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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU re: visitors

362 replies

TopsyRose · 11/08/2015 22:53

Hi,

I know everyone says it, but I am prepared to be told IABU and that I'm being a miserable bitch...

My husband and I have recently relocated 120 miles from where we were living with our 3mo DS. We moved back to where I am from as I suffered with post natal depression (I needed my Family and Friends around me I think - I was very lonely) and also to further our careers.

My PIL want to come and see the baby, I would never ever stop them doing this, but they are insisting on coming at the most inconvenient time. They asked me when was best, I said "any time, any week, apart from Fridays and Saturdays" as my husband does a 15 hour shift on both of these days. They then went on to book a Friday and Saturday at a hotel.

They are saying the hotel is cheaper on these days, but I have looked online and this is not the case. They are not limited to come on just these days as they are both retired.

My husband asked them why they had done this as it is not any cheaper, she said that she should be able to come when she wants, and it is me trying to prevent her from seeing her Son and Grandson, and it is me that causing problems. She also cried down the phone, which obviously guilt tripped my husband.

Maybe IABU but I feel that she has booked it for this time so they see me alone with the baby. When this happens my MIL makes spiteful comments to me, which then causes problems with my husband and I. I feel it is too much for me to deal with.

Sorry this is so long, but if you are still reading AIBU to say "'no, I cannot see you on those dates" and insist if they come, they come on a day my husband is doing a shorter shift, or is off, so he can be with me for moral support?

Thanks

Topsy xx

OP posts:

Original poster

TopsyRose · 30/08/2015 21:26

I did wonder that queenrollo, but I have still got a baby brain at the moment. So I have given her the benefit of the doubt. Just hope she isn't on MN!!

OP posts:

coconutpie · 30/08/2015 21:30

WTAF? She will not be dictated by you?! She is visiting YOUR home, she better get in line and cop onto herself. After hearing that, I would be calling her up and telling her that she is most certainly not welcome to visit and if she calls you will not be answering the door. What is wrong with her? What a bloody freak. She sounds like a complete narcissist. She has no regard for your feelings whatsoever. As a matter of principle, if they visit on those days when your husband is not there, I would refuse to answer the door. This is just fucking ridiculous.

coconutpie · 30/08/2015 21:34

Oh and also, your husband REALLY needs to step up now and protect you. You are dealing with PND, this kind of stress could set you right back into the awfulness of PND, considering your MIL makes spiteful comments to you. Your husband needs to tell them in no uncertain terms that they are not welcome and that any further nasty comments to you and you will not see them again until they start behaving themselves.

BrideOfWankenstein · 30/08/2015 21:44

Wow. She's a bit crazy, isn't she?

liquidrevolution · 30/08/2015 21:52

You can come to mine! I always spoil guests, I even put chocolates on the pillows.

I can't believe you offered a reasonable alternative (midweek) but they say they will visit when they want to

JollyWollyHolidays · 30/08/2015 21:57

I definitely call that she changed the dates, you got it right.
I really believe she is playing the "ha she said she was busy this weekend so let's go the next"
Don't answer her phone calls, don't reply to texts, if she calls on the landline let the answer phone screen them. Do not answer your door. If she turns up and you're going out don't let her sit in the house.
I promise you she has changed the weekend she's comig to mess with you

rollonthesummer · 30/08/2015 21:59

Are you actually going to arrange different things to do? Or just be in the house but ignoring them?

Ed1tY0urPr0f1le · 30/08/2015 22:04

Wow! I agree she has changed the weekend. You might have mixed two weekends in the same month up but next weekend is into September. Surely you wouldn't have got that far muddled. No, I think someone is trying to pull a fast one.

Is there no one you could go to next weekend? If a friend of mine was in a situation like this, I'd be delighted to have them (and their snuggly baby!) to stay, or, at least have them round my house for a large part of the day You have to call her bluff! I know you shouldn't have to leave your home but she needs to know you won't be buldozed. Nightmare woman!

rollonthesummer · 30/08/2015 22:08

MIL's exact words are that she can come whenever she wants and will not be dictated to by us.

