Raging argument, who's right?

[LegoComplex]

Massive argument with DP, apparently I'm the jealous, wierd, no mates asshole who's dragging him down and not letting him enjoy life.

He sprung on me a couple of weeks ago he wanted to do a bbq with a mate over, this turned into 3 mates from work, bear in mind these are older builder blokes i've never met. Because i'm worried about it i'm being unreasonable apparently, but i have no idea how to host these things, I told him i'm 22 i havn't had kids and suddenly i can host big dos. I have a 5yr old bfing a 3 month old and found the last one incredibly stressful it was basically blokes round the barbecure turning meat and i was left with everything else to prep and 2 strange kids to watch as well. i was really an anxious wreck and couldn't even eat.

Then today we have a nice time at a festival for a couple of hours, he says we should go back tomorrow. That's be nice i thought have a picnic and me and him could chat and listen to music and enjoy the baby. Next thing i know he's ringing up all his mates trying to get them along.

Apparently i should be making friends with them and letting him live. Well i told him don't let us drag you down i can have a great time on my own with my kids if we're too boring for him.

To be quite frank i find these men intimidating. DP's making me feel like a complete wierdo, i socialise just generally with mums who i have lots in common with.

[Slowtrain2dawn]

Lego, when did you start to feel anxious? Does it maybe coincide with when your partner became so disrespectful, rude and unsupportive?
YANBU, you are coping with an awful lot. Maybe post on the relationships thread for some support and advice, as you sound really ground down.

[Bambambini]

I think you've had a hard time here OP. In mn world you should be able to manage endless kids and babies and host a 6 course dinner for 8 easy peasy whilst playing a harp with your teeth for some entertainment. You are quite young and have a tiny baby and a 5 yr old and your struggling right now. Let your partner deal with his friends, either go out or say hello and just do your own thing, leaving you to it. I would be nervous that they just end up totally pissed and lairy whilst you're anxious, walking on eggshells and looking after your baby and child.

I do think you need to go back to your doctor and it's way to early for you to be think you no longer need medication. I think 22 can still be very young and you sound a little overwhelmed by life and immature.

[TenForward82]

Lego, re: the medicine, I totally understand you wanting the best for your baby, but your baby will be happier and healthier if he / she (?) has a happy and healthy mum. You have to look after yourself first.

Also, I know what it is like waiting for NHS counselling. I'm guessing you can't really afford private counselling? Even if it's one appt every 2-3 weeks, it could help. Ask NHS again (you never know, waiting list may have gone down), and take it even if you're feeling better. As I'm sure you know, these things can change suddenly and it's easy to wake up one morning feeling awful. The NHS also prioritise you if it's clear you're really not coping well.

Can you talk to your DH neutrally after the BBQ and say you're feeling unsupported? Would he be receptive to that?

Good luck, hun x

[amarmai]

you are being sidelined by your h,op. He is not making decisions with you but assuming you have to do the work and go along with his decisions. I would not feel comfortable with the sit you are being landed in. It's not a family friendly social sit.

[LegoComplex]

i have said now that i don't care about festival (won't be much fun anyway for me now!) i'll just walk off somewhere if i want to and bbq he can do it.

[LegoComplex]

i don't think it's that medication i think it begins with t. the gp said it's safe but does pass through milk and can make baby jittery which worries me. he offered counselling which i took but when i got the letter it said there was a 4 month waiting list and because i was feeling better i didn't ring and confirm.

You're right there has to be compromise.

Hellion there's been numerous ones not actual things mostly messages/pictures last one i know of was a couple of yrs back but he always says it's because of a rough patch etc and because we're in one now i'm worried.

[LumpySpacedPrincess]

You need to stand up for yourself op, it's not on that you have to cater for a bunch of blokes that sound like dicks. Your dh doesn't sound like he has a very good opinion on women either, they're just there to do his bidding and when you don't play ball he gets nasty.

Next time he raises the issue tell him to knock himself out and do not lift a finger to help.

[Hellionandfriends]

What previous infidelity?

[TenForward82]

LegoComplex, I'm a lot like you (I even love Lego). I'm asocial (I just don't get off on the company of most others) and I have social anxiety. My poor husband (who is the opposite of me) has put with a lot of my bitching and moaning about spending time with his friends. He's been supportive to a point, but even he's gotten fed up with my behaviour. I realise that I have to balance my intense dislike of being social (particularly with people I don't like / don't get on with) with his need to be social. We compromise. His unsupportive comments are not cool, but is he always like this?

