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Original poster

To not take Dd anywhere 'posh' any more because of how she looks?

251 replies

JeffsanArsehole · 20/08/2015 13:40

We have always gone on theatre/play trips and she's very keen but we usually combine it with a fancy afternoon tea/dinner somewhere really fancy.

I don't want to go with her any more because of how she looks. All in black, cheap corsets, giant goth platforms, plus 50 piercings including giant ear stretcher thingies etc.

Ive refused to criticise or say I don't like her 'style' as I'm a liberal and think she can choose her own self expression.

But at the same time I don't want to go to fancy places while she has such an 'out there' anti establishment style.

(Yes, I'm dreading the huge tattoos she's going for soon)

OP posts:
Original poster
JeffsanArsehole · 20/08/2015 19:19

Yeah, she's an adult though Flo Grin

She wouldn't have at 14 Hmm

OP posts:
wreckingball · 20/08/2015 19:20

If you have nothing nice to say to her then don't say anything at all.
She already knows YOU don't like her piercings, you don't need to tell her twice.

Bulbasaur · 20/08/2015 19:22

They're called gauges here in the US. I think they're cute. They're a big thing over here. My husband has 0G's and a snug. They look classy and no one has bothered to care about them.

Anyway, I don't see why you can't take her to these places. If there's a dress code, obviously, dress nicely (and you can do that goth style). The worst you have to worry about is someone you don't know giving a judgmental sneer. Is that person really worth worrying about? Is there a reason you need to care about another's opinion?

Mothers have been simultaneously criticized and praised since day one for any and every choice they make regarding their child. This really isn't that different.

So the real question is, what is a stranger's opinion really worth to you? And why is that?

Theycallmemellowjello · 20/08/2015 19:22

I think this thread isn't really about getting into the ritz. Hardly anywhere in london has a dress code that excludes alternative wear - in fact the fancy hotels are the only places I can think of that might. If you're worried there are other options even on Picadilly - go to fortnum and mason or that afternoon tea place that used to be a car dealership, just as nice as the ritz but not so stuffy. Obviously theatres/opera houses don't care about dress. But I reckon this is about you feeling unhappy about your daughter's dress, and frustration at not feeling able to say anything to her. I sympathise with that, but think you're wasting energy - she won't change because you disapprove. Just be grateful that you have a smart loving daughter and be proud of her positive qualities, including her independent mindedness, even if that leads to undesirable fashion choices. I also think the ear stretchers are gross, but I wouldn't feel embarrassed going out with her. But I think it's ok to let her know how you feel, as long as it's not done in such a way as to make her feel bad.

Floisme · 20/08/2015 19:24

Ah that makes me feel better, op, Grin

If it helps (don't know if it does) we were turned away from the Ritz last year Blush The guy said the only reason was that our son was wearing trainers and that otherwise people could wear whatever they liked. This was for coffee, not afternoon tea or anything.

Original poster
JeffsanArsehole · 20/08/2015 19:26

I'm not sure that they look 'classy' Bulbasaur.

It's funny that some people think ive clearly told her that I don't like them and that others think I haven't told her enough. Interesting, the range of opinions.

There's no way I'm going to mention it to her in a way that makes her feel bad. I will just not take her with me to Claridges, DH and I can go instead.

OP posts:
redcaryellowcar · 20/08/2015 19:29

I don't have teenagers, but I hope when my small ones grow up, I'll value time with them above everything else?

Original poster
JeffsanArsehole · 20/08/2015 19:31

Promise me you'll come back and say that in ten years redcaryellowcar Grin

Just promise.

OP posts:
Toffeelatteplease · 20/08/2015 19:34

Hypocrite : a person who feigns some desirable or publicly approved attitude, especially one whose private life, opinions, or statements belie his or her public statements.

So if you proclaim you are broadminded to accept your DD the way she looks but wouldn't feel comfortable enough to be seen out with her. You don't want to hurt her feelings but I'm damn sure if she knew the contents of your OP she would be very hurt.

Personally I don't mind which way you go. Take her to high tea and be proud of her or tell her the truth and find an easier compromise.

Personally I don't see the harm in sometimes saying "god that looks awful" especially if it is followed by "I'm sure jointly we can make it work better or find some thing we both like"

WhatamessIgotinto · 20/08/2015 19:38

Well to be fair OP, Redcar may well value time with her teens over anything else when the time comes, even if you don't feel that way about yours.

Original poster
JeffsanArsehole · 20/08/2015 19:40

I'm seen out with her every day, it's just a fancy hotel I don't want to go there with her.

I don't pretend I like them, that would be hypocritical. And she's too old to be told 'let's see if we can find something together', I reckon at almost 18 she would see it as patronising and a bit rude.

OP posts:
Toffeelatteplease · 20/08/2015 19:40

It's funny that some people think ive clearly told her that I don't like them and that others think I haven't told her enough.

