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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want MIL to have my baby two days a week?

201 replies

Writteninscars · 28/08/2015 19:17

I'm just over four months pregnant and we've been to hell and back to have this baby. I was at the point of giving up and moving on when joyously we discovered I was pregnant.

Unfortunately FIL died recently and obviously MIL and dh and his siblings are very very upset. Dh is worried that MIL will be lonely without FIL, which I'm sure she will particularly at first. She is very healthy with lots of friends and a huge family so she is in a more fortunate position than some people, if fortunate is the correct word.

Dh has three siblings and we all live pretty near to MIL. Since FIL has died dh seems to have taken it on himself to be responsible for MIL. She has 7 grandchildren already but is understandably excited about this latest addition.
Dh would like her to have the baby two days a week once it is born. I'm not planning on going back to work for a year - if I go back at all - so it's not a childcare issue. It's to give mil something to do. Dh actually said it would be better if I don't feed the baby myself as then MIL can have it sooner.

I'm really not confrontational and find it difficult to say what I want at the best of times but especially hard at the moment as dh and his family are grieving their father and husband. However I've waited a bloody long time for this baby, she's had four of her own, and I don't think we are responsible for her happiness. I don't mind taking the baby over but I don't wish to just give it up two days a week once it's here.

Aibu? I don't think I am but dh shuts me down by going on about how unhappy his mother is.

OP posts:
BabyGanoush · 28/08/2015 21:39

not cruel, but not ideal either.

and why choose a less than ideal option, if you don't have to?

selsigfach · 28/08/2015 21:40

I think it is cruel, however upsetting that may be to some to read. Babies need a primary care-giver.

waterrat · 28/08/2015 21:41

Absolutely mad. Suggesting you leave your baby for 36 hours with her each week. Insane. Bonkers. Very very strange

Louise43210 · 28/08/2015 21:43

Rollonthesummer I did too, at 16 months, but not for 2 days running and there was also a gradual getting to know my children's various carers - not straight in from new born during early bonding. One of my babies did have to stay with my mil overnight and for over 48 hours in the early days (I was hospitalised in an emergency). My mil admitted after that my son was very distressed and unsettled. Work and illness do both cause babies to have time away from parents but both of these things are understandable reasons for separation. And babies eventually get used to it. But it would be cruel to separate a mum and baby for no good reason, if neither wanted / needed it.

HamaTime · 28/08/2015 21:45

Sounds bonkers. My mother is widowed but if I suggested that she look after a baby for 2 hours a week, let alone 2 days she would kick my arse from bollocks to sundown.

EponasWildDaughter · 28/08/2015 21:46

I know he has recently lost his father, but he shouldn't be loosing his temper with his pregnant wife to the point that she can't discuss their baby.

OP - go carefully. If you feel you need some space go to your mums for a bit maybe? It might bring DH to his senses.

You're pregnant. You and the baby are the most important ones here. You cant live in fear and tread on eggshells for the next 5 months.

Icimoi · 28/08/2015 21:46

I suspect that he will think very differently once the baby is here. By then your MiL may need less support, and (I hope) he will realise that it's in no-one's interests for the baby to be with someone else for two days a week, let alone overnight. But I agree he needs to be prevented from telling MiL that it's definitely going to happen.

I'm Shock if he seriously wants her to have the baby overnight. If I'd raised four children and, twenty years later, one of them suggested it would be treat for me to deal with night feeds again, I'd (a) wonder where I'd gone so badly wrong with his upbringing and (b) tell him not to be so bloody stupid.

ImperialBlether · 28/08/2015 21:50

You mean you'd give his head a wobble, Icimoi? Grin

Chelsielouise · 28/08/2015 22:05

Sorry Op but sounds to me your OH may also be getting crafty with the overnight thinking of his sleep...(sorry if this isn't the case don't want to offend)
Congratulations btw hun xx

BrideOfWankenstein · 28/08/2015 22:11

Don't abusers usually start showing their true colours during pregnancy of their partners? And if OP can't talk to her OH, it might be exactly that. Grief and anger at partner who's not agreeing with him can change a man.
I hope I'm wrong and he won't become emotionally/physically abusive twat.

ollieplimsoles · 28/08/2015 22:15

Not even rtft...

This is absolutely ridiculous, I even more angry for you because I'm 7 weeks from giving birth to our pfb and if my dh was trying to do this I would kill him and mil

You are the mother for Christ's sake, your baby is not someone else's 'hobby' its very sad about your fil but your dh is being an idiot.

Actually suggesting you don't bf so mil can have the baby sooner?; never heard anything like it in my life! Its like they can't wait to wrench the baby from your arms!

My mil tried this, wanted to take the baby various places, made me feel like a baby carrying vessel rather than the mother, we stopped it immediately.

Dont let anyone look after your baby if you are not comfortable.

chairmeoh · 28/08/2015 22:16

What does he propose that you do during the 2 days your baby is entertaining his/her grandmother? Twiddle your thumbs while waiting for your baby to come home? Keep his home spick and span? Get a 2 day a week job?

ImperialBlether · 28/08/2015 22:24

He proposes that she sits there depressed so that his mum doesn't have to sit there depressed. Even though it sounds as if his mum wouldn't be anyway by then.

