To think a 7yo is too young to go out unsupervised? Please help!

[QueenMas]

Please help, I feel sick.

I have just found out that when DD is at her Dad's, he allows her to go to the park on her own with her friends. She only turned 7 a couple of weeks ago, going into year 3 in Sept.

Her father lives semi rurally, on an estate in a quiet village. There isn't much around apart from fields and a couple of shops. I live in Greater London, so a big difference.

I wasn't entirely comfortable with him allowing her to "play out"; although come to terms with it as the children play on the green directly outside their houses (which are in a semi circle), and they have floor to ceiling windows at the front of the house so can be watched at all times.

But now, I find out that she goes to the park without him. It's only around the corner, however it means crossing a road and of course she is completely out of sight while there. AIBU to think this is inappropriate for a (just turned!) 7yo?

I have tried to speak to him about it, he does not see the problem. He hates me so much, he takes anything I say as "causing trouble" rather than thinking of our DD's safety! He eventually "agreed" not to let her go, but I don't trust that for a second, he lies constantly. He is spiteful and would tell DD not to tell me. Only last week, I had to take DD to A&E after she fell off her bike, I thought she had broken something. I called and called, and text to tell him. He did not reply. Who doesn't reply when their child is being taken to hospital?! But he was annoyed with me so didn't care.

I've sent him a video to try and show him my concerns
although I doubt he will watch. As well as stranger danger, I worry about her crossing the road. About not being "briefed" correctly about what to do in an emergency. I feel that she is FAR too young to be out and about unsupervised, she was only 6 a couple of weeks ago fgs!

What can I do? Other than stopping contact, but is that reasonable? I feel this is neglecting my daughter

When did playing in a park become an adult responsibility?

When my eldest started playing out he was allowed to the park and on the pavement between our house and the park (a cul-de-sac road to cross), before being allowed to go to the park 'the long way round' (no road to cross) and then was given the 'freedom of the estate' (the 'main road'* and a few cuL-de-sacs) and then being allowed to go to the houses of known friends without having to come and tell me first. At 10/11 he was allowed 'off the estate' where he would go and buy sweeties or see school friends who live nearby but not on our estate.
He didn't immediately race up to the sweet shop when he was first allowed to the park because he knew he would get his arse handed to him.
Youngest is at the going to the park the long way around stage.

*By main road I mean the main road of the estate that we live on, not the M25.

If it is at the end of the road singsong why don't you let her go and she can ring you if she wants to come back. That way there is no roads involved.

At age 5 my child was out playing with his friends by himself. Now at age 11 hes more into being stuck in the house on his games console. I dont think there is anything wrong with a child playing out with friends.

Hes 11 and is going into his last year of primary school. We are in scotland.

I feel exactly the opposite singsong. At 10 walking to school alone, it wasn't dd and co who's parents had to go back to taking them after instances of not following rules. It was the ones with their first taste of freedom.
I've noticed with the teens I know, the ones allowed freedom from early on not only have the skills to deal with stuff going wrong, but they don't try and hide stuff from their parents. Friends ds was at a party at just 14, no parents present and when it got gate crashed by older teens and the alcohol got out of hand, he made the mature decision from his experience to ring his dad and went safely home, with no hesitation because he was able to deal with the situation and no fear of being labeled a baby because everyone knows he's always had freedom. The mates that weren't allowed to unsupervised house parties and had lied to parents about their whereabouts didn't have that option or the skills to make that mature decision.

Yanbu. And I say that as someone who was totally unsupervised from about 5!
At just 7, playing out on the green-yes
Crossing a road to a park- no, too young.
Independence is important,but it needs to be built up gradually. I started letting ds call for his friend up the street at 6, play on the local green at 7, call for his friend accross the road and round the corner at 8.
My so called independence as a small child was just roaming the streets, totally naive and unprepared of what to do in an emergency etc. Just chucking them out in the street doesn't create confident, independent children, believe me.
And your ex sounds like a knob OP, and not like he has your daughters best interests at heart.

Apparently a child is abducted every day. That's one child too many.
Regardless if it's someone they know or a stranger, if they were being supervised properly many of these abductions wouldn't happen.

Most of those abductions are teenage girls or by parents - so supervision doesn't really come into it.

"Apparently a child is abducted every day. That's one child too many.
Regardless if it's someone they know or a stranger, if they were being supervised properly many of these abductions wouldn't happen."

Tell us a bit more about these abductions?

"My so called independence as a small child was just roaming the streets, totally naive and unprepared of what to do in an emergency etc. Just chucking them out in the street doesn't create confident, independent children, believe me"

Yep. Chucking 5 year olds out on the street is exactly what this thread is about.

The variables are enormous.
I live on a lane with no footpaths,lots of bends,and the cars that come alone can be in a real hurry,and just don't seem to expect pedestrians.There are good stretches with no houses.
My 10 year old is allowed to play in the village with friends.
But the getting from a to b would daunt some adults,let alone 10 year olds.

I against my better judgement let my 8yo dd go to the park with a friend last summer, its at the end of our road. I went down after half an hr to check on them and they weren't there

I tried not to panic but as I walked back home thought 'right at this exact moment I have no idea where dd is' which was a terrifying thought.

As I walked back I could see dd walking back to the flat from the opposite direction, turned out another boy had suggested calling for someone else and dd had gone with him. Only at the furthest point away had she thought maybe this isn't a good idea and turned back.

We obviously had a long conversation about what she should have done but it made the decision about whether she is old enough to go to the park on her own much easier tbh!

When she is 11yo she will be getting herself to and from school independently, there is a world of difference between 7/8/9yo and 11/12/13 yo imo.

bertrand I was talking about my own experience really, but in any case ops daughter, at just 7, is unlikely to be prepared properly for the level of independence she is given by her father. It might be different if he was the kind of man who could rationally discuss these things with OP.
Independence, and the confidence to make the right decisions, should be built up, little by little.

The perception of risk is odd. My 14 year old is still not allowed to cycle to the station along the road- he has to take the track across the fields. Many of his friends are not allowed to use the track- they have to use the road. Because their parents are more worried about abduction than they are about the dangers of 2 miles of very windy country road with high hedges, no pavements, lots of blind corners, lots of farm traffic and cars going far too fast........

I'd also say with the abductions/ grooming etc which is mainly teenage girls, the ones who have been brought up experiencing independence are far less vulnerable.

The video is just completely outrageous. I wish I could get it banned.

I have to say, traffic is my main issue with children being out and about. I watch ds friends cross the road sometimes, and they look clueless, often not looking. And when the boys are all together they are much busier chatting than checking for cars, it's horrifying.

Its really important to drum road safety into them, but also to make sure they know the very simple rules of being out on their own, which in our house are:
You stay where I expect you to be.in other words, of you say you are going to Bens you go to Bens, you don't wander off to someone else's house ( at 9 I am talking about, probably it's different with older kids)
You are back on time
You don't go with anyone without my permission, including people we know and like.
It's also really important to teach children it's Ok to say no to adults, and not blindly do what they say.
It's up to us as parents to train our children a bit, even though sometimes they won't follow the rules and that's where the grey hairs come from

Lamralph- sorry about the delay (we've been to the park). She would have to cross a road (I know that sounds strange but we live on a cul de sac). It's an incredibly quiet road but also the same road that a child was knocked over on (see my pp).

Either way, she's 9 and shockingly enough doesn't possess a phone. I'm not convinced about the merits of sending a child to a park with a phone to be honest. I think with the way my dd1 plays it wouldn't last 5 minutes!

I have to agree with those who have suggested that additional children add more risk. My daughter on her own is very sensible. She is bright and capable. However, put her with her peers and she becomes much dafter! Groups of children together tend to egg each other on in a way which isn't always in the interest of safety and sense!

I can be happy knowing my child is always looked after, I'm happy with that

Yes but is your child?

My mum was very over protective and I was always lagging behind what my friends were allowed to do and for me it was so, so damaging. I had such an unhappy childhood because of it and was desperate to escape, I really needed more freedom. My mum still stands by her parenting choices and defends them by the fact that I'm still alive and was never abducted or run over, never mind the fact that neither were any of my friends.

Some other children might have been able to cope well with that style of parenting, indeed it might have been the best way for them, but it was really wrong for me. If your parenting is making your child unhappy, please listen to them. This isn't a criticism of anyone BTW I suppose it's just that my childhood still really stings 35 years later.

For what it's worth I have an eight year old I don't let go to the park with friends because he's rubbish at crossing the road, I would let his little sister go though but feel I can't let her go and not him so at the moment neither of them go. If I had a 12/13 yo who couldn't go to the corner shop without me, (and this was coming from them) I would worry about them having low confidence and do what I could to build it up, at that age they should most definitely be able to cope with a trip to the local shop, in fact I would say they should cope with a bus ride into town.

Yes fake my ds would be devastated to not go with his friends, its a stones throw away and all of his friends go, well, maybe not all at once, but they call for each other and go together.

In regards to partners, and their thoughts, my dh is in full agreement with me, that our boy is fine playing at the park, with us checking intermittently. He comes back regularly to get a drink/ snack/ cars for the slide/ football.

Him and his friends also play here/ each others houses, us parents have each others numbers and we text to say.... send him home, or they're coming to yours.

It's a lovely life for them, one like I had growing up, and I wouldn't begrudge him that through ..... oh but what ifs..

I think I sometimes horget how lucky we are having a park so close and no roads around it. All the children are living a real outdoor childhood which I often forget most don't get to experience.

I'd also say with the abductions/ grooming etc which is mainly teenage girls, the ones who have been brought up experiencing independence are far less vulnerable

The girls in the Rotheram et al cases had usually had awful home lives, been in care.

ie - exposure to being on their own and fending for themselves from a young age with no one to look out for them.,