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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow my kids to spend Christmas in an old people's home ?

267 replies

Newbrummie · 11/08/2015 17:52

Long back story I won't bore you with, but ex is in australia. He plans to fly home at Christmas and book two rooms at his mothers sheltered accommodation for him and four children. At first I thought fine I get a break, don't care about Christmas we will do that another time but all my friends and family are telling me I'm mad to allow it. The rooms aren't interconnecting, god knows who lives in this place and frankly it's not much of a Christmas for the kids.
Wwyd ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Newbrummie · 12/08/2015 16:39

He's never been violent to the kids, emotionally abusive yes but I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. He can call me a whore in front of my teen girls and that's fine apparently but I need to put my price aside when I hang up on him for swearing at me and of course there's never any witnesses other than the kids so what do you do ? I hold no cards whatsoever.

OP posts:
ArendelleQueen · 12/08/2015 16:45

What do your girls say about their father? Surely, they are - sadly - more than aware of his failings.

Original poster
Newbrummie · 12/08/2015 16:52

They are sort of resigned to his shortness but he's still their dad I guess .... I find it hard that they refuse to ask him to provide school shoes etc when they know I'm struggling but they won't upset him.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 12/08/2015 17:26

Gosh. And you're handing your children-including a 5 year old- over to this man and leaving the country for two weeks?

Right.

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 12/08/2015 17:28

They won't upset him, because they are scared of him. You should be protecting them from him, instead of handing them to him on a plate for two weeks.

Lynnm63 · 12/08/2015 17:33

No not violence I meant kick off as in try to drop them home, generally moan and spoil their holiday. Not physically hurt them. If. My post suggested that then I apologise unreservedly to the OP and anyone else who felt that was my comment.

AcrossthePond55 · 12/08/2015 17:36

Seriously? I'm with Bertrand. Given the facts as you've dripped them to us, I wouldn't let this man take a dog for the holidays, let alone my children. And frankly, I wouldn't be encouraging them to have a relationship with him, either. NO father is better than a bastard father.

I'm sorry for sounding like a bitch, but how much of this is about you being able to get away on a holiday and how much is really about 'improving' your children's relationship with their (bastard) father.

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 12/08/2015 17:39

And, if you are struggling to buy school shoes for them, how are you going away on holiday for two weeks at Christmas?

I'm really sorry to pick holes, but you've asked a question, rejected all the answers and then given us a whole load of new information so I'm a bit Confused

Bubblesinthesummer · 12/08/2015 17:45

And, if you are struggling to buy school shoes for them, how are you going away on holiday for two weeks at Christmas

Must admit, I agree....

LavenderLeigh · 12/08/2015 17:51

You would really hand over your DC at the airport to a father who is emotionally abusive to them and physically abusive to you and then leave the country for two weeks ?

I couldn't do that. Your youngest is only five and hasn't seen his father for a year plus saw him punch you. I'd be worried about DS missing me, father being emotionally abusive again

scarlets · 12/08/2015 18:08

I've read the fresh information. Even though he's never been physically abusive to them, I'm not sure I could happily leave the youngest one with him, and splitting the siblings at Christmas would be tough, so I'd rethink my plans....

Original poster
Newbrummie · 12/08/2015 18:12

I'm not struggling now, the shoes was in the past again we are over that hurdle now.
I do know what you're saying and yeah I've considered saying no to this Christmas fortnight I really have but then he's off the hook, sails into the sunset and rewrites history when they are older, is that the best thing to do or let them draw their own conclusions sooner rather than later?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 12/08/2015 18:14

This is all one big mess isn't it ?

OP dripped right from the beginning.

Original poster
Newbrummie · 12/08/2015 18:18

I should say we are over that hurdle now because I've withdrawn every penny of my savings, we live in a shit hole and I'm working, not due to anything he's contributed.

My youngest, the eleven year old sent him a video of her in years telling him she missed him, wanted him to come home, live near her so she could see him regularly. His response ? He was trying to get a job and a visa so SHE could move out there and be with him, nevermind that she's been back in the uk now 6 months made friends, settled etc oh no she can go to him. He is a prick.

OP posts:
LavenderLeigh · 12/08/2015 18:19

How about not leaving the country but staying at home where your DC know how to get in contact with you and can come home if they need to?

I don't understand why you would even consider going abroad under the circumstances.
But then I don't understand why you just leave your child to sleep in a wee sodden bed because you need eight hours sleep either.

Original poster
Newbrummie · 12/08/2015 18:20

I'm sorry I didn't wznt to pour all this out on MN, I just feel a bit helpless and I guess drip fed when I felt attacked.

OP posts:
Penfold007 · 12/08/2015 18:31

Newbrummie what do your older children have to say about staying with their father for two weeks? If they are keen to have contact then let him organise accommodation etc etc. You sound at the end of your tether and in need of a break. Do you have any support in RL?

AnyFucker · 12/08/2015 18:36

OP, have you friend and family support ?

Who are you going on holiday with, btw ?

You do sound like you need a break, and tbh your kids staying for a few nights at their grannie's sheltered housing is the least of your problems. I think that is what people are picking up on....the whole thing sounds awful.

Original poster
Newbrummie · 12/08/2015 18:37

Honestly no not really, what can anyone do ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Newbrummie · 12/08/2015 18:39

I was planning to meet my brother in Thailand he's still in Australia as a co insidence, it's all a bit shit and I do feel like everything is an uphill battle with the light at the end being the kids turning 18 and not having to deal with this any more then they will decide with their feet where they wznt to be.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 12/08/2015 18:41

it sounds like you need someone on your side, that is all

drudgetrudy · 12/08/2015 18:43

I guessed this was more about your ex in general than where they are staying. Will they have any other trustworthy relative to turn to whist you are out of the country if it all goes pear-shaped?

Original poster
Newbrummie · 12/08/2015 18:47

No they won't tbh his mother is fucking awful as you might expect, complete hypochondriac who will probably have a fake heart attack whilst he's home for attention as she doesn't like being abandoned by him either but equally she is funding his legal fees to screw me and the kids out if the family home.
I guess my mum is on my side but in terms of practical help not much use, lends £20 here and there that sort of thing but you know her own life, own problems

OP posts:
drudgetrudy · 12/08/2015 18:49

Much as you are desperate for a rest-and I understand that-I would be worried about leaving the country under those circumstances.

Original poster
Newbrummie · 12/08/2015 18:53

Honestly what goes through my mind at times is giving them to him at Christmas and not coming back, to try and force him to be a father but I'm pretty sure he'd leave them and call social services or something rather than miss his flight back to the sunshine. I never would but I just feel utterly fucked over tbh

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