To not take Dd anywhere 'posh' any more because of how she looks?

[JeffsanArsehole]

We have always gone on theatre/play trips and she's very keen but we usually combine it with a fancy afternoon tea/dinner somewhere really fancy.

I don't want to go with her any more because of how she looks. All in black, cheap corsets, giant goth platforms, plus 50 piercings including giant ear stretcher thingies etc.

Ive refused to criticise or say I don't like her 'style' as I'm a liberal and think she can choose her own self expression.

But at the same time I don't want to go to fancy places while she has such an 'out there' anti establishment style.

(Yes, I'm dreading the huge tattoos she's going for soon)

How do you think your daughter would feel if she saw this?
I would go no contact with you.
You're saying it's ok to go out to cheap places with her how she is, but not to posh places?
I have 6 facial piercings at the moment, loads in my ears, belly and i have stretchers.
I have also worked for banks and a high end retail store.
Neither commented on my appearance.
I still wore my uniforms and looked neat and tidy.
My stretchers are not massive you wouldn't even know in fact.
I have tattoos too.
Can't see them with certain clothes on.
My mom hates it all.
She would never not invite me anywhere and she would never tell me not to wear something.

Yes agree sketch is v nice and she'll have no bother fitting in there at all.

Hers are different Kali, they are definitely noticeable. You have 6 piercings, she has 50. You have unnoticeable stretchers, hers almost touch her shoulder.

I'm not keen on voluntary amputation though I tend to think of it as a health issue rather than a modification issue.

Kali you would go NC with your mum if she didn't approve of your piercings ?
Extreme ?

Cassie- Easier to get rid of stretched ears than tattoos though!

Yes i do not understand people who have parts of their body amputated ( for modification not people in pain)

"I have to hope this is not true because otherwise it would make me very sad"

Really? But it's so obvious it's almost trite that mods are inherently counter-cultural. So now you're sad that I'm suggesting there's a culture? I don't get it.

Almost touch her shoulder? At 1"? Or did I misread earlier? Anyway I hope she's keeping her ears healthy because that degree of stretching needs lots of love.

Yes, the bottom bit flaps down when she takes the ring out

Oh no
She will need surgery to rectify that later but it can be done.
You say she is v pretty? I'm sure this won't be forever op hang in there!

Well that's one reason for getting mods findo. There are many others. I wonder how many invisibly modded people you walk past every day without even realising. Like I say, not everyone does it for shock value.

No verity i have already said my mom doesn't like my piercings.
Difference is she will still go out anywhere with me.
She and anybody i have ever been with ( including their families) have ever been embarrassed to go anywhere with me.
To the theatre, to very fancy restaurants etc
Up to last year i had more facial piercings they just grew out.
You can't miss mine even now, as i have my lips pierced several times.
If i put different stretchers in you can see that they are stretched.
I also used to have dermal implants in my body.
Never has my mother been to embarassed to be seen with me.
I don't like some of the clothes she wears, but i would always go out with her anywhere, no matter what she were wearing.

Ah Cassie, ive just seen your kids aren't old enough to do this

I really hope they don't join Britain First/Ukip to be counter cultural to you

How awful would that be. My liberalism does not extend to my son getting a skin head and a swastika tattooed on his head. I actually would refuse to be seen in public with that.

Oh you mean it almost reaches her shoulder with no jewellery in it? Ok yes I get it. Leaving stretched ears naked occasionally is essential for healthy stretched ears though! Even more so at that size.

Why is it assumed just because someone is pretty and they have piercings that 'it won't last forever'??
Im not ugly, i may not wear all my gothy rocker clothes now but i still have all my piercings in.

Yes, sometimes she just hangs a ring through it and it touches her shoulder.

Oof that's asking for trouble Blimey. Ripped earlobes are my nightmare, I even tape mine down when I got to festivals & gigs etc as I am terrified of them ripping out.

