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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To find it very irritating when parents will go to any length to avoid upsetting their child?

220 replies

Audrella · 16/08/2015 19:19

Even when it means upsetting others in the process just to avoid their precious little flower from being upset.

Yesterday I took DS out with a friend and her DS, who is the same age as my son. My friend spoils her son a lot; he is quite demanding (the boys are 7), and she will do things like start talking to me and he'll make the smallest demand murmur and she will never make him wait, she'll just walk off to do whatever he wants. Anyway, yesterday my friend's DS suddenly started saying that my son's name is short for a really horrible, old fashioned name that was obviously going to wind my DS up. DS came over to me with the other boy and said "My name's not short for X is it, mum?" and I said "no, of course it's not". The other boy then started crying and my friend soothingly murmured "Yes darling, it IS short for X". Rather than tell her son he was wrong!

DS also recently had a party. One child had a tantrum when I gave out the party bags because he didn't like what was in them. Instead of telling him that it was tough luck, the mum kept being all softly softly with him, and hinting to me that he really wanted something else and trying to find out if I had something different he could have (I didn't)

AIBU to find this behaviour annoying and think that we are going to end up with a generation of spoilt, pampered kids!!

OP posts:

poppymax · 18/08/2015 14:09

We need to give our children opportunities to develop strategies in life, including feeling regret,/disappointment. Whilst I agree picking your battles with your child is important, tolerating rude behaviour is not ok. When other parents undermine you especially when their DS is in the wrong is irritating beyond belief.

coffeeisnectar · 18/08/2015 14:40

My dsd is pandered to by dp and he won't believe she can do anything wrong. Ever.

Like the time she deliberately slammed my dds fingers in a door, the endless losing stuff or not having it here in the first place and then accusing me or my dds of stealing/hiding it (tablet charger which was found at her friends house, keys found on the floor where she had dropped them, mobile phone found by a stranger in the street where she had dropped it, the fucking socks, all 15 pairs of them) and dp backs her up saying it must be one of us and then the stuff turns up and there's no apology.

And basically letting her dictate everything while she's here, running about after her, bringing her food, letting her choose dinner every night, never saying no....And he says she's always good, the perfect child who never kicks off. Well as I've never heard her denied anything and she is never told off I'm not surprised.

amarmai · 18/08/2015 15:23

coffee , i wd need an opiate as well as nectar to live with what you have described. Why??

coffeeisnectar · 18/08/2015 15:28

I stay because I love him. And do a disappearing act with my kids as much as possible when the princess is here and count the days to her going him again.

She's coming here on Monday for a week. God help him. Bloody Disney dad!!

Bogeyface · 18/08/2015 16:05

I wouldnt feel love for anyone who would allow my children to be bullied, physically assaulted, falsely accused and who would collude in that behaviour.

Frankly, if you are happy for your kids to be treated like shit "because I luv 'im" then I dont think you are in a position to judge anyone elses parenting.

BertrandRussell · 18/08/2015 16:30

You stay with someone who colludes in the hurting and bullying of your child "because you love him"?

Wow.

Atenco · 18/08/2015 17:02

You stay with someone who colludes in the hurting and bullying of your child "because you love him"?

Yeap, coffee, I think you need to rethink this one

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 18/08/2015 17:13

Coffee

You see your hubby wont be told no, no we havent had her keys .., no, we are having x for tea ... no, she did shut DD fingers in the door on purpose.... hes just as bad. He doesnt see it because her loves her, you dont see it because you love him.

Goldmandra · 18/08/2015 17:16

coffee, I think you need to give some careful consideration to what you are teaching your children by accepting this behaviour. Why aren't they worth standing up for? Why are you enabling this treatment of them in their own home (or anywhere for that matter)?

Do you want them to grow up thinking that being abused like this is normal and reasonable?

Do you love your DP more than you love your DCs?

textfan · 18/08/2015 17:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AcrossthePond55 · 18/08/2015 18:09

Coffee the decision is ultimately yours, but I do think you need to consider what you are teaching your children by staying with this 'man'.

That they are second best, that they shouldn't defend themselves against unfair attacks, that it's better to 'hide' than stand up for yourself, that they must 'disappear' in order to avoid bullies. In other words, you are raising perfect 'victims' for future domestic abuse.

