To think a 7yo is too young to go out unsupervised? Please help!

[QueenMas]

Please help, I feel sick.

I have just found out that when DD is at her Dad's, he allows her to go to the park on her own with her friends. She only turned 7 a couple of weeks ago, going into year 3 in Sept.

Her father lives semi rurally, on an estate in a quiet village. There isn't much around apart from fields and a couple of shops. I live in Greater London, so a big difference.

I wasn't entirely comfortable with him allowing her to "play out"; although come to terms with it as the children play on the green directly outside their houses (which are in a semi circle), and they have floor to ceiling windows at the front of the house so can be watched at all times.

But now, I find out that she goes to the park without him. It's only around the corner, however it means crossing a road and of course she is completely out of sight while there. AIBU to think this is inappropriate for a (just turned!) 7yo?

I have tried to speak to him about it, he does not see the problem. He hates me so much, he takes anything I say as "causing trouble" rather than thinking of our DD's safety! He eventually "agreed" not to let her go, but I don't trust that for a second, he lies constantly. He is spiteful and would tell DD not to tell me. Only last week, I had to take DD to A&E after she fell off her bike, I thought she had broken something. I called and called, and text to tell him. He did not reply. Who doesn't reply when their child is being taken to hospital?! But he was annoyed with me so didn't care.

I've sent him a video to try and show him my concerns
although I doubt he will watch. As well as stranger danger, I worry about her crossing the road. About not being "briefed" correctly about what to do in an emergency. I feel that she is FAR too young to be out and about unsupervised, she was only 6 a couple of weeks ago fgs!

What can I do? Other than stopping contact, but is that reasonable? I feel this is neglecting my daughter

I grew up in a pretty rural place and we were allowed to go to the park. It was such a small place that everyone knew each other. Everyone's child went out to play.

Big change when we then moved to a London borough!

Op have you see the area her dad lives? Perhaps as he says, there are less dangers there because of where it is, other kids around etc

I wouldn't be happy with this either but then I would tend to be a bit of a worrier about this kind of thing. I just know I would never forgive myself if anything happened to my child as a result of them not being adequately supervised. Fortunately my DH is of the same view but I would hate to be in the OP's position where I would basically have no control over this.

Lazy parenting? How very judgemental .....didn't realise having a child meant entertaining them 24/7...kids play outside all the time where I live, it's no big deal and part of childhood here. My boys have grown up with a healthy mix of activities, supervised and non and having the freedom to simply play with their friends.

Obviously if she doesn't want to go out to play that's different.

YANBU. I would be worried too if my 7 year old was allowed to go to a park out of sight of the house. I am happy for him to play out around the house, but not cross roads, or go any distance from home. That said, as you can see from this thread, lots of people think that is fine, so I think it comes within the normal variation of parenting styles.

Unfortunately I think all you can do is work on teaching your DD the skills she needs to keep her safe, and hope for the best. Realistically the chances of anything happening to her are really really tiny.

There's a sign in our village school (roll 24, years 7) - "it takes a whole village to raise a child".

They're out here in a gang often from 3 and the entire village keeps an eye out for them.

I was out earlier waving for them to come home for lunch but they wouldn't come. I went back outside with binoculars - I'd been gesturing LPG canisters.

I certainly ran free age 3 in the arse end of nowhere.

kidlorne a bus at 7, obviously your parents did not keep a close eye on you as they should. Yes I agree with you regarding the NsPCC website, just because a child is 7, does not mean you turf them out on their own. Each child is different, with different levels of maturity, op you know your dd best, not us. Yes I have seen that video, yes it is shocking. The parents were convinced their 5-9 year old children knew about safety, obviously not. Yes ex is the parent, that does not not mean by the sounds of what you say, knows about safety, and will parent responsibility. Talk to your dad, ask her if she is happy going on her own. If you feel her level of maturity is not safe, then yes contact is not safe for her. You don't know how the other kids safety is either.

This whole rural thing is potentially a bit of a red herring.
I used to use the opportunity when we went into town to teach my dc's about busy roads,waiting for the green man etc,because they simply didn't have the same day in day out experience of crossing roads etc where we used to live.
Kids in rural areas can,also,quite simply,be less streetwise than kids in towns.
In quiet villages there may be little traffic,but they can be busy at certain times of the day,and kids can become lapse about always checking if the traffic is sporadic.
If country lanes are involved there may be cut through drivers taking full advantage of the national speed limit to shave a few minutes off their journey.
There may be no footpaths.

I just think all these factors need taking into account when deciding that rural is safer than urban.

