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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Raging argument, who's right?

227 replies

LegoComplex · 08/08/2015 17:20

Massive argument with DP, apparently I'm the jealous, wierd, no mates asshole who's dragging him down and not letting him enjoy life.

He sprung on me a couple of weeks ago he wanted to do a bbq with a mate over, this turned into 3 mates from work, bear in mind these are older builder blokes i've never met. Because i'm worried about it i'm being unreasonable apparently, but i have no idea how to host these things, I told him i'm 22 i havn't had kids and suddenly i can host big dos. I have a 5yr old bfing a 3 month old and found the last one incredibly stressful it was basically blokes round the barbecure turning meat and i was left with everything else to prep and 2 strange kids to watch as well. i was really an anxious wreck and couldn't even eat.

Then today we have a nice time at a festival for a couple of hours, he says we should go back tomorrow. That's be nice i thought have a picnic and me and him could chat and listen to music and enjoy the baby. Next thing i know he's ringing up all his mates trying to get them along.

Apparently i should be making friends with them and letting him live. Well i told him don't let us drag you down i can have a great time on my own with my kids if we're too boring for him.

To be quite frank i find these men intimidating. DP's making me feel like a complete wierdo, i socialise just generally with mums who i have lots in common with.

OP posts:
riveravon23 · 08/08/2015 17:52

And 3 people is really NOT a big do.

MrsWembley · 08/08/2015 17:53

YAB a little U, sorry. If you're not used to social gatherings, either as a guest or hosting one yourself, then I can understand your anxiety but you need to grow a pair and tell him that you're bfing a 3m old baby and it's up to him to cater.

As for the festival, surely these things are designed for friends to get together. How certain are you that it would have turned into a boozy afternoon? Surely a couple of bottles is just the thing at that sort of occasion? You could have a weak beer or something? Or stick to soft drinks? One of my best friends gave up alcohol a couple of years ago but she wouldn't dream of telling anyone when they can have a drink!

Your anxiety at social events will only get worse if you don't tackle this head-on. And don't forget, you can always retreat indoors to feed the baby or some other such ruse if necessary. One step at a time and all that. But don't let it impinge upon your DP's friendships. That will not strengthen your relationship.

sadwidow28 · 08/08/2015 17:56

Can you see tomorrow as an opportunity to get to know your DH's friends? If everyone brings some food for the picnic (not just booze!) then it really could be a fun thing to do. Chatting and listening to music on neutral territory may be the first step to you getting to know new people.

You have your own 2 children to look after, so the friends will have to look after any they have. I assume that your DH is inviting his friends as 'couples' which might mean that you make some new female friends who you would be happy to socialise with in the future.

Zucker · 08/08/2015 17:57

Take yourself off for the day he's having his mates over? It's really not that big of a deal.

I don't understand your posts you're 22? With no children?

Or you have a 5 year old and a breastfeeding 3 month old and you're getting over pnd?

Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake · 08/08/2015 17:57

But you must a be a bit ok with the whole blokey builder thing seeing as you've had two kids with one.
It might be worth making a list of what your actual, specific fears are, and what consequences there would be if those fears came true. Then make another list of how you would deal with it if that happened.
Because it does seem as though you have got things a bit out of proportion but if you manage the fear and do it anyway your confidence will grow and it will be one less thing to be scared of in the future.

WorraLiberty · 08/08/2015 17:57

YANBU to want him to help you with the hosting/childcare and work as a team.

YABU to keep saying you're 'only' 22 as I'm not sure where you're going with that.

YABU to expect him not to have older male friends because you find older males intimidating.

Try getting to know them and you might even like them.

MQv2 · 08/08/2015 17:59

So what's the end game?
You never meet each others friends or go to any events with each others mates or have people over?

MammaTJ · 08/08/2015 17:59

Oh, I get it. You giving birth did not suddenly give you the ability to host big do's.

How about starting small then? Maybe a BBQ, something easy that men tend to take over anyway and just, say, three friends?

Give that a go. Oh, and anyone dumping their kids on you does not get to complain about a bit of fizzy!

Original poster
LegoComplex · 08/08/2015 18:00

i've told him the festival is fine now, if i want to i can always walk off somewhere else. Good idea about leaving him to host, he has said that he would help prep but it's the doing it without telling me and springing it on me that really stresses me!

Cock ups I made last time:
Way too much food
Not enough plates
Wrong size buns and rolls
Cut them too early and they went stale
gave kids the wrong food and drink
Had no idea what to do with food
got too stressed to eat

OP posts:
bringthenoise · 08/08/2015 18:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Teacakequeen · 08/08/2015 18:01

Perhaps meeting them one at a time would be easier? I find meeting groups of people quite hard.

Zucker · 08/08/2015 18:02

Nope he won't be "helping" with the prep if he has his mates over, he will be doing the prep. It's his party, doing this stuff stresses you out so you tell him he's doing it!

BackforGood · 08/08/2015 18:03

There are separate issues here.

  1. Being "only" 22, shouldn't render you incapable of speaking to people who might be older than you Confused My dc are still in their late teens and are all quite capable of chatting with people from any age group
  1. inviting 3 friends round for a BBQ is not a big 'do', nor does it require 'hosting' - particularly an impromptu one - someone (I would suggest your dp if he is suggesting the BBQ) buys bread and meat, then they stand round and chat whilst it cooks. End of
  1. It's not up to you to look after other people's dc, (unless you have offered to). Just say something like - I'm going inside to feed {insert your baby's name} now, so you'll need to keep an eye on {insert other dcs' names}.
  1. If guests in your home are being rude / crude / sexist / unpleasant, then that is a different matter. I would go inside and leave them to it, then talk to your dp about it later (not embarrass him in front of his friends, but not sit and listen to it either)
  1. As for the festival - well, these things can be fun in a group of people. Your dp enjoying socialising with others, doesn't mean he doesn't like your company. However, if you feel you rarely get to relax alone, then chat about that specifically, don't project weird interpretions of it.
Gottagetmoving · 08/08/2015 18:05

What your DP wants to do is normal for people who are outgoing and sociable and who need friends. It doesn't mean you are not normal, it means you are different to him and that is all.
My DP is like you,..he hates social events and having people round because it stresses him. How you feel is NOT unreasonable at all but neither is your DP being unreasonable in his wants.

What IS unreasonable is him not understanding how you feel especially so soon after a baby and pnd.
He could make it easier for you and you could make some effort to get to know his friends but at a lower less stressful pace. You shouldn't be arguing over this, you should be trying to understand each other.

I would never expect my dp to have to suffer a situation he can't handle. We are different so I socialise when I like and he joins in when he is comfortable to do so. We don't make demands on each other, we compromise.

Get help for your anxiety because that will make life easier for you but don't apologise for who you are.

MakeItRain · 08/08/2015 18:06

I understand your kids comment! You were saying to him "just because I've had kids it doesn't mean I can suddenly host big parties". I get the anxiety thing too. I imagine his friends (from what you say) are the type to make crude jokes or comments, maybe at your expense, that make you feel uncomfortable and intimidated. It sounds like you need some friends around you. Is there anyone else you can ask to the bbq as company for you? It's hard when you don't get on with your partner's friends. The best way forward is to make sure you have friends of your own there to support you.

WoonerismSpit · 08/08/2015 18:07

Why did you say you have no children when you do?!

Original poster
LegoComplex · 08/08/2015 18:07

my comment about my age is int he context of having no experience with this type of thing. It's a whole new thing to me, i normally socialise while i'm out with friends and other mums and then i enjoy time at home to recharge and relax.

Does no-one else get worried by the scenario that a group of older men you've never met before will turn up at your house to be fed?!

OP posts:
Original poster
LegoComplex · 08/08/2015 18:08

he called me pathetic and then said i must have no real friends, hence feeling hurt.

OP posts:
formerbabe · 08/08/2015 18:10

Does no-one else get worried by the scenario that a group of older men you've never met before will turn up at your house to be fed?

Are they polite to you? Respectful? If so, then they come in, you smile, say hi..and then say 'right, I'll leave you guys to it...enjoy'

Original poster
LegoComplex · 08/08/2015 18:10

sorry i do have children, i got the punctuation wrong in that sentence.

I could invite friends but i've actually not had any round my house for years, there's only one who i feel totally comfortable with with my cock ups and what not but she lives an hour away and is due to give birth anyday

OP posts:
Original poster
LegoComplex · 08/08/2015 18:11

i've never spoken a word to any of them, all i hear through dp is about they're drug taking and stupid things they get up to at work.

OP posts:
Hygge · 08/08/2015 18:11

Sorry, I'm still confused.

It's not the punctuation, it's the bit that says you told him "I haven't had kids" that was confusing because you later said you'd got two. I don't understand why you said you to him that you haven't had kids.

If the neighbour wants to throw his children into your garden and leave you to it, he can't complain about what you give them to eat and drink.

Barbecue food is always crap, and there never are enough plates, and you do always end up with a tiny burger in a massive bun, or a giant hot dog sausage in the world's tiniest bread roll.

And there's always loads of stuff left over but never enough of the popular bits.

Don't worry about all of that stuff, it doesn't matter.

I wouldn't like an impromptu thing sprung on me either, especially if I had to do most of the work for it.

Hygge · 08/08/2015 18:13

And he shouldn't be calling your pathetic or weird or a arsehole with no mates either.

Anyone who says that to you is just a shitty person. That's not going to help your confidence is it, or help you socialise with his friends. He owes you an apology for that, and he shouldn't ever repeat it.

MrsWembley · 08/08/2015 18:13

Ok, that's a learning curve. Mistakes made that won't be repeated.Smile

You do realise the only way to learn how to host is to host?

Original poster
LegoComplex · 08/08/2015 18:14

hygge it IS the punctuation, I promise I have kids! This is a better way of wording that sentence.

I told him: "I havn't just popped kids out and then that night in the hospital undergone a stepford wife transformation and been able to sew buttons, host events, bake a 3 course meal fo 10 etc!"

I have a 5yr old and a 3month old.

OP posts: