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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Raging argument, who's right?

227 replies

LegoComplex · 08/08/2015 17:20

Massive argument with DP, apparently I'm the jealous, wierd, no mates asshole who's dragging him down and not letting him enjoy life.

He sprung on me a couple of weeks ago he wanted to do a bbq with a mate over, this turned into 3 mates from work, bear in mind these are older builder blokes i've never met. Because i'm worried about it i'm being unreasonable apparently, but i have no idea how to host these things, I told him i'm 22 i havn't had kids and suddenly i can host big dos. I have a 5yr old bfing a 3 month old and found the last one incredibly stressful it was basically blokes round the barbecure turning meat and i was left with everything else to prep and 2 strange kids to watch as well. i was really an anxious wreck and couldn't even eat.

Then today we have a nice time at a festival for a couple of hours, he says we should go back tomorrow. That's be nice i thought have a picnic and me and him could chat and listen to music and enjoy the baby. Next thing i know he's ringing up all his mates trying to get them along.

Apparently i should be making friends with them and letting him live. Well i told him don't let us drag you down i can have a great time on my own with my kids if we're too boring for him.

To be quite frank i find these men intimidating. DP's making me feel like a complete wierdo, i socialise just generally with mums who i have lots in common with.

OP posts:

Ineedtimeoff · 08/08/2015 18:58

how you can feel intimidated by older Men when your DP is older than you anyway

because they are the type of men who:
smoke weed a lot, i hear about the road rage incidents, stupid comments and near fights etc

If you were a person who is prone to anxiety, had suffered from PND, had a 3mth old and a 5 year old (at a young age) and had a partner who organised BBQ's at your home with out consulting you first, would you not feel intimidated by those men?

Oswin · 08/08/2015 19:02

The dp can have have his friends round. She's just anxious about hosting. Which she shouldn't have to do. Yet her dp thinks its her job.
Apparently so do posters on this thread with there suggestions of what she should buy. She shouldn't be doing it at all.

EatShitDerek · 08/08/2015 19:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NickiFury · 08/08/2015 19:03

I think they sound very intimidating. It sounds like it's not a group of mates you have a problem with, it's this group of mates. I wouldn't want them round either. You've got a tiny baby and getting over PND, I am not sure I would he up to this either especially as they're likely to get drunk and obnoxious.

Loads of nasty, "It's AIBU And I Can Say What The Hell I Like!" responses here I see .

chairmeoh · 08/08/2015 19:03

The beauty of BBQs is their informality. Lay out some meat, make up a few salads, get some French sticks rather than baps and rolls. The its just ketchup, bbq sauce and stuff.
do you have folding or garden chairs?
Put out a table laden with drinks.
He can do the bbq-ing and everyone helps themselves to the other stuff.
Have some ice creams in the freezer to offer if anyone wants desert.
Sit and relax while bf-ing. Try to get to know your guests a little, just so you'll feel easier next time.
Use your DC as an excuse to go indoors and leave the gathering when you've had enough.
Try to enjoy it. I'm sure your guests will want you to have a good time and enjoy socialising with friends and family.

RachelRagged · 08/08/2015 19:04

Well sorry INeedTimeOff I must have missed that bit . . I know about depression and anxiety too.

RachelRagged · 08/08/2015 19:05

EatShitDerek sums it up I think

3littlefrogs · 08/08/2015 19:05

TBH the guests in question don't sound very pleasant. It does make a difference.

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 08/08/2015 19:07

The dp can have have his friends round. She's just anxious about hosting. Which she shouldn't have to do. Yet her dp thinks its her job.
Apparently so do posters on this thread with there suggestions of what she should buy. She shouldn't be doing it at all.

Exactly, bloody hell.

Lay out some meat, make up a few salads, get some French sticks rather than baps and rolls. The its just ketchup, bbq sauce and stuff.
do you have folding or garden chairs?
Put out a table laden with drinks.
He can do the bbq-ing and everyone helps themselves to the other stuff.
Have some ice creams in the freezer to offer if anyone wants desert.

And the reason her DP can't do all of this would be...?

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 08/08/2015 19:10

I'm 24 and have a nearly 6 year old and couldn't imagine reacting the way you have if a partner suggested a bbq with 3 of his friends. I'd have loved that and invited some friends of my own

To be fair, if I was having to live with the mind-fuck of my DP trying to convince me I had to be the one to take responsibility for hosting at anything like this, just because of my possession of a vagina, I would be starting to go stark raving bonkers.

chairmeoh · 08/08/2015 19:12

Well actually smillas I didn't say that OPs DP couldnt do it. I didnt mean to imply that OP should do it herself. Maybe they could do it together, or maybe he could do it?
I was trying to be helpful and reassuring.

partialderivative · 08/08/2015 19:16

And the reason her DP can't do all of this would be...?

