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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not take Dd anywhere 'posh' any more because of how she looks?

251 replies

JeffsanArsehole · 20/08/2015 13:40

We have always gone on theatre/play trips and she's very keen but we usually combine it with a fancy afternoon tea/dinner somewhere really fancy.

I don't want to go with her any more because of how she looks. All in black, cheap corsets, giant goth platforms, plus 50 piercings including giant ear stretcher thingies etc.

Ive refused to criticise or say I don't like her 'style' as I'm a liberal and think she can choose her own self expression.

But at the same time I don't want to go to fancy places while she has such an 'out there' anti establishment style.

(Yes, I'm dreading the huge tattoos she's going for soon)

OP posts:
CassieBearRawr · 20/08/2015 20:18

I think OP means philtrum or vertical upper lip piercing bulbasaur but I was already tearing her post apart I didn't want to add more to it Grin

FindoGask · 20/08/2015 20:22

I think the OP is getting an unnecessarily hard time for having an honest reaction to her daughter's piercings. I'm covered in tattoos but I don't expect my parents to love them (which is a good job, because they really don't). I think she sounds like a good mum who is trying to do the right thing.

MrsEvadneCake · 20/08/2015 20:24

Thank you for the correction CassieBearRawr about jewellery alternatives. Smile I didn't know that.

Original poster
JeffsanArsehole · 20/08/2015 20:24

"Closed minded snobby attitude"

Why does not liking them suggest that.

If I was closed minded I'd have been preventing her over the years getting them. If I was snobby I wouldn't go out with her every day in normal life

It's just very fancy places that are making me pause and not want the stares.

i think you're being a bit harsh Cassie.

OP posts:
Mintyy · 20/08/2015 20:27

Really, if she's as alternative as she likes to think she is, then afternoon tea at The Ritz is not going to be her sort of thing at all. Why would she want to go somewhere which is a destination for old crusties (like me) and tourists?

thehypocritesoaf · 20/08/2015 20:29

Even Slipknot like the occasional Victoria sponge.

CassieBearRawr · 20/08/2015 20:29

I disagree Jeff. The fact you're considering refusing to be seen in certain places with her unless she conforms to your standards is what suggests a closed minded snobby attitude. If you were truly liberal you wouldn't care. Because it doesn't seem to be about whether she'd feel any discomfort or unhappiness at stares and whispers, it's you who doesn't want to be judged by proxy.

MrsEvadneCake · 20/08/2015 20:31

I was very alternative in my youth but I still went to conventional places with my DF to spend time with him because he enjoyed them. I wish I could have with my DM. She wouldn't spend time with me and didn't understand me. Still doesn't.

CassieBearRawr · 20/08/2015 20:33

thehyprocitesoaf Grin I fucking bet they do you know. Who doesn't like a good victoria sponge?!

minipie · 20/08/2015 20:34

Dress codes are part of life and it's massively disingenuous to pretend people don't judge you on appearance. IMO you are doing your DD a favour if you gently educate her to have a level of social awareness about appropriate clothing. People who just blithely tell their DC 'everyone should accept you for who you are' are misleading their children about how the world really works.

This. Though I suspect the DD is already aware people will judge her on appearance but has decided (being very young still) that she doesn't care.

Original poster
JeffsanArsehole · 20/08/2015 20:34

She loves people staring and is on her way to enjoying being professionally offended if someone tuts (you know, typical
teen Wink)

She definitely wouldnt feel discomfited.

Of course it's about me. I don't think its 'not liberal' to not personally like something. The point of being liberal is to fight for others to be able to.

OP posts:
Toffeelatteplease · 20/08/2015 20:37

I can imagine it is preferable to be disapproved of openly rather than someone who just writes about it on the Internet

Original poster
JeffsanArsehole · 20/08/2015 20:41

Also not sure its 'my' standards, strongly suspect that its societies and that at some point (undetermined) she's going to tip over into unacceptable to societies standards.

Quite interested at what point others think it does , does it just never tip over for you Cassie?

Ive already said she has two bars, plus 48 other piercings on her face/neck/ears/mouth. I think at some point it's going to become an issue for going about/jobs.

OP posts:
Original poster
JeffsanArsehole · 20/08/2015 20:42

Maybe if they knew about it Toffee but this is anonymous and ive obviously namechanged since the Jeff thing is new.

OP posts:
tomatodizzymum · 20/08/2015 20:43

I would just take her, no one really judges, although some really posh places do have dress codes. If she's that anti-establishment though she won't want to go anyway surely? It's a shame she will miss out on family time for the sake of boots and earings, but that's teens for you.

TheExMotherInLaw · 20/08/2015 20:45

YANBU
This is an outing for both of you. That means both of you ought to be enjoying it. If you take her somewhere posh, then you won't enjoy it fully, as you'll be on edge. As others have said, take her elsewhere. Wait a few years and she will learn to tone down her dress when need be. My daughter did. She was dressed outrageously at Boomtown last weekend (saw the photos) jeans & tshirt yesterday, then a smart suit to work today. Just hang on in there, give her time. It's ok to dislike what she wears, and you're doing the right thing, IMO, not to criticise openly.

tigermoth · 20/08/2015 20:50

My 21 year old ds1 has large stretchers in his ears. He's had them for so long now I don't notice them.

