To not allow my kids to spend Christmas in an old people's home ?

[Newbrummie]

Long back story I won't bore you with, but ex is in australia. He plans to fly home at Christmas and book two rooms at his mothers sheltered accommodation for him and four children. At first I thought fine I get a break, don't care about Christmas we will do that another time but all my friends and family are telling me I'm mad to allow it. The rooms aren't interconnecting, god knows who lives in this place and frankly it's not much of a Christmas for the kids.
Wwyd ?

I understand your frustration. You've had the 'work' and he's had jack-shit as far as responsibility and costs. But as frustrating and infuriating as that is, you simply cannot put your children at risk (even a minimal risk) for the sake of forcing him to 'do his duty'.

Yes, your eldest is capable of 'watching out' for the younger three, but that's not his/her job and if something were to occur he/she isn't really old enough to do anything. Old enough to tell you afterwards, but not old enough to handle making a decision to call someone (your mum? SS?) for help or 'rescue' if it's needed. Besides, that's too big a burden to put on a 15 year old.

I seriously think you need to rethink your plans. IMHO, someone needs to be able to get to the children within a reasonable period of time if need be. And it appears that you don't have someone you can trust to do that for you.

Ask yourself how you would feel if he punched or verbally abused one of the children (and I can just imagine how well he's going to handle a wet bed every morning) and there was no one your children could turn to to get them away from him.

As far as him 'rewriting history' if you tell him the holiday is off, do you seriously think he isn't already doing that? Do you seriously think that he's going to sit them down and say "Well, I've been a bit of a shit father, haven't I?" or that he tells his friends "Good Lord, I was such a bastard of a husband, it's a wonder that New put up with me for as long as she did!"? Oh hell, no! He's already telling people that it's all your fault, and likely he'll tell the children that you have been preventing him from contact. So don't let that idea influence you.

You're right I know.
Things were relatively civil between us until he needed to paint me as the witch to his new woman and friends because I guess telling her he'd fucked up his second marriage and being divorced for adultery for the second time doesn't look too great does it ?
The kids know, they do deep down, even the little ones. They know he's not here and he's no reason to be there.

I'm a bit at people telling OP to put youngest DC in pull ups. As the mum of dcs who are under the clinic for bedwetting this is absolutely what you should not do. OPs washing sheets every day is the right way. DC need to have a chance to feel wet in the night.

But they should not be left in a bed with urine soaked sheets.
If you aren't prepared to get up in the night and change your 5 year olds bedding, then pull ups are a better idea for the child.

Right .... If he wee's in the night he moves himself and his pillow to the other end of the bed, he doesn't lie in it, if it's that bad or he thinks it's a better plan he gets up and gets in with me then often pee's in my bed too at about 5am at which point we both just get up and start our day. He's not sore, he doesn't smell and he has a bath every morning and usually every night too. I hope that alleviates any concerns.

NB, I don't think you need to explain any more how you are handling the bed wetting

there are several ways to manage it, all with their own pros and cons

I've worked in a dementia setting and was always getting felt up by dirty old men...dementia causes people to lose their inhibitions and do all kinds of strange things they can't help, or some of them know exactly what they're doing and know they'll get away with it unfortunately

Other that that, dementia can cause scary outbursts/shouting/violence and is not pleasant to be around, very rarely did we have kids visit because it just wasn't a nice environment for them. I was always having patients thinking I was their wife/daughter etc and that could be scary for children too.

It's not a "dementia setting" it's sheltered housing

sigh

Snails Op is talking about sheltered housing not a specialised dementia unit. Kids will be with their Dad anyway and it doesn't sound as if their grandmother has dementia.
Problem is their Dad is a bit useless and may not take proper care of them.

Caboodle that is the absolute opposite of the advice I have been given. How is feeling wet going to make the hormone they are lacking suddenly start being produced? It isn't. It just makes them feel cold wet and ashamed. That will only encourage the bed wetting to continue due to emotional upset!

I don't know enough about dementia or Alzheimer's to comment but my friends point was and still is their dad being there is only effectual if he is actually there and the two older ones I strongly suspect will be on their own. I don't know how I feel about them being locked in a room, I know they aren't babies but they have lit candles and set the curtains alight - I doubt they will do that again, but you know what I mean they aren't adults either - I wouldn't have them in a hotel room alone.

You watch he won't even come after all this.

People with advanced dementia WILL NOT be living in Sheltered Housing. Sheltered Housing is there to support people to live independently. Someone with advanced dementia will have moved beyond the support that can be offered.

snails If you've working a "dementia setting", then surely you are aware of the difference between sheltered accommodation/warden assisted accommodation and a care or nursing home that is registered for dementia care. You've spectacularly missed the point of this thread anyway.

OP, you ought to get this moved to Relationships rather than AIBU.

Bedwetting can be very difficult to solve IME. Yes, there are different things to try, but sometimes they don't work, that's why there are entire clinics devoted to the subject. Anyone who hasn't been in the position of having a child with enuresis really hasn't got a clue. When trying the methods one also has to take into account the child's personality. The harsh judgements about this are really not helpful to someone under stress who has been trying her best.

The more I've read, OP, the more I wonder if spending time with this man is healthy for the DCs. The sheltered housing thing will be fine, maybe not the best or most comfortable holiday they've ever had...But if they are not having a good time he will be the one who will have to deal with the consequences. But if you doubt he really can care for them maybe this arrangement should be re-thought?

mammaTJ we have been to 2 clinics in 2 towns and they have both said no pull ups. The reason given to us was because it is not always the lack of hormone, bed wetting can be behavioural, relate to problems with the bladder (or just very deep sleepers like mine); hence the need to feel wet.