and MIL are being totally unreasonable-but not because it's cruel on the baby.