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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re: visitors

362 replies

TopsyRose · 11/08/2015 22:53

Hi,

I know everyone says it, but I am prepared to be told IABU and that I'm being a miserable bitch...

My husband and I have recently relocated 120 miles from where we were living with our 3mo DS. We moved back to where I am from as I suffered with post natal depression (I needed my Family and Friends around me I think - I was very lonely) and also to further our careers.

My PIL want to come and see the baby, I would never ever stop them doing this, but they are insisting on coming at the most inconvenient time. They asked me when was best, I said "any time, any week, apart from Fridays and Saturdays" as my husband does a 15 hour shift on both of these days. They then went on to book a Friday and Saturday at a hotel.

They are saying the hotel is cheaper on these days, but I have looked online and this is not the case. They are not limited to come on just these days as they are both retired.

My husband asked them why they had done this as it is not any cheaper, she said that she should be able to come when she wants, and it is me trying to prevent her from seeing her Son and Grandson, and it is me that causing problems. She also cried down the phone, which obviously guilt tripped my husband.

Maybe IABU but I feel that she has booked it for this time so they see me alone with the baby. When this happens my MIL makes spiteful comments to me, which then causes problems with my husband and I. I feel it is too much for me to deal with.

Sorry this is so long, but if you are still reading AIBU to say "'no, I cannot see you on those dates" and insist if they come, they come on a day my husband is doing a shorter shift, or is off, so he can be with me for moral support?

Thanks

Topsy xx

OP posts:
MeridianB · 01/09/2015 15:55

Good point, hex. She may insist on coming swimming etc.

DoreenLethal · 01/09/2015 15:59

I think you need to tell him once and for all, he is not your boss or your PA, and as such, does not make appointments for you. If he wants his mother in the house, he needs to be present at all times and this decision has been made due to HER past bad behaviour.

If he does not like then tough. Your time is not his to manage. His mother is not your responibility.

KitKatCustard · 01/09/2015 16:03

Just wanted to add my support for you Topsy. I am appalled at the behaviour of your MIL and DH in totally disregarding your wishes. I can't think of any advice better than the wise mnetters have already given.

bedraggledmumoftwo · 01/09/2015 16:07

So furious on your behalf. I remember my in laws saying they didn't need an invitation, well oh yes they bloody do if they want to come to my house!

And your dh should be saying of course you should bring your own food mother, since topsy and I already said we wouldn't be available, you will need to be sorting out your own meals wherever you are staying!

MiddleAgedandConfused · 01/09/2015 16:10

Do we need a MN blockage outside the flat? MIL can't take us all on.

MiddleAgedandConfused · 01/09/2015 16:11

Blockade - not blockage!!!! No idea what a MN blockage would look like!

Celerysoup3 · 01/09/2015 16:20

If they do end up coming in, let them organise themselves. Don't run about after them. It's so rude to hijack your weekend without permission. So entitled. Have you some long day trips you can do?

GloopyGhoul · 01/09/2015 16:30

I have nothing to add to this thread - I'm as cross on OP's behalf as everyone else.

I do, however, love the idea of a network of safe-houses for those looking to escape unwanted visitors! I'm in Hampshire, and happy to provide coffee & knitting in return for good manners and well-maintained personal hygiene.

3littlefrogs · 01/09/2015 17:44

Your DH is a total wuss.

He obviously has no consideration or respect for you. He needs to man up and decide where his priorities lie. Your MIL is going to destroy your mental health and your marriage if he doesn't get a grip.

I am so, so angry on your behalf. Sad

coconutpie · 01/09/2015 18:03

Your DH really is useless in this situation. Do you think you'd be able to tell her straight up yourself? Call / text / email saying "DH seems to have a bit of a problem telling you the truth as he doesn't want to hurt your feelings. However, I don't. This is my home and if I say it is not convenient to visit, I mean it. I am telling you for the final time that I am not available this weekend and as your son is also going to be at work Fri-Sun then there is no point you making the journey over. To reiterate, I am not available so if you are happy to make a wasted journey, work away, but I will not be seeing you, you stupid inconsiderate miserable cow

DarkNavyBlue · 01/09/2015 18:06

Oh god, really feel for you OP. STAND FIRM!!!

bedraggledmumoftwo · 01/09/2015 18:13

Still fuming about this! Your dh really needs to grow a backbone. This is about mummy exerting control and not wanting to accept her ds is an adult and she is no longer calling the shots. Unless there is anything you haven't told us ( ie dh is 15 or pils own your house) then they absolutely will need to be dictated to. You cant dictate when they come to topsytown, but you can dictate when they come to your flat or when you see them and under what conditions. My in laws didn't talk to dh for three months after he finally stood up to them, but I am so glad he did! Maybe we can have a toxic manipulative mils club for support!

If you did want to contact them yourself I have been thinking you could go with suggesting activities for them- eg dear mil from hell, I understand you are finalising plans to visit topsytown this weekend, when, as you know, dh and I are not around, so I thought you might like some suggestions on local activities. It is a shame you couldn't come on a weekday so that you could see us, but since you are going to be making the trip you should check out the museum/exhibition/park/ restaurant. I hope you enjoy the trip, we do love it here. And maybe you will be able to plan a weekday trip to see us all soon. Xx

bedraggledmumoftwo · 01/09/2015 18:17

But first, sit your dh down and shout, scream,and make it clear to him.that you are not seeing them on your own this weekend, and that if he wants to finalise plans with them that will have to include himself. Make it absolutely clear that he needs to cut the apron strings and grow a backbone and that if you cant trust him to defend your interests against his own mother then you cant trust him period.

Fairenuff · 01/09/2015 18:33

I don't think it's necessary to shout and scream at him. In my opinion calm and indifferent will be more effective. Just tell him that you won't be seeing his parents at the weekend or hosting them at your flat so he can make whatever arrangements he likes, as long as they don't infringe on you or your privacy.

Then leave him to it. If they turn up when he's at work just tell them it's not convenient and send them away. You don't have to give a reason, you don't have to hide in your own home or go out, you can simply say I told you it's not convenient, you've wasted your time and money and you've only got yourselves to blame.

DoreenLethal · 01/09/2015 18:42

Definitely don't shout and scream. Calm, direct and specific.

quietbatperson · 01/09/2015 18:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OhBigHairyBollocks · 01/09/2015 19:32

Just Shock at your husband really. Does he actually KNOW how anxious this is making you?!?

I vote for a MN blockage blockade. Whereabouts are you OP Grin

quietbatperson · 01/09/2015 19:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Waltermittythesequel · 01/09/2015 20:13

I'm fuming for you reading through this.

If you don't stand up for yourself now you will have a lifetime of this.

I would send her a text reiterating that you won't be seeing her then I would tell dh he could either respect you or fuck off home with his unbearable mother.

rosieliveson1 · 01/09/2015 20:20

Why on earth would your DH say that? That's THE most unhelpful thing he could have done.
I'd calmly ask him why he expects you to spend your free time entertaining his parents? Would he like to take your gran/and or a n other relative of yours out on his next day off?! Tell him this is your time to plan things for yourself. He needs to call his mother? Explain he has misunderstood. You are NOT available for a visit this weekend and insist that she cancels her trip. So what if it's non refundable. That's not the end of the world. Her arriving on your doorstep could be the beginning of the end of your relationship though! If he refuses, tell him it's not about sides or who gets upset but about respecting your space and your boundaries. His parents are his responsibility. Not yours!

clam · 01/09/2015 20:35

If the boot was on the other foot, and it was your parents wanting to visit whilst you were working, would he be prepared to host them? Even if they weren't as awkward as your mil?

Thought not.

Celerysoup3 · 01/09/2015 20:55

We had a similar problem and I put my foot down, however MIL took the huff and decided not to visit at all if she couldn't visit our newborn on the weekend she specified. I was busy having an enjoyable prearranged birthday celebration meal with baby and good friends but my MIL strung her eldest son into the mix, insighting him to be malicious and bullying towards me with my newborn baby. The whole situation highlighted a lack of respect for DH, thinking she can just order us both around like small children. Telling us to jump and how high. With DH's uncles/aunts, she was more respectful that they have other commitments and time restraints. My IL's have had a long journey learning that we are not at their beck and call. DH has gone from being a soft wimpy manipulated younger child to a family man with kids and lots of responsibilities. I must admit that I told him to 'man up' a couple of times. He found it really upsetting and unnatural to 'man up' but he did. He gained my respect that way.

PegsPigs · 02/09/2015 07:31

You have PND!!!! what is he thinking???

Your unsupportive DH is the problem here. Seriously. He should absolutely not be letting her come much less making plans for her. Take the bull by the horns and send Sheepish text.

grapejuicerocks · 02/09/2015 08:36

As him if he's willing to entertain the aunt you've just visited. But he's to entertain her on his own for three days as you'll be busy. Then put it to him that it's not a nice thought and would be much better if you were there too.
Ditto his parents.

I think the problem you have is more with your dh. It's very worrying that he has no respect whatsoever for your feelings. How is the state of your marriage in general? Does he dictate everything? I just can't imagine that any decent man would expect you to put up with this. Please examine your relationship thoroughly. Is this whole parents to stay, just a symptom of a bad marriage?

If it really is just a blind spot regarding his parents, then make his life harder to say no to you, than them.

AspieAndNT · 02/09/2015 08:48

OP - so what are you going to do?

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