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AIBU?

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Original poster

Raging argument, who's right?

227 replies

LegoComplex · 08/08/2015 17:20

Massive argument with DP, apparently I'm the jealous, wierd, no mates asshole who's dragging him down and not letting him enjoy life.

He sprung on me a couple of weeks ago he wanted to do a bbq with a mate over, this turned into 3 mates from work, bear in mind these are older builder blokes i've never met. Because i'm worried about it i'm being unreasonable apparently, but i have no idea how to host these things, I told him i'm 22 i havn't had kids and suddenly i can host big dos. I have a 5yr old bfing a 3 month old and found the last one incredibly stressful it was basically blokes round the barbecure turning meat and i was left with everything else to prep and 2 strange kids to watch as well. i was really an anxious wreck and couldn't even eat.

Then today we have a nice time at a festival for a couple of hours, he says we should go back tomorrow. That's be nice i thought have a picnic and me and him could chat and listen to music and enjoy the baby. Next thing i know he's ringing up all his mates trying to get them along.

Apparently i should be making friends with them and letting him live. Well i told him don't let us drag you down i can have a great time on my own with my kids if we're too boring for him.

To be quite frank i find these men intimidating. DP's making me feel like a complete wierdo, i socialise just generally with mums who i have lots in common with.

OP posts:
TheRealAmyLee · 08/08/2015 19:29

Talk to him about their behaviour. Tell him if anyone does X in your house no repeat invite.

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 08/08/2015 19:34

What!! I think it's a bit of a stretch to accuse me of adding to the
mind-fuck!

I wasn't suggesting it was deliberate. Confused

And it was within the context of OP seemingly not being entirely well right now and thus potentially taking it worse than otherwise.

lostinikea · 08/08/2015 19:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sazzle41 · 08/08/2015 19:51

So you are a bit socially anxious and on top of that with a BFing baby . But its his friends and you might make a friend of one of the wives. (why it just the men, the wives should come to). Its just a casual get together you can manage if you break it down into easy steps. Ask everyone to bring one dish or if its just the men, booze (why just the men? No wonder you feel bit out of it). Give your DP a shopping list of booze/ice/meat/french bread to cut into small chunks/ready made salads and non alcoholic drinks as well. Get him tidying up the garden , getting chairs/plates/cutlery out. You have BFing baby you are entitled to ask for and get help!!

Honestly, i know being socially anxious is horrible, but the older men are probably really ok, I worked on a floor of 300 middle aged design engineers at your age and i was horribly shy - they were lovely to me. Look on it as a way to learn how to do a small friendly casual get together. Its not a big do. And i think there should be partners too so you can make female friends even if they will be bit older. Admit your nerves if one of them looks approachable,people arent that vile that they will think less of you. They will probably want to pitch in and help make it less nervewracking for you

PurpleSwift · 08/08/2015 19:54

Op go to your GP and ask about cognitive behavioral therapy

Inertia · 08/08/2015 20:03

He's planned the barbecue - let him do all the fartarsing about with French sticks and salads. You have a small baby to feed and a child to care for, you'll be otherwise occupied. Send the neighbour's children back to their own house.

To be honest I don't much like the sound of your partner - he sounds critical and unsupportive, which will not help your pnd at all.

Lightbulbon · 08/08/2015 20:08

OP a lot of the things you have said would for with you being on the autistic spectrum/having Asperger's syndrome.

There is a thread in sn recommendations you may want to read- it also has links to quizzes that may help you figure out if this is part of your difficulties or not.

MrsWembley · 08/08/2015 20:48
Hmm
CassieBearRawr · 08/08/2015 21:12

His BBQ, he sorts it. Why the fuck are you prepping anything?

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 08/08/2015 22:21

Ffs this place gets better and better. Diagnosing someone who's not long had a baby and had anxiety with autism and suggesting she take a quiz as she doesn't want to run around after her fellas mates?

BastardGoDarkly · 08/08/2015 22:23

What the fuck points to autism?!

NickiFury · 08/08/2015 22:27

Why is autism such an offensive suggestion? It's just one of many suggestions made. Why is it such am upsetting idea?

