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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want MIL to have my baby two days a week?

201 replies

Writteninscars · 28/08/2015 19:17

I'm just over four months pregnant and we've been to hell and back to have this baby. I was at the point of giving up and moving on when joyously we discovered I was pregnant.

Unfortunately FIL died recently and obviously MIL and dh and his siblings are very very upset. Dh is worried that MIL will be lonely without FIL, which I'm sure she will particularly at first. She is very healthy with lots of friends and a huge family so she is in a more fortunate position than some people, if fortunate is the correct word.

Dh has three siblings and we all live pretty near to MIL. Since FIL has died dh seems to have taken it on himself to be responsible for MIL. She has 7 grandchildren already but is understandably excited about this latest addition.
Dh would like her to have the baby two days a week once it is born. I'm not planning on going back to work for a year - if I go back at all - so it's not a childcare issue. It's to give mil something to do. Dh actually said it would be better if I don't feed the baby myself as then MIL can have it sooner.

I'm really not confrontational and find it difficult to say what I want at the best of times but especially hard at the moment as dh and his family are grieving their father and husband. However I've waited a bloody long time for this baby, she's had four of her own, and I don't think we are responsible for her happiness. I don't mind taking the baby over but I don't wish to just give it up two days a week once it's here.

Aibu? I don't think I am but dh shuts me down by going on about how unhappy his mother is.

OP posts:
trulyscrumptious33 · 29/08/2015 07:47

Your baby will need you, and what a ridiculous idea to avoid breastfeeding just so that your MIL can look after your baby two days a week. DH doesn't seem to have your baby's best interests at heart. So you must remain firm and do what's right for your LO.

WhatTheJeffHasGoneOnHere · 29/08/2015 07:55

Don't leave it until the baby is born.

Talk to your midwife, you need the support.

Mehitabel6 · 29/08/2015 07:57

I would talk to MIL - she will probably be as horrified as you!

PegsPigs · 29/08/2015 08:09

My MIL has never had my DD1 on her own overnight and she's 2.5. The thought of giving her up for 2 days and an overnighter every week even at this age would shock me. And to not breastfeed so someone else can look after your baby when you don't have to do it? (totally understand people who have to go back to work). That's crazy talk. Your DH and MiL need to address their grief without the use of your baby.

WhatTheJeffHasGoneOnHere · 29/08/2015 08:13

My DS has just had his first overnight stay at his Gran's house. He's 3.

Fidelia · 29/08/2015 08:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Icimoi · 29/08/2015 08:35

You need to point out that babies aren't predictable. He's picturing a nice easy baby that MiL will enjoy looking after. I'm obviously not wishing any problems on you, but the baby might just be a poor sleeper, or colicky or lactose intolerant or something like that, in which case MiL wouldn't thank him anyway.

HeighHoghItsBacktoWorkIGo · 29/08/2015 08:44

Haven't read the whole thread, OP.

Just outrageous! To not breastfeed your baby, if you are able and willing, to give an old woman something to do! Shock

I'd be hysterical.

Problem is, babies are hardwork and it might be nice to have a free morning or afternoon once or twice a week. I would have liked it. And dc can benefit from close relationships with grandparents, but the way the whole thing is being approached would have me suspicious and uncomfortable. Your husband needs to get a grip and think about where his priorities lie. It sounds like your husband's mental state is the main worry.

Rebecca2014 · 29/08/2015 09:08

I would have loved to have free day or two when my daughter was born. It always seems to be the clingy mothers who have relatives who are happy/eager to help out. So unfair :(

Icimoi · 29/08/2015 09:12

to give an old woman something to do!

You might want to rethink that phraseology, Heighho

pluck · 29/08/2015 09:57

I would have loved to have free day or two when my daughter was born. It always seems to be the clingy mothers who have relatives who are happy/eager to help out. So unfair sad

Rebecca2014, I'm sure the people who enjoy the break don't complain about it, so we don't hear of them. Perhaps the other mothers who are "clingy" are that way because they're unnerved about the level of demands?

However, just because other people are rejecting "help", it doesn't mean you are wrong, either. It is sad for you that you're not getting a break you really want, even though I guess you've said so to relatives?

ShowMeTheWonder · 29/08/2015 10:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lavenderhoney · 29/08/2015 10:25

have you spoken to your mil? Did she and your dh decide this without you?

Tell your midwife and get her onside. And being scared to tell your dh its not happening is awful. Is he going to wreste the baby from you?

Personally I'd pack and push off to my mums, if I were you. She has loads of GC, I'm sure that would keep her occupied and busy, not a newborn! It's his baby too, why does he want to not see him/ her for 48 hours? Every week!!

She sounds like my ex mil tbh, unless she knows nothing about it all and would tell your dh to stop this madness. If she does know, you're going to have to stop worrying about hurting their feelings because they don't mind upsetting yours.

mummytime · 29/08/2015 10:48

I back up the comment earlier: Talk to your midwife about this, all midwives in my experience would have "words" with your DH about this crazy idea.

