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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Raging argument, who's right?

227 replies

LegoComplex · 08/08/2015 17:20

Massive argument with DP, apparently I'm the jealous, wierd, no mates asshole who's dragging him down and not letting him enjoy life.

He sprung on me a couple of weeks ago he wanted to do a bbq with a mate over, this turned into 3 mates from work, bear in mind these are older builder blokes i've never met. Because i'm worried about it i'm being unreasonable apparently, but i have no idea how to host these things, I told him i'm 22 i havn't had kids and suddenly i can host big dos. I have a 5yr old bfing a 3 month old and found the last one incredibly stressful it was basically blokes round the barbecure turning meat and i was left with everything else to prep and 2 strange kids to watch as well. i was really an anxious wreck and couldn't even eat.

Then today we have a nice time at a festival for a couple of hours, he says we should go back tomorrow. That's be nice i thought have a picnic and me and him could chat and listen to music and enjoy the baby. Next thing i know he's ringing up all his mates trying to get them along.

Apparently i should be making friends with them and letting him live. Well i told him don't let us drag you down i can have a great time on my own with my kids if we're too boring for him.

To be quite frank i find these men intimidating. DP's making me feel like a complete wierdo, i socialise just generally with mums who i have lots in common with.

OP posts:
LovelyFriend · 08/08/2015 17:40

well YA both BU.
He should be able to have 3 friends around.
But you have a small baby and he should be perfectly equipped to arrange to food etc for his guests if you don't feel up to it.

KungFuhrer · 08/08/2015 17:41

Just go out on the BBQ day if it bothers you that much.

StealthPolarBear · 08/08/2015 17:41

" I told him i'm 22 i havn't had kids and suddenly i can host big dos"

This makes no sense. Do you have children?

PoppyBlossom · 08/08/2015 17:41

How old is your dp?

Original poster
LegoComplex · 08/08/2015 17:42

DP is 24, i just find older men intimidating. pretty anxious yes i''ve recently recovered from pnd. i just have no idea about hosting and find it a huge pressure.

OP posts:
Oswin · 08/08/2015 17:42

Oh and your not bu about the festival thing either.
A family day out should not turn into a boozy day with his mates ffs. Not sure why you getting a hard time.
I don't think you sound like a drag.

Hygge · 08/08/2015 17:42

Sorry, cross posted, I see the kids are yours.

I was confused by where you said this "...but i have no idea how to host these things, I told him i'm 22 i havn't had kids and suddenly i can host big dos." and then further on said you had two strange kids to watch.

Really if you find it all stressful, there must be better ways for you to get to know his friends than hosting a barbecue you don't want to have.

Perhaps you could arrange a babysitter and go out with just one couple, so you were on neutral ground and on a better footing to relax and chat without a big crowd.

VivaLeBeaver · 08/08/2015 17:43

I was 22 when I started dating my now Dh. He was 38 and his friends were a similar age. I started hosting dinner parties, socialising with them, etc.

No matter what your age when you're with someone you have to make an effort to get to know and spend some time with their friends. Unless they're total twats. Well I guess you don't have to but it's normal to.

PoppyBlossom · 08/08/2015 17:44

Have you considered going to your gp? These levels of anxiety aren't normal, 'older men' are a big subcategory to be fearful of.

Runningupthathill82 · 08/08/2015 17:44

YABU OP. What your DP is suggesting is perfectly normal and ordinary. I get that you're anxious, but I think it's unwarranted.

Also, what do you mean by "i haven't had kids", when you go on to say you have two?

Oswin · 08/08/2015 17:45

Op you don't have to host. See this is where his seriously being a div. He wants a bbq but you have to be the host? Nah. Especially when it makes you anxious. Like I said tell him to sort it all himself and you just relax. You will be less anxious if you don't have the task of organizing everything.

VivaLeBeaver · 08/08/2015 17:45

You won't be hosting this time. You'll be going to a festival, it sounds a good opportunity to get to know them more without as much pressure.

theconstantvacuumer · 08/08/2015 17:47

You sound like you suffer from social anxiety.

I don't like having social situations sprung on me. I like to know well in advance and plan.

Can you explain your anxiety to your DH and get him to plan a simple menu with you? Meats, salad, bread and booze should do.

I do sympathiseOP. My DH is a lot more sociable than me, I would be happy to spend most of my time lurking quietly at home. But on the occasions that Ido go out, I usually enjoy myself more thanI expected. Try to be positive, you might have fun!

partialderivative · 08/08/2015 17:47

Will these men be bringing along their kids and expecting you to entertain them?

Surely not!

Oswin · 08/08/2015 17:47

Why do posters keep saying its easy to host? For one why should she, his friends he ca bloody host. Secondly its obviously a trigger for anxiety so its not just gonna be easy because you found it so.
Anxiety is horrible. Its utterly random in what its trigger is. I hated living with it.

Original poster
LegoComplex · 08/08/2015 17:48

sorry i missed punctuation

should be "I told him i'm 22, I havn't had kids and suddenly i can host big dos" Basically i havn't morphed into a stepford housewife or received training.

and yes the 2 strange kids were because last bbq was with this new ndn, he threw his 2 young kids in my garden and left me to watch them and feed them, i ended up getting stressed and giving all the kids fizzy and then being told by the bloke that his kids don't drink pop

OP posts:
Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake · 08/08/2015 17:49

Have any of his mates been rude or horrible to you before? If so I don't blame you for not wanting to be around them. But if they are friendly people I'm not sure why it would prompt such anxiety?

Finola1step · 08/08/2015 17:50

Him having his mates round - no big deal. Him having his mates round and you doing the bulk of the work - very big deal.

I've had struggles with anxiety in the past. It makes me feel that even the slightest change is just too much. I'm interested in your quote "Last time, I cocked up here, there and everywhere". Why do you think this? Were you told it or is it you putting way too much pressure on yourself?

I do empathise with you *Lego". Its taken a while for me to get on top of my anxiety difficulties. But that was because I was determined that my anxiety wasn't going to impact on family life. So I went to my GP and saw a counsellor. Is it possible that a GP visit might help?

Birdsgottafly · 08/08/2015 17:50

I'm very much in the same frame of mind as your DP, the more the merrier etc.

Why have a proper conversation with your DP, asking for support whilst you push yourself out of your comfort zone.

Post on here for advice.

I don't understand the concept of "hosting" that is used on here, think of it as a "Get together", informal and relaxed, people bring food, drinks and it's just s case of picking at whose your joining up.

The same with Christmas etc.

MQv2 · 08/08/2015 17:50

"And a group of older men and no women around, while you look after someone's kids and try to host for them all really sounds like a men's piss up with you doing all the work, rather than a social occasion you might enjoy.

YANBU for complaining about that."

Except she's said that having their partners would only make it a lot more stressful so that's not the issue

Sticking with yabu op

AuntyMag10 · 08/08/2015 17:51

The festival tomorrow requires no hosting by you so what is the issue. You really can't ban him from seeing his friends. He's including you in everything, would you prefer him to meet them on his own?

formerbabe · 08/08/2015 17:51

i'm only 22 so wives added would heap a ton more pressure on me. I know it's NOT a big do but it IS for me! I have no idea what I'm doing! how do you do these things? last time i cocked up here there and everywhere

OK...so if they bring wives and children, you probably need to show your face, smile and make conversation.

If its just guys, then I don't think you need to host or cook...let them do their own thing.

KungFuhrer · 08/08/2015 17:51

Could you invite your own friends to the BBQ?

Original poster
LegoComplex · 08/08/2015 17:51

no not horrible but they're typical builders like him, very blunt, make crude comments/conversation, and real blokey blokes. i just feel totally out of my depth, i'd end up hiding and i don't want to but i just don't feel up to it.

OP posts:
riveravon23 · 08/08/2015 17:51

I told him i'm 22 i havn't had kids and suddenly i can host big dos

I'm a little confused. Why did you say you haven't had children when you have. Sorry if I am misunderstanding.

You do sound rather younger than your years. 22 years old, particularly with two (or maybe no???) children, is surely old enough to be able to host a BBQ with your partner. And old enough to meet friends at the festival. These really are just normal, ordinary activities, and I don't think your DP is being unreasonable for suggesting it. But hope it all goes well for you anyway.