I also grew up in a rural village; I was going to the playing field on my own from about the same age. I could cross the close next to it but not the main road. Some kids need turfing out the house to get them doing something (it's amazing how quickly my 4yo can find something to do after insisting that she's sooooo boooooored!) but I think in your case the anxiety may be more around your exes history.

You can't insist her lets her stay in, but you're right, you can have the safety talk with her, give her a PAYG phone with enough credit to call you/him, and at least make sure that when she goes out she's appropriately dressed and isn't being forced out for unreasonably extended periods to get cold and hungry - if that were happening you could try talking to NSPCC to get their opinion.

(just to clarify - I don't turf my 4yo out onto the street to wander to the park, I send her into the garden!)

If someone sent me that ridiculous video I'd be seriously pissed off. Bad enough that it's being shared on here!

I think your dad was laid back letting you out in London at age 10. I wouldn't allow mine out until 16 if I lived there.

I gave to accompany dd8 as she has ASD and dev delayed, so no way would she go without me for now, ds3 is too young at the moment. No I take her to the park, shops I do not helicopter. We have a good sized garden so kids play out there. If she dident have SN, she would probably be going out on her own with friends 9/10 ish.

Bert why is it ridiculous0, quite worrying really, considering the parents said their children would know what to do if a stranger approaches them.

Well, for starters. Who is that bloke? Who was he doing the "social experiment" on behalf of? How do we know it's not all staged? If it isn't, how many children did he approach before he got the three to go with hm? Had they seen him talking to their mothers? How old were they? And so on.

"
I think your dad was laid back letting you out in London at age 10. I wouldn't allow mine out until 16 if I lived there."

How would they get to school?

I just couldn't let them out in London. I used to work there in the boroughs when I was younger. I would take them to school. I just couldn't imagine even then feeling happy about it tbh!

This is entirely normal in rural places. I think you sound a little crazy.

Not where I live it's not. And that last sentence was unnecessarily unkind.

If you'd live with EA you wouldn't trust him that easily with your DC either.

Around here 7 is the age at which they start playing out with friends. We live in a village with quiet roads where adults will say something if they see a child doing something risky.

I found that video shocking.

It may be an uncomfortable truth,but I think my dc's at 7 would have chatted to the man with the puppy.

I find the whole stranger danger issue confusing,so why wouldn't a child.

People in the village nearby are so friendly.Always like to stop for a chat with the kids.I talk to strangers with dogs.How do you ever make friends if you never talk to strangers? Lots of questions that might make a child unsure...

Ok its not strangers I worry about so much,but older kids playing rough,fights,getting stuck on play equipment,traffic,and egging each other on and general silliness.

It must be very hard having a child with someone who has very different ideas and expectations about parenting; I wouldn't enjoy that at all!

My biggest concern about an under 10 going to the park on their own isn't strangers abducting them or even crossing roads but how they and their friends would cope in an emergency eg falling off a climbing frame and badly hurting themselves. Though if you discuss all the possibilities with your child before they go perhaps these concerns can be overcome.

I still feel 7 is too little though. Although I was a similar age when my older brother and I and our friends would go to the park (a 10 min bike ride away) and spend the whole day there. Anything could have happened! Sometimes things did!!

Op I think your entirely justified to be worried and I am sorry you have had some un pleasant posts really.

Your a worried mother with an ex who sounds like a shit.

your in such a hard and difficult situation and you must be so worried.

I have lived in and grew up in semi rural place and yes - we were propositioned by weirdos, yes 9 year olds were given LSD too!!!

also so what if its a rural close community - how many dc have been taken and killed and abused by the family friend?????usually the child knows their abductor/ abuser than not. So not getting this totally safe rural idyl.

IF your ex was a cautious - sensible man who you knew would die rather then let her be harmed, who had considered all possibilities and made a safe choice THEN I would say - "yes, perhaps - relax a bit, i understand your concerns but he does sound sensible"

But your ex does not sound nice or sensible he sounds like an utter dick.

I have 8 year old and too airey fairy to be let out alone, rural or not. Gets carried away would happily cross road without looking as got distracted, there is no way!

Depends entirely on area and child. Dd did similar at that age. As a group they were all sensible, depending where they were all the kids knew who lived where so there was always a house nearby for help if someone fell over etc. One of those areas where depending on where they were its a case of nearest house for a loo stop. And always within view of a parent if not their own. By 10 dd and her friends were catching the bus into the nearest town and going swimming/ shopping/ cinema etc, never mind playing on the park. And that's not lazy parenting, lazy parenting is not teaching your children independence and safety of a level suited to their age and ability.

YY magical that too. In play ground they run and get teacher, who would they go too>?