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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re: visitors

362 replies

TopsyRose · 11/08/2015 22:53

Hi,

I know everyone says it, but I am prepared to be told IABU and that I'm being a miserable bitch...

My husband and I have recently relocated 120 miles from where we were living with our 3mo DS. We moved back to where I am from as I suffered with post natal depression (I needed my Family and Friends around me I think - I was very lonely) and also to further our careers.

My PIL want to come and see the baby, I would never ever stop them doing this, but they are insisting on coming at the most inconvenient time. They asked me when was best, I said "any time, any week, apart from Fridays and Saturdays" as my husband does a 15 hour shift on both of these days. They then went on to book a Friday and Saturday at a hotel.

They are saying the hotel is cheaper on these days, but I have looked online and this is not the case. They are not limited to come on just these days as they are both retired.

My husband asked them why they had done this as it is not any cheaper, she said that she should be able to come when she wants, and it is me trying to prevent her from seeing her Son and Grandson, and it is me that causing problems. She also cried down the phone, which obviously guilt tripped my husband.

Maybe IABU but I feel that she has booked it for this time so they see me alone with the baby. When this happens my MIL makes spiteful comments to me, which then causes problems with my husband and I. I feel it is too much for me to deal with.

Sorry this is so long, but if you are still reading AIBU to say "'no, I cannot see you on those dates" and insist if they come, they come on a day my husband is doing a shorter shift, or is off, so he can be with me for moral support?

Thanks

Topsy xx

OP posts:
BitchBags · 31/08/2015 22:52

Wow op it sounds like your mil will just not give up! Don't give into her whatever you do!
I'm glad you had a nice weekend with your auntie though :)

OhBigHairyBollocks · 31/08/2015 23:05

so glad you had a good weekend but OH NO that it is in fact next weekend!!! your mil sounds batshit crazy!!

MintyChops · 01/09/2015 04:22

She sounds dreadful; how stressful for you. Really hoping your DH will step in and deal with/get rid of her. What a nightmare.

DartmoorDoughnut · 01/09/2015 10:45

Oh ffs! So sorry you're going to have to go through all this stress again Sad tell your DH to phone your MIL and TELL her that she will not be seeing any of you Angry

0x530x610x750x630x79 · 01/09/2015 11:29

you do know you can unplug/turn off phones so no tantrums can get through, you can block numbers etc.

NeededANameChangeAnyway · 01/09/2015 11:50

good grief! Your MIL sounds nuts! I agree with previous posters about sticking to your guns, maybe even meet her outside the house - squeeze her in for a coffee somewhere perhaps if she is still insisting on coming on the days you're unavailable.

Good luck!

Original poster
TopsyRose · 01/09/2015 12:09

My husband called her, just had a normal conversation with her. Said its fine for her to bring her own food and will be in touch Thursday to finalise plans. He won't stand up to her at all. We have had a massive argument. Maybe I am being childish but I feel he is more scared of upsetting her than me.

I've told him that there will be no plans. Shes not welcome to come over when I'm there alone. I am just going to go about my weekend as usual, not answer my phone or the door and hope for the best.

OP posts:
GoooRooo · 01/09/2015 12:12

He's being a (cowardly) twat.

TheSkyAtNight · 01/09/2015 12:26

Hope he's taking the weekend off then, Topsy, as you won't be around!

Rainbowlou1 · 01/09/2015 12:26

How awful for you to be in this situation!
My mil is the same so I totally sympathise Flowers

WhatchaMaCalllit · 01/09/2015 12:28

Ok, so your DH didn't reiterate that the weekend isn't good for you both (or mainly you as he'll be out at work) so you now have to step up and send your batshit crazy MIL the text just as Sheepish has suggested. Better still, send her an email and CC your DH in on it. That way he too can see that you're willing to meet with his mum but only on your terms.

Alternatively, on Thursday when your DH says he'll be in touch, let him change dates with his mum and say "Oh sorry mum, I thought you meant the weekend of 12th & 13th Sept not the one of 5th & 6th. I'm working all that weekend and Topsy has plans. Sorry about that."

Tell your DH that it's important that you are not disturbed over the weekend. Your health depends on it. If he isn't around and he wont be as he'll be working , then there isn't anyone who can be host for his parents visit as a result.

Ask your DH why he doesn't mind upsetting you when you've told him a number of times that you don't want his mum visiting when he's not around, yet he'll roll out the red carpet to her and not risk offending her in the slightest?

MiddleAgedandConfused · 01/09/2015 13:12

Your DH is being completely unreasonable. Can you talk this through with him?

