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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH refuses to have summer baby

274 replies

MayAugust · 06/08/2015 19:30

We started trying for a baby in May. I got pregnant first cycle, then miscarried at six weeks. I didn't get pregnant in either of the two cycles following the miscarriage (I just got my period today).

DH has always said that he doesn't want to have a summer baby because apparently all the kids in his class who were born in the summer didn't do as well academically as those with birthdays earlier in the year. He says there are studies which back this up (I don't know if that's true).

So now he is refusing to try for a baby until January 2016, when the due date would be September onwards.

He keeps saying that he has always been really clear that this is how he feels and that he doesn't want to have a summer baby. This is true. But I think he is being unreasonable. Aside from the fact that his reasoning is completely ridiculous in my opinion, I just don't want to waste all that time given what we've been through so far.

No argument will convince him. I've tried pointing out all the people we know who are born in the summer months and are very successful, or explaining that actually sometimes babies are born several weeks or even months before they are due, or that we might have a child with special needs, or a child that's just not academic whatever month they're born.

Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
mugglingalong · 06/08/2015 20:15

I would have sympathy with avoiding July and August. Although you can't guarantee anything. Ds was nearly born in August rather than Oct. Also there is some evidence that winter borns are more prone to schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. Pros and cons whenever. No child comes with a guarantee.

foodtech · 06/08/2015 20:16

He really needs a reality check if he thinks babies can be planned. We're 6.5 years, 2 miscarriages, 1 ectopic and 2 failed IVF's down the line and started trying when I was 25. These things cannot be planned (as you know) I would just get on with it as who knows what your journey will be like.

TheRealAmyLee · 06/08/2015 20:16

How did a summer baby end up being April - August? Seems very OTT to me. You are literally ruling out 5 months of the year and if you start talking about not wanting a Christmas baby that's literally 1/2 the year discounted. July/Aug I could understand but such a big gap seems very extreme!

LittleLionHeart · 06/08/2015 20:16

God. That's sad, OP. On many levels.

SpecificOcean · 06/08/2015 20:18

YANBU- Your DH is the king of BVVVU.

I am late August birthday and have done very well.
Usain Bolt shares my birthday- his amazing talent and success is not academic.

Another point, we had difficulty TTC, if DH had been, lets say particular like yours, it would've put unnecessary strain on our relationship.

SnapesCapes · 06/08/2015 20:18

I'm a summer baby and did very well academically with a First Class degree. Never stopped me doing fabulously at school, either.

Tinandgonic · 06/08/2015 20:21

I'm in Scotland and our young ones are the January and February children as the cut off is feb 28. This seems like a better system as the child will be 4 years 6 months when they go to school at the very youngest. Why doesn't England adopt this system?

Strawberryfield12 · 06/08/2015 20:21

Never heard of such thing. I myself am a summer baby and I wish everybody to do soo bad academically. I have two Master's degrees and am qualified accountant and speak four languages. Take that, the statistics! Might sound like bragging of an arrogant bastard, I guess. I honestly think that more than the birth date what matters is genes, background and upbringing.

Sometimesjustonesecond · 06/08/2015 20:23

Anecdotes are helpful because they show that while statistically X outcome might be more likely, there is no hard and fast rule because people are individuals. Some will buck a trend.

As for ruling anecdotes out based on majority female posters, we are still married to or are the parents of, children born in X month so our experiences are valid.

m0therofdragons · 06/08/2015 20:24

We planned an October baby but fell pg after one night over Christmas (wine was involved) but that was fine as baby was due end of Sept - perfectly planned right? Hmmm turned out to be twins and they were prem so born very end of august. They will be youngest in the year. However, you wouldn't guess that and they will start school in sept being able to write their names and read a little. I've decided planning is all well and good but life doesn't always work like that.
Good luck whenever your baby is born

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 06/08/2015 20:25

Not that it makes a jot of difference to your dh but the brightest child in my last reception class was a late August baby.

That child was exceeding in terms of their reading.

Findtheoldme · 06/08/2015 20:26

My child was born in August.

Extremely bright. Top for everything. Read before school. She's not bright because of school. She just is. I also have a spring baby and a early summer baby and they are all bright. Genes more important ime than birth date.

KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable · 06/08/2015 20:27

You are panicking as if you were 40 and he was suggesting waiting 4 months to try again.

