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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow my kids to spend Christmas in an old people's home ?

267 replies

Newbrummie · 11/08/2015 17:52

Long back story I won't bore you with, but ex is in australia. He plans to fly home at Christmas and book two rooms at his mothers sheltered accommodation for him and four children. At first I thought fine I get a break, don't care about Christmas we will do that another time but all my friends and family are telling me I'm mad to allow it. The rooms aren't interconnecting, god knows who lives in this place and frankly it's not much of a Christmas for the kids.
Wwyd ?

OP posts:
LavenderLeigh · 12/08/2015 13:19

They stop the bed getting soaked in wee. End of story .

I have no young children either. Doesn't mean I can sleep eight hours though as I have to get up early for work. So to get everything done I have to manage on less sleep. That's quite normal for loads of people.

But if I had a 5 year old who wet the bed every night then I'd be up every night so that he wasn't sleeping in a wee soaked bed.

designedbynature · 12/08/2015 13:33

I think that the OP is having a hard time on here. I wouldn't be happy with my DC's staying in this kind of arrangement for anything longer than a couple of nights. I would worry that the rooms might not be next to each other or secure, wonder what the ex would be doing when children sleep and who gets to sleep where. How the children will be kept entertained and also how the residents might be disrupted.

I think that the bed wetting situation is an aside.

heidiwine · 12/08/2015 13:43

Been struck by a few things on this thread:

  • you left him because you didn't want to continue wiping his arse for him. That's fine but unfortunately your children NEED you to continue doing a bit of arse wiping for their sakes (they didn't choose any of this). So can I suggest that you attempt to recover some kind of civil relationship with him prior to his trip.
An email would be a start. In this you could let him know that your DS is not dry all night and tell him how he is used to that being managed. You could also ask if he needs help thinking about Christmas presents (he hasn't seen his kids for a year how can he know what they have/want/need). Not your problem and probably his fault but your kids could have a crappy experience if you don't help them with this. It doesn't matter where they are staying as long as they are safe. It does matter that their parents (both of them) are unable to communicate with each other. Perhaps you could even investigate a 3 way mediation session over skype. Your children need two adult parents and it sounds to me like they might have two parents who are not acting like adults (albeit for very different reasons). Please put your children first. I am the child of divorced parents who lived on the other side of the world. 35 years after their divorce I am still struggling with the abandonment and it might surprise you to know that it's my mothers behaviour (we lived with her) that has had the biggest impact on me. I needed her to facilitate a positive relationship for me and my dad. She didn't. I lost out she didn't.
Penfold007 · 12/08/2015 13:49

OP if your meeting your EX at the airport, handing over DCs and then flying off to wherever why can't the children stay in their own home and EX care foe them in familiar surroundings/

NynaevesSister · 12/08/2015 13:51

OP I don't think you are going to get any practical advice here. Also it doesn't sound like there is anything you can do.

Your choices are to let them go or not let them go.

For the reasons you have given I think you would be unreasonable to not let them go unless you think it will be so distressing for them it will traumatise them.

If you really can only communicate via solicitors letter with your ex then there are issues here that are beyond the scope of AIBU to help you.

But how he parents when it is his contact time is up to him. No matter what you think of it and no matter what better ideas you have.

The older two should be more than capable of making sure the 5 year old is OK. Talk it through with them and give them a few strategies to help the 5 year old.

As you have said the kids are really looking forward to seeing their dad. It might be awful for them. It might not be. There's just no way of knowing. As long as he's not abusive then you should just let it go.

You know already from what you've said that if you say anything he will throw his toys out of the pram just to spite you. And the only person that will affect are the children.

spanieleyes · 12/08/2015 13:51

And no I don't want my exhusband in my home, only somebody who hasn't got one would suggest that. It's not an option anyway.
Why not? My ex stays here when he arrives from abroad, that way he gets to see our children ( and as he doesn't have a house here it is easier all round.) Sometimes I am at home, sometimes I'm not. It might not be ideal for me but it is best for the children, and surely that is what is important!

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 12/08/2015 13:58

That's rather unfair, Nynaeves - people have offered the OP quite a lot of good advice. People are trying to help - myself included.

Original poster
Newbrummie · 12/08/2015 14:09

Last time he came in my house he punched me in the face on front of my five year old and that played no small part in my loosing a 7 month pregnancy so no he's not to see or come near me. When I have called skyped in the last few months to try and sort a divorce out that's been dragging on for three years he swears at me. There are some people that cannot be reasoned with. He would like nothing more than for me to facilitate a relationship with him and the children. I refuse on the basis that lady time I posted on here about his antics every response was to cut all contact. I fear that would then create some fantasy super dad figure in their minds so I'm not sure that's the answer either. It's very very difficult.

OP posts:
Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 12/08/2015 14:10

OP - with the wetting thing, don't you lift him? I don't understand how you can leave him to sleep in a wet bed.

MammaTJ · 12/08/2015 14:11

I put him in pull ups he took them off what do you expect me to do sit watching him or night or do I get to go to bed at some point too ?

If he is pulling bit off in his sleep, have you tried a onesie?

