To have a baby I can't afford

[butteredtoastandjam]

Because if I wait until I can afford it I will never have one but I can't help but wonder if it's right? Has anyone ever done this?

I have inboxed you OP, check your messages.

I think there are many reasons this is going to be a struggle.. I was married when I got pregnant but have raised my Child alone with no family support..It is tough..Would I do it again..

I find the if you can afford it with no financial support from the government harsh.I deally people would get themselves into a situation where largely they can support a child..However this doesn't always happen..

It sounds like emotionally, financially and socially you are not in a good place to have a baby..

I know your biological clock is ticking but I would give yourself at least another couple of years to try and get yourself in a better postition

If I worked in the evening, even seven evenings a week, I'd only have 21 hours which isn't enough. I don't want to go to college anyway. I hated school. I have tried a couple of times to get maths GCSE but can't, so I don't really have any interest in keeping trying as I just don't understand it. I'm not being negative, I love my job now and wouldn't swap it but realistically it doesn't pay loads.

Was that a question? You sound Miserable, in fact you seem to have Prempted every suggestion with a reason why it's no good.

Fwiw I don't think qualifications are the answer particularly if you don't have the inclination or ability; it'll be a waste of everyones time and money and few qualifications lead directly to higher salaries ime. But that doesn't mean you can't improve your career prospects- IE if you're a carer say, what about moving into management?

Or just get on and have the baby

Ok then, based on all your subsequent messages, you're right. You would be unreasonable to have a baby.

I'm not miserable, I've refused that comment loads. The only thing I'm vetoing is going to college as I can't afford to and don't want to which I don't think is unreasonable. I know graduates on minimum wage jobs anyway so I'm not sure obtaining more qualifications is automatically a way to get rich quick!

I agree with you. Forget the qualifications

Well, I'm at a loss op.

Your job is low paid, with no progression but you love it and seem keen to stay there. That's fine but nothing will change here if you don't change it.

You don't want to train for a job with better pay and career progression. You could have done a couple of hours study today between 1pm and 6pm today. I'm sure you can get qualifications outside of maths.

You don't have a support network or a partner and don't envisage either anytime soon. That's not a deal breaker at all but you do need to think about how you will manage.

You don't seem keen on working towards getting a larger property even though you feel your flat is a barrier to having a child. You have 100% equity in your flat, you could use that as a deposit for a two bedroomed place and pay a mortgage if you had a job with better pay.

As pp have said you are not in that bad a position but you can do so much more to help yourself.

And you have a five to seven year countdown running.

I am sure everyone means well with careers and prospects advice but tbh that might be more of a medium term goal rather than an imminent decision. OP needs to act on her broody impulse very soon whereas improving her career prospects might be a 2 - 5 year option.
I know a vet nurse who began her own pet care agency once she had a child. I know an accountant who makes amazing cakes from home, a friend who does hypnotherapy. God, someone founded MN on maternity leave. There are a number of baby service franchise or start yourself options. I have a family member who started mother and baby swim classes.
You can have career options after having a baby. Perhaps you can build on the career you already have. These are all red herrings and don't need to get in the way of you having a baby which you should prioritise now if you want it to happen.

What I don't think you're appreciating there Pollys is that yes today I was free between 1 and 6.

But that won't be true next Saturday. I only find out every Friday what I'm going to be working the next week. You can say you're unavailable at certain times true but ultimately if you want/need the hours it doesn't pay to lack flexibility.

Study doesn't equal good job and good pay. I'm not very good at study anyway (was rubbish at school) and really you do need GCSE maths for most things.

I don't want to sound haughty but the fact is I am working, I'm not in any way shape or form reliant on benefits (and never have been) yet I'm being told off like a naughty child for not wanting to help myself? Why is that?

I think everyone wants to give a child what they didn't have themselves, and I would hate a child to resent me because I couldn't afford to buy/rent somewhere decent for us. Also wouldn't be able to afford holidays or expensive gadgets/toys.

Jobs aren't easy to come by and jobs with decent pay and working conditions more so. I'm not going to walk in one because I studied something spurious once.

Starlight - the advice to avoid relying on the state isn't just moral one that you shouldn't because it's wrong, it's also a practical one - it's unlikely that benefits in place now will still be available at the same levels after another 10 years of this government, and Labour seem to be picking a candidate who's not really going to win in 2020...

OP - another couple of years might be better for you, save, see if you can move to a better paid role (you say you like your job, but realisitically, the thing that's putting you off having a baby, it's the most sensible thing to do). You might not be able to move, there might not be any qualifications that would help you get a better role, but worth making it your project for 2015/16, then 'baby' be your project for 2017...

OP you'd get much better advice if you gave your circumstances in one post at the beginning of the thread. You do appear to have unusual circumstances, and I'm not sure whether you are just venting a bit because of your pregnant friend or genuinely want advice on how to make it possible to have a child.

Clearly you'd need to make some changes in your life if you did have a child, your working patterns (if today is typical) wouldn't fit with childcare at all, and your plan to leave a small baby with teenage babysitters doesn't sound realistic at all.

But then you don't sound very keen on considering any change, so maybe you don't really want to have a baby at all, you just feel sad at the idea of not having a family?

OP "yet I'm being told off like a naughty child for not wanting to help myself?"

I don't think you are being told off. You came on here and asked for an opinion. You've drip fed - which always makes people irritable - but even now I know that you own a home outright, you say it is in a cheap area in the north and you can't move to a cheaper place and get a 2 bed.

so you are back to having an income that isn't low - given no housing costs - but is unpredictable.

therefore you will need regular reliable childcare for unpredictable hours.

