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AIBU?

To not allow my kids to spend Christmas in an old people's home ?

267 replies

Newbrummie · 11/08/2015 17:52

Long back story I won't bore you with, but ex is in australia. He plans to fly home at Christmas and book two rooms at his mothers sheltered accommodation for him and four children. At first I thought fine I get a break, don't care about Christmas we will do that another time but all my friends and family are telling me I'm mad to allow it. The rooms aren't interconnecting, god knows who lives in this place and frankly it's not much of a Christmas for the kids.
Wwyd ?

OP posts:

Report

Newbrummie · 11/08/2015 19:20

Good luck to him if he cracks it great !

OP posts:

The5DayChicken · 11/08/2015 19:22

If he has to have them OP, your opinion on where he has them isn't really relevant, is it?

MrsWembley · 11/08/2015 19:22

No, he'll probably just give him no choice.

Good idea? Hmm?

WhetherOrNot · 11/08/2015 19:22

Well, you're obviously not that bothered - hopefully he WILL be.

Newbrummie · 11/08/2015 19:24

I'm not bothered at all, I change the bed no big deal. He'll grow out of it that's the medical advice I've been given.

OP posts:

NynaevesSister · 11/08/2015 19:25

Ignore the people who are commenting without properly reading!

The arrangement with your youngest sounds sensible. We did similar. Possibly he's like son, just doesn't wake up. Too deep a sleep. Didn't make a deal about it - we have disposable mats on the bed. He would get up, change pyjamas (we put them out so even half asleep he finds them easy enough) then get into bed with us or swap to the dry end (6 foot length bed).

We also used a reusuable mat. This was quilted in material. He slept on it and if wet himself could just pull it off and climb back in.

When we travelled or stayed elsewhere we took his pod sleeping bag. Put that on top of the bed, if he had an accident then he changed pjs, took the bag off and got into the bed. We could wash the sleeping bag or if not possible, wipe it down with dettol wipes and turn inside out (it was reversible). That might be an option.

Talk it through with your ex and talk it through with your older children so they can help.

I fully understand the Alzhiemers concerns. My dad has this and lives in a specialist dementia ward. He forgets which is his room and goes in to other rooms. He can the. Get distressed if there's someone else in there. Again talk to your husband, see if the rooms have doors that can be locked from the inside. Ask him if you can call the home and ask them to talk you through all this so you can make sure the kids are prepared and have everything they need - they only get two weeks with him so you don't want them wasting any time on things that can be avoided (make this the point when you talk to him).

Newbrummie · 11/08/2015 19:30

It'll be through solicitors if there's any discussions hence asking the question before I waste £50 on a letter about this.
I just wondered what the concenus was, I would never expect the kids to sleep on the floor and thinking about wetting the carpet wouldn't be very good would it ?

OP posts:

MrsWembley · 11/08/2015 19:35

Again, seriously, have you never heard of camping!

And it's sheltered accommodation, not a nursing home. Read people's posts about the difference! I've worked in homes and worked in sheltered accommodation - very different kettles of fish!!!

And is he really not suffering from broken sleep? How does he do at school? If you're coping with that then hats off to you!

TendonQueen · 11/08/2015 19:35

Like I said, cheap inflatable beds. About 8 for singles last time I looked and then if one gets wrecked with bed wetting it doesn't much matter.

NynaevesSister · 11/08/2015 19:36

What happens while they are with your ex is really up to your ex. But I fully understand your concerns. They have two weeks to spend time with their dad a year - if that. A grandmother who sounds elderly with health issues who is maybe losing her tolerance to be around children and young people, as the elderly can do.

Also you need a parenting break yourself. If the two of you lived together you'd get lots of little breaks, if he lived in the UK you might get them spread throughout the year. As it stands it's just one block of two weeks. You need time to get yourself recharged not worrying about the kids all the time or having to drop everything to go get them because he can't cope.

It will work out.

