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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not allow my kids to spend Christmas in an old people's home ?

267 replies

Newbrummie · 11/08/2015 17:52

Long back story I won't bore you with, but ex is in australia. He plans to fly home at Christmas and book two rooms at his mothers sheltered accommodation for him and four children. At first I thought fine I get a break, don't care about Christmas we will do that another time but all my friends and family are telling me I'm mad to allow it. The rooms aren't interconnecting, god knows who lives in this place and frankly it's not much of a Christmas for the kids.
Wwyd ?

OP posts:
wowfudge · 11/08/2015 18:40

I wonder if this is more about him being over here and having the kids with him for Christmas rather than them staying in a care home?

Newbrummie · 11/08/2015 18:41

He refuses pull ups, we tried the tablets from the Doctors they didn't work, I've accepted the bed needs changing, he wee's at one end gets his pillow and moves to the other end. I have to deal with it, he will have to deal with it.

For the record I would like nothing more than 50/50 shared care, he has chosen to live on the other side of the planet to his his and see them for two weeks a year. His decision, not work related, he doesn't work.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 11/08/2015 18:41

some subtle drip dripping going on here

did you not get the replies you were expecting, op ?

you have made yourself sound rather unpleasant

MrsWembley · 11/08/2015 18:43

Refuses pull-ups? You give him a choice?

Icimoi · 11/08/2015 18:43

I suspect your friends' reaction is coloured by the fact that you describe this as an old people's home rather than sheltered accommodation. My understanding of sheltered accommodation is the same as WhetherOrNot's. A relative of mine lives in that type of accommodation and they have in the building a separate guests' room - it's a family room with a TV, an en-suite bathroom and basic cooking facilities. Her son from Australia stays there with his wife and two children if they come to visit, partly because it's a lot cheaper than a hotel, and for them it provides a great base for exploring the local area as well as meaning they can see a lot of their mother. They don't have to interact with the other residents at all if they don't want to, apart from maybe saying "hallo" if they meet them elsewhere in the building or grounds, but they can also use the garden and the large residents' lounge which has a mahoosive TV screen, and they can have lunch provided for them in the dining room. I suspect the arrangement in the place your DH is visiting is similar.

As for the bedding problem, can DH take a blow-up mattress or a camping bedding roll or something similar?

Newbrummie · 11/08/2015 18:44

I don't think I'm unpleasant as I said in the first post I hadn't made up my mind either way. There's no question of them spending Christmas with him, That's happening I need a break

OP posts:
LilacWine7 · 11/08/2015 18:45

IMO it's a nice idea. As others have said, he's showing them Christmas is about family and caring, not just presents and food. Presumably he'll be keeping an eye on them the whole time. They'll get lots of attention from residents and it will be lively and jolly. I've worked in many residential and nursing homes over Xmas. Games, singing, carols, decorations, lovely food, a real sense of togetherness... when I lived alone as a student, I used to opt to work the whole Xmas period as it was much more Christmassy and fun than being at home! Not depressing at all. Staff and residents would really get into the spirit, and there were lots of families with children visiting. The children seemed to love it, they'd go from resident to resident being made a fuss of!

Two residents have Alzheimer's ex mil moans about them regularly running around in all sorts of condition

Not sure what you mean by this. If you mean they are wandering around a bit confused, I don't see how this will affect your DC. I work with people who have Alzheimers and most don't display challenging behaviour or aggression, they are just forgetful and prone to anxiety, needing extra reassurance and prompts at times. Many are able to live relatively independent lives for years, with minimal input from staff. I very much doubt they would be in sheltered accommodation if they needed a high level of care or were prone to aggression, not just for the safety of visiting children but for the safety of other residents too. Normally they'd be on a specialist EMI unit or dementia unit if they were unpredictable, aggressive or needed a lot of help.

Can you ask to see some photos of the rooms if you're worried? Why can't your DC share a bed if it's only for a couple of nights? Or take a sleeping-bag/camp-bed? If your 5-year-old needs to let off steam, surely your DH will take them out for a walk or to a nearby park so they can run around? There may also be a big lounge and a garden they can play in.

WhetherOrNot · 11/08/2015 18:45

He'd bloody well wear pull ups if he had to get into a wet stinking bed every night, wouldn't he??

Stop letting him tell you what to do and get it sorted FFS.

MrsWembley · 11/08/2015 18:46

I don't think anyone is suggesting you're unpleasant - I am suggesting you're being daft!

WorraLiberty · 11/08/2015 18:46

How does his bedroom not stink?

Seriously, he should be in pull ups.

5yr olds refuse a lot of things, but sometimes you just have to insist.

If he refused to let you brush his teeth, would you be ok with that too?

ADishBestEatenCold · 11/08/2015 18:46

"The provision I make for the youngest is to change the bed every morning, we've tried everything else. It's fine you just wash the boy and the sheets ..."

Your five year old sleeps on wet sheets (no pull-ups? no bed pads?) every single night and you are concerned that the guest accomodation in Sheltered Housing will not be adequate!!!

(this thread is weird Confused )

Newbrummie · 11/08/2015 18:48

Putting him in a wet stinking bed every night would be rather unkind and neglectful wouldn't it?
For a few months they were bought, put on and taken off in the night and bed wet anyway so complete waste of time.
He'll grow out if it, probably not in time for Christmas though realistically.

OP posts:
TwinkieTwinkle · 11/08/2015 18:48

Oh no! Not... The Alzheimers! Shock

Hmm

Sound as though you are looking for a problem.

drudgetrudy · 11/08/2015 18:49

I don't think staying in the sheltered accommodation is a problem but you have now raised a concern that he doesn't interact with the kids much.Still, he's their Dad and if they are happy to see him and his care is adequate then he's in charge whilst they are with him.

mummy0bummy · 11/08/2015 18:49

"Refuses pull ups" is nonsense.
My 5yo doesn't want to wear them but he bloody has to because otherwise he wets the bed. There are no arguments.

Christmas in Australia is not like it is here. It's the middle of summer, the days are long, lots of places are open (not like the Uk which goes into lockdown). It's not cold and dark outside. They'll have a lovely time.

Newbrummie · 11/08/2015 18:50

They aren't going to Australia lol
He's taking them to cold dark Chester

OP posts:
WhetherOrNot · 11/08/2015 18:51

Putting him in a wet stinking bed every night would be rather unkind and neglectful wouldn't it?

Children learn from experience. You putting him in a clean bed every night is not giving him experience. You are being neglectful by NOT insisting he is comfortable every night. Shock

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 11/08/2015 18:51

I doubt people with anything other than the mildest beginnings of Alzheimers live in sheltered accommodation as I know it. I am sure the guest accommodation will be fine.

The child who wets the beds needs pull ups and no choice about wearing them.

How do you know he wets the bed at precisely 1am.....

drudgetrudy · 11/08/2015 18:52

There are a lot of opportunities to take them out and about quite near to Chester!

MrsWembley · 11/08/2015 18:53

Again, why does he have a choice?

There are lots of things my two don't want to do but have to. And if they refuse then there are consequences. Treats not given, toys removed, etc...

Seriously, stop being daft!

LilacWine7 · 11/08/2015 18:53

I used to help my parents not just at Christmas but one night every week, I saw so many die it was unbelievable.
A real jolly Christmas for kids that want a fun day, not

Highly unlikely the DC will see anyone die in the sheltered accommodation!! They're going for a few days over Xmas, not to work there.
When I worked in nursing homes (with lots of terminally ill residents) a resident would die every few months on average, and staff would handle the situation very discreetly so as not to upset other residents or visitors.

Lynnm63 · 11/08/2015 18:54

I don't think the child wees at 1am but at one end of the bed then swaps ends so he's not in a wet patch.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 11/08/2015 18:54

PS

Chester is a gorgeous town....

Rainicorn · 11/08/2015 18:55

My MIL lived in sheltered accom and most of the residents were lovely. We rarely saw anyone as they kept themselves to themselves in their little flats.

The only thing I'd worry about children stopping would be the noise they made, nothing else.

Op if you're not happy with it, suggest AirBNB, he may be able to get somewhere in the area for the same price.

The bed wetting 6 year old, I think you need to look at other options, you can't just let him wet the bed until he stops.

Penfold007 · 11/08/2015 18:56

OP the children are having an access visit from/with their father. It's up to him what he does during that time. It's hard for you in that it's so long between his visits to the UK. Let them go and he will have to cope and hopefully realise how much you do the rest of the year.

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