VillageFete · 28/08/2015 22:35

This is something my DP would do, particularly as my MIL doesn't have many friends nor hobbies. Difference being I would put him firmly in his place.

I understand that right now it might not be the best time to get into any kind of argument with your DH, if the grief is still raw, so maybe it would be better to say something along the lines of "That's too much, your Mum will be involved with her Grandchild and they will spend time together but i'm not committing to set times/days, let's see how things go when baby is here"

I would say, OP, that it's great to have a willing Grandparent on board to help out if you want to do some shopping alone, get your hair done etc, particularly when they are horrible toddlers Grin So do ensure your Mum and MIL are involved enough to do the odd bit of babysitting - AT YOUR REQUEST!

You are so not being unreasonable, and I think it's awful that you should have this worry over you whilst you are carrying a much longed for baby.

Jux · 28/08/2015 23:22

"our baby is not your mother's distraction."
"Ishall be deeply unhappy at being separated from my baby two days a week"
"When is our baby supposed to see her/his other grandmother? A different two days a week? So, when am I supposed to see my baby?"

His idea is ridiculous, but I think you're going to have to be tough on this. Stop it now, before it gets worse.

Ohfourfoxache · 28/08/2015 23:33

Holy fuck Shock

I'm utterly speechless Shock

SugarOnTop · 29/08/2015 00:04

Sounds more like the husband doesn't want a baby cramping his style and freedom and is using mil as a convenient excuse so he can opt out of it as much as possible......and expecting op to go back to work (as opposed to discussing the best option for their family) sounds like he doesn't want his wife 'spending all his money'.

i hope it isn't true but that's how i see it.

LittleBearPad · 29/08/2015 00:23

Say 'No' and keep repeating it to him. It's a ridiculous idea. Your child isn't a puppy or kitten to be dropped off with whoever needs a cuddle that day. Don't pussy foot around him. Say no.

rumbleinthrjungle · 29/08/2015 02:48

No. Just no.

Be wary of letting this roll OP, five months being stressed with this hanging over you is not good for you or the baby, and secondly he is very likely to be intending to promise MIL this now as the something happy for her to look forward to through the coming difficult months, and once she's been set up to believe it will happen (if she doesnt tell him no way, she's done her parenting thank you) it will be even harder to say no.

You're four months along. He needs to be thinking about healthy partner and baby, not setting you up for Pnd, or messing with your child's attachment. Young babies don't even usually go on overnights and 36 hour visits with a non resident parent never mind a grandparent. Plus until the baby's here how on earth can he predict what the baby may need and whether living with gran 2 days a week would be even feasible. Again very hard to then backtrack if for five months she's been waiting for go to move in 2 days a week - this is almost in the realms of co parenting with his mother, not GP babysitting. How long will he envisage this going on? Until the child's 18? How does he think it may affect his child, using them to meet someone's emotional needs? A bit of a burden to be born to!

This is going to need nipping in the bud, it's a ridiculous idea.

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 29/08/2015 03:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Charis1 · 29/08/2015 03:37

Show your DH this thread

Atenco · 29/08/2015 04:28

Even separated fathers don't get to keep their children overnight until they are weaned.

Dear OP, first of all congratulations on the baby. But secondly I don't think you should put off this conversation until after the baby is born, as it is not something you can have hanging over the remaining five months of your pregnancy. When my dd was born and she was taken away to be cleaned and suchlike I really missed her and I'd only had her in my arms once. Then when we got home from hospital it was hard to see her grandparents and aunts holding her. I knew I had to accept it, but I just wanted her to myself. These are very primative instincts and your right to breastfeed and nurture your own child are that, your right.

sleeponeday · 29/08/2015 04:58

Your DH is exceedingly lucky. I'd have had a fit if anyone had suggested I went back to work, the better to allow an overbearing MIL to monopolise my child. I'd probably have thrown a copy of The Handmaid's Tale at him and asked if he was renaming me Offred.

Dh actually said it would be better if I don't feed the baby myself as then MIL can have it sooner.

Is he aware that you are not carrying a dolly? That the baby has interests and needs that should come before anyone else's, when tiny? It's very sad that his father has died, and I too am sad for his mother, but trying to westle your newborn out of your arms to hand to her as compensation for her loss is just crazy, as well as shockingly disrespectful and selfish towards you... and the baby.

He is treating you like a walking incubator and the baby as an afterthought when compared to his mummy's wishes. This is hideous. I agree: show him this thread. And in all honesty what he is doing would make me feel so vulnerable I'm afraid I would have shown him the door. This is staggeringly insensitive and quite chillingly lacking in empathy.

petalsandstars · 29/08/2015 07:00

I think you should be very wary - if you don't put your foot down over this now you will get walked all over by whatever MIL tells him to do as he doesn't want to upset her.

I had to make it a bigger deal for him to upset me than for my DH to upset his mum. and I'm really easy going to stop my life becoming a run by MIL show

Mehitabel6 · 29/08/2015 07:15

Just say no!
There are other ways to help MIL that would be much better e.g. See her with the baby and go out together.
I wouldn't worry - I doubt MIL knows the plan!
I expect that she already knows she has a fairly bonkers son!