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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dads staying over night

458 replies

silverperiwinkle · 08/08/2015 16:53

What do you think?
m.burtonmail.co.uk/Burton-Queen-s-Hospital-introduce-scheme-allow/story-27564928-detail/story.html

OP posts:
ApocalypseThen · 08/08/2015 23:59

but the objections about 'a man might see me' not so much, they are there most of the day anyway so you will still have to go past them on the way to the toilet etc.

So because it's hard to relax during the day, it should also be hard to relax at night?

Not an entirely persuasive argument.

JohnCusacksWife · 09/08/2015 00:05

What a truly terrible idea. And while I'm at it I'd reduce visiting to specified hours only instead of partners hanging about the ward all day too. Let mums get some rest in peace and quiet!

Welshmaenad · 09/08/2015 00:08

And yet, newlywed, most mothers do manage alone the first night.

Reignbeau · 09/08/2015 00:13

I'm married to another woman, would you be as quick to say no if it was her staying with me

Yes. People who are not the patient, I.e. mother or newborn, should not be there overnight no matter who they are. Someone who has not just given birth should be there in visiting hours only.

nocoolnamesleft · 09/08/2015 00:44

he NHS should be funded so that postnatal wards are small, cool, fully staffed and quiet.

I have to strongly disagree with one part of that. Postnatal wards should not be cool. One of the leading causes of avoidable SCBU admission is if babies get cold. There's even a joke about it...how can you identify the neonatologist? They walk into the room, close the windows, and turn the heating up! Fully staffed I certainly do agree. Quiet...would be nice. I presume you mean quiet apart from the babies...

CaptainHolt · 09/08/2015 00:47

And the men might see something comment I don't get! There is a curtain!

Why should patients have to stay behind a curtain 24 hours a day so male non-patients can have 24 hour access? I don't want to be stuck behind a bastarding curtain for the duration, and in my experience, men have had no problems opening the curtain if they want to.

Waltermittythesequel · 09/08/2015 01:09

I'm married to another woman, would you be as quick to say no if it was her staying with me, given that she is as much Mum to our baby as I am?

I absolutely would. She wouldn't be a patient.

rightguard · 09/08/2015 01:09

Fathers were allowed to stay overnight when I had my ds earlier this year. I hated it. my dh couldn't stay as he was home with older dcs. but in a ward for 8 women, there were 22 people including babies and partners. It was awful. hotter than usual, and one husband was right next to the curtain separating my cubicle from the next, if I'd leaned over I could have reached him.

mixed sex wards are banned I believe, but it's ok to mix them if half the people aren't patients?!

post natal wards are no place for overnight visitors.

elliejjtiny · 09/08/2015 02:20

Awful idea. I was in for over a week with DS5, including 2 days in HDU. DH could only pop in for a few minutes every day. In HDU it was ok as I had a private room with bathroom and 1-1 care from a midwife. Once I was on the ward I was bleeding, leaking and crying with all sorts of people coming and going. There were women on that ward who were blissfully happy and others who were traumatized and upset. Most of the women were sympathetic to each others needs but the visitors weren't. I had strange men gawping at me while I was trying to breastfeed (not accidently, then looking away, proper staring), old ladies pointing at me with their walking sticks, people loudly speculating about why I didn't have my baby with me and other people's bored children wandering around. Normally I would have said something to them but I had just had the birth from hell and my baby had nearly died in front of me. I didn't have the energy or courage to complain and I didn't have anyone to complain on my behalf. I had severe PND and I was already taking anti depressants before leaving the hospital. I think visiting times are too long and too many visitors as it is.

lifeunknown · 09/08/2015 02:31

I actually would have loved my DP to stay. But, the hideousness of the ward itself was enough to make me realise it would be awful if some women did vs did not. Private room would be fine.

The rule about pulling the curtain back at all day time times, was enough to ruin breastfeeding for me.

mindthegap79 · 09/08/2015 07:06

Since my dd was born last year, the hospital we go to has started allowing the dads to stay. I'm due again in a few months and am dreading the thought of all those extra noisy strangers being there 24/7. Also, as pp have said, I'll be one of the ones who can't have my dh there because he'll be at home with dd. Friends/family (when they arrive from hundreds of miles away) will have her when I'm actually in labour, but once I'm on the ward dh and I both think he should be at home with her, so she has some normality. Obviously he'll bring her in to visit in the daytime.

I found visiting times difficult when I had dd. My dh is lovely, quiet and considerate. Some of the other partners on the 8 bed ward, not so much. There was the couple with the 2 teenagers who played video games without headphones the entire time, who were abusive to their newborn. The midwives were well aware and we reported what they didn't see. The mother spent the third night we were on there together shuffling about, staring at me and dd. Needless to say I didn't sleep a wink. The thought of her husband being there too is awful. There was the family who ignored each other and talked loudly on the phone all day, whilst letting their 3 year old run amock in the ward.

I'm dreading it this time!

maxxytoe · 09/08/2015 07:17

I had a terrible birth.
Forceps with a episiotomy, DSL had also managed to crack my rib and damage my bladder making me incontinent for just over 3 days and then not being able to wee at all wee at all for another 3.
I had to keep shuffling off to the toilet to try and see if I could go myself all whilst I had blood dripping down my leg and being in tremendous pain.