And maybe someone on MN would have welcomed a break - that is how they felt. Not how anyone else necessarily feels.

Do not let anyone make you feel guilty.

HeighHoghItsBacktoWorkIGo · 29/08/2015 11:03

I am concerned that you feel you cannot discuss this with your DH because he will get angry.

Do you have support and people you can turn to? Is your own family around?

I am worried you are in a vulnerable position with an angry irrational man.

This is all a terrible idea. I hope is own mother will be able to see that herself.

DartmoorDoughnut · 29/08/2015 11:22

YANBU at all, even my DH doesn't think you are being unreasonable! I'm guessing your MIL doesn't know though and your DH hasn't really thought it through. Just tell him it isn't happening, my DS is almost one and has only just started going out to the park with the grandparents, no way in hell would he be staying over night yet!

Sallystyle · 29/08/2015 11:23

Show him this thread.

Speak to your midwife.

Tell him now that this is never going to happen. Don't let it ruin your pregnancy by sitting on it. Tell him now. Don't argue with him or plead your case, tell him it just isn't happening.

You do not not breastfeed a baby and give it away for two days a week so someone grieving has something to do. If you don't want to bf or have to work or even need a break then that is totally different, but you do not hand a newborn over two days a week just to make a relative happy.

He is being utterly unreasonable and if he continued to think this was a good idea it would be him I would be sending to his mums.

Sallystyle · 29/08/2015 11:23

Can you share more about his temper op?

WhatTheJeffHasGoneOnHere · 29/08/2015 11:42

And when the baby is born after you've been discharged from the midwives get the health visitors on board too.

I just can't believe that DH isn't thinking of you at all. You're his wife and the baby's mother, and yet you feature nowhere in his considerations. You're an incubator for the future hobby of mil.

Does he always get angry if you try and stand up for yourself?

Leaving it until the baby is born is a bad idea as you're essentially allowing him to continue thinking this is going to happen. And it could get worse, how far will it go? Allowing her into the delivery room? First cuddle? Choosing the name?

You don't need to be rude, you don't need to shout. But you need to be firm and stop this now, for you and your baby's sake.

WhatTheJeffHasGoneOnHere · 29/08/2015 11:43

And even if you formula feed, it doesn't matter.

DontWorrryBaldrickHasACunningP · 29/08/2015 11:56

This is insane!

You need to draw the line in the sand NOW not when the baby is here, sit him down and tell him;

  1. The baby will be at home with with you for as long as you wish.
  2. The baby will not be going for overnight stays until you and baby are both ready.
  3. You will feed the baby as you wish.
  4. If he doesn't like this he knows where the front door is.

A lot of abuse starts in pregnancy, personally I see red flags in your posts. Yes your DH and MIL are grieving but his idea about your babies care and complete disregard for you, the mother of the baby are actually quite scary.

Make your stand now, after the baby is born you will be venerable, tired and emotional. You need a partner who is going to support you, protect you, and put you first. Not one who is counting down the days until he can had your precious baby over to his mother.

bessarabiantiger · 29/08/2015 12:19

I have nothing particularly to add to the advice already given. Other than Holy Shitballs that is insane.

But if both you and your Mum are non-confrontational people, do you have a fairly robust friend locally who can just happen to be there when you bring this up? Or might that make it worse?

choc4ddict · 29/08/2015 12:19

hope you are OK, OP.

agree with PPs, you need to raise it now rather than later.

how is your relationship otherwise? the total disregard for you in this situation does not sound healthy. I know your DH and Mil are grieving but it is no justification nor explanation for it.

coconutpie · 29/08/2015 15:05

Oh my goodness OP ... I am actually gobsmacked that your husband suggested this. WTF. He is WAY out of order. I am actually really upset for you thinking about what he suggested - that he take away a newborn baby from their mother and hand them over to his mother for 2 days plus 1 overnight and also demand that you don't breastfeed so that his mother can have your baby even sooner. What the actual fuck?

I actually think that if he does not back down, you need to pack his bags. Yes it may be his baby too but YOU are the mother, this is your baby that you are growing in your body. He does not get to make decisions on who is caring for the baby when you are taking a year of maternity leave. He also does not get to tell you whether to breastfeed or not. He is putting the needs of a tiny innocent baby last. Your baby is not some doll to be passed around.

I am seriously fuming on your behalf. He has got to fucking cop onto himself otherwise I'd be showing him the door. Bloody twat.

Fluffycloudland77 · 29/08/2015 15:22

God no, don't show him the thread. No one likes hearing they are a massive mummy's boy still tied to the apron strings.

How on earth do so many women end up married to men who don't put us first?.

Yanbu. He is an idiot for even contemplating it.