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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I am a complete idiot?

217 replies

pinkchoctruffle · 08/08/2015 10:13

DH's birthday is in September and I booked a trip away for us in Cornwall for four nights.

I booked the flights and then the hotel through a website which said I could book now and pay later but I obviously didn't read the fine print very closely and the money has all gone out.

I now have NO money until Friday.

Sigh. And I know, I know, it's my fault, but ...

OP posts:
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 09/08/2015 10:04

you're

rabbitstew · 09/08/2015 10:05

You have a joint account - money that is legally yours as much as it is your dh's. Morally, you are ripping your ds off big time. Why keep him at home all week in his summer holiday being bored and miserable when the family has enough money to do something nice with him? Or do you think that because your ds isn't earning any money for the family, that he doesn't deserve it???

bigbumtheory · 09/08/2015 10:09

OP you aren't an idiot, sometimes these things trip us up. For the future, perhaps getting/using a credit card is better? I've been caught out like this before, thankfully just a few days before and it being on a credit card is a breath of relief.

I hope you are okay, it does concern me that you won't tell you DH. A joint account should be used for this, I know when i had a car issue DH straight away said'use the joint account money and just pay it back later' which was a relief. If you are just wanting to keep a secret, fair enough, it's meant to be a lovely week so playing outside isn't exactly a hardship for any child.

But if you are worried to speak to him about it, or know he'll give you stress or grief for asking. If he holds all the money and you have to ask and beg then it concerns me that there's far bigger problems in your relationship. I appreciate you don't want to say the reason why but if that is the reason then I'd really urge you to post under relationships about it.

Original poster
pinkchoctruffle · 09/08/2015 10:10

I've been accused of lying since I started the thread. I've been repeatedly told I do have money and that I have caused distress to those who really have nothing.

Re name change. I changed for a personal reason and when I changed back I accidentally muddled the order of my username.

I then have switched between phone and iPad; there is a box at the top with your username and if you want to use a different username you have used in the past you can type it into the box.

My phone recognises pinkchoctruffle first but iPad recognises pinktrufflechoc so as I've entered them in the box autocorrect has done it for me.

I didn't notice to be honest until someone said my posts were in different colours. Same account same person two slightly different names as a result of a name change but not a trolling just more personal stuff:

OP posts:
kali110 · 09/08/2015 10:10

Op i'd leave it. I actually understood from the beginning what you were saying.
It is clear there is something going on with your dp that you don't want to say which is fine, but im appalled that people are picking on everything when it's clear there is something going on xx

loolah83 · 09/08/2015 10:13

I'm confused...how can taking money from the joint account to entertain your joint child be seen as stealing?! I don't think anyone is tearing strips off you be asking for clarification here. And you seem to be blocking out any poster who makes even the most cursory inquiry about how your family finances work...If my DH made me feel THAT uncomfortable about asking for a few quid til the end of the week then I don't think I'd be his DW for much longer!

I feel very sorry for your DS if your DH is that mean tbh.

Original poster
pinkchoctruffle · 09/08/2015 10:14

Let me put it this way.

Let's suppose you're in my position and you own your house and you've found yourself with no money.

Someone saying 'yes you do, you could sell your house' would technically be true but you wouldn't be able to just do it, would you?

Now I know that isn't quite my case. But the point is, as I have repeatedly explained (and I am sorry but I am not discussing my marriage or my finances on here and there's nothing in the talk guidelines that says I have to) I cannot access the money in the joint account; legally it might be mine but it is not considered mine in our marriage without a prior 'ok' from DH and in this situation I am not asking for reasons I'm not prepared to go into.

As others have said, to try and stop the thread turning into a row again, others have done it, it is possible, I was just cross with myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
pinkchoctruffle · 09/08/2015 10:15

Thanks kali, there's nothing really going on with DH but I really can't get into it all. I almost just want to try and explain now as I am getting really upset with the 'sorry for DS' comments. Would you say that to somebody who earned a low income? No you would not. How do you know how much money DH has? You don't do you? So stop it.