It is not time to panic about your fertility yet.

You are only 29. His attitude tells you he is not worried that you will end up childless if you delay trying by 4 months.

I tend to agree with him because you did agree to this and not enough has changed yet to vary that agreement.

As a person who had multiple miscarriages I think there is a benefit to taking a breaking from the emotional rollercoaster of TTC and waiting to see if a pregnancy miscarries. It wears you down.

tethersend · 06/08/2015 20:27

I have a summer baby.

We were delighted to pay almost a year's less childcare than we did for her autumn born sister.

nokidshere · 06/08/2015 20:27

My late summer born baby had no issues academically but his emotional maturity is younger than some of his peers. But then he may well have been behind emotionally even if he were one of the oldest - we will never know eh!

Helspopje · 06/08/2015 20:28

New rules re to be parental choice to start reception at age 5 for all those summer born (April to August).
Being born in that phase could actually be an advantage as will be the very eldest in the year.

IMHO planning month of birth is a luxury not all can afford. For some ttc seems to be like falling off a log, but for others it is a hell of a slog with losses and inexplicable lacks of bfps.

Fwiw, I was of this opinion onces. All my edd babes in autumn were lost and we have a May, July and likely another April/may. The July eldest has just flown thru yr with exceeds for everything despite all my anxieties.

WhyStannisWhy · 06/08/2015 20:29

Another summer baby with a first class degree here.

Summerwood1 · 06/08/2015 20:29

My brother was born at the end of August,he's now a Head teacher of a large primary school. He was the youngest in his year. I don't bu into that argument at all.

BakingBunty · 06/08/2015 20:30

I have a 2nd Sept DS, born 2 weeks late. Everyone was terribly excited about this on my behalf. Me? Not so much... I agree with many of the PP who feel that innate nature and caring parenting have much more influence on performance at school. So much so, that DD is coming up for her first birthday very late this month Grin. I guess I have my own little experiment right there!
Hope your DH come around, OP.

KERALA1 · 06/08/2015 20:31

My sister mid August - straights as gcse and a level then first class degree. I am an oct baby and ahem did well but not as well as my sister!

As a wise older lady said when we were ttc "they don't come to order" so keep trying

chunters · 06/08/2015 20:34

I wanted a Millennium baby. To have a good chance of giving birth on 31 December 1999 you needed to conceive around 9 April 1999. I started ttc in December 1998 and thought I had a good chance of landing a birth in December 1999 or January 2000. My 'Millennium' baby arrived in January 2002 (8 weeks prem) followed 1 minute later by her twin brother Grin

Best laid plans and all that ......

trackrBird · 06/08/2015 20:36

your DH is showing a rigid and controlling attitude. You can influence when your child is born to an extent, but you cannot control the process, as you've found (I'm sorry to hear about your experiences).

You can't control how well your child does academically either, and I fear for any child he does have if that is the main thing that concerns him.

Throwing things back in your face about what you've 'agreed' doesn't point to a loving husband or loving father material.

I don't know what to say, other than to think very hard before continuing TTC with this man.

SomethingFunny · 06/08/2015 20:37

I think your DH has a point. I have two summer born boys, both exceeding at school, but if I was to do it again, I would try to avoid summer. Children do have advantages of age, especially in the early years of school- both acidemically and socially. The children with the behaviour "problems" are also often summer borns too.

I can understand your desperation to get pregnant, but a few months won't make a differnce at your age and its your DHs child too- he gets a say in it.

Check out the threads in "Primary Education" from parents of summer borns and you might see your husband could have a point.

tumbletumble · 06/08/2015 20:38

I planned for autumn babies for the same reason as your DH, and ended up with two September babies and one November.

However, if we'd had problems ttc then those plans would have gone straight out of the window! I absolutely would not have jeopardised my chances of having a child in order to achieve the 'perfect' date of birth.

cherrytreehorn · 06/08/2015 20:42

I think you should make sure that he isn't using this as an excuse. I got councelling after my miscarriage but my dh claimed to be fine. He really wasn't for a long time and it took a few months for us to both be truly ready. It was his loss too.. i would seriously try and get him to talk to someone just in case its actually a fear of it happening again rather than the flippant reason of term times. Best of luck xxx