You really need to solve this and let the lad have uninterrupted sleep. I say this as a mum to a nearly 9 year old bed wetter. Well, not bed, he wears night pants!

EatShitDerek · 12/08/2015 14:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TwinkieTwinkle · 12/08/2015 14:14

Op, your drip feeding is unbelievable. It's almost like you are deliberately looking for an argument here. Someone suggests something, you shoot it down with information none of us had.

spanieleyes · 12/08/2015 14:14

That's slightly more than just being an arse!

Original poster
Newbrummie · 12/08/2015 14:16

I wasn't expecting to have to justify not allowing my ex husband into my house, he's an ex husband no matter what's gone on my house is my house not his.

OP posts:
ThisNameIsBetterThanMyRealOne · 12/08/2015 14:17

I was brought up in an old peoples home from birth, it did me no harm at all and I spent years there, not just christmas.

rockybalboa · 12/08/2015 14:26

Bloody hell, I have never read such a drip fed thread!!! With an OP who just keeps getting arsier and arsier every time an additional piece of information changes the focus of the original vague and wishy washy question.

However to answer the question: YABU to not let them stay in the sheltered accommodation flat provided there are sufficient beds. There will be outside space for the kids to run around in (elderly people require fresh air too!) and usually the staff who run these sorts of places go all guns blazing to make sure that residents have a lovely Christmas. The residential home my grandparents live in (not sheltered accommodation mind you) brought in a donkey last year for the residents to pet, they loved it. It won't be any different from staying in a hotel (although if you've said up thread what the catering arrangements are, I have missed that) and the elderly residents will love having kids around, esp your DC's grandmother.

Given the background with your DH, and I agree that he does sound like a total arsewipe, I suspect you'd be unhappy about whatever option he was suggesting even if it was two weeks at The Ritz because everything he does irritates you because he is a twat. Which is fair dos and YANBU at all in that respect.

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 12/08/2015 14:29

People were talking about it as a way to relieve your worries about the children sleeping elsewhere though, people aren't mind readers.

Original poster
Newbrummie · 12/08/2015 14:34

And that's what I was trying to focus on not the pantomime that's been the last three years.
The past is in the past but no I'm not prepared to make any contact or have him in the safe space that is my home he abused any latitude he's had previously

OP posts:
Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 12/08/2015 14:38

Are you really sure that you want to leave your children with a man who punched you? You sound annoyed by the whole situation, but weirdly detached. I totally understand that you feel you need a break, but..?

TendonQueen · 12/08/2015 14:47

I am also thinking what AliBabs. From what you've now added in about him I wouldn't leave the country for two weeks while he was in charge of my hamster, never mind kids. Yet you seem determined to do so and to not do anything that might help the kids out, like ringing the accommodation for info, buying an inflatable bed for them - all to prove what you know already, that he's a dick. Except that, as you said yourself, if they have a crap Christmas you'll be dealing with the fallout. It sounds as if that is actually what you want in some reverse way. If it happens, while much of it will be down to him, some of it will have been down to you and your choices.

Original poster
Newbrummie · 12/08/2015 14:53

I feel it's a no win situation. If I stop him having them he will wash his hands of them completely and get to blame me to anyone who will listen. I feel in almost forcing him to see them at least it's his doing not mine. I know he won't go to court or fight to see them so it's all on me whatever happens.
As I said any help I've offered before is thrown back in my face so I just have had to detach completely for my own sanity.

OP posts:
NynaevesSister · 12/08/2015 14:53

STDG you are right and my apologies. A couple if very judgemental posts had got my back up.

OP I think that if you'd put more info about your ex in the original post people would have very different advice. We can only go by what you say and he just sounded like he was a total flake.

An abusive ex who actually punched you in front of your children is something else. No wonder you don't want him in your home. Losing a baby at 7 months is traumatic. So sorry for that. It really goes a long way to understanding how traumatic the whole thing is for you, so that info about your ex was really relevant for people giving you advice.

Lynnm63 · 12/08/2015 15:47

I agree if we'd had all the info we would have offered different advice. From your original post your ex sounded a bit of a drip rather than a violent abuser. Personally I'd stay close to home in case he kicked off during the two weeks so I could rescue my kids, if necessary. With this new information I can see why all contact is through solicitors and you wouldn't want your eldest two discussing sleeping arrangements.

If you don't mind me asking are you comfortable with him having them for two weeks if he's that violent? Are you secretly hoping he will kick off which will prove you right.

NynaevesSister · 12/08/2015 16:13

Oh gosh Lynm did you mean that to sound that way? Are you really suggesting that she is actually hoping her children will suffer violence, just to prove she's right????

You know I really can't believe some of the things people have thought it acceptable to say to the OP in this thread.

ArendelleQueen · 12/08/2015 16:26

I read this thread yesterday, before you shared more information about the violence, and I knew there was more to to it. There always is. This thread isn't about the children staying in sheltered accommodation, it's about their father not making any effort to actual be their parent.

That said, I do think you should let them go. Nothing you've said has made me think they will come to any harm. However, they must be starting to be aware - older ones, at least - that he is a useless father. I caught on at a young age that my dad didn't have a clue what he was doing. He wasn't abusive or neglectful, just lacklustre and useless.

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