To think a 7yo is too young to go out unsupervised? Please help!

[QueenMas]

Please help, I feel sick.

I have just found out that when DD is at her Dad's, he allows her to go to the park on her own with her friends. She only turned 7 a couple of weeks ago, going into year 3 in Sept.

Her father lives semi rurally, on an estate in a quiet village. There isn't much around apart from fields and a couple of shops. I live in Greater London, so a big difference.

I wasn't entirely comfortable with him allowing her to "play out"; although come to terms with it as the children play on the green directly outside their houses (which are in a semi circle), and they have floor to ceiling windows at the front of the house so can be watched at all times.

But now, I find out that she goes to the park without him. It's only around the corner, however it means crossing a road and of course she is completely out of sight while there. AIBU to think this is inappropriate for a (just turned!) 7yo?

I have tried to speak to him about it, he does not see the problem. He hates me so much, he takes anything I say as "causing trouble" rather than thinking of our DD's safety! He eventually "agreed" not to let her go, but I don't trust that for a second, he lies constantly. He is spiteful and would tell DD not to tell me. Only last week, I had to take DD to A&E after she fell off her bike, I thought she had broken something. I called and called, and text to tell him. He did not reply. Who doesn't reply when their child is being taken to hospital?! But he was annoyed with me so didn't care.

I've sent him a video to try and show him my concerns
although I doubt he will watch. As well as stranger danger, I worry about her crossing the road. About not being "briefed" correctly about what to do in an emergency. I feel that she is FAR too young to be out and about unsupervised, she was only 6 a couple of weeks ago fgs!

What can I do? Other than stopping contact, but is that reasonable? I feel this is neglecting my daughter

[ThatBloodyWoman]

I watched a documentary film called Maidentrip on Netflix last night.
It was about the youngest person,Laura Dekker,sailing solo round the world.
At 14.
She lived in Holland,and there were legal cases taken over it,but finally it was ruled she could go.And she did,and she was successful,and by all accounts,at least from what was shown,she appeared to be extremely competent.
Its worth watching -real food for thought.

[Gunpowderplot]

Parents in the UK are on the whole way way more protective than parents in continental Europe, eg Germany. There is no sensible reason for that. It spreads from parent to parent, among people like social workers and the NSPC, etc, and the scaremongering press doesn't help. I am guilty of the same thing - worry about my 10 year old popping to the shops or to the park (big park some distance away) on her own. I know that I am being unreasonable and that it is not fair on the children and is infantilising them. Eg recently I took my 12 year old DD to a party in a town we don't know well. I knew that the venue was very close to the station, so dropped her off at the station and told her to ask some locals if she couldn't find the venue. She started panicking, and wanted me to find the venue for her. Pathetic at her age, and that was more my fault than hers. So I am now making an effort to give her more independence - eg at 13 she has started travelling by longish distance train (no changes) on her own and walking to where she needs to go at the other end (I print out a map for her). It worries me, but she should be more than capable of doing that, if I allow her to. The OP is not unreasonable to be worried, in the context in which she is parenting, but she needs to confront that fear.

[ThatBloodyWoman]

Not weird.

[BastardGoDarkly]

Weird.

[Singsongsung]

I live in a very small village with a great sense of community and my 9 year old doesn't yet go to the park alone.

[ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO]

April jones

That poor soul was out playing and taken by someone who knew her.

[ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO]

I had rural setting - ish and it was not safe.

My DC don't miss out at all, as we go out all the time, they see their friends out with their parents and at under 10 it would never ever occur to them they were being denied their freedoms, because its whats done here.

[CloserToFiftyThanTwenty]

7 year olds here walk themselves to and from school (including crossing roads, though there is a lollipop lady on the busy road outside the school gates). Sometimes taking their younger siblings with them too.

Carrie sums it up really well - different situations, different children, different decisions.

[PrimalLass]

My DD is 7 and I've just started to let her go up to the park for a short while. It very much depends on where you live.

[chompybot]

Carrie is right, its very different if you live in a city or large town.

I would definitely not allow my 7 year old to go to the park unsupervised or even my 9 year old DD. But the park is a long walk across many busy roads.

If the park was nearer, if she was going with friends that I knew, then I would let her at age 9.
DS turns 7 very soon and I would not let him go to a nearby park on his own because he is so irresponsible! He is not very attentive, is in his own world, doesn't listen properly, and has no fear. When we are out he quite often wanders off without telling me where he is going no matter how many times I tell him not to. With him I would not be able to set a particular age, it would depend on how he matures.

DD is 10 this year going into year 5, so I will start letting her walk back from after-school club on her own. The school's policy is that they can be left in the playground on their own from Year 3 (ie 7 years) and can walk to/from school on their own from Year 5 (ie 9 years).

Where we live (London) there are busy roads and the cars drive too fast, some of the driving is appalling, even by parents at the school.
Also even at the park I don't always trust who is there.
You get a lot of dogs at the park who are not controlled properly by their owners. Last time I was at the park a dog ran over and got one of the kids balls and chewed it to shreds, the owner seemed incapable of stopping it. You sometimes get aggressive pitbull type dogs too (and no-one can tell me that there is no risk from aggressive dogs!). I have taught my children not to approach a dog they don't know, and never to stroke a dog without asking the owner first, but you can't account for dogs off leads - I have had to shoo rough dogs away from my kids on more than one occasion.
However when I take them to the park I do try to let them roam free and not hover over them - one of the parks has a small wooded area which they like to explore and we let them go in there by themselves.

The area we live in is actually nice with lots of friendly families, but the fact is that it's London and will never be the same as a rural village. Due to my husband's work we can't live rurally, and actually we aren't sure we want to - my DH grew up in a village and doesn't want to go back to living in one. They are lovely for small kids but not always so fun for teenagers (that is a generalisation, I am aware it depends on the village!). There are lots of other benefits to where we live (huge amounts of culture/activities etc), but free-range kids unfortunately isn't one of them.

I am aware that I'd like them to have more freedom, and they will never have the childhood I have I am trying to build in a few freedoms particularly for my 9 year old, for example we go camping and we let the older kids go off exploring the campsite by themselves.

So it depends on the situation and the child, but I don't think the OP is being unreasonable.

[girliefriend]

Carrie is the voice of reason! (Its only taken 14 pages!)

[BastardGoDarkly]

Sarah was 8, Milly dowler was 13. There's no planning for the very rare maniac.

Children have been abducted from their beds, baths, the back garden, all terrible.

Sarah springs to mind because it's that rare.

Carrie I agree with your post.

[robinia]

If it's a group of seven year olds, then yes, I think they lack the maturity to be able to deal with any situation.
If there are some older children, say 10/11 year olds that's usually fine.

The Sarah Payne abduction always springs to my mind during conversations about giving children independence. Sarah was I believe the youngest at five, the other children were older, but she became separated from them. You have to trust that your older children are ready for the responsibility of looking after the younger ones.

[toconclude]

What a load of overprotective BS in that NSPCC leaflet. My 10 year old was travelling on his own to school and back in the next town by public transport every day. Younger brother - with ASD - could go to the library and back 10 minutes' walk (small town) at 8 or 9. An 11 year old should have long been taught, by careful example and practice, to conduct themselves safely out of the house.
Both now men in their mid 20s, one living entirely independently 200+ miles away and the other would move out if he could afford it. He's currently at a party in London, will be getting the last train back.
A 7 year old in a quiet village? Depends who she's with, but honestly YABU.

[CarrieLouise25]

There are 2 different views (mainly) on here.

I think those that live in a rural village, can see the park, know all the children etc etc are really lucky to live in such a nice area. For these parents, they have weighed up the risks, and believe their child to be safe (or they wouldn't be doing it). It would be wrong to call these parents lazy. It is their choice to parent how they see fit.

The others of us who aren't so lucky to live in such areas, live in cities/towns where roads are all main, parks are full of undesirables, needles found, crime high etc etc we are horrified to think of our children being out in these circumstances at the age of 7, but that's only because we don't have the safer setting as described by most posters on here. We can only picture our own setting. It would be wrong to call these parents control freaks, or to say that our children will hate our guts and want to move out by the age of 16 due to our iron fist parenting.

It's not really fair to judge either side.

There will be happy children who are allowed out, and happy children that aren't allowed out (yet). Equally there are miserable children who are allowed out, and miserable children not allowed out. There is much more to parenting a happy child than allowing a park trip or not.

Each child is an individual, and it's up to the parent when the right time is, based on environment/individual circumstances etc.

[Lurkedforever1]

elfon don't be ridiculous. People are saying kids shouldn't go out for fear of abduction. I was replying on the basis that those of us debating it aren't saying we turf out our kids regardless apart from their sojourns in care. Experiencing independence is completely different to an awful home and being left to fend for yourself. Which should be blatantly obvious.

[ThatBloodyWoman]

That comment about parents in Europe got me thinking.
In a lovely rural village in Spain last year I was struck to see not just the young children of the village,but also the very healthy family dogs playing freely without adult (or human) supervision.
What differences allow these choices I wonder.

[BastardGoDarkly]

Oh come on now, awful homes and being in care are not the same as letting your child have some independence in a responsible way, what a ridiculous comment.

[fakenamefornow]

Do I think it's poor parenting to send a child of just 7 to the park alone? You bet I do! It's hugely risky.

Sorry I just can't take you seriously after that. To suggest that every parent who let's their seven year old go to the park without them, regardless of the circumstances, is guilty of poor parenting is just ridiculous. By that measure almost all parents in Europe plus at least 50% of the parents in the village I live in.

[ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO]

I'd also say with the abductions/ grooming etc which is mainly teenage girls, the ones who have been brought up experiencing independence are far less vulnerable



The girls in the Rotheram et al cases had usually had awful home lives, been in care.

ie - exposure to being on their own and fending for themselves from a young age with no one to look out for them.,

[Iamralphwiggum]

I think I sometimes horget how lucky we are having a park so close and no roads around it. All the children are living a real outdoor childhood which I often forget most don't get to experience.

[BastardGoDarkly]

Yes fake my ds would be devastated to not go with his friends, its a stones throw away and all of his friends go, well, maybe not all at once, but they call for each other and go together.

In regards to partners, and their thoughts, my dh is in full agreement with me, that our boy is fine playing at the park, with us checking intermittently. He comes back regularly to get a drink/ snack/ cars for the slide/ football.

Him and his friends also play here/ each others houses, us parents have each others numbers and we text to say.... send him home, or they're coming to yours.

It's a lovely life for them, one like I had growing up, and I wouldn't begrudge him that through ..... oh but what ifs..

[fakenamefornow]

I can be happy knowing my child is always looked after, I'm happy with that

Yes but is your child?

My mum was very over protective and I was always lagging behind what my friends were allowed to do and for me it was so, so damaging. I had such an unhappy childhood because of it and was desperate to escape, I really needed more freedom. My mum still stands by her parenting choices and defends them by the fact that I'm still alive and was never abducted or run over, never mind the fact that neither were any of my friends.

Some other children might have been able to cope well with that style of parenting, indeed it might have been the best way for them, but it was really wrong for me. If your parenting is making your child unhappy, please listen to them. This isn't a criticism of anyone BTW I suppose it's just that my childhood still really stings 35 years later.

For what it's worth I have an eight year old I don't let go to the park with friends because he's rubbish at crossing the road, I would let his little sister go though but feel I can't let her go and not him so at the moment neither of them go. If I had a 12/13 yo who couldn't go to the corner shop without me, (and this was coming from them) I would worry about them having low confidence and do what I could to build it up, at that age they should most definitely be able to cope with a trip to the local shop, in fact I would say they should cope with a bus ride into town.

[Singsongsung]

I have to agree with those who have suggested that additional children add more risk. My daughter on her own is very sensible. She is bright and capable. However, put her with her peers and she becomes much dafter! Groups of children together tend to egg each other on in a way which isn't always in the interest of safety and sense!

[Singsongsung]

Lamralph- sorry about the delay (we've been to the park). She would have to cross a road (I know that sounds strange but we live on a cul de sac). It's an incredibly quiet road but also the same road that a child was knocked over on (see my pp).
Either way, she's 9 and shockingly enough doesn't possess a phone. I'm not convinced about the merits of sending a child to a park with a phone to be honest. I think with the way my dd1 plays it wouldn't last 5 minutes!