You feel you can't improve your earning power, fair enough.

you say you have no support network.

so ultimately - yes, YABU to have a child. And as for "having a baby" - I don't interpret that the way some posters have done i.e. can I afford the baby stage and try to up my income later. I hear it as "can I afford to raise a child till at least 18".

The world is a very different place than it was for our parents. You won't necessarily find a way to earn more. Housing may continue to be stupidly expensive. Your child will need a room for themselves and you will need childcare etc etc

that's just looking at the very basics.

so even post-dripfeed - no, you can't afford to have a child.

Unless you are about to tell us of some secret trust fund you come into at 40....!

Not meaning to drip feed, it's just sometimes difficult to know exactly how much information you should share at first. But people don't need to be "irritable", if the thread makes you irritable then maybe don't post? not trying to sound awful there but I wouldn't post to someone who annoyed me! :)

It's not that I won't consider change, but any changes I do make have to be practical ones I can actually do so saying 'go to college' isn't something I can do or would be useful.

No trust funds at 40! Unfortunately!

on your income youd be eligible for tax credits and help with childcare. if you want a baby, do it.

If you're studying online I would imagine you can fit it around your life, surely that's the point? But that's neither or there as you don't want to do it.

Why can't your career progress at your current place of work? Are there no supervisor or manager posts? Your hours suggest you work in some sort of hospitality industry. Cleaners can progress to Housekeeper, bar staff to bar manager.

You feel that a child would resent you for not providing more (even though I and other posters have said it's unlikely) but you don't want to go and get more, that's why I feel frustrated by you.

If your job is too unpredicatable for studying, it's too unpredicatable for paid-for childcare. You will end up having to pay for childcare you don't need as you might well have to pay to hold a place 'just in case' - I know a few childminders who have spare places so will be flexible with parents on shifts, but if a parents arrives who wants say, every Monday, they will get priority of a parent who only wants a Monday every 3rd week, unless that second parent is prepared to pay for every Monday.

You are in a good position if you are working, but not if that job means you can't get childcare or afford it without benefits that might be scrapped by the government.

If you really are serious about wanting a baby, aspects of your life need to change, and preferably now, when you have time to do it without a baby or pregnant, rather than finding afterwards you can't cope.

People on here are just trying to be helpful.

If nothing 'gives' - then yes, YABU to have a baby now. Sorry OP.

No not in hospitality.

Of course I'd like to go and get more but you can't always do that.

If you work flexible shifts, how are you going to sort out childcare..They majority of childcare is 8-6 ish Monday to Friday...

I don't think anyone is treating you like a naughty child..I think you are been pointed out the realistic changes you need to get to a place where you can have a baby.

Well, starlight, I would hopefully have 8-6 childcare during the week for 3 days. Then have babysitting at the weekend. I agree it's not ideal, but I did say I could swap to a job with more fixed hours if I needed to I'd just prefer not to as I like my job.

How do you feel about not having a child ?

It's perfectly normal to feel hurt or jealous when someone close to you is pregnant but that passes. And women with and without children can feel that way.

By all accounts you've achieved quite a bit, you have a secure home, a job you enjoy, some savings and have a self awareness about your own abilities.

If you were to picture yourself in ten years with a child and without a child, how do you feel about those different lives ?

We all live with the fear that we'll regret the decisions we made in life which is pointless as we can never know how the other choices would have stacked up. It is possible to live a rich, fulfilling life without having a child and it's equally true that some need a child in order to have a rich, fulfilling life. Either way, you'll find a way to make it work.

Thank you.

I worry really regretting not having a child. But then I want one but is it for the right reasons? Wish I had a crystal ball!

The most obvious difficulty with your situation is how you will get childcare. Nurseries will not allow you to chop/change the days you want, nor would most childminders. Some childminders do Saturdays, but they're rare and would no doubt charge a significant premium. Not having set work hours would be a nightmare and very expensive as a single parent.

You're idea that a teenager could care for a baby/ toddler is way off course. If you only get statutory maternity pay, presumably the latest you would go back to work is at 9 months. I would never leave a 9 month old with a neighbour's teenager. You need good quality, professional childcare & that costs.

I think one of the best moves you could make is to get a job where you work the same hours and Mon-Fri. Take a very close look at the childcare in your area.

well, OP, if you could swap to a job with more set hours, the ideal would be to do that now, before getting pregnant, much easier that way round (and you might get more than SMP if you have been with them a while before getting pregnant).

This way you've got time to find a job you'll enjoy as well, rather than being on a deadline because your Mat leave is running out and you need to resign by a set date as can't go back, but can't afford to be a SAHM...

From what information you've given us - your issues preventing you having a DC now are:
a) the amount you earn
b) the size of your property (which if 'a' increases, would be possible to change in the next 10 years, you can fudge it for the first few years with sharing a room with your DC then you putting abed in the living room and your DC having the bedroom).
c) the logistics of childcare with a shift job with short notice hours
d) you are single, so noone to have a DC with.

honestly, take them one by one, you seem to have only looked at solution for D using a donor, but each of the other issues could be worked on if you start looking now.

I don't see any reason why you wouldn't have a baby. The idea that only people who are not 'poor' should have children is ridiculous. You sound sensible, thoughtful, realistic. I'd imagine you'll cope. I wouldn't worry in the slightest re a child resenting you for not having 'things'. Best of luck!!