We are confused because you have said both

^"Ive refused to criticise or say I don't like her 'style' "
"She's in no doubt I don't like them"^

Bulbasaur · 20/08/2015 19:40

I would post a picture, but I appreciate the anonymity the site here affords me. You'll just have to take my word that they look nice. Wink

Honestly, I've been through the wild hair, piercings, clothing. I knew my mom didn't like them. But she supported my styles, still included me on the Christmas cards, and I eventually grew out of them because I needed a job. I had a friend that was worse than me, had more piercings on her face than I knew could fit. Now she has none (except earrings). Your daughter will out grow it and tone it down one day.

You could just playfully be like "OMG! Another piercing?! Where will you fit it this time?", if you have a relationship like that. I wouldn't make it a serious deal though or "heart to heart" talk type of thing.

Just tell her the Claridges thing is a date with you and DH, and take her to more "quirky" places where she'll fit in. I honestly wouldn't even mention the gauges/stretchers, just change the venue and tell her you want to try new places. You guys might both like trying something new and different.

Original poster
JeffsanArsehole · 20/08/2015 19:42

I have refused to criticise and said I don't like them for me but she can wear what she likes.

Not confusing. Ive walked a fine line and said to her over and over again over the years that they're not for me but she can choose it.

OP posts:
WhatamessIgotinto · 20/08/2015 19:54

Does she know you don't want to be seen with her in a 'fancy' hotel?

nortonhouse · 20/08/2015 20:01

Sketch, on Conduit Street. My teenage daughter and her friends think it's very cool. Dress there totally runs the gamut.

Original poster
JeffsanArsehole · 20/08/2015 20:01

No, I mooted earlier about dress codes and she quoted a few to me. They don't cover piercings, just trainers and sportswear which she doesn't wear.

I'm thinking (note, not said it yet) about saying that she can come if she takes the giant bar out her nose, the bar across her frenum (sp), basically a thick bar going through her top lip and wears her hair down to cover the ears (which are the worst because of the inch stretchers and the 15 earrings in each lobe).

I think it's the combination of the two bars and the ears that make me think people will stare, they are very obvious metal bars.

But I haven't said it yet as she won't be keen. She's always worried they will close up.

And again, note that i haven't said it yet

OP posts:
Ripeningapples · 20/08/2015 20:09

OP, I haven't read the thread but I can imagine. I completely understand how you feel. There isn't anything to add really, but pm me if you need some support beyond this place.

CassieBearRawr · 20/08/2015 20:11

I'm going to ignore all the people calling them strecthers or gauges because it's making me twitchy.

Jeff, you can call yourself liberal and open mined all you want but actions speak louder than words. If you choose not to take your daughter somewhere fancy due to her appearance then it betrays your liberal veneer and shows the closed minded snobby attitude underneath. You don't have to be screaming in her face "I hate your fucking mods" for your obvious attitude against them to be apparent.

Since you're so keen on the adult discussion with her then why not bring it up? "Daughter, you know I'd love for us both to go to after the theatre but they have a dress code. Would you like to come with me? We might both have to dress a bit posher than usual though". If she refuses then she doesn't want the cake or your company as much as you think couldn't blame her. If she modifies her appearance a little then great.

Or could she be dressed head to toe in Chloe and you'd still not want to be seen with her due to her visible modifications?

CassieBearRawr · 20/08/2015 20:12

Your last post has answered my question!

MrsEvadneCake · 20/08/2015 20:13

Not that I agree with your feelings but if you want to take her somewhere and the bars bother you then maybe ask if she would swap them for the clear plastic piercing jewellery just for the day. It won't heal up and it won't be as visible. I do think it's sad that you are concerned about stares from strangers rather than the missing out on experiences however.

Toffeelatteplease · 20/08/2015 20:14

Cassia bear -spot on

CassieBearRawr · 20/08/2015 20:15

Glass retainers are better quality and better for her piercings. Depends how new her piercings are as to whether she could even use them too.

Not that I'd bother if I was her!

"I do think it's sad that you are concerned about stares from strangers rather than the missing out on experiences however."

^^ Agree.

Bulbasaur · 20/08/2015 20:16

Well. I got a google result I wasn't quite expecting when I typed "frenum piercing", I'll give you a hint it's one you'll never have to worry about your daughter getting. Grin Blush

Yes, nose and mouth piercings especially close very quickly. She can't just take them out and put them back in later. She would have to redo the piercings.

But.. you already know this isn't a fight you're going to win with her. All it's going to do is cause friction between you two... and for what? So people don't stare? Is a stranger who doesn't deserve the energy you're wasting on them worth it?

She's not going to remember the piercings when the dust settles years later, she's going to remember that her mother didn't accept her for who she was and tried to change her to fit her own arbitrary standards.

She's your daughter, you obviously know her better than anyone here. But if you think this is going to cause ill feelings, maybe think about what you're really fighting for. IMHO making my child feel like I'm trying to suppress them isn't worth doing so a stranger doesn't think "Oh, how common sniff".

AvaCrowder · 20/08/2015 20:17

People will think that she's in a band. Act like you are her PA. If they stare they stare, who gives a shit? They don't know her. If people are staring then perhaps they are rude and don't belong in fancy tea rooms.