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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want MIL to have my baby two days a week?

201 replies

Writteninscars · 28/08/2015 19:17

I'm just over four months pregnant and we've been to hell and back to have this baby. I was at the point of giving up and moving on when joyously we discovered I was pregnant.

Unfortunately FIL died recently and obviously MIL and dh and his siblings are very very upset. Dh is worried that MIL will be lonely without FIL, which I'm sure she will particularly at first. She is very healthy with lots of friends and a huge family so she is in a more fortunate position than some people, if fortunate is the correct word.

Dh has three siblings and we all live pretty near to MIL. Since FIL has died dh seems to have taken it on himself to be responsible for MIL. She has 7 grandchildren already but is understandably excited about this latest addition.
Dh would like her to have the baby two days a week once it is born. I'm not planning on going back to work for a year - if I go back at all - so it's not a childcare issue. It's to give mil something to do. Dh actually said it would be better if I don't feed the baby myself as then MIL can have it sooner.

I'm really not confrontational and find it difficult to say what I want at the best of times but especially hard at the moment as dh and his family are grieving their father and husband. However I've waited a bloody long time for this baby, she's had four of her own, and I don't think we are responsible for her happiness. I don't mind taking the baby over but I don't wish to just give it up two days a week once it's here.

Aibu? I don't think I am but dh shuts me down by going on about how unhappy his mother is.

OP posts:
Original poster
Writteninscars · 28/08/2015 20:19

I'm glad it isn't me. After a while I started to think 'maybe it's me, maybe I'm being mean'
My own mother is livid. I shouldn't have told her as I knew it would upset her but I rang her crying about it.

OP posts:
Scoobydoo8 · 28/08/2015 20:21

It's quite horrible of DH to worry about DMIL over you and your precious baby, what is he thinking of.

I think DH is assuming things about your DMIL - that she won't get over loss of DFIL, which in some ways she won't but if she has a full life and umpteen grandchildren she will soon be busy and, hopefully, making the most of her life. Is he the eldest and somehow feels he must step into DFIL's shoes (making DMIL happy).

But people do move on. She could even meet someone else - though I wouldn't suggest that to DH Shock

featherandblack · 28/08/2015 20:23

I think he probably isn't thinking about this like a father because he doesn't feel like one yet. This probably seems very cerebral to him, whereas his mother is here and he's confronting her grief frequently. However. You don't look like you're in for a particularly easy time. He to understand that nothing you can do, and no baby, is going to help her through her grief particularly, and it wouldn't be fair to encourage her to come to rely on a baby who belongs to someone else and who will in any case quickly be school age. Far better for her to put a structure in her life that is sustainable for many years - hobbies, clubs, friendships etc. A baby could be tying and restrictive to all that. Being an all-day carer to a child can easily overshadow the special bond between GC and grandparents - she needs to be relaxed and not tired when she's enjoying her role. And you can be present! It's entirely appropriate that you should be. Grandparents don't bond with their grandchildren in a vacuum; it's a bond that takes place in the context of wider family. Essentially saying that they both want you out of the way so she can enjoy your baby in peace is hurtful and divisive - and not good for the child. It goes without saying - or should - that a baby should not be a crutch, or a way of meeting someone else's needs.

Having waited so long for a baby, it's audacious that your DH is now suggesting you forgo a good chunk of time bonding with him so a woman who has already raised four children will have something to do. Just no! Show him this thread! He needs to realise some things are taboo, and this is one of them. At the end of the day, he cannot wrest your child out of your arms so you really do hold all the cards. Don't buckle! He must understand the strength of your feelings for your baby - mother love is a new force that will turn you into a different animal. You won't be so easy to push around in future and he'll have to learn to deal with it. Don't negotiate. Just no. He needs to understand that being a parent means putting the baby first in everything and that often means putting the baby's mum first too because everyone else could drop off the face of the earth as far as a young baby is concerned. In feeding and care decisions, it should be what's best for baby every time. Show him the stats for breastfeeding. Tell him that your presence with your baby is non-negotiable and it's wrong of him to suggest it.

TheCraicDealer · 28/08/2015 20:25

DP is reading this over my shoulder and has said, "He's being fuckin' nuts. Tell him it's not fuckin' happenin' and you're not discussing it again". DP and I have never had so much as a dog never mind a much wanted squishy newborn- if he feels like that about a stranger you're defo not being mean or precious. You may wish to take a more sensitive tact than he suggested, what with the bereavement and all though....

DriverSurpriseMe · 28/08/2015 20:28

This is crazy. He wants to hand over his firstborn child to keep his mum happy and busy. Well, how about a puppy?

Just say no, there's no fucking way you're relinquishing your child to MIL. Simple as that.

WhatTheJeffHasGoneOnHere · 28/08/2015 20:29

OP this is the sort of thing that could easily lead you into PND. Don't underestimate how strongly you'll feel about your newborn not being with you.

ImperialBlether · 28/08/2015 20:29

An overnight stay? Is he CRAZY?

Even if that wasn't the worst idea in the world for you and your baby, doesn't he realise your MIL would find it absolutely exhausting to have the baby from 8 am one day to 5 pm the next day?

Notapinkgirl · 28/08/2015 20:29

Try saying that would be very helpful when I go back to work?

WhatTheJeffHasGoneOnHere · 28/08/2015 20:33

I've just told my DH, he looked horrified.

