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AIBU?

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Original poster

Dads staying over night

458 replies

silverperiwinkle · 08/08/2015 16:53

What do you think?
m.burtonmail.co.uk/Burton-Queen-s-Hospital-introduce-scheme-allow/story-27564928-detail/story.html

OP posts:
Lollirot · 09/08/2015 11:08

Were it a private room I think it's a good idea, it gives Dads the chance to be hands on in those first few days as restrictive visiting hours prevent that. My DP was annoyed at how little he got to see our DS in the first 2 days of his life.

On the other hand, maternity wards are already busy, loud and hot so adding more people to them when they're already so bustling would just be chaos I think!

Scotinoz · 09/08/2015 11:19

I delivered both my babies on a maternity unit with single rooms and dads were actively encouraged to overnight. It was lovely. Dads were very included, taught how to bath the baby etc. It was a really lovely bonding time with our first.

Granted, this was a private unit, overseas, where a five day stay post baby is standard.

TitusAndromedon · 09/08/2015 11:25

I'm actually planning on having my babies at this hospital and I'm thrilled that they're introducing the programme. One of my major fears was spending the first night alone, recovering from giving birth to twins, totally overwhelmed and possibly physically struggling to meet all their needs on a busy ward. I do understand the concerns expressed, and I might completely change my mind after I've actually had the experience, but for right now it feels like a massive weight off my mind.

For what it's worth, we do intend to pay for a private room if we have the option on the day.

HuftysTrain · 09/08/2015 11:27

I am sure if anyone had real reason to not be on such a ward (victim of sexual abuse and was scared of men for example) then an alternative could be found for them.

I'm neither of those things - would I just have to put up with it then?

HuftysTrain · 09/08/2015 11:30

My DP was annoyed at how little he got to see our DS in the first 2 days of his life.

Annoyed, seriously? Good grief.

CaptainHolt · 09/08/2015 11:40

I am sure if anyone had real reason to not be on such a ward (victim of sexual abuse and was scared of men for example) then an alternative could be found for them.

So on top of actually having a baby, women should have to justify not wanting to share a room with men by regaling staff with the story of their sexual assault? In no other area of the health service are female patients expected to bunk up with men, let alone men who aren't even patients, except ICU/HDU but for some reason maternity, which should be women focussed has become all about the wants and conveniences of the men.
Pmsl at the thought of 'alternative accommodation' for the estimated 1 in 3 women who have suffered some sort of sexual violence plus the who just don't want to share a room designed for 6 with triple occupancy. What about the women whose actual partner is the problem? Are they supposed to find the courage to ask for 'alternative accommodation' in front of their abuser/bellend partner?
I laboured up to about 8cm in a bay with 5 other women and their partners. i have told the tale on these threads before - I'm the one who was repeatedly told to stfu by some twats teenage 'boyfriend' who repeatedly opened the curtains WHILE I WAS IN LABOUR. They couldn't even find actual accommodation for me to labour in, let alone alternative accommodation.

quesadillas · 09/08/2015 12:00

I have never (thankfully) been the victim of any kind of abuse, sexual, physical, psychological, from a man or a woman. I have had a complicated birth in a hospital which, at the time, had restricted visiting hours. I don't think any woman should have to explain herself to hospital staff as to why she doesn't want to be in a ward with strangers who are non-patients. I just don't feel comfortable with it, that's my reason. And it should be good enough. If separate facilities were made available for abuse victims, I could make something up. Or I could pretend to have religious reasons as to why sharing a room overnight with strange men was something I didn't want. But doing either of those things would be inappropriate. Until facilities are made suitable for 24 hour visitors - private rooms, walls, increased numbers of toilets and showers - the rule of no should apply because some (most, going by this thread) wouldn't like it.

Thankfully (sort of) I'm likely to have a complicated birth and so will be near top priority for a private room. So hopefully I won't have to put up with it.

MissBattleaxe · 09/08/2015 12:20

CaptainHolt and quesadillas- I agree with every word.

MissBattleaxe · 09/08/2015 12:23

For what it's worth, we do intend to pay for a private room if we have the option on the day

Try and organise one in advance- you may be unlucky.

I think if you have a private you can have who you want in there, but if you're on a shared ward then others should have their privacy, peace and recovery respected without strangers present all night.

MissBattleaxe · 09/08/2015 12:23

*private room

ArendelleQueen · 09/08/2015 14:18

"I am sure if anyone had real reason to not be on such a ward (victim of sexual abuse and was scared of men for example) then an alternative could be found for them."

Hmm Like that would be a reality.

Bottom line is that some women think their wants come before another woman's right to privacy and dignity. Pay for a private room if you want your partner overnight.

Welshmaenad · 09/08/2015 14:34

Just not wanting strange men sleeping a curtain breadth away when you're at your most vulnerable is a 'real' reason.

I have experiences totally unrelated to my current relationship not to feel comfortable with strange men sleeping in the same room as me, but I object to the nation that I should a) be required to disclose these to medical staff and b) should be the one to squirrelled away or 'alternatively accommodated' due to my objection. Maternity services are WOMEN'S health services. Not family bonding services. Bond at home.

HuftysTrain · 09/08/2015 14:38

Maternity services are WOMEN'S health services. Not family bonding services. Bond at home.

Here, here.

steff13 · 09/08/2015 14:46

I always wanted my husband with after I gave birth. But here you get a private room. I wouldn't want to be on a shared ward, whether there were husbands there or not.

Anniesaunt · 09/08/2015 14:48

Another here here.

I'm not planning any more children but if I were to fall pregnant and the ward allowed people other than patients to stay over night I would irregularly discharge myself. Even if I'd need to be carried out and I'd take the consequences of SS referral.

AliceInUnderpants · 09/08/2015 14:54

It's a hospital, not a damn hotel. Beds are provided for those recovering from birth.

duchesse · 09/08/2015 15:06

You don't have to have been the victim of any kind of abuse nor have religious reasons for not wanting unknown men to be around when your bits are hanging out and you've stitches in places you didn't even know you had places and you're trying to get a baby to feed for the first time. Heck, I felt invaded in NICU when the nurses aggressively pulled the curtains round me every time I tried to feed DD3 due to the presence of fathers around their babies' incubators, to avoid embarrassing them (I couldn't give a shit who sees me breastfeeding so it definitely wasn't for my benefit).

Why the feck should any woman who's just gone through a pretty enormous physical upheaval -whichever way your baby makes its entrance- have to take account of the sensibilities of random strangers??? I would have taken a pretty dim view of having felt the need to hop off my bed with my stomach held together with fishing line just to shut curtains to avoid assaulting the delicate sensibilities of perfectly healthy men!

Rosieliveson · 09/08/2015 15:21

In my opinion, there is no reason all partners have to be allowed on the ward at all times.

I was transferred to the ward at 11pm. Yes, I had just given birth and was tired and overwhelmed not to mention sore. Yes, I would have liked DH there with me for comfort and support but he did not need to be. People were trying to rest, sleep or recuperate themselves. There were staff to ask for help if needed.
I can see that there may be exceptions where a patient requires someone present to care for the child if they are unable. However, I do not think that means that all partners can or should be there 24/7.

ChickChickQuack · 09/08/2015 15:22

I wonder if those saying they'd be ok with this have actually had babies?! It is unfathomable to me that any woman would think this was ok. Women who are bleeding, sometimes bleeding on gowns etc, have breasts out whilst trying to BF, being asked about stitches and bodily fluids and functions? Why the heck would it be ok for strange men to hear all this? And curtains aren't allowed to be closed overnight in wards (at my very large hospital anyway) in case there are any issues overnight.
We're adults. If you can't cope for a night on your own, there's something wrong. I had 8 nights alone in hosp. If you had surgery for anything else as an inpatient there'd be no question of partners being allowed to stay; it just doesn't happen.
If you're not a patient who has just had a baby, you should not be on a postnatal ward after visiting hours. If you can't cope with that, go home or pay to go private.

MissBattleaxe · 09/08/2015 17:05

Absolutely Chick Chick Quack.

The women in favour WANT their partners there, the women against NEED their privacy to recover in private.

If you want your partner there, pay for a room. If not, do without until you go home.

I genuinely think that partners overnight is being encouraged by the govt so they can cut staff back even more and I think its sinister and wrong.

MissBattleaxe · 09/08/2015 17:07

And yes, if this goes ahead there is a real risk that many recovering women will discharge themselves before they are medically fit to go home because of the public nature of shared wards.

quesadillas · 09/08/2015 17:31

I would discharge myself before I was fit to do so if the ward was unbearable. And I was discharged against my wishes too early last time and had a horrendous time breastfeeding. This time, if I'm on a ward with 24 hour visitors, I'm off as soon as possible, even though previously I'd said id make sure I wasn't discharged early (prays to the God of private rooms that there'll be one available.)

MsPhoebeCaulfield · 09/08/2015 17:35

I wouldn't have stayed on the post natal wars after DD was born if DH hadn't been able to stay too. I think it's a good idea if done respectfully (and I don't think we should have to pay for a private room for the privilege).

Welshmaenad · 09/08/2015 17:45

Of course you should have to pay, your DH is not a patient and an NHS hospital is not a free fucking hotel.

bettyberry · 09/08/2015 17:58

MsPhoebeCaulfield - the NHS is already over stretched and underfunded and you want your OH to be catered for for free when there is no need?

Sheesh.

I do wonder with all the pps saying they could not cope without DH there. what on earth did you do when he returned to work?

The mind boggles.

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