Raging argument, who's right?

[LegoComplex]

Massive argument with DP, apparently I'm the jealous, wierd, no mates asshole who's dragging him down and not letting him enjoy life.

He sprung on me a couple of weeks ago he wanted to do a bbq with a mate over, this turned into 3 mates from work, bear in mind these are older builder blokes i've never met. Because i'm worried about it i'm being unreasonable apparently, but i have no idea how to host these things, I told him i'm 22 i havn't had kids and suddenly i can host big dos. I have a 5yr old bfing a 3 month old and found the last one incredibly stressful it was basically blokes round the barbecure turning meat and i was left with everything else to prep and 2 strange kids to watch as well. i was really an anxious wreck and couldn't even eat.

Then today we have a nice time at a festival for a couple of hours, he says we should go back tomorrow. That's be nice i thought have a picnic and me and him could chat and listen to music and enjoy the baby. Next thing i know he's ringing up all his mates trying to get them along.

Apparently i should be making friends with them and letting him live. Well i told him don't let us drag you down i can have a great time on my own with my kids if we're too boring for him.

To be quite frank i find these men intimidating. DP's making me feel like a complete wierdo, i socialise just generally with mums who i have lots in common with.

[Fluffycloudland77]

Tbh wrong size buns or giving a child foisted on you pop is no big deal next time give them espresso and a free kitten

Older men aren't an alien species and you're usually on best behaviour at someone else's house anyway.

[Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake]

Stop focusing on your so called cock ups! They are just normal bits of having a bbq, no one will be judging you and if anyone did then it's a sure sign that their opinion shouldn't matter.
When we have a bbc I do the bare minimum, buy a big tub of coleslaw and a big tub of potato salad. I make a green salad. And that's it, my partner is in charge of meat, buns and booze. I ask guests to bring nibbles or pudding and bobs your uncle.
I bought a load of plastic plates from Amazon for a few quid, they're better than paper plates as they are much sturdier so easier to eat from.
A roll of kitchen paper, some ketchup and you're ready to go.

[formerbabe]

None of the "cock ups" you say you made sound bad at all...things like that happen at the best gatherings...they are no big deal!

Sorry, I haven't read the full thread, but have you seen your gp? You sound very anxious and overwhelmed...are you OK?

[LegoComplex]

*but thank you for your comments hygge, I do need to address my anxiety but i think dp is going about it wrong and in a completely twattish way.

[raviolidreams]

i thought he'd like to do something just us 3

Where would your other child be?

Does no-one else get worried by the scenario that a group of older men you've never met before will turn up at your house to be fed?

Are they the same age as your DP? If so, I don't think a two year age gap is worth worrying about...

At least your DP is involving you in all his plans, rather than making them without you, so hopefully you can come to a compromise. I've never agreed to host anything, but mostly because of the thought of cleaning up afterwards!

[LegoComplex]

Sorry, I haven't read the full thread, but have you seen your gp? You sound very anxious and overwhelmed...are you OK?

I went to the gp a couple of months back for pnd, I was having very severe ansiety and suicidal episodes, but the medication made me feel better almost straight away and I havn't been back since.

I feel ok but i do feel insecure about my appearance and relationship with dp.

[IPityThePontipines]

Hang on, you say here that

"i do have kids they're with dp one 5yr old and a 3 month old"

But then then you say you haven't got kids:


"I told him i'm 22, I havn't had kids and suddenly i can host big dos"

Which is it?

[drudgetrudy]

It sounds like its quite informal and they would be bringing their kids. You sound stressed. I think there is scope for negotiation-BBQ fine if he does the shopping and planning. It isn't end of world if you finish up with left-over stale bread rolls-and definitely he should do the cooking.
Don't be intimidated because these people are a bit older than you-they shouldn't be making judgments and if you feel overwhelmed don't be afraid to go indoors to "feed the baby" or something-but try to be pleasant.
BBQ should be easier than any other form of entertaining as the blokes tend to take over in my experience.
It sounds like you are a bit hard on yourself.

[Ineedtimeoff]

I understand Lego. I'm not particularly social either and that's ok. I think your partner needs to give you a bit of space just now as you've just had a baby and are recovering from PND. I think if you had phrased your post slightly differently you would have very different replies.

Gottagetmoving has it spot on. It's ok to be you, it's ok not to like social gatherings but equally it's ok for your partner to like company. You are going to both have to make compromises and be more understanding of each others preferences. It doesn't sound like he's taking your wishes into account and instead is just railroading you into doing something you don't want to.