Lynnm63 · 11/08/2015 19:36

Apologies if I missed the ages of the oldest two.
Surely you can contact him direct, even if in writing, without paying a solicitor to write to him. It's reasonable for you to know tgerapy arrangements so you can ensure the children have everything they need for the full two weeks particularly as you're not going to be at home for them to pop back for forgotten items.

winewolfhowls · 11/08/2015 19:36

Anyone can sleep on a floor though like as mentioned above campers or a lot of people around the world. As long as they will be warm.

What does the 11year old think because they are old enough to contribute an opinion

Newbrummie · 11/08/2015 19:38

He's doing brilliantly at school thank you for asking, completely dry in the day btw, it's a developmental issue one of my other children suffered with too as many many do.

I fucking hate camping personally.
Kids have never been and never have they slept on a floor if I can't provide a bed they don't go or I book an adequate hotel room. I thought that was normal tbh

OP posts:

Lynnm63 · 11/08/2015 19:38

Do the oldest two have contact with him? Can they ask him these questions from them rather than from you? It might be less confrontational from the elder children especially as you mentioned contact through solicitors.

MrsWembley · 11/08/2015 19:39

http://drynites.co.uk/products/drynites-bed-mats/

NynaevesSister · 11/08/2015 19:41

Ah just saw your note about the solicitors. That's a shame and makes a big difference!

No I don't think you are out of order about sleeping on the floor. For two weeks! Even if we go camping I take a foam mat and if for more than two nights then an inflatable.

Gosh £50!

Can you call the accommodation and ask the about locks, camp/spare beds and supervision of residents? If so do that first then set it out. You can also ask about facilities for visitors and if children can run about anywhere.

If it turns out the doors have inside locks or you're happy with the facilities arrangements for residents, and they have camp beds then you are sorted. If not and you've still got concerns you can address them in the letter then.

MrsWembley · 11/08/2015 19:41

^Normal!!!!
^
My DCs go camping about five times a year. They've been to a hotel three times in their lives...

hesterton · 11/08/2015 19:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lynnm63 · 11/08/2015 19:44

I know nynaevesSister £50, im in the wrong job

NynaevesSister · 11/08/2015 19:46

No it is NOT normal to sleep on a floor for two weeks. Honestly are people actually reading what the OP is writing?

I think that you are either given it in writing that the sleeping arrangements are adequate or you are fully reasonable to say they can't go.

Also if you think the home isn't suitable - if the rooms aren't adjacent for example. Or the children will be confined to the room whenever they are there because there's no where appropriate for a 5 year old to play normally.

NynaevesSister · 11/08/2015 19:49

Mrs Wembley I love camping but I can't imagine sleeping straight on the ground for two weeks. Or even one night. I take a foam mat with me at the very least.

BYOSnowman · 11/08/2015 19:50

We don't know how many nights or if they have an extra bed for a small child or how old the older two kids are

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NynaevesSister · 11/08/2015 19:57

True but he has the kids for two weeks so there is a strong possibility that's where they will be. The OP has only been given sketchy info from his mother. She's told the OP that he's booked two rooms, but not for how many nights, and that there are four single beds. The grandmother thinks one of the children will sleep on the floor.

She can only talk to the ex through solicitors letter and that costs £50.

It would be unfair on the children to use them to talk to their dad about this, and it is a good thing the OP isn't even considering that as an option.

BYOSnowman · 11/08/2015 19:59

Depending how old the older two are it wouldn't be unreasonable for them to talk to their dad about what the plan is. Although that assumes regular contact and normal conversations though

PosterEh · 11/08/2015 20:01

I spent last Christmas in the guest flat of sheltered accommodation. It was an individual flat with lockable door. It had a living room, dining area, kitchen and a bathroom. We had a double bed and my dd slept on an inflatable mattress (ds was in a travel cot). Aside from a call button you couldn't tell you weren't in a holiday apartment.
Mil also had her own kitchen and we cooked and ate Christmas dinner in there. Lots of grounds for the children to run around in and of course, the option to go out if they were getting bored.
I think you are being a bit ridiculous.

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