Cassie, as I said earlier I am pretty covered, and I didn't get tattooed for counter-cultural reasons myself so you are preaching to the converted: I was responding to your post about societal expectations. I don't get cross with people for not liking my tattoos, so long as they don't then infer some cliched bullshit about my moral character or qualities as a mother. I can separate a reaction to a body modification from a response to me as a person.

Agree with you cassie. I would not just put a ring through it if they were stretched that big.
Knowing me i'd get them
Caught in something!

I feel the same as you, but I would get cross if people avoided me for fear of judgement - not towards me but to them.

Eg - If someone posted on here "aibu about friend who won't be seen in certain places in public with me due to my piercings/tattoos" a lot of responses would be along the lines of "they're not really your friend", and they'd be right.

To me you are NBU. As a teenager if my parents spent their hard earned cash to take their children to something special, then it mattered that they felt happy and comfortable too. Regularly I dressed up in something that didn't feel entirely me (because purple jeans, cowboy boots and lumberjack shirts were probably all I felt comfortable in) and I didn't mind, as I wanted to join them. We did have the option not to go, but my siblings and I never took up that option.

I would have been mortified to embarrass my parents when they were treating me to something lovely, even if their views (or the chosen venues) were outdated and judgemental. I have done lots of things that have driven them absolutely crazy over the years, but this wouldn't have been one of them.

Life is about choices and regularly doing things we don't really want to do. Is it so terrible to make an effort to make a loved one feel happy 5% of the time, if they support our choices the other 95% of the time? Sounds like OP is largely very supportive of her DD.

Haven't read all the posts here but wanted to say that appearance aside if your DD is happy to go out with you this frequently you've got one lovely child there! Embrace the stares - your DD is unique and you should be proud, even if it makes you a bit uncomfortable. I do agree with others that the dress codes in posher places might not allow for her more out-there stylings but so what? Do the Ritz with someone else, or when your DD is older and more comfortable with compromising her look for the sake of society (if, of course, she ever is - and if not, there are plenty more interesting places to go in London).

And to whoever is ashamed of their DD wearing Iron Maiden t shirts, she and her dad clearly rock

Hmm, I'm not sure about that.

If someone posted about their DH (definitely seen this) dressing really scruffy the received wisdom is usually the following:

He can dress however he likes. You can choose not to go with him.

I think it's sort of the same. If my DH or a friend decided to radically change their dress to draw attention to themselves I ppossibly wouldn't go with them.

If my DS decided to out himself as I described above with a swastika tattoo and a shaved head/bovver boots so he looked like a white supremacist I wouldn't go out in public with him.

I wouldn't go out with someone dressed offensively, whether that's a Nazi look or an extreme dominatrix costume.

jeffersonarshole, is your dd really keen to go to these posh places with you?

Is she insistent that you and her should be able to go anywhere together without either of you compromising on your individual style and appearance?

I think how you deal with it hinges on how she sees things. If she is laid back about where you both go, then can't you just choose a place that suits you both?

Ok Kali I understand it's more the not being seen with you that's upsetting.
Hmm it's v hard. I would be v upset at the modifications but I always think I would be happy to go out with my DD no matter what she looked like.
I suppose it's more about what's appropriate though. I mean it would be uncomfortable for her at the ritz with all the stares she'd get..
Sketch much better or I know ! The Sanderson it's much more of a relaxed vibe whilst being upmarket enough for OP.

Jeff, could you offer her a choice? 'DD, I would really love to go to X with you at Christmas as this could be our last chance before you leave for college next year. But the dress code is quite strict and I'm not sure what their policies on facial piercings are. Alternatively, if you'd rather not remove the piercings, we could go to Y instead'.

But have a think about what's more important to you, going to somewhere 'posh', or just enjoying time with your DD in a place you both feel comfortable .

BTW, I think you sound like a great mum - you're not issuing ultimatums, just considering the possibilities (P.S I hate those ear expanders with a passion)