To find it very irritating when parents will go to any length to avoid upsetting their child?

[Audrella]

Even when it means upsetting others in the process just to avoid their precious little flower from being upset.

Yesterday I took DS out with a friend and her DS, who is the same age as my son. My friend spoils her son a lot; he is quite demanding (the boys are 7), and she will do things like start talking to me and he'll make the smallest demand murmur and she will never make him wait, she'll just walk off to do whatever he wants. Anyway, yesterday my friend's DS suddenly started saying that my son's name is short for a really horrible, old fashioned name that was obviously going to wind my DS up. DS came over to me with the other boy and said "My name's not short for X is it, mum?" and I said "no, of course it's not". The other boy then started crying and my friend soothingly murmured "Yes darling, it IS short for X". Rather than tell her son he was wrong!

DS also recently had a party. One child had a tantrum when I gave out the party bags because he didn't like what was in them. Instead of telling him that it was tough luck, the mum kept being all softly softly with him, and hinting to me that he really wanted something else and trying to find out if I had something different he could have (I didn't)

AIBU to find this behaviour annoying and think that we are going to end up with a generation of spoilt, pampered kids!!

Would those who are doing it kindly stop using Alfred as an example of a 'horrible old fashioned name' . I've got a DGS called that. >

I agree with you. However, I find that it is DD's grandparents that do this. Both my parents and the in laws. Example: 4 yo dd starts to cry because she doesn't want to go home (and leave her cousin). DH: DD, we are going now, show daddy what a good girl you can be by putting your shoes on, and we will come back and play with cousin another day'. Interrupted by mil who tells dd she can have another run around the garden. DH says no, MIL says yes, DH tells his mother off for undermining him. MIL gets upset because she was only trying to stop dd from feeling upset and listening to her cry is 'traumatic'. The thing I'd, neither my in laws nor my parents would have pandered to their own children's tantrums in such a way. I'm a gentle parent, I try not to shout and never hit, but I'm firm with dd. I will sit her in timeout if she throws a tantrum because I won't agree that our cats can get married or let her continue to call her cousin a silly name when it is upsetting her. It drives me mad when my mother just agrees with any old thing dd claims to be true just to stop her crying.

This has always gone on, I recall in the late 70s NDN granddaughter broke my toy cash register in a fit of jealousy (back then this would have been the only present I'd had at Christmas). Her parents came to pick her up and gave her the exact same toy. So I had a broken one and her reward for breaking it was a brand new one! I still smart over this and that my mum didn't tell them to hand it over to me.
I think the behaviour is more prevalent nowadays, particularly among the middle classes in my observation. I have observed so many helicopter parents, allowing their dc to butt in every 5 mins, constant anxiety about whether they are happy/occupied, excuses for terrible behaviours. And then total baffled and lots of handwringing when they get into trouble at school.

With the name thing all either mother had to say was "Yes, sometimes Monty is short for Montmerency, but not this time- Monty's name is just Monty, so that's what we call him. Calling him anything else would be silly. Now, who wants a game of swingball/ an ice lolly/ a run with the dog"
Party bag? "Sorry, that's all there is- give it back to me if you don't want it"

My daughter has special needs and I am probably the strictest person I know when it comes to being polite and social rules. I do micromanage every aspect of her movement, and tbh I don't even know if that is any better.

I think it probably is. While the behaviour we're all talking about is unpleasant, I believe the worst thing you can do to your child is fail to teach them how to get along. They face constant rejection for something that isn't their fault. This is one instance where it's kinder to be tough.

I feel like I go the other way and fight the feeling that they need to be perfect and put everyone else first. Dd doesn't always do this as she has ASD. I find it difficult to deal with in my mind. That is my own upbringiging though, and even if I was really ill I would feel bad if someone else needed something doing. I am ill today and I feel that way. It has made me very resilient and a high achiever I suppose.

I've just remembered one lovely young man I know.

He is the little prince on a pedestal. His parents are often in school complaining loudly at some perceived slight. He is a little bully. He hides kids things, not for a laugh even though it isn't funny anyway but to be spiteful and because he likes upsetting other children. I've seen him deliberately trip children. And then behaviour management pander and appease because they are as bad as the parents and do anything for a quiet life.

I am totally in agreement on this YANBU. But have to chime in from another perspective. I think a lot of parents interfere too much on the playground. I'd never dream of letting my DC hurt someone else but I don't intervene unless that's what is happening. So if someone isn't sharing perfectly, pushed in front etc, while I obviously always talk to my DC about this and if I'm standing right there I wouldn't let it happen but I think there has to be some dealing it with themselves on the playground. Sometimes I see my DC being treated unfairly and am desperate to intervene but I stop myself because I know sometimes they have to deal with it themselves. I know other mums who literally follow their DC around the playground monitoring behaviour.

I am the latter universalbagel

micro I think you have a different of challenges. I'm a teacher. Behaviour management strategies are not a one size fits all. If you are teaching your dd to engage on a social level then you should give yourself a lot more credit. Your dd will grow up with boundaries and compassion for others. As a sister of two siblings with asd, I can tell you that both of them are grateful that my mum taught them social rules and graces; they follow them because they understand they should, even if they think that some of those rules are completely ridiculous

I feel sorry for kids like the one in the OP , because the real world is going to be an awful shock to them.
I endured a train journey recently with Colleen, aged five, whose dad sat pretending not to notice how she was tormenting a very nice granny with three nice grand kids. She grabbed food and drinks that they had, wanted their games, books, and everything they had.

Two of the kids whose stuff she was taking were no older than her.
She dropped a piece of sandwich, at one stage, (one of their sandwiches), beside my seat, and was about to step on it. I pointed it out to her, because she could easily have slipped on it, or someone else would.
I was then referred to as 'the lady who shouted at ME', for the rest of the journey.
I didn't shout, or use anything even resembling a loud voice. It was just that Colleen was obviously used to being completely indulged. Poor kid.

I agree, that when parents give into their little darlings, other kids wont, no we cant play you game, no you cant share my sweet, no you cant come for tea, they end up miserable, and friend less, and bully to get their own way, which gains power.

And, if you arent dealing with it as a parent, then teachers have to deal with it, and they cant understand why it works with mom, but not miss.

Sally- we have found that they bully others (which is ok because little Fifi didn't mean it/was only joking/was tired/was upset/is younger etc etc) but in the meantime accuse everyone else of bullying them. Bullying is basically refusing to play the game their parents and grandparents play daily.

Sounds like my sil exactly. She is actually a really nice kind person but just can't stand to see her DC upset at all. Sil can't stand the thought that her DC will ever encounter anything that isn't wonderful and positive.
Dn has figured this out and any attempt to tell her " no" results in " mummy you are upsetting me"
I don't usually care unless it affects my Dc.

Youre right! Sadly bully is miserable and drags another child into misery. And i hear parents say dont play with x theyre mean, and they get a reputation, i dont blame parents for asking their kids to avoid a child who wont play nice.

For those of you who think its unkind, you treat people how they treat you, and kids are no different.

And, if you arent dealing with it as a parent, then teachers have to deal with it, and they cant understand why it works with mom, but not miss.

So true. I remember reading a thread on another forum where a mum was posting that little Tarquin (recently started school), needed an explanation for everything he was required to do, before he would decide whether or not to comply.

She could not understand why this didn't work for his teacher, plus he was in trouble at school for playing some game in the playground that the school didn't allow. He told the teacher who stopped him, that he wasn't his (Tarquin's) teacher, so he didn't have to obey him.

Finally, a teacher pointed out to her, on the thread, (after about fifty other exasperated posters had tried to), that she would get nothing done if she had to explain to each child the whys and wherefores of what was being done in the classroom, rather than just saying 'ok, put away your books now' or whatever.

I think the mum still felt Tarquin should have been given individual explanations, for every instruction, from the teacher, but she went on to delete the thread. Poor Tarquin.

Ugh.

Tbf my neice and nephew were awful when they were very young (couldn't stand to see others get birthday presents etc) but now at 8 and 10 have figured out for themselves that it's not on and are much better.

duplo I too have professional involvement with people who often lack parenting skills ( amongst other skills they lack) with very understandable reasons. The difference is, that while their skills/ background etc may sometimes lead them to the wrong conclusion about what constitutes unreasonable or bad behavior in their children, and prevent them dealing with it effectively, they all admit (like any decent parent) that their child can be unreasonable and at least actively attempt to prevent it, even if they aren't successful.
The darling Tarquinella must always be indulged brigade I've only ever seen from parents who are not in anyway deprived, materially or otherwise, or lacking skills in general, and have the resources to learn if parenting skills don't come naturally.
Go to the most deprived area you can find, and the parents lacking skills (usually from hard backgrounds themselves) will be shouting stuff like 'fucking pack it in you little twat'. To get 'please don't do that to mummy dahling' you'd need a nice mc area.

Yy sally/singsong the pfb from dds primary became more isolated throughout. Quite sad at the leaving stuff, because no other kids really bothered to ask for her in photos. Even whole class ones it took adults to note she wasn't in, cos the kids all just checked for their friends. And at the secondary she's going to either she'll reform pronto or be miserable.

YANBU! My son Samuel does not like being called Sam. He is well in his rights to say politely that Sam is not his name and to ask people to call him by his proper name!

The party bag thing is ridiculous. What an absolute twat of a woman expecting you to pull something else out of your arse because something you weren't obligated to give in the first place didn't take her sons fancy! Would of been a bit different if it was a certain food item he was allergic to or something though I suppose

And at the secondary she's going to either she'll reform pronto or be miserable.

Or do what a girl in DD's year did and move 5 times in 4 years after they went to high school. She was permanently excluded from 2 and her mother took her out of 2 because of "bullying" (to her not by by her) and she returned to one of them eventually as it was the only one that would take her after the exclusions. She left school at 15 because she didnt like it.

I know all this because her mother would cheerfully tell me whenever I saw her. It was never ever her DD's fault, she was bullied by the other kids and picked on by the teachers, every single time All the accusations of bullying from the other kids to her where lies made up by the bullies to get her into trouble. As my DD was one of the victims at the first school she left and having seen the little madam in full flow against other kids, I know that her mother is absolutely deluded.

The word NO is always the word that causes tears most in our house. But it gets used.

I have just witnessed at nasty incident where a child was shouting No at a kid to stop him spinning (the child was laughing) and he fell, and now on the way to hospital.