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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have a baby I can't afford

182 replies

butteredtoastandjam · 22/08/2015 15:09

Because if I wait until I can afford it I will never have one but I can't help but wonder if it's right? Has anyone ever done this?

OP posts:

Stripeysocksarecool · 22/08/2015 16:10

Very selfish to bring a child into the world when you know you can't afford to give that child a decent life. As a previous poster said by all means expect the state to support you and your child but don't then bleat about how hard your life is.

GarminGirl · 22/08/2015 16:12

Ah so you rent? There's no childcare for weekends so not sure what you will do for childcare with no father around and no family support

Sounds less to do with money now to be honest

RepeatAdNauseum · 22/08/2015 16:13

While the moral side of having a child whilst relying on the state is interesting, I'd be more worried about the practicalities if I was the OP - The current plan is to cut the welfare bill as much as possible, and with tax credits dropping and being limited to two children, you may find that the government doesn't offer enough eventually.

I wouldn't want to plan a child based on a contribution from the Government and then find out that it would stop. There would be processes in place if you hit dire straights, but they will be things like food banks and budgeting lessons from Social Services, rather than cash.

Original poster

butteredtoastandjam · 22/08/2015 16:13

I don't rent?

Work is funny shifts - have people I know who could babysit. By that I mean I don't work all weekend, later for instance I will be working 6:30-9.

OP posts:

Original poster

butteredtoastandjam · 22/08/2015 16:13

I wouldn't get any government support I don't think, child benefit probably.

OP posts:

Babyroobs · 22/08/2015 16:14

I think you should also bear in mind that tax credits are being significantly cut from next April s look into the amounts you would receive carefully if you are on a minimum wage job. the amount of help someone in your situation gets now won't be the same after next April . It's possibly not a great time to be thinking of having kids if you are going to be relying heavily on benefits, although minimum wage is going to be rising.

Original poster

butteredtoastandjam · 22/08/2015 16:14

I'm not going to be on benefits, well maternity pay initially I suppose and some child benefit.

OP posts:

ChilliAndMint · 22/08/2015 16:16

There are so many options for you OP.

I've inboxed you

Spartans · 22/08/2015 16:17

Well you say you don't have support, but say you have people willing to babysit? That is support.

But how reliable are they? Will they be happy to do it week in week out? What about if the babysitter is sick or goes on holiday?

InTheBox · 22/08/2015 16:17

This is really a decision that you're going to have to make for yourself as you'll always get people from both sides of the argument advising opposing views.

In principle you are not being unreasonable to want a child. There is much more to raising a child than being able to kit them out in the latest baby gucci or whatever but if you cannot be able to basically feed, clothe and keep them warm then that's essentially negligence. From what you've said it sounds as though you can afford the initial stages of babyhood but thereafter costs will increase r.e. school uniforms etc.

At 35 there isn't really time to sit back and ponder things, especially so if there's no partner in the vicinity.

In this hypothetical pregnancy would you be rather wait to find an ideal partner or use a sperm donor?

Babyroobs · 22/08/2015 16:17

Ah ok apologies , but presumably you would need help with childcare costs when you go back to work?

MsTargaryen · 22/08/2015 16:18

We could all get hit by a bus tomorrow so it seems a shame to miss out on things (or babies) you want just because you have worries about buying them holidays and things a lot further down the line. Even if you had a fantastic amount of money now, there'd be no guarantee you'd be in the same position when your hypothetical child was a teenager anyway!

Life is too short to miss out.

MagalyMaman · 22/08/2015 16:18

I haven't read all the replies but no you would not be unreasonable to have a baby you can't afford if you are 35.

Not every body has the luxury of a permanent job and a good husband and affordable childcare and a good salary.

Society is structured in a very strange way. Women are labelled selfish if they choose not to have a child, but feckless if they can't afford to have a child in the acceptable middle class way. I vote, I pay taxes and I'm not happy with the way that there is no affordable childcare and I'm not happy with the way individual women take the financial 'hit' for bringing chidren (otherwise known as tax payers of the future) in to the World.

mollie123 · 22/08/2015 16:19

a baby costs very little
that baby becomes a child/teenager and costs a lot in terms of needs both material and emotional for the best part of 15 years
it can be done with support but you really need to think it through.
your age gives you at least 5 years to see how your life could pan out.