OP posts:
Lovelydiscusfish · 09/08/2015 10:17

OP, I've just read the thread and I don't think (most) posters are just trying to have a go at you for the sake of it. What I am sensing (and share) is real concern for you for being in a situation where your son, and you yourself, have to suffer for a week (not in the sense of starvation, but isolated, fed up and unable to go anywhere, at a time when, for your son, it is his break from school and chance to have fun), because you do not feel able to ask your partner for more money.
This would not, I think, be normal for most people, so there is worry for you and your son, because your partner will not give you the money you need to have an enjoyable time, even though he has it. In fact, you are unwilling even to ask him, for reasons you don't quite specify, leading people to worry that you are afraid to do so.
I just think people are concerned. I know you feel your situation is normal, but I really think it wouldn't be for most people. It's obviously totally your choice, but it might possibly be worth considering that. It's all too easy to become "used" to a situation which is not right.

loolah83 · 09/08/2015 10:18

What Lovelydiscusfish said.

Original poster
pinkchoctruffle · 09/08/2015 10:20

If I get into anything at all I will get flamed even more; I will get people telling me I know he is abusive and I need to leave but what's the point posting because I won't and I'm ignoring helpful advice.

So I deliberately DON'T get into it and am still flamed.

I appreciate some people have been kind; there are always some who are just lovely but others are all too keen to berate you at length because you don't do as they say.

OP posts:
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 09/08/2015 10:21

Someone saying 'yes you do, you could sell your house' would technically be true but you wouldn't be able to just do it, would you?

No - sorry. That is not analogous to this at all. A house is a non-liquid asset which would time to sell. Plus, selling your house to release capital for funding for Friday would be, frankly, silly.

What people are suggesting is a reasonable solution to your problem that you posted here.

You're quite right - you absolutely dont have to post anything about your marriage. But, equally, posters are not bound to respond in a way that you deem appropriate either

And, to be fair, the situation you have posted about is quite odd and a bit concerning. My experience of mumsnet are that most posters are decent and, if they see a problem, want to help. Hence why people are trying to provide you with reasonable solutions and check that you are actually OK. Once they've taken the time to do that, it's a bit Confused to read further dripfeeds and then be accused of attacking you before being instructed in how we should respond.

Coupled with the name changes (for whatever reason), it all creates a certain impression

Original poster
pinkchoctruffle · 09/08/2015 10:26

I really don't want help with it; I didn't post because I wanted help; I posted I suppose for a chat about what a twat I am Smile and I always feel better when others reassure me they have done similar.

The problem is gobblin I have said several times its not a solution but people won't have it. Then get cross/annoyed.

There are several times when I'll read a thread and think the answer is obvious but I do think when somebody has said multiple times the 'answer' is not for them it's unpleasant to keep going on about it.

And I could even sort of understand it if it had been 'oh pity me, send me money and food' and it wasn't - it was 'God aren't I an idiot!'

OP posts:
SarfEasticatedMumma · 09/08/2015 10:29

I didn't notice the name change btw. Can you borrow £20 from your parents? What goblin said about the joint account - get your name off of it if you have no control over it, and get a job as soon as you can. Financial security is so important.

Original poster
pinkchoctruffle · 09/08/2015 10:30

Neither did I Smile

My parents are dead.

OP posts:
rabbitstew · 09/08/2015 10:32

I'm sorry, pinkchoctruffle. You didn't come on here to discuss your marriage. Yes, you did something a bit silly that would probably have caught out lots of other people, but it's not fatal, just silly, and so it's not surprising you are kicking yourself. It's just really hard reading about someone who describes the way they live their married life as though they are a single mother who is trying to pursue a relationship with a boyfriend who isn't the father of their children and who therefore needs wooing with surprise holidays without the kids. It just seems wrong. But if you are happy with the way you live and organise your finances and it isn't your dh who makes you feel like that, but a sense on your part of fierce independence, then that's fine, I guess - it's the way you have chosen to live your life and organise your family. And if you are unhappy, but don't want to talk about it, then that's OK, too - you don't have to.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 09/08/2015 10:32

No - I agree with you. There was no way that you were posting asking for financial help etc. I don't think anyone has said that and it would be unfair to do so

I think the best place for this probably would have been chat.

