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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow my kids to spend Christmas in an old people's home ?

267 replies

Newbrummie · 11/08/2015 17:52

Long back story I won't bore you with, but ex is in australia. He plans to fly home at Christmas and book two rooms at his mothers sheltered accommodation for him and four children. At first I thought fine I get a break, don't care about Christmas we will do that another time but all my friends and family are telling me I'm mad to allow it. The rooms aren't interconnecting, god knows who lives in this place and frankly it's not much of a Christmas for the kids.
Wwyd ?

OP posts:
spanieleyes · 11/08/2015 21:02

My ex also lives abroad and sees the children for a couple of weeks at a time, usually twice a year if he can manage. As he doesn't have a home in this country they have stopped in all sorts of unusual places, sleeping on floors, in tents in back gardens, with friends and family. As well as seeing his children , he also wants to see his family and friends and presumably your ex wants to see his elderly mother as well as his children too?
Mine have managed to survive the experience, I'm sure yours will do too!

ImperialBlether · 11/08/2015 21:06

I looked up a lot of sheltered accommodation in the Chester area for my mum and dad a couple of years ago.

They are self contained flats with a warden and communal area. Guests can usually rent (by the night) small flats with bedroom, living room, kitchen and bathroom. It makes sense he does this if he wants to be with his mum all the time, but mention to the warden that one child won't have a bed and see what they offer.

You sound very resentful, OP. Is it hard for you, having to take care of the children on your own? Do you have other support?

Original poster
Newbrummie · 11/08/2015 21:07

Luckily or unluckily his mother is his only family and he hasn't got any friends so I'm 99% this will be there base, I've no doubt they'll survive. Christmas isn't about surviving though is it as a child I'm sure there's meant to be fun involved. Fingers crossed it'll all be fine because let's face it if it's not they won't want to go again

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 11/08/2015 21:07

Sometimes enormous bribery works. To get rid of DD's soother, we had four nights without it then Elmo flew his huge, noisy, plastic plane in for DD. As a reward. Surely there's something DS wants that would convince him to keep pull-ups on?

As for everything else. Your ex sounds like a knobber but he is their father. So let him deal with the missing bed and the sleeping arrangements. It might not be ideal but the older ones are 11, 13 and 15. They aren't small children and I'm sure they will cope. We've had family in a tent in the back garden before now. Everyone coped.

titchy · 11/08/2015 21:09

Christmas is also about spending time with your family..... It's not just wrapping paper, trifle and telly.

drudgetrudy · 11/08/2015 21:10

If he makes the effort there are a lot of fun things they could do near Chester-if he's not prepared to make an effort they won't have much fun anywhere.
Where they are staying isn't the main issue.

Original poster
Newbrummie · 11/08/2015 21:12

I'm not resentful but I am tired and I suppose at the back of my mind is that if he fucks up their Christmas they a) won't want to go again and b) I'll be picking up the pieces for months. He bought them such crap last year as present, real shite you couldn't even say it was the thought that counted because there was no thought, I ended up having to make it up to them and this year I just simply couldn't.

OP posts:
scarlets · 11/08/2015 21:12

I can see why the OP finds the plan a bit odd. I have never heard of this either. I had visions of everyone sitting in a communal "lounge" in front of the Christmas film on the telly, being all polite.

Having read through the thread, I now think it sounds rather festive. I reckon they'll have fun.

FanOfHermione · 11/08/2015 21:18

There is a big difference between sleeping directly on the floor and sleeping on a mat/inflatable mat though.
I wouldn't want to sleep on the floor directly even for one night. But I ahve no issue going camping for 2 or 3 weeks on a mat.

I do question again: will the children be sleeping in the same room than him? Or is the ex expecting the older children to deal with the younger one, incl the bedwetting?

FanOfHermione · 11/08/2015 21:21

MrsTerry nice to see that bribery has worked for you dc. Mines have never ever gone for it (and neither did the stars and rewards etc for that matter).

2 weeks with pull ups is a lot of bribery....

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/08/2015 21:23

Oh, the stars and stickers were a joke. The bribe had to be sooooo monumental (we would never have got the Elmo plane normally) that it got her attention.

Original poster
Newbrummie · 11/08/2015 21:24

The two older ones will share a room, he and the youngest will have a bed and he will put my 11 year old on the floor, that's what I think will happen.
He won't have the brains to think of a mat.

OP posts:
BackforGood · 11/08/2015 21:26

YABVU. That is all.

yellowdaisies · 11/08/2015 21:27

Best send your 11 year old with camping mat or ready bed then.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 11/08/2015 21:33

So suggest it to him....

BertrandRussell · 11/08/2015 21:44

So send your 11 year old with a ready bed. Sorted.

Original poster
Newbrummie · 11/08/2015 21:46

On the basis that I hate camping I don't have one lying around and tbh this is his shift/his problem we split up because I was sick of wiping his arse for him.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 11/08/2015 21:49

The thing that worries me is that it sounds as though they'll have a crap Christmas. Could they not spend Christmas with you and the rest of the holiday with him?

TendonQueen · 11/08/2015 21:49

I can see that it would be annoying to have to get one, but if it was that or my kid sleeping on the floor, I'd suck it up and get one.

MrsWembley · 11/08/2015 21:52

If you're washing a complete set of bedding everyday on top of everything else, I'm not surprised you're on your knees.

I have slept more nights in my DCs bedroom than I care to think about and no doubt will continue to do so, with one thing or another, but grit your teeth and get him in them. A few nights and he'll realise, ooh, Mummy means it, but maybe Mummy also means the nice treat for if I do as she says...

By the way, do you get your older DCs involved in helping around the home? Or do they get away with saying no to Mummy too? I work hard with my DCs now (though I do feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall sometimes) because I'm hoping sure it will pay off when they are older. Get them helping you and suddenly you won't be struggling so much.

Original poster
Newbrummie · 11/08/2015 21:53

No if I stay home he won't have them the whole two weeks, he will want to recover from his flight then collect them. Bugger that I'm meeting him at the airport, he gets off one plane I get on another

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 11/08/2015 21:53

If he's going into secondary school then he'll find one handy for sleepovers.

But if you'd rather he didn't have one to prove what a crap dad your ex p is, the. Go right ahead.

MrsWembley · 11/08/2015 21:53

(Btw, when I say sleeping in their bedroom, I mean on the floor...)

Original poster
Newbrummie · 11/08/2015 21:56

He's not going to secondary school .... He's 5 .... The older children have been in secondary school a while now and the need for a blow up mattress has not arisen if you'll excuse the pun !

OP posts:
Original poster
Newbrummie · 11/08/2015 21:58

Well I'm sorry mrs Wembly but ain't sleeping on no floor for nobody. I need my eight hours or else it's not pretty the next day and if that means an extra load of washing that the machine can do that's by far the better option.

OP posts:
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