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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not allow my kids to spend Christmas in an old people's home ?

267 replies

Newbrummie · 11/08/2015 17:52

Long back story I won't bore you with, but ex is in australia. He plans to fly home at Christmas and book two rooms at his mothers sheltered accommodation for him and four children. At first I thought fine I get a break, don't care about Christmas we will do that another time but all my friends and family are telling me I'm mad to allow it. The rooms aren't interconnecting, god knows who lives in this place and frankly it's not much of a Christmas for the kids.
Wwyd ?

OP posts:

BYOSnowman · 11/08/2015 18:56

If your youngest two are 5 and 11 the oldest two are big enough to share an unconnected room. Maybe they put a camp bed up for a child in one of the rooms.

The5DayChicken · 11/08/2015 18:56

Correct me if I've gotten the wrong end of the stick OP...

You don't want any of the DC to sleep on the floor and think SS would get involved if you allowed it at home.

But your youngest wets the bed in the night without a pull up, then sleeps in a wet bed until you change sheets each morning?

MrsWembley · 11/08/2015 18:57

Every now and again I try a few nights with DD without pull-ups, just to see how she'll do. It takes less than a week before the broken sleep shows in her attitude, her concentration levels and her general mood and I have to put her back in them.

He's 5. You're his mother. We have a phrase on this house and it's going to stay til they leave for college - Mother Knows Best!

hibbledobble · 11/08/2015 19:00

Old people's home sounds fine.

I think people are being mean regarding the bed wetting. How is it possible to force a 5 year old go wear pull ups? If they don't want to wear them, they will rip them off as soon as you leave the room.

Bed wetting is a nightmare. Have you tried the alarms?

Icimoi · 11/08/2015 19:01

Why is Chester any colder or darker than the rest of the UK?

AndNowItsSeven · 11/08/2015 19:02

If your 3rd child is 11 your eldest is old enough to supervise the five year old.
However your comment that want to spend Xmas without your dc as your " need a break" is really upsetting. Your dc should be spending Xmas with their df for their benefit not yours! Yes parents need a break , however to want a break at Xmas time is
As for the bed issue an air bed would be fine for two night for the 11 year old. Do you think SS remove every child that goes camping?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 11/08/2015 19:02

Could you have a chat with the manager of the sheltered accomodation, Newbrummie? Maybe if you were able to talk over some of your concerns with them, it would set your mind at rest. For example, it might well be that the guest accomodation is separate from the residents' accomodation - I can absolutely understand why you would be worried about someone wandering into the children's room during the night - not that the elderly person would do anything wrong or hurt your children, but it could be a scary experience.

Fwiw, I spent one of my university vacations working at a care home - I was a qualified nurse - I 'lived-in', and my accomodation was separate to the residents' rooms.

Re. the bed wetting - I had this issue with ds1, and a couple of things helped us. In the short term, we used to 'lift' him when we went to bed, and take him for a wee, and that did give us more dry nights. When he didn't grow out of it, we used an enuresis alarm mat, that woke him (and us) when he started to wee - that cured 95% of the problem, and we went back to lifting him, and between those two approaches, he was dry - and we finally plucked up the courage to stop lifting him - and he stayed dry.

ShatnersBassoon · 11/08/2015 19:04

The pull-ups aren't optional when he's stopping away from home.

A few nights with grandma will be great fun.

Sleeping arrangements will be sufficient. Their dad isn't going to put them in drawers.

Sheltered accommodation isn't a Victorian lunatic asylum. Residents will most be like the people you see in the street every day.

TendonQueen · 11/08/2015 19:05

As a pp suggested, you really need to ring the accommodation yourself and ask questions so you know how it will all work. It may be that you could bring in inflatable beds if there aren't enough (cheap ones less than £10 and then you've got them for other occasions). I second everyone else about the pull ups. And I wouldn't want to go 2 solid weeks without seeing my kids at Christmas so I find your statement about 'if he comes, he's having them for the full two weeks' a bit cutting off your nose to spite your face. But it's your call on that.

TendonQueen · 11/08/2015 19:07

PS I'm aware that their father goes much longer than two weeks without seeing them, and of course that is worse - so much so that it seems unthinkable to me. Sadly, again, his call.

Queeltie · 11/08/2015 19:07

People with alzheimers who are in sheltered accommodation, will be at the very mild end. They are essentially living independently, with help there if they need it.
They may be irritating neighbours for someone living there, but they won't be any kind of problem for your DCs.