I would not want a ward full of strange men there whilst I was going through that .
At least the other women have an idea of what youre going through

ollieplimsoles · 09/08/2015 07:19

Post natal wards sound like they have been getting worse and worse over the years. Wards were stricter when my grandma was in with her newborns, mothers were the priority and visitors were always turfed out at the correct time.

They are not a good time club, there are women on the ward that need peace and quiet to recover from a tough time.

Spartans · 09/08/2015 08:15

I don't think partners should stay over night, unless you have a private room.

I don't feel intimidated by men, the fact that the majority of partners would be men doesn't bother me in the slightest.

What bothers me is that the ward should be as quiet and peaceful as possible especially at night. Noise from other mothers and babies can't be avoided. But I wouldnt want another 6 people milling around.

I had ds at 6.40am and lost quite a bit of blood. The MW wanted me to stay over night. The ward was so noisy with the next couple along falling out, the woman across from us insisting she was discharging herself and getting the bus even though she had a section the day before, and another woman shouting at someone down the phone.....I discharged myself and dh took us home.

It was far better than the night I spent in hospital with dd where I go no sleep.

Personally I think there should be more done to keep post natal wards quiet.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 09/08/2015 08:15

I don't agree with it. Not everyone does have someone who can stay over with them. Pregnant women are vulnerable And hormonal, and if a women has been widowed during her pregnancy. The last thing she needs is a happy loving couple rubbed in her face.
These women are having babies. Not getting the last rights. I'm quite sure they can do without their DP's overnight. I certainly wouldn't need mine to hold my hand.
This nanny state for pregnant women is boardering on the ridiculous now. No one carried me around or gave me special treatment
As previously said. Maternity wards are a circus as it is.

quesadillas · 09/08/2015 08:29

My mother was in the hospital I'm due to give birth in a few months ago for something relatively minor, not involving intimate parts of her body. Visiting hours were limited, we had to arrive and leave within set times. Why is a postnatal ward different?

The vast majority of partners are respectful, kind and decent people. But the minority who are disrespectful, loud and abusive need to be kept out, and the only way to ensure this is to keep everyone out. I don't worry about male visitors being potential sex offenders. I worry about all visitors being idiots.

MidniteScribbler · 09/08/2015 09:53

I also think this a slippery slope to reducing staffing as the partners will be expected to take on any non-medical needs that nursing staff would normally assist the women with. Very hard then for women without partners who may be left unattended at an already difficult time.

goodnessgraciousgouda · 09/08/2015 10:11

If there are hugely extenuating medical reasons and staff think it better for a partner to stay, then they should be given a private room.

If someone just wants their partner to stay, then they should have to pay for a private room.

Wards should be for patients only outside of visiting hours (which should be restricted). Aren't maternity wards the ONLY wards in which partners are routinely allowed to stay overnight? It's totally incompatible with the policy on non mixed wards.

I honestly think mumsnet should do a national campaign to ban it.

The more I read about childbirth in the UK, the less I ever want to give birth there. Over here I've never heard of partners being allowed to stay over - EVEN in private rooms.

HuftysTrain · 09/08/2015 10:16

I'm married to another woman, would you be as quick to say no if it was her staying with me, given that she is as much Mum to our baby as I am? Not trying to flame, just looking for perspective.

Yes I would. It's not about the baby, it's about the patient - the woman who has just given birth. It's a hospital. People staying in one are there for medical treatment or observation.

I loathe the idea for so many reasons. Being on your own for one night with your baby really should be manageable for most women.

Spartans · 09/08/2015 10:24

I'm married to another woman, would you be as quick to say no if it was her staying with me, given that she is as much Mum to our baby as I am? Not trying to flame, just looking for perspective.

I would still feel the same. It's not about the partners being a man or a woman. It's about the ward being as peaceful as possible at night.

duckydinosaur · 09/08/2015 10:34

I had two home births but I am all for it! Lovely for both parents to have that special bonding time together as a family. Those first fews hours are really amazing. One of the reason I wanted a home birth was so that we would all get to spend our first night together in our own bed. Obviously unfortunate if some mums have no one to stay with them but don't think it is fair all dads are refused the right to be wth their children because of it. I am sure if anyone had real reason to not be on such a ward (victim of sexual abuse and was scared of men for example) then an alternative could be found for them. I think it is lovely we are making dads so involved. A big improvement and step in equal parenting rights.

Anniesaunt · 09/08/2015 10:44

ducky 12 adults and 6 babies crammed into one room, sharing one shower room/toilet is not a lovely anything and would not be a pleasant bonding experience. Even if we assume that all 12 of the adults are lovely reasonable people that's a big increase I noise, big reduction I space to move and a lot stuffer an atmosphere.

Anniesaunt · 09/08/2015 10:47

Sorry that should be stuffier.

oddfodd · 09/08/2015 10:51
Skiptonlass · 09/08/2015 11:04

It's a terrible idea. For infection control and sanitation alone, never mind vulnerable, shattered women who need rest and quiet.

Actually, postnatal wards in themselves are a terrible idea. Most other European countries manage to have individual rooms for women who have just given birth.

It's being used as a way of stripping back staffing levels even further - you should not need your oh there to pass you the baby/help you to the loo because there should be sufficient staffing levels to do these things.

When I read threads like this it makes me despair - it's like third world hospital care with family members crowding round a bed and having to bring food. Absolutely fucking disgraceful.