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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow my kids to spend Christmas in an old people's home ?

267 replies

Newbrummie · 11/08/2015 17:52

Long back story I won't bore you with, but ex is in australia. He plans to fly home at Christmas and book two rooms at his mothers sheltered accommodation for him and four children. At first I thought fine I get a break, don't care about Christmas we will do that another time but all my friends and family are telling me I'm mad to allow it. The rooms aren't interconnecting, god knows who lives in this place and frankly it's not much of a Christmas for the kids.
Wwyd ?

OP posts:
yellowdaisies · 11/08/2015 18:25

I would assume that the rooms he's booked would be meant for visiting families. Sheltered flats often have some rooms for that purpose

NewLife4Me · 11/08/2015 18:26

There is a difference between visiting on Christmas day for a while and staying there.
There's no way I'd have my dc there at xmas time, because it's not the place.
I used to help my parents not just at Christmas but one night every week, I saw so many die it was unbelievable.
A real jolly Christmas for kids that want a fun day, not.
Kids come first, especially at Christmas and as OP said they need to let off steam.

drudgetrudy · 11/08/2015 18:26

I don't see the accommodation itself as a problem if the 5 year-old is in with his Dad. Do you think your ex will take them out and about doing things they will enjoy or will they be in the sheltered accommodation all the time. The ones who are aged over 11 may get something out of helping out and learn consideration for others. Also in sheltered accommodation the people living there should be much more able than those living in Nursing homes. I think I would need to know more before deciding if YABU.

Original poster
Newbrummie · 11/08/2015 18:26

Yes and no it's not entirely up to him what he does with them he has to accommodate them safely and securely and provide them with a bed IMO ..... Imagine if I didn't SS would be called no doubt !

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 11/08/2015 18:27

I don't see what the 'issue' is with residents who have Alzheimer's. Confused

My Mum is in assisted living and there are quite a few with Alz and Mum has dementia. None of them is going to attack or molest a child, ffs!!! Most of them are pleased to tears to see a child. There are also attendants there 24/7 if you are worried about their 'safety'.

I can't speak to the suitability of the two eldest being in a separate room, that's a decision each parent should make, but if you would feel it would be OK in a hotel, they'll be fine. Actually, better because facilities usually have staff walking up and down the halls during night hours.

I'd think for the bed wetter, that would be an 'issue' no matter where they stayed, so not sure that's really relevant. I'd put him in 'Goodnites' or equivalent for any nights away from home.

Aging and its effects are a fact of life. My sons have been around 'old folks homes' since they were very little as DH's mother suffered a very slow decline prior to her death. They weren't 'traumatized' and in fact are very sympathetic towards seniors and give hugs and smiles to the residents at Mum's facility. They know that we'll all be there 'someday'.

OTheHugeManatee · 11/08/2015 18:28

YABU. Old age is not an infectious disease. You are being weird and precious.

ADishBestEatenCold · 11/08/2015 18:28

I would have expected that people suffering from Alzheimer's often need a very different kind of care, than would generally be offered by Sheltered accomodation (which in my experience tends to offer residential accomodation for people who retain a good level of independence).

You say that you know for a fact that there are people with Alzheimer's living there, in which case ... given the care level required ... it may be that there is a separate 'Nursing Care' unit attached, to the main Sheltered Accomodation. Not unheard of, and separate and secure (for the safety of all residents).

I think that if you are concerned and, for whatever reason, feel unable to trust your ex's ability to make a decision on this, then perhaps you could arrange to visit the accomodation ahead of time. (sorry, I'm assuming you have never been and that your DCs don't visit their grandmother there).

MrsCs · 11/08/2015 18:28

If it's his time with him and it is family accommodation I don't really see why you get a vote.

Mutt · 11/08/2015 18:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

msgrinch · 11/08/2015 18:29

He's providing accommodation in a safe and secure environment.

Original poster
Newbrummie · 11/08/2015 18:29

I'm hoping if he gets this acommodation cheap he will then have funds to do things with them during the day although last access he had was two weeks after a 6 month absence and he spent it having job interviews whilst they were in a hotel with the mil so his form isn't great.

OP posts:
The5DayChicken · 11/08/2015 18:30

Precisely my experience of it Across, though you were far more articulate than I managed! Smile

poocatcherchampion · 11/08/2015 18:31

I think that it sounds great and good on your dh.

Of course they can sleep on the floor on a trip away. My DC do outside in a tent

Presumably you have made some provision for your youngests bed wetting?

LavenderLeigh · 11/08/2015 18:33

It sounds a great way for them to learn about how Christmas is not all about presents, but spending time with the people you love.

I don't see what the issue is with children sleeping on the floor either - surely that is perfectly normal when visiting family and/or friends?

MrsWembley · 11/08/2015 18:33

Having worked for many years when I was younger with the elderly, I can tell you they will be treated like angels! Spoilt, cosseted, fawned and cooed over. Getting them used to normal treatment, that's the only problem you will have.Grin

As for sleeping on the floor, get a camping SIM and sleeping bags, it'll make it exciting. My two love it. Seriously, they'll be fine!

OrangeVase · 11/08/2015 18:34

Does he "allow" you to visit your family with "his" kids?

That sort of attitude is horrible. Not good for the children, their relationship with their father or the father himself.

You are teaching them that women "own" the kids, that men have to have "permission" to visit family - and all sleeping arrangements have to be approved by Mother. You are pre-supposing that they will probably not have a good time with their father - the "real" Christmas comes later with mother... How will they ever learn the values they need to bring up their own kids?

We want our men to be real fathers but we teach the boys that Daddy can't do it properly and will have to be stopped from doing it his way if Mummy doesn't allow it.

Unless the kids are in real danger their relationship with their father is not something you can control.

FWIW it sounds like a lovely Christmas. Send the 5 yr old with night-time pull ups or whatever they are so that he is not embarrassed.

Original poster
Newbrummie · 11/08/2015 18:34

The provision I make for the youngest is to change the bed every morning, we've tried everything else. It's fine you just wash the boy and the sheets, no way my 11 year is getting in with him though.

OP posts:
MrsWembley · 11/08/2015 18:35

Oh, and if you've a bed-wetter, why isn't he in pull-ups? My DD is 6 and is still in them. I've read countless threads regarding the problem and I'm not going to to worry til next year or so.

MrsWembley · 11/08/2015 18:36

Dear god, you're making a lot of work for yourself! Surely sleeping in a wet bed is affecting his sleep?

youarekiddingme · 11/08/2015 18:37

Is your XH mum living in an retirement village? They usually have sheltered care accomadation as well as residential supported living etc. they also usually have swimming pool and restaurants and are generally happy places -'basically very small villages!
From what you've said then he's just using that as a base, as accomadation for him and the DC's?

For your youngest DS use pull ups or whatever you use at home for his bed wetting.
What I'd want to make sure and be sure of is that the girl of 11 has space and privacy for dressing etc. what sex are 2 eldest?

Other than that I agree to trust the dad to out their best interests at heart unless he's proven otherwise an inability to do that.

WorraLiberty · 11/08/2015 18:38

Yes and no it's not entirely up to him what he does with them he has to accommodate them safely and securely and provide them with a bed IMO .....Imagine if I didn't SS would be called no doubt!

SS would be called if your kids bunked down on the floor for a fortnight?

MrsWembley · 11/08/2015 18:39

They'd be too busy policing all the campsites across the country!!

Hmm
Lynnm63 · 11/08/2015 18:39

Why don't you call the sheltered accomodation yourself asking what the facilities are and what is expected of the children. You could always say it's to ensure the children are happy and to minimise any disruption to the residents. I know that's not why you'd be phoning but that seems a polite white lie, imo.
Then pump your ex for more information about length of stay and what they'll be doing, you can say it's so you pack the correct clothes etc.

What do the children think? Are they looking forward to it? You may be horrified but they may think it's a great adventure.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/08/2015 18:40

If I have the ages right, the youngest is 5 and the rest are tweens and teens? Yes? The two eldest could be in one room, the two youngest in with Dad, youngest in bed with Dad and wearing a diaper? That would work, wouldn't it?

I imagine that four children, over Christmas, in a sheltered place would be in terrible danger; of being spoiled to shit and having their teeth fall out with sweets.

Moreisnnogedag · 11/08/2015 18:40

I'd leave him to it. I must admit there's no way I'm sleeping on the floor so a kid can have a bed!

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