I think you should think long and hard about what staying 'because you love him' is doing to the children you also supposedly love.

coffeeisnectar · 18/08/2015 18:36

I take on board what you are all saying but I don't sit back and allow him or her to bully my kids. I am very vocal in their defence and have pulled dsd up several times about her behaviour. She cries, he then says she doesn't need to be told off as she's upset. His sister has told him his dd is a sneaky, manipulative liar. A family outreach worker has told him his parenting of her is destructive and not beneficial. On the other hand she's rarely here so when she is he absolutely doesn't want to do anything negative. Like actual parenting!!

I'm quite happy to take mine out to the beach and leave them here. She sits on her ipad not communicating and he watches tv. And at least we are out having fun.

He's a great step dad to mine, we have a good family unit and he doesn't moan if teen rings at 1am needing a lift. He just gets up and goes to get her. And he's been brilliant with my youngest too.

It's just when dsd is here.

Goldmandra · 18/08/2015 18:42

Has it occurred to him that she might feel more like part of the family and want to spend more time with you if he had higher expectations of her and treated her like she had something positive to offer.

As long as she gets away with this appalling behaviour, she will feel insecure and like a guest in what should be her home. In fact, that is probably why she feels the need to hurt the other children.

I wouldn't like to be in your house if this will be going on for a whole week. Don't your DCs feel resentful?

Auradora12 · 18/08/2015 19:39

Db and SIL were always very poor at saying no to DNs and when they were little and came round to play with my DC we would have problems. If they couldn't have something for any reason they would turn to SIL and she would give in, even if it broke house rules, which then meant we would have to be nasty aunt and uncle saying No. Their behaviour continued to deteriorate to the point that it was causing problems at school with DN. Didn't help that DB started working away from home and SIL doesn't deal with DNeph very well but DNie is a princess. Both children get whatever they want whenever they want and my 2 now do not want to be with them, they can't stand them and feel that they are very spoilt. Unfortunately for DNeph continues to still have issues at school and it's not academic as if he could be bothered he would be near the top of the class but behavioural as enjoys being class clown, hates being told off and the school identified that it is due to lack of male support as they can tell when DB is around as his behaviour improves immeasurably.

Wish we could help but SIL thinks that we are all too interfering in the family and so would prefer to have little to do with us and keep DB away from us. The worst is at birthdays they always deliver presents late, which has upset my DC a few times, but don't you dare be late with their presents and they can't post even a card. I dread to think what they will turn into in the next couple of years as they move to secondary school and become teens.

Bellebella · 18/08/2015 19:39

Don't know how you can respect him at all coffee. I would find it hard to be with him. He is not such a great stepdad when his child is bullying yours and he is doing spd all is he ?

Don't your kids feel resentful at all?

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 20/08/2015 17:11

Another case in point. Poor bird.

ollieplimsoles · 20/08/2015 18:21

bogey I went to school with a girl who was very similar to the one you describe.

She wasn't the pfb but she was the only daughter, her mum was a total man hater after her marriage broke down and indulged her daughter no end. She would come into school to talk to teachers over the slightest thing
High School was no better, she was rude, bossy, manipulative and so fucking VAIN, I mean this girl absolutely loved herself, and it was clear why when you met her mother.
In college she made a name for herself going after a different guy every week, isolated what little friends she had left, her mum would come in... Its a vicious circle. Her mum insisted she didn't go to uni to as it would be a 'culture shock'

Now she just works in the business her mum runs.

0urKid · 23/08/2015 03:00

When me and dh got married his nephew was allowed to run about. As we're saying our vows he kept tugging at dhs hand, crawling under the registrars table and nearly booting the speakers over. I was fuming but as I was stood in front of 50plus people and 8 months pg I just asked his parents politely to keep him seated. He did it again and they just sat there laughing. Eventually the registrar spoke up and demanded they control him. It wasn't his fault as he was only 2 but no apology was made just comments like "aww he just wanted to be with his uncle in his special day!" [anger] Afterwards people were coming up to us in disbelief that anyone wouldn't make the effort to control a boisterous toddler during what is for most people a twice in a lifetime occasion. 11 years later I'm still waiting to get my revenge.

Bogeyface · 23/08/2015 03:09

Afterwards people were coming up to us in disbelief that anyone wouldn't make the effort to control a boisterous toddler during what is for most people a twice in a lifetime occasion

God point, well made :)

Bogeyface · 23/08/2015 03:09

Good

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