TheCraicDealer · 28/08/2015 20:35

I think that this is actually an important lesson for your DH to learn. He can't "fix" this. His mum will feel sad, of course she will, she's lost her husband. But plopping a baby with her two days a week isn't going to magically make her feel happy. What's she going to do the other five days of the week? Yes, she needs her family around, but they need to all learn coping mechanisms to deal with their grief 24/7 rather than clinging on to a few days where they're distracted by something else. That only ever works short term (if at all) and this baby is several months away! What the frig is she going to do until then?!

lemoncordial · 28/08/2015 20:35

Put your foot down. This is non negotiable. Your maternity leave should be about you bonding with your baby and meeting the baby's needs as the primary care. You should be having the opportunity to meet other parents and go to baby groups. I've got a 12 month old and I'd be horrified at that suggestion. If you wanted the time away from the baby that would be different. But you don't.

MrsWhirling · 28/08/2015 20:37

Just say no thanks but perhaps encourage babysitting so/when you need time to yourself to go to the gym/hairdressers/shopping etc. dont be pressured, it's your child.

EponasWildDaughter · 28/08/2015 20:40

Ah, you have your mum onside. That's good.

Just nip this in the bud by announcing you're hoping to breast feeding for the first yer at least, and that's that.

I really hope that this nonsense is just DHs grief speaking, and once the baby is here his own protective, possessive parental instinct will kick in and he'll not be suggesting overnight stays any more.

ImperialBlether · 28/08/2015 20:43

The thing is anyway that your MIL's most painful time will be in the next few months and you will still be pregnant anyway. She will be back in a routine of seeing her friends by then and I doubt she'd want to take care of a baby for 36 hours on the run when she could be doing things with her friends.

PunkrockerGirl · 28/08/2015 20:44

I am very anti the pressure put on women to bf and get incredibly angry at those people (usually women) who make mums that choose to ff feel that they are failures who may as well be feeding arsenic to their babies.
However, even I am just Shock at this. If you want to bf your baby then that's absolutely what you should do. I think maybe your dh is grieving and not seeing things clearly either that or he's batshit crazy
You must nip this in the bud, OP. Yes, after a while you may be glad for mil to have the baby for a few hours, but not before you're comfortable with it. And the choice of how your feed your baby is yours, nobody else's.

bloodyteenagers · 28/08/2015 20:44

Fuck that.
Tell him to get her a puppy.
You are not having the baby 3 days a week.
He will be confused.
His mum 2 days.
Your parents 2 days..
not a fucking chance.

Salmotrutta · 28/08/2015 20:44

You really do need to firmly tell your DH that this is not happening. And keep telling him.

Have you already told him no? Please say you have.

And refuse to discuss it.

It's good that your Mum is livid and when you get home from hospital with your new little bundle try and get her to come and visit so that at the first mention of this madness (if it is mentioned again once you put him straight) she can laugh in his face and tell him he is surely joking.

Marynary · 28/08/2015 20:45

It is a mad idea as others have said. Your DH can only think it is a good idea because he hasn't got a clue about looking after babies or what is best for them. Hopefully once your baby is born he will realise that he has been ridiculous particularly for suggesting that you don't breastfeed.

SouthWesterlyWinds · 28/08/2015 20:48

Turn it around on him. So if he gets to dictate to you, you get to dictate to him. Your mother will also have the baby for 2 days (fairs fair) over the weekend so he might if he's lucky get to see his new baby for an hour whilst working full time during the week. And by the way, you'll be staying with your mother with your child and its your fucking choice if you BF or not.

Twat. Sorry sorry! I know grief does silly things but seriously this has got me riled.

rollonthesummer · 28/08/2015 20:48

What have you actually said to your DH? Your OP suggests that you haven't even told him you're unhappy about this? Does he think you're fine about it?

Have you sat him down and told him this is 100% not happening?

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 28/08/2015 20:49

OP you need to stamp on this idea now - before expectations get raised further.

Sit your DH down, or wait till he's sat down, and just explain to him that a newborn baby's place is with it's mum, and that bf'ing is the best thing for you and the baby, and that there is no way this 2 day thing is going happen.

Tell him that MIL will be welcome to see and care for baby in your presence, or for short periods, and maybe babysit when a bit older - but you will wait and see how things pan out.

Please do this - you should not be stressing about this in pregnancy.

DixieNormas · 28/08/2015 20:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lemonfizzypop · 28/08/2015 20:51

Has he discussed this with your or just told you it's going to happen?! It's so weird, I know he's grieving but I honestly don't get how ANYONE could think this was an appropriate idea, does your MiL remember what newborns are like?!
Weirdness overload.

Liara · 28/08/2015 20:51

Er, no.

I'd be telling him that I carried him in my fucking womb, I'm keeping him for as long as I decide I want to, and will decide as and when I am ready to who he will stay with and for how long.

End of.

Your baby is a human being, not a comforter. And you deserve all the support in the world to give bf the best shot you possibly can.

Grief or no grief, he needs to seriously reevaluate his priorities. And you need to learn to be a bit more self assertive, you will be needing it once your baby is here.

DriverSurpriseMe · 28/08/2015 20:52

BF or not BF is a red herring by the way. If you end up formula feeding, does that mean there are no longer any barriers to MIL having the baby? Of course not! The baby stays with you no matter how they are being fed.

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