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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow my kids to spend Christmas in an old people's home ?

267 replies

Newbrummie · 11/08/2015 17:52

Long back story I won't bore you with, but ex is in australia. He plans to fly home at Christmas and book two rooms at his mothers sheltered accommodation for him and four children. At first I thought fine I get a break, don't care about Christmas we will do that another time but all my friends and family are telling me I'm mad to allow it. The rooms aren't interconnecting, god knows who lives in this place and frankly it's not much of a Christmas for the kids.
Wwyd ?

OP posts:
MrsWembley · 11/08/2015 22:01

You can't put some chair cushions down and get a fleece out of the cupboard for the sake of your DS for a few nights...Sad

Original poster
Newbrummie · 11/08/2015 22:06

No

OP posts:
Original poster
Newbrummie · 11/08/2015 22:08

No because it won't give the child the hormone that he needs to develop in his brain in order to control his bladder at night, he just needs to grow out of it.

OP posts:
Rainicorn · 12/08/2015 00:02

Op, could he not sleep on the sofa and that way all the DC have beds?

You say you're away the whole time. Is your home out of the question? That way, DC have heir own rooms etc.

MrsWembley · 12/08/2015 00:10

I'm hiding this now. Never had to hide a thread before but I feel so sad that you are making life sooo hard for yourself. Before I go, can I just ask you to consider the fact that your DS's body isn't just going to start producing that hormone (remember, I have a 6yr old DD who is wet every night so I do have some experience) just because you leave them in a pissy wet bed all fucking night, every fucking night.

Your exP is taking them to see Grandma for Christmas. They will have a lovely time. Your exP will have to cope with the wet nights and the DCs will have a fine time, taking turns at camping on the floor. Please read this thread again and listen to some of the fine advice you have had, from people who know of what they speak, in terms of the elderly, sheltered accommodation and not giving your DCs a choice when it comes to what is best for them and the whole family.

Only you know what is best, you are their mother. You get to tell them what to do. Homework, hoovering, tidying their rooms, putting a fucking night-time nappy on, maybe even helping to prepare meals. Hell, the older ones can surely actually cook for you by now (occasionally, obviously)? And then you won't be on your knees at the end of every day.

And that's what makes me saddest of all. Happy mummy happy children? Are you happy?

Tenieht · 12/08/2015 05:40

At least if your small kids have an accident in the bed it will be something the staff have experience with !

Bubblesinthesummer · 12/08/2015 10:49

No if I stay home he won't have them the whole two weeks, he will want to recover from his flight then collect them. Bugger that I'm meeting him at the airport, he gets off one plane I get on another

So stop putting obsticles in the way and finding an argument against virtually all of the advice that has been given Confused

Original poster
Newbrummie · 12/08/2015 11:07

With respect I have considered everything that's been suggested and there are Obsticles otherwise I'd be doing it wouldn't i ?
And no I don't want my exhusband in my home, only somebody who hasn't got one would suggest that. It's not an option anyway.

OP posts:
NynaevesSister · 12/08/2015 11:15

Wow Mrs Wembly. So you always throw a hissy fit whenever people don't take your advice as gospel?

She doesn't leave him lining in piss each night.

There are lots of different reasons for bed wetting. She has clearly sought medical help and advice. But only your way is right?

You are an unbelievably judgemental person. As are others on here.

OP I know you don't want to do things for him. But on the plus side, you don't have to do so every day anymore! You're already taking yourself out of the picture so he doesn't have you as a crutch. Now just sit back and leave the rest of it to him. Send a mat or inflatable bed with the kids, and let him sort the rest out. He is their dad. Even if he cocks it all up they are still going to love him and want to spend time with him next year.

One Christmas isn't going to make a jot of difference in their lives.

It will be fine. And you will get the break you clearly need.

Bubblesinthesummer · 12/08/2015 11:16

You are going on holiday, your ex has come up with workable arrangements for having the children for 2 weeks but you don't like it or the things people have suggested.

What are you going to do then?

Icimoi · 12/08/2015 12:03

For all you know, your ex has arranged with the managers of the accommodation for an extra bed to be moved in. He presumably told them when he booked the rooms how many people would be staying. But would it really hurt you to ask him what arrangements he has made for (a) beds and (b) your youngest child's enuresis?

AndNowItsSeven · 12/08/2015 12:14

Lack of eight hours sleep is part of being a parent op. It's called putting your ds needs before your own.

Original poster
Newbrummie · 12/08/2015 12:31

If I thought for a moment my going without sleep would do any long term good I'd do it in a heart beat. It won't so it would just make all of us miserable. My way works for my family, when I go away I take brolly sheets and ensure the child has his own bed to sleep in. That's called being a parent putting the child's needs before your own, if ex can't afford 5 beds then then person who doesn't get one is him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Newbrummie · 12/08/2015 12:34

For all I know .... And that's rather the point isn't it, I won't know any of this until after the event when it's too late to do anything about it, hence my pondering as to whether to upset the apple cart and ask the question, via a solicitor at expense to me and risk him just turning round and saying if we can't do it my way I'm not coming, because it's never once been me saying he can't have them, he throws his toys out the pram and doesn't take them.

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 12/08/2015 12:44

Could you contact the manager at the Sheltered accomodation directly, Newbrummie? Maybe they'd be able to set your mind at rest.

AndNowItsSeven · 12/08/2015 12:45

Op I don't think think you will ever be convinced that dc sleeping on an air bed whilst visiting relatives is both normal and adequate.

Bubblesinthesummer · 12/08/2015 12:47

Op I don't think think you will ever be convinced that dc sleeping on an air bed whilst visiting relatives is both normal and adequate

I have to agree.

Coffeemarkone · 12/08/2015 12:49

well he has made a plan - best leave him to it IMO

Original poster
Newbrummie · 12/08/2015 12:55

I think you're right, calling the manager will cause world war three im sure. For one night an air bed is fine, I just think if this is how he is expecting to see his kids for the next ten years he needs to get his act together. He doesn't pay child support, lives with some woman who keeps him you'd think when he comes to see them he would be making more of an effort as it's 2/52 weeks wouldn't you?
I am tempted to say no but who does that benefit.

OP posts:
LavenderLeigh · 12/08/2015 13:01

You really sound like you are desperate to find reasons why this holiday is going to be terrible. I hope your relentless negativity doesn't come across to your DC or it will be a self fulfilling prophecy.

If your DS won't wear pull-ups (and I'd have been putting him in a onesie to stop him taking them off in his sleep) then why not use a bed pad so he isn't sleeping in a bed soaked on pee?
Tbh the option of sleeping on the floor sounds much better than the norm on your home of sleeping in wee.

You need your eight hours sleep? That is a luxury most of us can only dream of. I've had one eight hour sleep this whole year and it was lovely, if totally unusual.

Original poster
Newbrummie · 12/08/2015 13:05

Thank you for your message

OP posts:
Original poster
Newbrummie · 12/08/2015 13:08

When you have a 11,13,15 and 5 year old your days of broken sleep are behind you thank god, unless you choose otherwise, the air bed will be covered in wee too btw this isn't an either or option.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 12/08/2015 13:11

You seem to be determined that this stay with their father will be an unmitigated disaster and you are unwilling to do anything to make it more comfortable for them just to spite him.

As far as your son, it isn't be comfortable or healthy to sleep in a pissy bed every night. But if you can't be arsed to make yourself uncomfortable for a few nights of insisting on pull-ups to improve things for your son, then that's your business.

Original poster
Newbrummie · 12/08/2015 13:14

Pull ups do not improve the situation end of story.

OP posts:
Coffeemarkone · 12/08/2015 13:16

honestly Brummie, if you don't want your kids to see their dad at Xmas, why not just come clean and say so?
He has booked a flight from the other side of the world and has found accommodation for them. I do not understand what the problem is.

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