To find it very irritating when parents will go to any length to avoid upsetting their child?

[Audrella]

Even when it means upsetting others in the process just to avoid their precious little flower from being upset.

Yesterday I took DS out with a friend and her DS, who is the same age as my son. My friend spoils her son a lot; he is quite demanding (the boys are 7), and she will do things like start talking to me and he'll make the smallest demand murmur and she will never make him wait, she'll just walk off to do whatever he wants. Anyway, yesterday my friend's DS suddenly started saying that my son's name is short for a really horrible, old fashioned name that was obviously going to wind my DS up. DS came over to me with the other boy and said "My name's not short for X is it, mum?" and I said "no, of course it's not". The other boy then started crying and my friend soothingly murmured "Yes darling, it IS short for X". Rather than tell her son he was wrong!

DS also recently had a party. One child had a tantrum when I gave out the party bags because he didn't like what was in them. Instead of telling him that it was tough luck, the mum kept being all softly softly with him, and hinting to me that he really wanted something else and trying to find out if I had something different he could have (I didn't)

AIBU to find this behaviour annoying and think that we are going to end up with a generation of spoilt, pampered kids!!

There is a child at my daughters school like this. Her mother even admits that shes never made her share because she is the youngest. The child now hits, kicks, bites and actually beats other children (age 5) if she doesn't get her own way.

As far as the mother is concerned she can do no wrong.

I suspect it's the latter. It doesn't matter though because the child continued to do it even though it was upsetting and that is bullying behaviour.

My son has asd. His understanding is that of a 12 - 18 month old. I wouldn't let him near a candle. With the occasion I saw disrupted the child is higher functioning but can be very controlling and I know her parents were worried about her kicking off.

Yanbu to be irritated but a bit petty with the name issue. It could easily have been explained that was the case for many people but that your dc's name was in fact the shortened version and not the traditional name.

That said I have an issue with pandering parents. I recently met up with a friend who lives an 8 hour drive away and her toddler- we don't meet often due to the distance. My Dc is 5. This Toddler dictated our entire morning's activities and had huge throw body on the floor tantrums when we tried to do anything my Dc wanted until I said to her lets do our own thing. I was quite shocked by how little discipline or even explanation was given to the boy and how his mother pandered to every whimper. Even when his mum tried something in the play area herself he had a tantrum as she wasn't allowed to either so she just said 'ok mummy won't do that either'. Now maybe I'm harsh with my child but if she'd done that to me at the same age we'd have had a time out to think about her behaviour and an explanation of why it was inappropriate and about consideration of others. I know I can't judge everyone by my parenting standards but I don't think parents who pander to tantrumy kids are doing them any favours in the long run.

My daughter was once pushed into the road outside school by a nasty spoilt brat of a girl girl from her year, in full view of everyone.

Not only did her mum not say a word about it, she then sent me a shitty text when she got home saying my daughter had upset hers at school that day.

This girl is a complete brat and is horrible to other kids, probably because her every whim is pandered to and she can do no wrong with her parents.

There is a boy in my DS's year at school who is also a total brat, and again there is no discipline from the parents, the mum just looks around and smiles indulgently when he starts as if to say "Awwww isn't he cute?".

It's not the name though is it? I always say "do you know that you are upsetting Alfie saying that?" Answers usually yes ... These kids know its wrong, and adults miss the point ms let them get away with it. That's the point!

I may be wrong, but was the name calling not so much an Alfie/ Alfred type scenario but a Will/Willy, Richard/Dick, John/ Jonnie type thing. If so you are definitely NBU!!

And then they grow up and turn into people like my sister, who cannot cope with not getting her own way over everything, and still throws tantrums at the age of nearly 50 when she thinks someone's going to stand up to her! Of course, being an adult she has some power, so my mother does her very best to not antagonize her for fear of being yelled at and then being ignored completely for the next few months. So if it's a choice of upsetting her, or upsetting me, it's me that gets it everytime. You can imagine how great that makes me feel!

My friend and I have different approaches to this - I won't give in to what I think are unreasonable demands, whereas she will sometimes. Too complicated to go into but I can see why she does this sometimes even if I wouldn't. Anyway my point is, our eldest two children, who are the same age and have known each other since they were babies, are very similar in temperament and despite our different approaches my daughter still kicks off just as much as her son does, and about exactly the same type of stuff.

I used to care for the child of a rich, professional woman who couldn't say no to her little darling or get him to do anything. I literally had to put him in his car seat for her because he wouldn't let her do it. She was putty in his hands.

Yet when she decided she didn't like my charging policy and wanted me to change is just to save her paying for an extra 15mins she might not always want to use, she suddenly became very assertive and hard headed. It was quite bizarre to see TBH. He life would have been so much easier if she'd been prepared to stand up to her own child like that.

I knew someone else who would do anything rather than say no to her toddler. She never got her head round being in charge. He's now 12, everything in their house revolves around what he wants to do, friends he used to have don't want to be around him any more and his mother piles in on every tiny bit of conflict that he's involved in and demands that everybody (children and parents) acknowledge that he is completely blameless in every way.

I dread to think what he'll be like in his mid teens.

I see situations with teenagers who physically assault their parents, smash up the house and threaten them until they get money or whatever they want. Crap, ineffectual parenting with no consequences leads, in extreme cases, to abusive teens who will become abusive adults because they have no respect for their parents (therefore no respect for anyone in authority) and they think the world revolves around their wants and needs. It's really awful parenting and the harm can't ever be fixed.

'It's really awful parenting and the harm can't ever be fixed.'

So true

I was on a training course (work for NHS) the other day and met a clinical psychologist who works with teens who have been excluded from school for agressive behaviour. She said that lots of them also act out massively at home e.g. lashing out at parents, smashing up things in the home etc. She works with the whole family together and says in her experience, the teen's behaviour is almost always down to lack of behaviour management and boundaries from the child's early years.

I work with under 5s and have met quite a few 2-3 year olds who have made me feel very glad that I won't be working with them when they're teenagers! I wish parents who are doing anything for a quiet life now could see how miserable life will be for everyone in a few years time. It's seriously neglectful.

Dd was at school with a boy like this (no SN I add).
All you'd hear in a morning on the yard was "oh David don't do that" as David beat the shit out of some small kid. You'd see his gran some mornings desperately shoving his face full of milky way bars to get him into school. Some mornings she would turn around with a "he doesn't feel like it today".
Someone invited him to a party once in mcdonalds when he was about 8. He was on the tables, running into the car park etc all because he didn't get something he wanted.

Funny thing was I was at school with his mother who's behaviour was exactly the same as she always got what she wanted. Apples don't fall far from trees it seems.

There are parents like this, most people have experienced them at some stage.
I agree with a pp on page 1. Try to avoid them if you can as their children only get worse.
Who knows what the teenage version of the OP's example will be like.
I know it's hard if its a family member you can't avoid though.

The saddest case I've heard of, in terms of long-term consequences, was that of my dad's cousin.

Cousin was brought up like a little prince (my grandad used to call him 'king pin' as a joke. He was centre of his parents' universe and was spoiled rotten as well as pandered to.

Unfortunately as he grew up he developed serious psychological problems. He couldn't deal with being told 'no' as an adult and just couldn't grasp why he couldn't get what he wanted.

He ended up taking his own life in the end. ???? how much of that was due to his upbringing I wouldn't like to say, but it was clear that he couldn't cope with the responsibility of adulthood and dealing with the real world.

It has been suggested that this type of parenting may be a contributary factor in Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

There are some really perfect super mums on here. Well done for being such great parents who never get it wrong!

Pfft. It's not about parents who get it wrong, it's about parents who don't even try.

I think that it's more that parenting is a very difficult job and we are all trying our best. Some people parent differently, but I would not be able to be friends with someone who allowed their child to bully mine.

Friend - Yes it is short for Alfred darling
Me - Actually, no, his name is Alfie, don't lie to your child.

Bogey - from what I know about him, I would suspect that dad's cousin had NPD.

Bogey, I would totally agree with that.

I know a few grown adults that have clearly been super-indulged by their parents throughout their whole lives and it wouldn't surprise me if they all had NPD.

YANBU.
I don't know why some people seem intent on raising demanding bullies.

My sister is like this. Never seems to parent her kids. The oldest is in charge. If she doesnt want to go somewhere they wont, if she wants to eat off mums plate at meal times she gets to, if she doesnt want to go to bed she wont, if she wants to run around the town with no clothes on she will, if she doesnt want her mum(my sis) to wear the tshirt that shes wearing my sister changes into something else.

This child is 3yrs old. Even my 11yr old ds has noticed.

My stepson ticks every box for NPD and was brought up like this, thats what made me think of it.

We are no contact for 2 reasons. One because his father is the only one who ever said no to him or called him on his behaviour and two, because he threatened serious violence to me and his half sister, my DD, we had to get the police involved. He was mid twenties when this happened and to this day does not believe that he did anything wrong.

His mother and my husbands family all treated him like a little prince, even after the police were involved my husbands mother was defending him. Its so terribly destructive. He may well have been like this anyway but never having boundaries or rules has turned him into someone who simply does not acknowledge the rest of the world.

It's not about being perfect, it's about not bowing down to your child. As a parent you are in charge. I have seen a few parents with the car seat thing (half an hour to her in the seat) no way am I spending half an hour trying to get a child in a seat. Your going like it or not, Some things are just not negotiable. You see the same child with a child minder and they're in, 10 seconds flat!! Yes they can choose which friend to play/tv to watch blah... I always think "would I allow an adult friend to speak to me that way? No!

My daughter went through a period of being punched and kicked by a girl at school. The girl was thoroughly obnoxious- even saying incredibly awful things to her about her sister who I was pregnant with at the time ("wouldn't it be funny if your baby was born dead"). We raised it with the school lots and spoke to the parents who fell out with us and now don't speak to us because we weren't happy with their daughter's behaviour.
This child is indulged to the point of the ridiculous. Think parents having to walk while she goes in the car with gps (she must arrive home first). I could go on but have probably sufficiently outed myself already!!

Urgh that child and her parents sound horrible, Singsong.

The parents of the child that pushed my daughter into the road don't speak to me either. It's a blessed relief!