ToGrapefruit · 08/08/2015 22:28

Hi OP. You sound so anxious and unhappy. I'd like to know how much support your DP gives you with the DC's, and also with the cooking of said BBQ etc? None, some or loads?

I think you've been given a hard time here, and I think that dealing with a 5 year old and a small baby whilst having/recently had pnd is a LOT. The fact that you were suicidal some months ago shows how bad things must have been.

I hope your DP IS supportive generally, because I feel that from his comments to you, I'm getting the idea that he might not be. How much support does he give you?

I'm very sorry that things are so hard at the moment. Flowers

NickiFury · 08/08/2015 22:28

Social anxiety - fine
PND - fine
Recommend CBT - fine
Told to get a grip by many - fine

Autism - not fine, in fact seems to piss people off. Why?

306235388 · 08/08/2015 22:36

Hang on, so you were given medication 2 months ago for PND / suicidial thoughts and you've stopped taking it already without any support from your GP?? That really, really, isn't right.

Your Dh can host his own friends and that's that.

However, it ks exhausting living with someone with anxiety or depression and people do lose patience, it's only natural. It doesn't mean he hates you or means what he says.

Please get some help. Your age has nothing to do with any of this its your (imo) anxiety and PND talking.

Read up on catastrophising becausne it seems like you do this a lot from what you've said.

Trills · 08/08/2015 22:36

Your DP does not sound very nice.

His friends don't sound very nice.

You don't sound like you like him or his friends very much.

BastardGoDarkly · 08/08/2015 22:38

It's not offensive Nicky dont be inflammatory, the suggestion just seems entirely baseless.

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 08/08/2015 22:44

Because there are no reasons for anyone to suggest the OP is autistic more than she is schizophrenic. It's like going into a&e with a broken toe and being told you have cancer.

NickiFury · 08/08/2015 22:47

Well I don't think it is baseless at all. And I am not being inflammatory, not one bit. Why would you assume that? Just because I question the irritated reaction to a suggestion of autism? Why is that inflammatory? Please explain.

I have studied autism at degree level, I have two children with autism and I thought it was a consideration right at the beginning of the thread.

Trills · 08/08/2015 22:48

Many of the posters who say you are unreasonable are doing so from the standpoint of

1 - your DP is your DP, therefore you like him

2 - you like him, therefore he probably has OK taste in friends

3 - his friends are OK, so 3 of them coming round for a casual BBQ should not be a big scary problem

VerityWaves · 08/08/2015 22:50

It's a bit much to expect you to hang out with these 3 jokers so often when you have a baby to look after!

maccapacwac · 08/08/2015 22:52

If you've lost lots of weight and you're anxious, you may also have an over active thyroid. I had this post preg, but it was only diagnosed later on when it switched to under active. In my experience GPs aren't great at checking this out, so I would suggest you see your GP and ask for a blood test.
Re BBQ, would you invite a mum friend or 2 with kids your big one can play with? That would help with the problem of you, the kids and a few men only. Then have some kind of breastfeeding ishoos / some other child related problem so that DP can do all the BBQ food with his mates help? Bit underhand but you sound like you might not have the balls to tell him to do it himself (as he should, as you're not feeling great and you're bf a small baby) You could just make sure you have some bread rolls, easy salad bits and similar stuff that the kids will like, and let DP and his friends do the rest. Clearing up is the easy bit IMO, and you have a small baby, you need to take it easy.

NickiFury · 08/08/2015 22:53

You've compared having autism to having cancer there Sharon, have you any idea how offensive and ignorant you sound?

I am asking why the gut reaction to a suggestion of autism is so immediately irritated? Why is it such a negative thing to suggest? Unless you're all experts in the condition I can't think why any of you would presume to say there is no possible indication whatsoever of it here and immediately shut down any suggestion with scoffing and mockery.

NickiFury · 08/08/2015 22:55

Don't be ridiculous Macca! Ffs where is there any indicator at all of thyroid issues?

Not really Macca. Will be interested to see how your suggestion is met though.

Thyroid - fine
Autism - not fine

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 08/08/2015 22:55

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