Would I feel bad about taking him to a fancy place for tea? Not half as bad as he would feel taking his mother to one of his dubstep music nights!

nortonhouse · 20/08/2015 20:55

ExMIL is very sensible. And FWIW I think you sound like a great mum - not overly judgmental, just trying to strike the right balance in treating your daughter as an adult - a young adult who also sometimes needs some gentle guidance

CassieBearRawr · 20/08/2015 20:57

I'm sure it will and there's two outcomes there, either

  1. She went into this with a mature and reasoned attitude, did the research, understood the consequences and went ahead with the knowledge and expectations of what to expect, in which case she will be able to manage her own expectations and deal with the fallout and negative consequences. She might not always like them but she will at least understand them. or
  2. She did no research or planning in which case she was a damn fool to do so and will be in for a very tough time and a lesson learnt! That's life eh.

Most people who end up heavily modified are very, very much aware of societies expectations and standards, in a lot of cases that's precisely why they chose those modifications, so I suspect she is aware of them.

That said I would never advise a minor to stretch so large as while most of those piercings will heal over (albeit perhaps with scars) at 1"+ she's past the point of no return and THOSE are permanent now. They should be viewed in a similar manner to tattoos in terms of permanency.

I don't actually hold a tipping point for modifications tbh and find even extreme modifications fascinating. I like to explore why I have certain reactions or opinions to some, as I will freely admit some have caused an initial reaction of "Hmm". What I remind myself of in those situations is that everyone is different. And like you while I would never undergo some myself, I wouldn't ask them to change who they are for my sake.

CassieBearRawr · 20/08/2015 21:01

I am aware that's not a standard viewpoint though, so while I'm sad to see your reaction to your daughter I'm not surprised by it or expecting you to change.

MajesticWhine · 20/08/2015 21:11

YANBU to not take her somewhere posh. It just isn't appropriate to dress like that at a fancy restaurant or hotel. Go somewhere to eat / drink where anything goes and I expect you will both be more comfortable.

FindoGask · 20/08/2015 21:12

I think you're holding the OP to an impossible moral standard, Cassie. And you're contradicting yourself. You talk about how mods in many cases are a kick against societal mores, but at the same time you criticise the OP for sharing some of those. If everyone could accept mods and find them totally OK and even beautiful, what would be the point of having them?

Jeffsan isn't trying to change how her daughter looks. She's not been endlessly critical. She's not refusing to be seen with her in public. She just feels a bit freaked out by going to the Ritz with her daughter in full gothed up modded splendour! I think, really, very few people would be able to honestly deny they would feel the same.

Although as an aside, I really think the whole point of those awful ponced-up places is they make everyone feel twitchy and uncomfortable. That's why I would rather drink a cup of cold vomit than go to one. Well - maybe no, but you get my drift.

Original poster
JeffsanArsehole · 20/08/2015 21:14

I don't get why you're sad since we both think the same thing, we both wouldn't do it to ourselves but have no problem with others doing it.

Unless you're also saying that there's no tipping point for you at all and that you would be happy to accompany your child even if they modified themselves extremely?

Are you saying that? Totally understand if you are, don't want to put words in your mouth

OP posts:
CassieBearRawr · 20/08/2015 21:24

If everyone could accept mods and find them totally OK and even beautiful, what would be the point of having them?

Because not everyone gets them to stick it to the man Wink

She's not refusing to be seen with her in public.

Apart from this one instance tho amirte?

I think, really, very few people would be able to honestly deny they would feel the same.

I have to hope this is not true because otherwise it would make me very sad.

Unless you're also saying that there's no tipping point for you at all and that you would be happy to accompany your child even if they modified themselves extremely? Are you saying that? Totally understand if you are, don't want to put words in your mouth

I don't mind. But you are right in your assumption, yes. I admit I have a keener interest in modifications than most though and have tattoos and piercings myself so there is precious little that would shock me. I'm sure my kids will come up with something else to shock me when the time comes Grin

For the sake of full disclosure voluntary amputation is one extreme modification that I struggle to see the appeal of for example, although I wouldn't refuse to be seen with someone who chose to undergo it. My first introduction to this was an acquaintance on a modification forum who chose to remove his nipples as, in his own words he "just fucking hated them" Grin The cross scars in their place were quite interesting I suppose!

MrsEvadneCake · 20/08/2015 21:24

I personally would accompany my child anywhere if they chose to be heavily modified. Stares or not. My DH and I get stared at occasionally that we notice. Mostly we don't either don't notice or don't get looked at. He is modified and heavily tattooed. I'm visibly tattooed and have facial piercings and bright hair.