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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find it very irritating when parents will go to any length to avoid upsetting their child?

220 replies

Audrella · 16/08/2015 19:19

Even when it means upsetting others in the process just to avoid their precious little flower from being upset.

Yesterday I took DS out with a friend and her DS, who is the same age as my son. My friend spoils her son a lot; he is quite demanding (the boys are 7), and she will do things like start talking to me and he'll make the smallest demand murmur and she will never make him wait, she'll just walk off to do whatever he wants. Anyway, yesterday my friend's DS suddenly started saying that my son's name is short for a really horrible, old fashioned name that was obviously going to wind my DS up. DS came over to me with the other boy and said "My name's not short for X is it, mum?" and I said "no, of course it's not". The other boy then started crying and my friend soothingly murmured "Yes darling, it IS short for X". Rather than tell her son he was wrong!

DS also recently had a party. One child had a tantrum when I gave out the party bags because he didn't like what was in them. Instead of telling him that it was tough luck, the mum kept being all softly softly with him, and hinting to me that he really wanted something else and trying to find out if I had something different he could have (I didn't)

AIBU to find this behaviour annoying and think that we are going to end up with a generation of spoilt, pampered kids!!

OP posts:
HedgehogAtHome · 16/08/2015 21:15

YANBU. A bit of disappointment builds character and helps children form coping strategies.

Today I heard the phrase 'You think life is hard, but you've only felt the tip of that dick'. Profound.

toomuchtooold · 16/08/2015 21:33

YANBU. I would be a bit embarrassed pulling either of these two stunts with my kids, and they are 3 and a bit.

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 16/08/2015 21:34

I have a lovely friend who is very much into child led everything and pretty much lets them have free rein because she can't bear to stifle their spirit. She hasn't had a proper nights sleep since they were born because they have never had to stay in their own beds. Friends no longer go out with her for lunch because she lets her boys run amok pulling over chairs and running round the cafe. She won't let her own husband have them on his own because he's too strict with them. He's the only one that gives them any boundaries, more like. She's lovely but my God has she got a blind spot where responsible parenting is concerned.

ApocalypseThen · 16/08/2015 21:34

Oh my husband's nieces are like this. It wasn't so bad when they were three, now they're six it's unpleasant and a chore to be in their company. They whine at everything. They're disobedient, defiant, peevish and negative. They have barely a pleasant word, interrupt adults, can't play without supervision, are ungrateful and just rude.

I usually like all children but these are hard to tolerate. And it's all down to the parents who indulge them in really stupid ways, allow themselves to be treated as servants and beg them to "be friends" if they inadvertently make them angry. The only time they put their foot down is if anyone says a word sideways to them.

I get really agitated just looking at it and increasingly would prefer not to have my child anywhere near them.

amarmai · 16/08/2015 21:37

how the hell does this woman feel entitled to rename your son?!

pictish · 16/08/2015 21:45

Yanbu - there are some indulgent twits out there without a grain of perspective or common sense when it comes to their kids, buckling to every whim or want and expecting everyone else to prioritise them too.
It's infuriating.

pictish · 16/08/2015 21:50

I must add that thankfully parents like this do seem to be in the minority. I've not met loads...but yeah, one or two along the way.

YouTheCat · 16/08/2015 21:53

Dd had a friend like this. Her mother prioritised her above even her brother (who was 4/5 years younger). She was spoilt rotten and would tantrum over anything (at 10 and older).

In the end dd worked out for herself what a pain in the arse both mother and daughter were and stopped bothering. That was a relief. Last I heard she threw a massive strop over her mum not forking out £200 for hair extensions (she was 18 at the time) and buggered off to live with her dad.

ollieplimsoles · 16/08/2015 21:55

pictish

Ive only met one or two as well, the worst ones are the parents who expect other people to pander to their kids too.

Give in to your child as much as you like at home, but its unfair to put others out because you cant bare your child to be disappointed.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 16/08/2015 22:11

Dd has a girl in her class like this, and her mother can't understand why said child doesn't get invites to play dates. Example asks child what she wants for tea .. Pizza .. Makes pizza .. Child doesn't want pizza now, wants sausages .. Makes sausages ... Not in my house !

OrionsAccessory · 16/08/2015 22:17

I have friends who do this with their dd. In fact we had a party bag incident with this child at my eldest's last party. Spoilt child wanted more balloons, I had no balloons left. All the other guests had left so spoilt child was demanding to have my dc's balloons, I told her no everyone has one each and there are none left. this would all have been fine as spoilt child is only 4 and had had lots of cake and excitement at a party but instead of just bundling the kid up and shoving her in the car her dad stayed in the hall with her asking my dc if they'd give her their balloons and pandering to his child's tantrum. We had to lock the hall up so were all standing there listening to her have a tantrum because they wouldn't bloody leave!

