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AIBU?

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Original poster

Dads staying over night

458 replies

silverperiwinkle · 08/08/2015 16:53

What do you think?
m.burtonmail.co.uk/Burton-Queen-s-Hospital-introduce-scheme-allow/story-27564928-detail/story.html

OP posts:
DesertIslander · 08/08/2015 21:36

I would hate, hate, HATE it.

Writerwannabe83 · 08/08/2015 21:38

I can understand why some would hate it, I know that I'm in the very small minority of people who think it isn't the worst idea in the world Smile

If I have a second child then I would seriously consider paying for a private room so DH could stay if the option was there.

soverylucky · 08/08/2015 21:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DesertIslander · 08/08/2015 21:40

Hospitals are overcrowded and the staff are run off their feet. This would just be another drain on the already over stretched budget.

MustBeLoopy390 · 08/08/2015 21:48

Personally I felt I needed my dh there after dd and ds2, and felt way more vulnerable stuck in a 4 bed ward bay with no help or support when I have a huge distrust of medical staff and major anxiety issues than I would have done if partners were allowed. The whole 24 hours I was in hospital with both of them I didn't sleep, eat or manage to rest at all. With ds1 I had a fairly 'straightforward' birth so demanded discharge after 6 hours and had to be in a private room due to potentially carrying chicken pox, unsurprisingly the one time I had my dh with me I actually managed to rest and eat after the birth.

yestheyhavethesamedad · 08/08/2015 21:52

I would have hated it, when my eldest dd almost 16 was born I had complications and was put in a recovery room which also happened to be assessments for patients thinking they were in labour or having complications. I was lying in the bed with a drip in each arm a catheter in and unable to move and the people in the net cubicle heard my dd thru the curtain so the boyfriend opened the curtain to stare at dd and get the others in the cubicle to come and look at the large baby (10lb) and make comments about my appearance I asked them to close the curtains and he refused he only agreed to once the midwife came and told him if he didn't behave himself she would have him removed by security and no I don't think my then husband being there would have made a difference, he is a hothead so I think it would have antagonised the situation further.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 08/08/2015 21:56

I'm another who thinks it wouldn't be the worst idea in the world.

However, it needs to be thought through properly and the facilities need to be appropriate. Ie single rooms and enough loos!

My experience was that I was very ill after dd's birth and they kept me in the delivery suite for about 12 hours with 1:1 nursing because they were quite concerned. The first night I was in post natal I needed quite a lot of help but most of what I needed didn't need a midwife / HCA - my husband could have done it. Thus freeing up the midwives / HCAs to do other, more important jobs.

Supervet · 08/08/2015 22:00

Apparently the one in the ops link is a six bay ward.
I would be okay with it in private rooms.

FWIW I was in for a week with dd with serious issues. (Now ex) did stay the first night (private room at that point) he fell asleep and snored like a train and was impossible to wake when I needed to get dd (I had had a spinal block) I ended up beeping the nurse who had to step over him to help me Hmm and he generally irritated me , I was glad when he had gone home.

I was wondering how it would work for those women who's faith would cause issues with this.

Spiegelei · 08/08/2015 22:00

DP stayed with me on the ward after DS was born. DS had meconium aspirate and was taken away as soon as he was stabilised after being born. We did not get to spend any time with him at all after he was delivered. Had DP not been on the ward with me he wouldn't have been party to the updates that the doctors gave or have been able to see DS when we were first able to to go down to SCBU. I'm so glad he was there, I'm not sure I'd have coped without him.

Sansarya · 08/08/2015 22:11

A friend of mine was recently on an antenatal ward as she was being induced. The woman in the next bay had her entire family with her and they kept my poor friend up all night with their chatter. The next day the woman was taken down to the labour ward but her family was allowed to stay in the room, where they tried to take it in turns to sleep on the woman's bed. Meanwhile my poor friend was there by herself, in the early stages of labour, with several inconsiderate people just a curtain separation away. I thought this was just has bad, if not worse, than partners staying overnight in PN wards.

Anniesaunt · 08/08/2015 22:18

Most people have said they wouldn't have issues with partners staying over in single rooms. I don't think those who are in favour of partners staying no matter what have really considered how limited the space there is around a bed in a 6 bedded room. When you are working behind the curtain you are in real danger of bumping someone Sitting by the next bed. Certainly not room for a camp bed so the dp would be sitting up all night and get in the way (albeit inadvertently) of MW who may need to work with a patient.

Then there's the chance that someone will be a twat. By increasing the number of people you increase the chance that one of them will be a twat. Yes, that could be another patient but they have to be there. Being a twat can range from insisting on numerous cups of tea and having the staff running after them instead of caring for patients to being violent and aggressive. Being violent and aggressive is intimidating for all (patients and staff), takes time to deal with in getting them off the ward, calming everyone down and the paperwork generated all taking away from patient care. And that's if no one is injured.

Then there are women who are abused by their partners. Often abuse increases or starts in pregnancy. When visiting time is over that is the one chance they have to be alone, feel safer, perhaps even get the chance to open up.and get help to leave. Would it really be a bad thing to take that chance away. Too damn right it would.

Supervet · 08/08/2015 22:19

I am actually a bit cross how women are treated in labour, I know its a natural thing but for many people there are complications. We have bounty bombarding us for photos and selling us stuff or selling our details and now we have to put up with shuffling around in pain while someone elses dh/dp keeps us up all night chatting/gawps at us/is abusive to his partner and potentially us.

Purplepoodle · 08/08/2015 22:21

against it unless it's a private room. I shared a room with a women who's partner stayed over with ds2. They talked on and off through the night (when he hadn't fallen asleep and was snoring like a stuffed pig). He used our toilet which is bad enough when your sharing with all the after bleeding - even knocked on door while I was trying to clean myself up. MW moved me to my own room in the end as luckily my DS was sleeping a lot but kept getting woken by other couples talking/his snoring.

Thurlow · 08/08/2015 22:24

I hate the thought of this. Our local hospital is apparently letting partners stay now.

I don't really think I want me and DP, shoved into this tiny bay, neither of us sleeping, listening to everyone else shuffling around...

Honestly, I would rather he went home and got some sleep and then came in at 9am the next morning refreshed so I could just crash out and he could look after the baby, rather than us both being sleep deprived and miserable.

And it's nothing particular to do with it being men, for me. There is no room. Doubling the number of adults in those wards all night is an insane idea. I don't care of they are male or female, 21 or 72. I just don't want that many people and babies crammed into that small room all night.

But clearly hospitals are not listening. These threads are always overwhelmingly anti the idea.

PurpleSwift · 08/08/2015 22:25

I think it all needs an overhaul. I think both parents should be permitted at any time.

Welshmaenad · 08/08/2015 22:38

Actually, I'm against it even in private rooms, barring extreme circumstances. In the hospital where I gave birth, I still had to shuffle past the private rooms to get to the showers and toilets. Bollocks did I want to be watched as I went by someone's husband or to be bumping into them as they went on a run to the water machine.

My eldest was taken to scbu in really scary circumstances and my DH still had to go home. I survived on my own. I wouldn't have dreamed of asking if he could stay on a high dependency post surgical ward, it would have been massively inappropriate.

Welshmaenad · 08/08/2015 22:39

Also, the amount of money that would need to be spent upgrading facilities to provide hotel services for non patients could be FAR better spent improving maternity care in other ways.

starlight2007 · 08/08/2015 22:46

I think a post natal ward is disruptive enough. I arrived on the ward about 3am, My Ds then needed medical attention.. I was disruptive enough without adding a partner in. .. I had staff in and out for the 3 days I was in, I was disturbed enough by my own DS needs, other peoples babies crying, and when I tried to sleep with other peoples visitors it was really difficult.

I have to say when I was in hospital in the 70's parents didn't stay , any care needs were met by the staff...When my DS was in hospital a couple of years ago. It was really expected I stayed . There were very few who didn't have a parent there 24 hours a day. I am glad that part had changed but if no parents stayed there would be a real problem providing basic care as wards are staffed assuming parents will be there for most.

I really am not sure what a partner cannot do during the day if they have such a desire to change a nappy or give a bottle ( assuming not BF) they can have a go in the day..night times are not for bonding...They are for getting as much rest as you can while meeting your newborns needs.

I can imagine it much more disruptive and the thought of men snoring, chatting to there partners through night feeds does not appear in any was shape or form.

My ex would not of stayed he was far to busy getting drunk.

LittleMissStubborn · 08/08/2015 22:47

I can understand the objections with over-crowding and noise, but the objections about 'a man might see me' not so much, they are there most of the day anyway so you will still have to go past them on the way to the toilet etc.

I would have hated being on a 6bed bay, add in another 6 and it would have been dreadful - i was on a 3 bed bay and between a snorer and a new mum who had had a cs so had to buzz a lot I got very little sleep (I gave birth early hours) 12 adults plus 6 babies would be unbearable.

LittleMissStubborn · 08/08/2015 22:52

My dh stayed with my 2 girls, the eldest was just company really and the 3rd it was 4 in the morning so he just stayed the rest of the night (mw unit with labour, delivery, pn room)

My neice was born in the early hours, my bil said it was awful an hour after she had been born being tufted out the front door. The same happened with dh with #2, he arrived at 1am and was just told to go home (on a very cold night)

Welshmaenad · 08/08/2015 23:23

Having to keep curtains closed/don dressing gown and carefully check for blood leakage before shuffling to the loo for a couple of hour blocks twice a day is very different from having to do it 24/7. Is that not why most new parents keep at-home visits short in the early days, because you just want to rest and air your nipples without being gawked at? I can't imagine how on edge I'd have been with strange men round me 24/7, listening to me crying through my closed curtains or screeching as the mw took the drain out of my wound.

Anniesaunt · 08/08/2015 23:35

Well said Welsh.

noeffingidea · 08/08/2015 23:44

When I had my 1st baby in 1988, visiting hours was 2 hours in the afternoon for partners only, then 2 hours in the evening for other family members. So there was plenty of time for showers, breastfeeding, resting, rounds, all in privacy and relative peace.
Those who had c sections (probably fewer in those days) were given care and assistance with their babies. Personally I found that fine, I mean it wasn't fun but I wasn't tempted to discharge myself.
Someone mentioned patients with religious beliefs requiring privacy, well they would probably be given priority for any private rooms that were available , leaving even fewer for everybody else.

tiggytape · 08/08/2015 23:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Newlywed2013 · 08/08/2015 23:57

I never realised it was a thing until I was transferred to the ward at 10:30pm. I asked how long my dh could stay and they said he could stay the first night! I was so relieved. He got given ground rules, midwife told him he best go use the loo etc now as the facilities on the ward are for mums only. You stay behind the curtain and you are not allowed out unless it is an emergency, and whispering only, It was a wonderful first night, in the morning all dads stayed behind their curtains and were respectful until visiting times. We had plenty of room in or bays of 4 beds in the ward and the seats for dad were not next the the adjoining curtain.
I hope next time if childcare allows he is able to stay over again. There is no way on earth I would have managed alone that night.
And the men might see something comment I don't get! There is a curtain!