Original poster

Newbrummie · 11/08/2015 19:07

I didn't ask him to come at Christmas so I could go off on the piss for two weeks, it's his year he's having them !
The bedding wetting is relevant in that it stops him sharing a bed, his room doesn't stink, his mattress isn't stained and yes it's extra work, that's kids for you. No big deal. I put him in pull ups he took them off what do you expect me to do sit watching him or night or do I get to go to bed at some point too ?

OP posts:

FanOfHermione · 11/08/2015 19:08

OK I wouldn't leave two five years oold on their own in a room, even adjacent. I wouldn't leave one of them with an 11yo either (It's not up to her to take the responsibility to look after said 5yo, or to calm them down at night or to sort out a wet bed etc...).

I have no issue with sleeping on the floor as long as there is some sort of mattress underneath (eg sleeping mat used for camping) but I'm wondering if your ex will have anything like this at hand if he is flying from so far away. Would you have a coupe of mattresses yourself?

As for the residents... I wouldsn't see any issue IF and only IF said children are under constant supervision.
There might be some issue with some residents but the children might also be an issue for said residents if they want some peace and quiet and the children are left running around the corridors...

bimandbam · 11/08/2015 19:08

It would depend what t

BYOSnowman · 11/08/2015 19:11

How old are the older two?

duckyneedsaclean · 11/08/2015 19:11

Newbrummie This thread's a bit mental. I haven't seen you say anything derogatory about the elderly but you seem to be getting told off for it a lot.

MrsWembley · 11/08/2015 19:12

Regarding the pull-ups, what do you think he thinks now you've let him get away with it for so long? He thinks he can do what he wants, that's what!

What about other stuff he doesn't want to do? What if he doesn't want to see his DF?

HemanOrSheRa · 11/08/2015 19:13

I work in Sheltered Housing. I would contact the Warden/Housing Officer and speak to them about the guest accomodation. Most of our blocks are extremely quiet over the Christmas period. A lot of people will go away to stay with their families. Plus, everyone has their own flat. It wouldn't be rooms with open doors and people wandering all over the place. I can't see there being anymore risk than if they were staying in a hotel. Probably less.

winewolfhowls · 11/08/2015 19:13

Perhaps if you tried to let go a bit perhaps their dad might visit another time in the year or at least for longer

Sorry but it does sound like you are looking for problems,

WhetherOrNot · 11/08/2015 19:14

I put him in pull ups he took them off what do you expect me to do sit watching him or night or do I get to go to bed at some point too ?

Put them back on him, again and again and again until he gets the message - it is non negotiable. He loses TV time, game time, etc. etc. until he wears them. He's got you running around with no consequences for him whatsoever!

bimandbam · 11/08/2015 19:16

Sorry posted too soon.

It would depend what type of home it was. I have family that work in care. Some of the homes are full of sprightly oaps. They are well run and nice places to be.

Some aren't. Some of them are end of life care facilities. Some have secure units for those folks who have mental health issues. In one my friend works in deaths are a common part of her job. Maybe one every couple of weeks.

While death is a part of life it is not something I would want my dcs exposed to unnecessarily. Especially at Christmas in a strange place with a father who can't be that involved in their lives as he lives the other side of the world.

So I would want reassurance that the home was one suitable for dcs to spend 2 weeks in. I just don't think I can see how he will entertain them either. The weather will be rubbish. It's not like he will be able to have them out and about all day.

I would be keeping the kids at home and telling him to stay in the home and collect them each day. Maybe for a night or two it would be ok. But not 2 weeks.

Original poster

Newbrummie · 11/08/2015 19:16

Let go ? Pmsl he brought them back three days early last time as they gave his mother a headache (he wanted to get his end wet, new girlfriend came home, doesn't like kids).

Hence there is no way I will stop them going either way, I'm leaving the country so he HAS to have them for a fortnight !

OP posts:

EatShitDerek · 11/08/2015 19:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bittapitta · 11/08/2015 19:18

OP - let's get back to basics, there is a difference between an "old people's home" (your title) and "sheltered accommodation" (your post). The latter would be lovely place to spend Christmas - as you've understood it, they have their own rooms and they get to see granny (and brighten up the other oldies Christmas!). Granny will have her own room or flat too so it won't be cramped or surrounded by strangers the whole time.

I agree with someone upthread that you decided over a long enough period that he was capable of being a father. Let him get on with it. nothing you describe sounds neglectful or terrible, in fact keep your nose out and enjoy your break!

WhetherOrNot · 11/08/2015 19:19

I'm leaving the country so he HAS to have them for a fortnight !

I wonder how long it will take for HIM to get fed up with pissy beds !!

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