Original poster

butteredtoastandjam · 22/08/2015 16:19

I'd rather wait and find a partner but I don't see that happening if I'm truthful.

I know people who would babysit - not for free! - mainly teenage daughters of people I work with. So I'm not sure you'd call them 'support' exactly.

OP posts:

GrammerPedent · 22/08/2015 16:20

'...can't afford to give that child a decent life'?

I think that's offensive. I have friends who were brought up in families with very little income. They are well-adjusted adults with successful careers and have good relationships with their parents.

Love and emotional support are as important as money. People can be great parents even when scraping by financially just as the 'but we took you to stately homes' thread parents obviously had spare cash but were lacking in some really important elements of parenting that the OP may well be able to provide for her DC without having cash to spare.

PollysHoliday · 22/08/2015 16:20

Op I feel like you are talking ME out of it.

How do you plan to find the £4-12,000 for fertility treatment?

What childcare provision would you use on the weekends you worked?

If you have no support at all what would you do if you were ill? If your child was ill and couldn't go to child care or school?

If this is going to happen you need to sit down and do some serious planning and work to get yourself into a stronger position.

Why can't you do an evening class or online training to improve your earning potential?

MagalyMaman · 22/08/2015 16:21

ps, and whilst I'm sure the purpose of this thread is not to allow others to tell you what to do, but to just see what others think, do not allow others to make this decision for you. YOu have a narrow window to sort out the baby/no baby decision, but a few decades to sort out the rest.

bikeandrun · 22/08/2015 16:22

So in the future no one who has a normal job, ie works in a supermarket or is carer can't have children in the future?

Original poster

butteredtoastandjam · 22/08/2015 16:24

What do you mean talking you out of it - Confused? :)

'How do you plan to find the £4-12000 for fertility treatment.'

Well, it's not that much for starters. One round of IUI costs £1500. I have that.

What childcare provision would you use on the weekends you worked?

I don't work all weekend every weekend. It's a couple of hours Saturday or Sunday. I know people who would babysit. At a push I could change jobs to more fixed hours but I'd rather not. I could though.

'What would I do if I was ill'

I don't know, although I have not once been ill in my adult life. Two stomach upsets and one lost voice probably from talking too much.

If my child was ill

Don't know.

Evening classes/online training - I work evenings.

OP posts:

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 22/08/2015 16:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lorelei9 · 22/08/2015 16:24

YABVVVU to have a baby you can't afford.

YANBU to feel sad about this.

you'd struggle to pay for IVF, you have a 1 bed flat, a low income, and no support at all. You shouldn't have a baby. What if something happened to you - do you have anyone who would take your child on? What kind of life can you give the child? What happens if you lose your job? What happens if you are ill or your child is ill with something chronic or long term?

If you really want to then what about seeking out a partner who can help support you and who also really wants a baby?

If you feel it's not worth all that bother, then how about signing up to schemes where you can help support children and young people? That would be a great thing to do.

mollie123 · 22/08/2015 16:26

also re-reading your earlier post - you are hurt because your friend is pregnant having previously come to terms with being childless
that is a natural reaction for any woman - think of all those unable to have children who see others getting pregnant around them
life is unfair sometime but do think carefully before bringing a child into the world to deliberately ease your 'hurt'

lorelei9 · 22/08/2015 16:27

PS - I'd never say someone with an ordinary job shouldn't have kids.

but the OP is painting a picture of an hourly rate - may be on a zero hour contract? - and no support and a 1 bed flat. That doesn't sound like a good scenario to me.

if she'd said "2 of us on min wage, 2 bed flat, some savings, friends and family to help out" - it would be different.

MagalyMaman · 22/08/2015 16:30

that is what some people think bikeandrun . If the best age, combining physical and practical factors is about 27, then most young women of that age don't know what their hours will be next week, never mind having a permanent job with a salary sufficient to pay childcare and pay even half of the bills (half if they are in a couple). Something has got to give, and imo, it's that we as a society must tolerate ''our taxes'' god i can hardly even type that I hate the phrase so much, going towards young parents who don't earn enough to keep themselves never mind a baby, having a child while they are still fertile.

I would be fully supportive of subsidised /free childcare available to all parents. It is really disgraceful the way mothers, particularly single mothers have to think about whether they can afford to work (no, if their earning potential is modest).

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