So I definitely agree that people that do this are a pain in the arse but they're few and far between ime so unlikely to cause the downfall of humanity.

Mermaidhair · 17/08/2015 00:44

Singing happy birthday to other children as they had a tantrum! Oh my lord!

Bogeyface · 17/08/2015 01:03

Just wait until the middle of October, MN will be awash with Uni staff complaining about this years new intakes parents being bonkers because Precious Peter and Darling Daphne cant possibly be expected to live and act as the rest of the students do!

And then again at the end of the year when PP and DD didnt get the results they expected!

This what these parents will be doing in 10 to 15 years.....

One my best friends is like this with her DD's, mainly her eldest as the youngest seems to be naturally less stroppy and demanding, probably as a result of always coming second. I wouldnt mind quite so much but when we get together she moans incessantly about her demaning DD, and I have suggested that she say "no" occasionally and she swears she does. But I have seen her, she doesnt. Just cajoles, negotiates, gives in....and then blows her top and shouts her head off. :(

Bogeyface · 17/08/2015 01:07

Oh and there was another one...I have told this tale before but...

She was utterly ineffectual. At playgroup with Stroppykid( about 3 at the ime) battering the other small children, and him being big for his age, she would say "Dont do that Stroppykid" in a soppy voice, not making a single move to stop him. It was awful because he didnt know how to play with the other kids and was never going to learn because they other kids avoided him, he must have been so lonely and unhappy and of course that makes the behaviour worse.

I saw them a few years later and he was literally kicking the shit out of her in the supermarket because she wouldnt buy him whatever he wanted. She was saying "Oh dont do that darling, it hurts mummy!", bearing in mind he would have been about 8 and a strapping lad at the time.

I dread to think what he will be like as a teenager to her :(

Atenco · 17/08/2015 04:39

Oh so sad and these people are doing their children no favours. There were only six girls in my dd's class in primary school and one of them had had a major health scare when she was five so ever after her parents indulged her every whim. She was showered with expensive presents and allowed to be as cheeky as hell to her parents. The struggle the rest of us mums had to ensure our daughters didn't exclude this girl because of her spoilt behaviour and her inability to enjoy anything...

SugarOnTop · 17/08/2015 05:10

I would love to have it out with SIL but dh would kill me So your dh is a bully...and he allows others to bully his daughter....and you stand by and do as you're told nothing Shock wow!

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 17/08/2015 05:16

DH and I call this behaviour "Tarquinning", as in "don't' do that Tarquin, darling, it's not really very nice to throw stones at the animals, is it, please don't do it Tarquin, try not to hit the baby animals darling, oh he does like throwing things, he's such a strong little boy, what a rascal" etc etc without actually doing anything about the bad behaviour

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 17/08/2015 05:22

How do you work that out, then, Sugar?! I read it that Lauren's DH didn't have a problem with his DD sharing her pancakes with her cousins - perhaps because that was the sort of upbringing he had, if MiL's presents for all the children malarkey is any indicator - and would be cross with Lauren if she caused an argument with SiL on a family holiday. Not that he was a bully

PegsPigs · 17/08/2015 05:33

Very fortunately I don't know any parents like this yet but yes all these examples are not doing the kids any favours in the long run.

Sugar my DH is the most mild mannered, keep the peace kind of guy and he'd probably advise I wind my neck in to avoid an argument on a family holiday whether I had a good point or not just to keep everything harmonious. I would have used the OP's phraseology and he couldn't be further from a bully.

MulberryHandbag · 17/08/2015 06:21

The irony is that if parents treat their children like this in a bid to curry favour from them and be their BFFs, the kids will ultimately end up at best being contemptuous of their parents, at worst despising them.

Some parents fail to see the bigger picture: if you raise bullying brats how do you expect them to treat you as decent human beings would when older?

Moopsboopsmum · 17/08/2015 07:18

There are some really perfect super mums on here. Well done for being such great parents who never get it wrong! Star

bumbleymummy · 17/08/2015 07:40

The party bag thing is rude but if that name can be shortened to your son's name then I would have said something along the lines of what others have suggested "It can be, but not for you".

Yy to parents not wanting to upset their children at the expense of others. We were almost made late one day by a woman who spent 30 mins trying to persuade her child to want to get into the car seat. Hmm We ended up just leaving her there and headed on. I half expected her to be there when we got back!

MulberryHandbag · 17/08/2015 07:50

Thanks moooboop Wink

TenForward82 · 17/08/2015 07:58

There are some really perfect super mums on here. Well done for being such great parents who never get it wrong!

Pfft. It's not about parents who get it wrong, it's about parents who don't even try.

Mamiof3 · 17/08/2015 08:04

I think a lot of parents are like this too. I realise people are sensitive about it as the trend for parenting round here seems to be the 'cannot do any wrong until 18' school of thought where people act like kids are literally never responsible for their actions. I don't think it's going to do them any favours.