[startagainonmonday]

Just leave them to it then. If your DP wants his mates round then let him do all the catering/entertaining/clearing up. No need to be a martyr.

[formerbabe]

IPityThePontipines the op has explained she does have children...she just made a punctuation error before.

[partialderivative]

What whatthefuckhernameis said

[LegoComplex]

Where would your other child be?

wrapped against my chest or being sick on the picnic blanket. I think i did say after that "and enjoy the baby"

no they're not the same age as dp, they're all late 30s to 50s

that's the thing he's not making them with me though or giving me time to prepare he's telling me it's happening then calling me pathetic when i get worried about it

[Silverturnip]

Ipity if you read the OPs update she has kids but said she didn't turn into a step ford wife able to host parties etc when she had children. Pronunciation issue in the sentence.

[PrincessOfChina]

YABU I think. I'm amazed you think you were mature enough to have two children by the age of 22 but not to host a simple BBQ or socialise with others.

I second those who say you sound anxious. I would return to the GP and have a chat.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

It is grammar. The sentence should read, "I told him i'm 22, I haven't suddenly become able to host big dos now I've had kids" She has two kids and a slightly twatty DH with slightly annoying friends. Join the club OP.

I don't babysit other people's kids unless asked. If impromptu friends 'pop round' they get what they're given and don't complain. I ask before I give people's children ANY food or drink. No one gets to be sexist or racist in my house. DH has learned over the years to deal with it himself or I will.

You might only be 22, but you are a mother of two and you are an adult. If your anxiety is so crippling you can't handle three friends at home, go back to your GP, get some CBT or counselling and deal with it.

Your DH needs to be a little less twatty but the issue is yours.

[Hygge]

I see what you mean now, that having kids hasn't magically given you the ability to host a big party you don't feel comfortable with.

Working on your anxiety is one thing, him calling you names and springing things on you is not the way to help.

Would it be better if you planned together and more in advance? And he did more of the work, not just with the shopping and the barbecue but with the children, while the gathering was taking place?

If he wants to do more socialising, he needs to do more helping so you feel comfortable with it.

He doesn't need to be calling you names.

And I still think going out somewhere with just one couple at once might help, it takes the pressure off you to host if you're sitting at a table in a restaurant, and you can relax a bit and talk rather than focus on what you have to do and what you think has gone wrong.

[Ineedtimeoff]

What do you mean by their drug taking?

[cardibach]

Do you mean older like 50 (I'm 50 - we aren't necessarily intimidating) or older like your DP - mid 20s? The second is unreasonable, they wouldn't be 'older' in any meaningful sense. Also, if you go to the festival you will be able to speak to them and get to know them a bit before they come to your house. Your DP can do the lion's share of the prep (although I'm not of the MN school of 'his friends so he can do everything' - I think it's generally best to work as a team...) and you can use the be baby as a reason to go inside/into the quiet whenever you need a break. It'll be fine, just try to put les pressure on yourself. Not everyone who has friends around for a barbecue is a Stepford Wife!

[Birdsgottafly]

OP your DP shouldn't be calling you names, is he at all supportive in-regards to your anxiety?

As said, I think you should push yourself, but he should be understanding and help you.

[Spartans]

Having a few people round for a bbq, is not being a stepford wife.

What he is arranging is perfectly normal and he shouldn't atop socialising because you find it uncomfortable.

You really need to address the anxiety. From what I can see, you spent today together. I don't see the big deal in meeting friends tomorrow.

If he wants his friends round, tell him he needs to prep the food.


It is his house too.

[LegoComplex]

it would help hygge yes it would take the pressure off me.

I thought i was doing ok for socialising i went to a meet up yesterday, and organising to meet with school mums etc.

I don't want to drag him down, certainly not control him. i will take your advice on the bbq hosting, he can do what he wants,i i'll try to enjoy it and help and if i struggle i can just leave.

[MrsWembley]

Drug taking and other stupid stuff?

A good friend of mine has been known to partake of the odd illicit substance and is famous for doing idiotic things. He is also one of the most polite people I know and would be mortified if he thought that he'd offended a host who he'd only just met.

Meet them, then judge them. Your DP is probably just trying to entertain you with tales of his friends. I'm a bit about his language towards you, though. Was it in the heat of the moment?