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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want MIL to have my baby two days a week?

201 replies

Writteninscars · 28/08/2015 19:17

I'm just over four months pregnant and we've been to hell and back to have this baby. I was at the point of giving up and moving on when joyously we discovered I was pregnant.

Unfortunately FIL died recently and obviously MIL and dh and his siblings are very very upset. Dh is worried that MIL will be lonely without FIL, which I'm sure she will particularly at first. She is very healthy with lots of friends and a huge family so she is in a more fortunate position than some people, if fortunate is the correct word.

Dh has three siblings and we all live pretty near to MIL. Since FIL has died dh seems to have taken it on himself to be responsible for MIL. She has 7 grandchildren already but is understandably excited about this latest addition.
Dh would like her to have the baby two days a week once it is born. I'm not planning on going back to work for a year - if I go back at all - so it's not a childcare issue. It's to give mil something to do. Dh actually said it would be better if I don't feed the baby myself as then MIL can have it sooner.

I'm really not confrontational and find it difficult to say what I want at the best of times but especially hard at the moment as dh and his family are grieving their father and husband. However I've waited a bloody long time for this baby, she's had four of her own, and I don't think we are responsible for her happiness. I don't mind taking the baby over but I don't wish to just give it up two days a week once it's here.

Aibu? I don't think I am but dh shuts me down by going on about how unhappy his mother is.

OP posts:
EponasWildDaughter · 28/08/2015 19:36

Seriously Op you do not have to justify yourself here! We're all with you Flowers

What will you do/say to DH now?

Have you anyone who can help back you up a bit with this? A sister, aunt, friend?

DurhamDurham · 28/08/2015 19:37

I think you need to repeatedly say NO now so that by the time your baby arrives there can be absolutely no doubt that it is not going to happen.

Your baby isn't a hobby item to be passed around to sad people to cheer them up....tell your husband to buy his mother an ipad.

It's great when grandparents are involved with their grandchildren but not at the expense of the parents.

MarshaBrady · 28/08/2015 19:38

Ridiculous! Whatever you do don't change how you want to feed your baby.

Stand firm on not doing this now rather than waiting until your baby is born.

ImperialBlether · 28/08/2015 19:40

It's just ridiculous. How can he not see how daft he's being? He's patronising to her, too - he's just come up with this idea off the top of his head without any consultation at all.

Remind him his MIL has SEVEN other grandchildren and four children. You've waited so long for this baby; you must feel like he/she's being ripped out of your arms. Time to go ballistic, I think.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 28/08/2015 19:41

Tell him it's not happening.

There's no negotiation, it's a long way off and ..... no, you're not handing your baby over to gran.

ImperialBlether · 28/08/2015 19:45

I would be in tears throughout the whole pregnancy if this happened to me.

FoxesSitOnBoxes · 28/08/2015 19:49

You need to get in early with saying no to this and nip the whole crazy idea in the bud. No need for confrontation at this stage- just "no, I'm going to try breastfeeding and I don't want to commit to doing anything like that" perfectly easy.

yorkshapudding · 28/08/2015 19:49

What I don't get is why he's trying to make a very specific, formalised arrangementarrangement out of this instead of just saying "it would be nice if MIL got to spend some time with the baby regularly". Why 2 days a week, every week? Is he quite controlling in other ways OP?

yorkshapudding · 28/08/2015 19:50

Whoa, my phone went crazy there. Meant "arrangement" obvs.

FoxesSitOnBoxes · 28/08/2015 19:50

Sorry, by easy I meant just say it matter of factly. It doesn't have to be a big deal.

Loki17 · 28/08/2015 19:52

Tell him no. Just no. This is your baby. It might be lovely to have mil visit, or visit her, but you will not want anyone taking your newborn away for two days. If all else fails, show him this thread.

JustSeven · 28/08/2015 19:53

Your DH is being completely unreasonable, but you already know that. It's very sad that she's grieving but it isn't your problem. If he feels that she would genuinely benefit from having something to care for to cheer her up how about suggesting she get a rescue cat?

Icyalittle · 28/08/2015 19:54

No, no, no. YANBU. I am a gran and I adore my one and only DGS whom I look after on a regular but not frequent basis but there is no way I would have muscled in on my DD's maternity leave time with him. Icimoi has a great approach, just practise saying it out loud a few times before you say it to your DH. You don't have to be confrontational to be assertive, and this is too important to your own future and your baby's (huge congratulations, btw) for you to meekly give in to something that will make you unhappy. (Hey, maybe your employer might be able to provide an assertiveness course for you, ACAS has some very reasonable ones).

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 28/08/2015 19:55

this does sound like the mad idea of someone who hasn't had their child yet and doesn't realise that a parent wants to spend lots of time with their baby. Hopefully your MIL is a normal person with normal expectations, and would be horrified that your dh was putting this pressure on you in her name.

you need to be really honest. Say, "dh, I know you're really worried about MIL and you're trying to think of ways to make her happy, but we're about to be parents, I'm about to be a mum. It feels like you're trying to give my baby away. It feels like you're making decisions for our baby that are not about what is best for me or the health of our baby, but just to make MIL happy. MIL would hate to think that you were putting her before your own baby's needs. This isn't right for any of us. MIL will be a brilliant grandparent to our baby and I want her included in our lives, but you're making me scared that you want her too involved, and I don't want to feel like I need to push her away, especially when she wouldn't want this and it's not her fault. There will be no fixed arrangement with MIL caring for our baby. We can't predict what we will need and when. of course she will babysit when we're ready, but I can't guess when that will be until the time is right."

Andrewofgg · 28/08/2015 19:56
Flowers

DH is wrong but well-intentioned wrong. Of course it's a No but let MIL see plenty of your baby if you possibly can.

And who knows, toward the end of your maternity leave you might welcome her help and a few hours off so keep the lines of communication open!

NoArmaniNoPunani · 28/08/2015 19:58

Your DH is being completely unreasonable.

purplepandas · 28/08/2015 19:58

Gosh, I am shocked at your DH. Totally agree with the others, you need to say no firmly no to your DH.

Fluffy24 · 28/08/2015 19:59

YANBU!!

Am also Shock at the BF thing, stand your ground, be firm - this is YOUR time with your baby, you shouldn't have to share!

RabbitSaysWoof · 28/08/2015 20:02

I would be upset by this in pregnancy I didn't even like the constant advice and baby talk, I actually felt threatened by the normal interference this would push me over the edge. YA so much NBU, the sooner you block the idea the better so no one can get their hopes up.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 28/08/2015 20:10

OMG, I would never have agreed to this! In fact, just the thought of it could bring me out in hives. When mine were newborns I bf and had them with me the whole time.

Original poster
Writteninscars · 28/08/2015 20:13

I don't know why dh has said two days so precisely. I think he's on about her having the baby for two days with the overnight stay in between so maybe that's why?

I feel bad for MIL and understand she is grieving however she is fairly overbearing at the best of times and she would absolutely be likely to go ahead and do what she wanted regarding the baby despite what I requested because she'd think she knows best. Not out of malice but that's what she's like. She has shown this many times over the years and before FIL died she was full of advice and what she would do with the baby when it arrived (I'll take it to such and such, advised me not to have a c section as she doesn't hold with them even though I've been told I will likely need a c section due to a complication with this pregnancy so I find it difficult to think I'm going to lose the baby to her two days a week.

OP posts:
rollonthesummer · 28/08/2015 20:15

Overnight stay!?-what!!!

All the overbearing talk reminds me of that Philippa Gregory book-'The Little House'! Your DH needs to put his foot down with her NOW!

JenniferYellowHat1980 · 28/08/2015 20:15

No, he's mad. Those two days a week would add up to two or three months out of your precious maternity leave. No way. You could never have that time back.

WhatTheJeffHasGoneOnHere · 28/08/2015 20:17

Oh my goodness OP you need to nip this in the bud, now.

If you don't this will continue and you'll regret that you hadn't. Your DH is being so unreasonable. He does not get to decide how your baby feeds or if it goes to your mil! You are not some vessel used for harvesting a baby, and your baby is not a hobby. You are its mother and it will want and need you.

Say no, and quickly. Shock

WhatTheJeffHasGoneOnHere · 28/08/2015 20:18

so I find it difficult to think I'm going to lose the baby to her two days a week

Um...you're not?

OP, grief or no grief you have to do something about this. You do know that?

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