Maybe because that might force the OP to actually communicate with the 'neanderthals' that are her dp's mates. If she likes her DP, maybe she could like his mates. Or at least get to know another side to him.

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 08/08/2015 19:18

Well actually smillas I didn't say that OPs DP couldnt do it. I didnt mean to imply that OP should do it herself. Maybe they could do it together, or maybe he could do it?
I was trying to be helpful and reassuring.

I understand that, but given that OP is already having to contend with her DP that is taking it for given that it should be her doing all this stuff (and no doubt his builder friends do as well), posts like yours are likely to add to the mind-fuck.

Vegetablecasserole · 08/08/2015 19:18

Neither of you is being particularly unreasonable. He wants to spend time with his mates and you at the same time. You find this causes anxiety and stress.

Maybe instead of a bbq suggest a pub lunch where you don't have to worry you'll get stuck hosting? And at the festival suggest that he and his mates have a few drinks and you and baby will have a rest somewhere quieter.

Tbh it doesn't matter how old you are, it's a personality issue, so please stop going on about how young you are. I'd your partner also Young and maybe anxious to impress older work colleagues? Or if he's the same age as them, not sure why you'd find his mates so intimidating

cardibach · 08/08/2015 19:19

OP am I reading right that you are no longer taking your PND medication? Your baby is only 4 months, taking into account time taken to realise there is an issue and go to the doc, you can't have taken them for long... Go back to the doc and discuss it again do that you understand the process of recovery.
In fairness to the blokes, there is no suggestion they will smoke pot at the barbecue.

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/08/2015 19:19

Surely in most houses there is a division of labour. In our house, all the prep and cooking falls to me and all the clearing up and washing up falls to DH. Whether the friends are mine, his or ours. With two small children, the child-wrangling falls to both too.

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 08/08/2015 19:19

Maybe because that might force the OP to actually communicate with the 'neanderthals' that are her dp's mates. If she likes her DP, maybe she could like his mates. Or at least get to know another side to him.

Maybe she could sit in the sun and chat with them while her DP takes care of the things on the list...

BastardGoDarkly · 08/08/2015 19:20

Urgh fucking hell I wish people would RTFT.

Sweetheart, if you've lost 2 stone since you had your baby, 3 months ago, and are feeling this anxious, I really do recommend you go for a chat with your gp, does the medication suppress your appetite do you think? Or are you often too anxious to eat?

Your dp sounds very immature, but you've been together 5 years right? Has he always been like this or is this new? New job maybe? New crowd?

chairmeoh · 08/08/2015 19:21

What!! I think it's a bit of a stretch to accuse me of adding to the mind-fuck!

And I don't actually see anywhere that OPs DP has said that he expects her to do 'all this stuff'.

Christ alive.

AuntyMag10 · 08/08/2015 19:23

In your OP you say you socialize fine with mums you know, he socializes with people he knows so why is it ok for you and not him?
You sound like you do have anxiety but then you need to see your gp and get help with that.
I don't understand what your problem is with a day out tomorrow other than it you want it to be just with you and the kids. He has spent time with the family today, it's not like he leaves you all the entire weekend. If he wants people over then let him do the catering. You do sound a bit controlling and he does have a point especially with your flirting comment.

3littlefrogs · 08/08/2015 19:23

So does everyone think drug taking and road rage are perfectly acceptable?

BastardGoDarkly · 08/08/2015 19:25

They're not doing it St her house 3 they're just talking bollocks.

EatShitDerek · 08/08/2015 19:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheRealAmyLee · 08/08/2015 19:27

Having a bbq for a few mates is a common thing. Maybe he is inviting the friends tomorrow so you can see them in a more relaxed environment and it may ease your anxiety? It isn't a good idea to never socialise at all. If you see mum friends in the week that's great but you have to accept that he will want to seehis friends as well and that will cut into family time. It's all very normal. Why not invite one of your friends to the bbq?

chairmeoh · 08/08/2015 19:27

OP, I think bastard is right. You do seem anxious and your weight loss is worrying. perhaps you should go see your GP to chat about how the tablets and that you've stopped taking them.

On reflection, despite my earlier post, is there someone who can help you explain to your DP that you're not up to having friends over at the moment?

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