God-she sounds awful!

Fairenuff · 30/08/2015 22:11

Oh dear OP. Does this mean that you will be 'squeezing her in' as she suggested, or are you going to ignore her completely?

YouTheCat · 30/08/2015 22:20

I'd be tempted to book into a hotel for a couple of days and bugger off then. Unless you can stand to just endure the inevitable knocking and go into lockdown mode at home.

DoreenLethal · 30/08/2015 22:26

OP - you can't do next weekend love - you are at ours, right?

KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable · 30/08/2015 22:26

MIL's exact words are that she can come whenever she wants and will not be dictated to by us.

That is a direct declaration of war.

This means you no longer have to consider her feelings. You must win.

My own choice would be to book a hotel, Premier Inn or something. Ideally not far away, so you can do all your normal clubs. Don't tell DH until you are heading out the door. He wouldn't have seen you anyway because he'd be at work, so no loss to him, except the money. Consider that a tax on choosing your mother over your wife in an all out war.

Original poster

TopsyRose · 30/08/2015 22:30

You and your home sound lovely liquidrevolution!

I can't afford to go away and don't see why I should have to. I'm think I'm going to do all of the things I usually do those days and get a friend to come and sit with me in the evenings.

The whole thing is making me so anxious. We are in a flat so she can't actually get in. But she can call me and text me and then I don't know what to do!

I sound like a child, it's silly! I just cannot deal with her without my husband being there.

OP posts:

coconutpie · 30/08/2015 22:50

You do not sound like a child! Being in a flat is actually a blessing in disguise now - because you can just not let them in! Yay! Just go about your day. I also believe she changed the dates to mess with you. Do not let her bulldoze you.

YouTheCat · 30/08/2015 22:54

She has definitely changed the dates. Both you and your dh can't have got it wrong.

Enlist as many friends as you can and plan to be out/busy as much as possible.

Is your dh around in the evenings?

CrapBag · 30/08/2015 23:03

Turn your phone off. Don't answer the door/buzzer whatever it is to your flat.

I get anxiety and something like this would definitely set me off. I was so anxious when I had DC1 that I do think it contributed hugely to my PND and the first year or so was just awful and I feel I didn't enjoy DS as much as I wanted to because I worried about everything and anything.

Your DH has to step up. If this is their appalling attitude then this will continue until they are told outright to fuck the fuck off. Does you DH know the weekend for definite? Seems a huge coincidence that it is next weekend instead of this weekend.

rosieliveson1 · 30/08/2015 23:08

Gosh, she truly is a madwoman!
How ridiculous that she don't be 'dictated to'. Visiting when invited and convenient is not being dictated to! I would just call, say clearly whether there are tears, interruptions or whatever "I'm concerned that you still plan to come next week. Please don't. DH is at work and I am not available at all. Don't waste your time. Let's plan a mutually convenient date so we can all have a nice time together." If she tried to interrupt say "please let me finish", if she asks what you're doing say "I have plans with friends".
Don't be swayed. It will only set up more problems for the future.

Inertia · 30/08/2015 23:14

I agree that MIL has probably changed the dates!

She can't call and text if your phone is off, or if you've accidentally blocked her number.

She is free to go to the hotel whenever she wants- however you don't have to see her. Getting a friend round is definitely a good idea, as is being out during the daytime.

DontMindMe1 · 30/08/2015 23:40

just tell her that you won't be home. then switch your mob to silent and pull the plug out of the landline.

WeAllFloat · 31/08/2015 15:26

You're in a flat. This means you have total control here. And, if I were you, I'd turn my phone off, and let dh turn it back on and process every. Single. Text, voicemail, missed call etc and delete them and then ask not to hear any details. It's his batshit crazy mum. You owe her nothing. Nothing at all.

TheSkyAtNight · 31/08/2015 16:06

Unplug your landline as suggested & block her no. on your mobile. All contact goes through dh from now on.

paulapompom · 31/08/2015 16:23

She has definitely changed the dates, it was the bank holiday in August, she is trying to wrong-foot you. Stickto your plans. If you have a friend who is very supportive that would be good. Mil is being vvvvu and a madwoman. Won't be dictated to? That's just ridiculous! Keep strong op.

SheepishWoolf · 31/08/2015 16:28

I too think she's utterly bonkers swapped dates on you and thus thrown down the gauntlet..

Right. Rather than let her play cat & mouse with you over the whole weekend (even if you turn your phone off, and you're in a flat, you might well come back from the shops to find her sitting on your doorstep) your mission now is to put her firmly in a lose/lose situation.

The way you do this is to email/text her to repeat that you are really busy those days (confirming the dates so she can't swap them again) but that if she is dead set on coming on those days you can give her some very specific times at which you could "squeeze her in" - eg Friday 10 - 10.30am or Sat 2.15 - 3pm Sun 4 - 5pm etc. Be absolutely truthful - it is important that these are times when you would actually be in and available to her. Make sure that it is for no longer than 45 mins - an hour absolute tops - and a friend can be there with you at all those times for support. To narrow down these slots as much as possible arrange extra activities if necessary, or block out lumps of time when you will be in but not answering the door, and having at least 2 friends around in the evening..

If she says these times aren't convenient / long enough (just to prove that you can't 'dictate' to her) simply reply that this is why you're asking her to come during the week - this is what weekends are like for you, let alone DH not being around. Make no suggestion that anything can be re-scheduled, if she demands asks you to reschedule, say no these are regular / pre-paid activities or long-organised commitments with friends so that's not going to happen; you actually plan things for the weekend because of DH's working hours which is why you asked her to come during the week She has just allowed you to demonstrate just exactly why weekends in general are a really bad time for visiting. She loses.

Whether or not she protests at the time slots, she will probably make the trip anyway. So just make sure you follow your timetable to the second. If she calls / texts at any of the times that she has been told you won't be in, to say she's on her way over anyway, either you won't pick up because you really will be in the pool etc, or you'll be able to pick up, say you are out (even if you're just hiding) and physically can't be back until whatever time it was you said you would be. She loses.

If she does actually decide to come at a time and for a length of time that you have specified then you will have your friend there for support, and most importantly, you are absolutely and completely 'dictating to her' what access she can have to her DGC. She loses. (If at the end of her scheduled time she protests that she doesn't want to leave so soon, after travelling all this way to see her grandson, simply point out that's exactly why you suggested she came during the week. Hopefully with your friend there she won't make a huge scene - if she literally refuses to leave, simply repeat that you and your friend are comitted elsewhere, invite her to stay for another cuppa if she likes, and to make sure the door locks behind her on the way out. Then leave. )

She is more likely to deliberately come at a time when you said you would be out, without calling ahead, just to prove you can't dictate to her, and you will actually be out/not answering the door. She loses.

Or she might well turn up 10 minutes before the end of the 'slot' you've offered - in this case simply have your friend remind you of your next "appointment", so that you can ask her to leave, even if she's only just got there. As above, if she protests that's she's come such a long way to see her grandson simply remind her that this is why you gave her such a detailed availablity timetable, insist that you and your friend are committed to be elsewhere, invite her to certainly have a cup of tea before she goes and ask her to make sure the door locks behind her when she does. Then leave.

There you are - no blocking her calls (which she would only complain to DH about anyway), no hiding in your own home for random/lengthy periods of time or being afraid to go out in case she'll be there waiting when you get back. You win. And hopefully your prize will be that the message gets across and this is the end of all such nonsense.

PegsPigs · 31/08/2015 19:11

Perfect scenario Sheepish. Then MIL gets to see her DGS for a short period of time (so Topsy isn't totally 'denying her access') but reinforces the 'I told you weekends aren't a good time for me' reasoning. Otherwise MIL will book the same non refundable hotel room every month till DGS is 18!

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