Re: the medication, if it's Sertraline, it's SAFE to use while pregnant or breastfeeding, but it doesn't work if you take it like it's candy. You have to take it for a longish period of time. "Oh, I'm feeling better, I can stop." - No. Doesn't work. Go back to your GP, get back on the meds, and ask for Cognative Behavioural Therapy to deal with your anxieties. I say this from experience.

However, you've just casually thrown in that your husband asks like a dick when he's being unfaithful, which I think is adding to your worries. This is not good, but unfortunately I have no advice to offer in the "I married an asshole" situation.

[LegoComplex]

thank you for your responses and advice i will definitely take them on board and try to deal with my issues. Thank you for some posters understanding too, 3 ppl for a bbq IS high level social interaction for me.

just to say these particular 3 bokes are single so no gfs wives.

[LegoComplex]

I stopped taking the meds about 2 weeks after i started because i felt a lot better and i was worried about it passing through to the baby. I've only taken the odd one since then. Weight loss is due to a lot of exercising i've been doing but trying to lose more.

yes been together for over 5 years, he has twattish phases where he's suddenly quite forceful and nasty like this, usually coincides with infidelity.

[LegoComplex]

DP even said last time that in his experience "the men stood around the bbq cooking and the women were left to look after the kids and do the rest" he did say he was happy to do more but comments like that make me feel awful.

Example with mates as well, one of them picks him up in the morning, the other week dp left something in the house so i had to go and let him in in my underwear (just rolled out of bed) and then later on i said i hoped his mate hadn't seen me and he told me he'd made a comment about knickers and something else he wouldn't repeat. I know it's not a big thing but they find it funny i just don't.

[LegoComplex]

sorry i am back and reading through, last night i was so upset i ended up just going to bed. i wasn't up to talking to him, we don't feel very close right now and i don't know if i trust him enough to open up.

I don't control him he can do anything he likes last weekend he stayed out at a mates overnight - no problem, the problem comes when i'm involved and there's expectation put on me.

[CallieG]

You need to negotiate these things. As a couple with children, it is not unreasonable for you to expect to have other couples with children as friends.
It is not reasonable for him to invite a bunch of beer buddies over, expect you to cater to them and dump someone else's kids on you uninvited.
You are young and it is natural for you to want to spend your time with people your own age especially ones with little children like yours.
Is your DP a fair bit older than you?
You seem to have some sort of anxiety problem, are you scared of meeting other people?
It is normal for your DP to want to spend time with others besides you and the children, not because you are boring or an Ahole but because it is not possible for One person to meet all the social and emotional needs of another, perhaps spending time with just your partner and kids is enough for you? You are after all BFing a new baby and wrangling a toddler.
But He needs to grow up act like an adult and own his need for the company of others including his work mates. He is an adult if he wants some part of his life to change he needs to ask for what he wants not whine about what he hasn't got, it is wrong for him to put you in the role of "bad guy parent" by claiming that you wont let him do what he wants or live his life the way he wants to.
It is quite likely that the "Group" takes turns at hosting BBQs at each others houses, if the other men are not bringing their wives or girl friends then you need to make it clear that you will be spending time with your girlfriends while he is turning meat with his male friends.
Perhaps you should negotiate one weekend a month when he spends time alone with his work mates and you spend time with your friends and one week end a month where you both spend time with other couples with children, leaving the other two week ends for family only time?
I really think that you would benefit from some professional counseling so you can learn to ask for what you need from him to feel secure in your relationship.

[Glitteryarse]

Hi op if your still reading this thread I don't think YABU.

I think your DP is an arse for calling you names full stop. its clear you are anxious and need help and support and slagging you off isn't helping.

When I feel like you the last thing I need is DP family taking root in my home and expecting to be waited on so new people would be worse.

He should have asked and discussed about the BBQ first.

I think you should go out for that day and let him have a blokes day doing all the crap himself.

I've recently been away for the weekend with friends and our dc and my friend invited her extended family up with out discussing it with me. My anxiety was really bad and I asked dp to drive up and and take me out for that day. He did. He was supportive and understood that I couldnt control how I felt.

Go back to your gp and also see if you can get anything for your DP on how anxiety makes you feel and how to help it.

[Hellionandfriends]

What you both want/need is normal.

If you are just recovering from PND and will be looking after 2 kids, let him organise, prepare and tidy up. No way would I be doing childcare and food prep while he sits at the BBQ turning sausages and hosting.

[maras2]

Just read your other thread where you say that DP has told you to wash your 'scummy' belly button .For that alone tell him to bog off and organise his own BBQ,cheeky fucker.

[wenchystrumpet]

"And a group of older men and no women around, while you look after someone's kids and try to host for them all really sounds like a men's piss up with you doing all the work, rather than a social occasion you might enjoy.

YANBU for complaining about that."

this.

[Pumpkinette]

Hi OP. I get what you are saying. I also suffer from social anxiety so I know how difficult situations like this can be. I don't think U are BU at all.

The majority of the people saying U are BU probably have no idea just how difficult it can be when you suffer from this.

If you are anything like me then I suspect the biggest issue is having people you don't know in your home for an extended period of time. You said something earlier about just wanting to relax when you get home. I completely get that. Facing the world in a daily basis can be exhausting when you have social anxiety and home is the safe place where you can actually feel normal and comfortable.

I also think 3 new people is quite a lot. The level of anxiety you sound like you have at the moment I would think you could maybe cope with meeting one new person at a time?

Your DP sounds like he doesn't get where you are coming from at all. I don't think it's that he doesn't care but can't understand how or why you feel the way you do. I think you are in a difficult situation as what he is suggesting (3 people round for a BBQ) is a perfectly normal thing that people do, but at the same time you are not in the correct mental state to deal with it. For you this is a high level social interaction. I would suggest having to BBQ but getting your DP to do most of the work with regards to cooking. Try to interact with his friends as best you can and use the baby / 5 year old as an excuse to bail out for a break as often as you need to. I would also suggest discussing a cut off time with you DP (say it's for the sake of the children needing to go to bed etc) so you are not faced with a drinking session in your house that lasts all night and you have an end time to look to when you are finding things difficult.

If you can find some links or leaflets on social anxiety print them off for you DP to read. It's easier than trying to explain how you feel and him not understanding. You really need to get him to see that you are not doing things to be difficult or stop him having a social life, but you just can't deal with social interactions the way he can.

I know a lot of people have suggested going to the Dr and if you feel you can then I would agree with them. If you can't then this is something you can work on, it will take time but you can get better. I have improved about 90% in the past 5 years without any medication or help from the Dr but I put a lot of that down to DH being very, very sociable but also very understanding and supportive of how difficult I find meeting people.

Good luck OP.

[TRexingInAsda]

YANBU not everyone likes socialising with randoms they don't know. And when I had a 3mo everybody else could fuck off quite frankly, I wanted to enjoy the baby, not entertain. I spent a ridiculous amount of time smelling ds' head when he was a baby, and I don't regret a second, they're only tiny for such a short time. Tell dh he can host his own crap, you won't be going. x

[LilyMayViolet]

Op I totally get where you are coming from and I'm in my 40s! I'm not suffering from social anxiety but if I'm not feeling great or very gregarious I'd hate it if my dp planned something like this. His friends sound pretty objectionable too. Honestly, I'd tell him to host it himself and leave him to it. I'm sorry to say he doesn't sound particularly caring or mature himself.

[Ephelant]

Yanbu, you are just suffering from some social anxiety. I second posters who have suggested getting some help for that. It's no fun having anxiety like that, in your mind things become huge problems and you end up limiting yourself in what you do with your life.
Bfing made me self-conscious in certain scenarios too so I get why that might trigger some anxiety.
Don't stress yourself about being a perfect hostess or anything, your dp doesn't need to be putting pressure on you about that either. He just needs to understand that you find these things difficult but you are doing your best.
22 is still young and I can understand a group of older blokey blokes seeming intimidating, they're probably very nice though really and they won't be expecting anything from you. Just remember you're not there being judged, it's just a relaxed occasion.
And with the festival try talking to DP about how you were looking forward to it being a family day. Your expectations were obviously different from him, he's not bu to invite them but probably didn't realise how you might feel. Hope you get it sorted and enjoy things

[HirplesWithHaggis]

YUDO, please read the thread. Op and others have clarified that she meant she didn't suddenly acquire '50's style hostessing skills just because she popped out a couple of kids.

[NickiFury]

Oh and Macca it will help if you realise that at no point have I suggested autism might be the problem here

[NickiFury]

I'm simply not going to explain my posts again. I can't be bothered, sorry. If you read them properly it's quite clear what I am saying. If you can't get it then that's fine