I take your point that posters are "going on at you" as you might see it. However (and I don't expect you to say so on here), I think the issue is that this is not a usual set up at all and it's actually quite sad that there is a small boy being disadvantaged too who is in his summer holidays - hence why people probably feel more compelled to comment because it's not just you who is affected

bigbumtheory · 09/08/2015 10:33

If you want advice OP I'd name change and ask for it.If you don't then that's up to you. It's not at all easy to leave someone who is abusive and financial abuse leaves you feeling isolated and trapped. If that it what your DH is like I suggest seeking advice for yourself and perhaps getting counselling to help gear you up to leaving or to help you cope if you aren't ready to.

Original poster
pinkchoctruffle · 09/08/2015 10:36

He isn't being disadvantaged gobblin - well no more so than hundreds if not thousands of other children the same age up and down the country.

Sometimes I do feel guilty he misses out on account or having two very young sisters and no extended family at all to help but that's just one of those things; he has his own bedroom crammed with books and toys and friends living locally and a big garden - am sure he'll be ok but in that first flush of doing something stupid you do think stuff like 'oh god what a knob I am I can't even take my DS out ...' You know? Smile

I'm quite happy with the current setup. Thank you for conceding I wasn't asking for financial advice - I wasn't.

OP posts:
Lovelydiscusfish · 09/08/2015 10:38

OP, I think I see what you are saying.
If I've read you rightly, you are telling us that there are aspects of your relationship you don't want to discuss, because you feel that you will be told to instantly leave your partner, and bullied on here if you don't.
Unfortunately, I have seen the odd poster on here (a tiny minority) react like that to women seeking support because they are in, say, an abusive relationship -"You've posted about this before, you were told to leave him, you haven't, so stop going on about it" type thing. Not very supportive, and almost victim blaming - subtext of it's your fault for staying.
However, I think these posters are a minority. Most people on here would listen supportively and non-judgementally if you ever wanted to share anything that's concerning you about your relationship, OP. Of course, you may never feel ready to. It's totally up to you.

kali110 · 09/08/2015 10:39

It's ok op.i understand why you're getting pissed off, i would too!
If it helps, you're a twat !
I've done it before though, i bought an expensive item through paypal and paid for it through my bank account instead of on my credit card Angry

Peshwari · 09/08/2015 10:39

The thing is, there's not going to be loads of people posting that they've done similar because your financial arrangements are not typical. To many (most?) others it wouldn't register beyond asking their other half for twenty quid because they were short for a week.

Original poster
pinkchoctruffle · 09/08/2015 10:42

Ok but my thread wasn't 'aibu to not ask DH for £20' Smile

I'm sure (or at least hopeful!) plenty of people have not read the small print!

Lovely, i am fine honestly - thank you. Better than fine.

OP posts:
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 09/08/2015 10:44

Sorry - think things have got slightly confused. I absolutely do not think that you were hinting that we should all send you £10 each. That's what I meant by financial help

But I do think it's fair enough for posters to try and provide reasonable solutions to your problem. It is a public board and, even if it's not helpful for you, it might be for someone else

Original poster
pinkchoctruffle · 09/08/2015 10:46

Absolutely but I do think that when someone has said 'I am unable to do that/I can't do that' to then give them a kicking is unfair.

Otherwise there may as well be a disclaimer stating you have to act on advice (even if you didn't ask for it) as otherwise mumsnetters will be upset and angry.

OP posts: