Raging argument, who's right?

[LegoComplex]

Massive argument with DP, apparently I'm the jealous, wierd, no mates asshole who's dragging him down and not letting him enjoy life.

He sprung on me a couple of weeks ago he wanted to do a bbq with a mate over, this turned into 3 mates from work, bear in mind these are older builder blokes i've never met. Because i'm worried about it i'm being unreasonable apparently, but i have no idea how to host these things, I told him i'm 22 i havn't had kids and suddenly i can host big dos. I have a 5yr old bfing a 3 month old and found the last one incredibly stressful it was basically blokes round the barbecure turning meat and i was left with everything else to prep and 2 strange kids to watch as well. i was really an anxious wreck and couldn't even eat.

Then today we have a nice time at a festival for a couple of hours, he says we should go back tomorrow. That's be nice i thought have a picnic and me and him could chat and listen to music and enjoy the baby. Next thing i know he's ringing up all his mates trying to get them along.

Apparently i should be making friends with them and letting him live. Well i told him don't let us drag you down i can have a great time on my own with my kids if we're too boring for him.

To be quite frank i find these men intimidating. DP's making me feel like a complete wierdo, i socialise just generally with mums who i have lots in common with.

[Spartans]

And yes he shouldn't be calling you names?

Was there name calling on both sides?

Either way, it needs to stop

[CSIJanner]

It's really quite simple

OP has two children. One aged 5, the other 4mth old and BF. She's recently "got over"
PND but from experience, that's one hell of a recovery so I would say she's still getting there after 4mths. Would that be fair Lego?

Her DP is arranging to invite his mates around to family festival days and the house without checking. He's also for want of a better word, belittling her for questioning this. She felt out of her depth last time, with a neighbour seizing on the chance of free childcare and due to implied remarks made.

OP - you've had a hard time here. Your DP is an arse for not checking without first. He's a cockwombletwat for belittling you when you question him. You're BF, getting up in the night, getting over the hill with PND and feel still out of your depth. A festival where you finally felt relaxed is being usurped and the home which should feel like your sanctuary has been invaded. YANBU.

Next time, if your neighbour decides to use you as free childcare, feed them haribo, full fat coke and a sunny-d. If he complains tell him he should have been there to supervise rather than assume thAt you were a free childcare little woman.

As for your DP, does he have any redeeming features? It sounds like he makes decisions without you and belittles you. If he wants a BBQ, the he does it. Prep, cook, clear up. And as for the festival, if he invites his mates and you feel uncomfortable. Just explore a different part of the festival.

I understand some people would find this easy but I've been in deep deep PND and its s vacuum to pull yourself out of. Be kind to yourself OP.

[LongDistanceLove]

I know where you are coming from. I suffer from extreme social anxiety, I mean palpitations going to meet a friend in town for coffee levels of anxiety.

Have you always felt like this? Or is it more since you gave birth? I do think that it sounds like you need to speak to your GP again.

[Notso]

Please stop saying "I'm only 22" you sound like my 3 year old doing the poor-baby-me act when he has to tidy up
You don't suddenly get to thirty or forty or eighty and get good at this kind of thing. I've hosted loads of things and I still get stressed at some point.

Could you invite some friends for a bit of moral support? You could rope them into helping.

[raviolidreams]

In truth then, I don't know if I would have wanted to have socialised with guys in their 50s when I was 22. I agree that I'd have struggled for conversation and common ground.

It's really unfair to call you pathetic. We all have situations that we don't feel comfortable in, and being insulted never helps.

I think Hygge's suggestion of a double date out for dinner is a really good one.

[LegoComplex]

no he's not supportive he says he doesn't understand anxiety, hence the pathetic comment

[LegoComplex]

no i havn't called him any names whatsoever, when he got to that stage i switched off. he says i'm just as U though because i asked him if he'd flirted with any school mums earlier at a bday party, but it was just a comment and he'd been acting wierd about his appearance.

[3littlefrogs]

TBF if I was breast feeding a 3 month old and had a 5 year old to keep an eye on at a barbecue, I wouldn't mind my DP inviting people, but I would expect him to plan and organise the whole event, including the catering.

[drudgetrudy]

In that respect he is the one in the wrong. Regarding socialising-I think there is room for compromise but calling you names and shouting at you isn't going to help.
I would speak to your HV and GP if the social anxiety has increased recently.

[Ineedtimeoff]

Lego
What do you mean by this?

i hear through dp is about they're drug taking and stupid things they get up to at work

If they are taking drugs around your kids then you are right to be concerned. It doesn't matter what age they are.

[BertPuttocks]

I wouldn't be happy either tbh if I'd planned a family outing and then my dp had taken it upon himself to invite his friends along without checking first to see if I was okay with it.

I'd be even more pissed off if he arranged a BBQ with no warning and left me to do all the shitwork while he played at being the big man with his friends.

And that's without the PND, the breastfeeding, and the name-calling being thrown into the mix.

[drudgetrudy]

Its also possible that he's feeling a bit suffocated if you question him when he's been out and aren't keen on seeing other people. That doesn't excuse him calling you pathetic though.

[LegoComplex]

no not around my kids, ive never met them just hear stories off DP. They're all smoke weed a lot, i hear about the road rage incidents, stupid comments and near fights etc. He finds it hilarious - i really don't!

Please stop saying "I'm only 22" you sound like my 3 year old doing the poor-baby-me act when he has to tidy up you make it sound like it's my obligation to host things, why?

[LegoComplex]

I know it's my issues as well into the mix making it worse, I've told him i'll have an honest chat with him later about my anxiety, how i feel, and my insecurity. If i still have the medication maybe i should take some again as i have been a bit worried about my eating too, I've lost over 2 stone but i think about my weight all the time and my appearance. I thought i'd got over pnd but maybe i havn't

[3littlefrogs]

How old is your DP?

[Ineedtimeoff]

They're all smoke weed a lot, i hear about the road rage incidents, stupid comments and near fights etc. He finds it hilarious - i really don't!

This man speaks to you terribly, forces you to host parties that you don't want to and doesn't even try to understand your anxiety. Does he have any redeeming features? What exactly does he do for you and your kids that's positive?

[drudgetrudy]

Lego-this is sounding more and more like you aren't well-and you are making harsh judgments on yourself. Get help from GP/HV-and yes a good idea to talk to him properly when the row has blown over.

[Ineedtimeoff]

Love, it's not you. It's him. He is the reason for your anxiety.

[wannaBe]

tbh, if this was a woman posting that her male dp was insisting that days out etc always be about just their family, was questioning her about who she talks to when she's out and didn't want her friends coming round the house the cries of "red flags" and "controlling abuser" would be heard across the bredth of mn.

Tbh op you sound incredibly insecure and very controlling (and that is not a word I use lightly on mn).

[redfairy]

Your cock ups are not cock ups OP. Pretty standard stuff at my BBQs. People don't give a fig about the rolls gone hard, kids giddy on pop or heaven forbid...too much food! Don't pile pressure on yourself. Life's tough enough without giving yourself a hard time.

[VerityWaves]

I don't think you're BU at all!

[RachelRagged]

OP I don't understand how you can feel intimidated by older Men when your DP is older than you anyway ?

[LumpySpacedPrincess]

I don't think you are being unreasonable. He is inviting his mates round, who frankly sound like neanderthals, and expecting you to host. Having a bunch of blokes in your garden smoking weed isn't pleasant. Good on you for standing up for yourself. He sounds like he has responded in a really nasty fashion.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

And accusations of flirting wannaBe.