TheOddity · 01/09/2015 13:19

Sorry am i missing something here? She told your husband she wouldn't be dictated to?
I get send her a message with Dh copied that just reads: DH seems to be struggling to tell you for fear of hurting your feelings so i am forced to say this myself. I don't want guests all weekend on my own, I want you to visit when I asked. I'm sorry if you saw this as being dictated to but in reality you are a guest in my house, and as such i have the right to dictate that i will not be hosting you on my own. I gore this clears the matter up and i will not be in t all. Please don't make a scene. I made the dates very clear and your refusal to respect that has caused all this grief.

Fairenuff · 01/09/2015 13:35

My husband called her, just had a normal conversation with her. Said its fine for her to bring her own food and will be in touch Thursday to finalise plans.

You are not being childish at all. They are both ignoring your wishes. Who the hell does your husband think he is to be treating you like that. I would be so angry at him it I were you.

Tell him that you don't want here there and if she turns ups you will tell her to her face to fuck off.

He might then want to reconsider how he 'finalises' the plans.

Fabellini · 01/09/2015 13:47

Can I just say.....be careful that she doesn't arrange with your dh to arrive early in the morning so that he lets her into your flat and then goes off to work leaving her there with you.

DaddyPigIsMyParentingGuru · 01/09/2015 13:49

Why is she bringing her own food? Confused

WeAllFloat · 01/09/2015 14:23

Let them talk all they like. Tell your dh, tell him one time....this is not happening. Frankly, after this, I'd never see the old bitch again. She's making her bed, let her lie in it.

0x530x610x750x630x79 · 01/09/2015 14:34

Why is she bringing her own food?
in someones head it is a compromise, so as not to put little wifey out "it is ok, you don't have to cook for them..."

ollieplimsoles · 01/09/2015 14:37

Unbelievable... My mil is totally the same so I understand. Its impossible if your dh doesn't step up and take your side.

MeridianB · 01/09/2015 14:51

Topsy, you are SO not BU. She sounds truly, truly awful.

My only concern about your plan to hide out this weekend is that she might call the police and say she fears you and baby are (hurt) inside as she cannot reach you and was 'expected'. Is this likely? Would she demand that DH comes home from work?

I agree with the previous poster who said she will also plague you with calls and ring on doorbell. Would she buzz other flats to gain entry into the building? She could be knocking at your front door if so.

Sorry to add to the stress. I really feel for you and would hate you to be bombarded with her nonsense like this. Could one or two friends put you and Bubs up over the weekend?

SheepishWoolf · 01/09/2015 15:00

Oh Topsy...... Hurrah! Your DH has finally put his own nuts in the vice ... He's going to be 'in touch' with MIL on Thursday to 'finalise plans' is he? What plans are those then? You haven't got any plans that include your MIL, so presumably those are his plans? So he's staying at home to host then - how lovely and supportive.... No? He isn't staying at home? So, again, what plans is he finalising with his MIL? Because you haven't got any plans....... So what exactly is he thinking he's going to be 'finalising' on Thursday? Other than his packing, so that he can go back home with his mum when she turns up? He is making the call. He has to say something. He can't make promises on your behalf because you won't be bound by them. What IS he going to say? Wink

redshoeblueshoe · 01/09/2015 15:05

Sorry its still going on, she has changed the dates because you originally said Bank Holiday. She is a loon. Your DH really needs to decide if he wants to be mummy's little boy or your DH

AspieAndNT · 01/09/2015 15:11

What a complete looser. I am surprised you have any respect for him.

RockerMummy184 · 01/09/2015 15:15

I've just RTFT and I'm in Shock and so so angry on your behalf! This is no longer about your idiot MIL (although she is a PITA), but about your spineless twit of a 'D'H!

How about you scream, have a tantrum, tell him you're going to need counselling and anti-depressants....oh would you look at that, you have PND! And he's still not sticking up for you!

I'm honestly in shock that anyone could be so fucking inconsiderate (and my husband is pretty bad!) when their wife is ill! (Are any of them aware that you are ill? Is this something else you could use with your husband to reiterate the point that you CAN'T HAVE visitors when you're sick?)

Thankfully there have been some fantastic responses up thread, as I am so angry for you that I have nothing constructive to offer.

I'm also majorly upset that you were thinking it was all going to have been over by now and it's going to drag on for another week!

You don't need this kind of shit in your life right now! You need to be concentrating on getting better and enjoying your new baby. Flowers for you.

HexBramble · 01/09/2015 15:30

Is she likely to want to join you On these 'outings' Topsy? Be ready for an answer if she suggests/demands it.

What kinds of things does she say/do? Maybe we can help you with your defence strategies not that you should bloody need them